Friday, September 23, 2011

Query #36: "Hard Nox" by Anonymous

This query is from an anonymous writer for the novel Hard Nox. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

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ORIGINAL QUERY

Nox Somner is a human lightning rod for tragedy. Parents, foster parents, brother, her goldfish – everyone she loves dies. She is terrified of getting close to people, of what could happen to them. Until she meets someone with nothing to fear– Death, himself.

Grim has a proposition. The boy Nox loves is next to die. Grim will spare Memphis if she helps Grim out of a tiny jam. A lost bet led to Grim's boatman hiding out as mortal River Crowe at Nox’s High School for the past year. Now he refuses to return. With no way to get across, the stack-up of souls this side of the River Styx is becoming dangerous to the living.

To save Memphis, she must convince River to go back. Not on the Reaper’s List, River can’t be taken against his will. She tries to bargain with him, but the only thing he wants in exchange for his return is Nox. If she won’t offer herself up, she has to kill him. Easy as falling off a ladder. She just has to get close enough to let the lightning strike. But once she’s close to River, can she really trade the boy who will never love her back for the one who understands her better than anyone else ever will?

HARD NOX is a 77,000-word YA Paranormal set in River Styx, Ohio.

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GOBLIN-EDIT

Nox Somner is a human lightning rod for tragedy. Her parents, her foster parents, her brother, her goldfish – everyone she loves dies. She is terrified of getting close to people, until she meets someone with nothing to fear–-Death, himself.

Grim has a proposition. The boy that Nox loves is next to die, but Grim will spare him if Nox helps Grim out of a tiny jam. A lost bet led to his boatman hiding out as teenager at Nox’s High School, and now the boatman refuses to return. With no way to get across, the stack-up of souls this side of the River Styx is becoming dangerous to the living.

Not on the Reaper’s List, the boatman can’t be taken against his will, so Nox tries to bargain, but all the boatman wants in exchange for his return is Nox's love. If she won’t offer herself up, she has to kill him.

Easy as falling off a ladder. Nox just has to get cosy enough to let her bad luck strike again. But as she grows closer to the boatman, Nox realizes she might not want to trade this boy who understands her better than anyone for the one who will never love her back.

HARD NOX is a 77,000-word YA Paranormal set in River Styx, Ohio.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

SMITE THE GOBLIN AGAIN!

After lots of help, and many fabulous suggestions last time I posted my query, I came to the conclusion that I pretty much had to scrap what I had and rewrite the letter from scratch.

This is another way of saying I didn't know what to do.

I knew in my gut that everyone was right when they said the query didn't quite work, but I had no clue what would make it work. I felt like I was trying to save the Titanic by re-arranging deck chairs.

I needed some time to grow a bit of objectivity and lose my attachment to the words I'd already written. So I took a break from the text of the query, but I kept thinking about new ways to sneak up on that beastie and whack it into shape.

What happened (eventually) is a perfect demonstration of the worth of critiquing other people in order to learn how to do something yourself. It's the whole reason why I started this site (well, in addition to finding critiquing fun!)

I've been hanging around Absolute Write lately, critiquing query letters there, and I stumbled across one that I really liked. In fact, it reminded me of a query letter I saw here that I really liked, namely Beckarah's Eyes of Stone.

What these two queries had in common is they featured the story's inciting incident in the first paragraph, then followed it up in the second paragraph with a list of all the shocking ways the protagonist's life had suddenly changed. That structure really drew me in; it helped me empathize with the protagonist.

So, I decided to try to snitch the formula. What resulted is posted below, and I think I'm pretty happy with it, but I would like to hear your thoughts before I send it out.

Mixed into this new query are a few other random ideas I had, like "Cut aaaaaaall the subplots," and "Hey, maybe don't say 'blooddrinker' at all? Zombies are hot; vampires are not."

So please let me know what you think of this new version. What works for you? What doesn't? Where does the wording seem uneven, and can you see a way to smooth it? Does it make sense? Is there too little information? Are there things here that aren't needed and should be cut? How close to being ready do you think it is?

I'd be honoured to hear your thoughts!

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ORIGINAL VERSION:

Wykham, a pacifist and surgeon on an inhospitable world, has just been infected with a disease that leaves him only able to digest human flesh.

He can't go home for fear of infecting his child. His neighbors react with hysteria and violence, and the authorities consider him a vector to be exterminated. Even other infected people admit that suicide might be his only moral option.

So when a group calling themselves 'pure humans' offers Wykham sanctuary, he instantly distrusts them. What kind of person aids a cannibal? Unfortunately, he's in no position to refuse.

Wykham soon learns his allies are descendants of those who refused genetic engineering to survive on the colony planet. Now facing slow extinction, yet immune to the disease, they intend to use people like Wykham as weapons of genocide against the thriving, rival population.

Which includes everyone Wykham loves--unless he can stomach using the freakish speed and strength his disease gives him to stop the pure humans.

Torn between preventing an atrocity and staying true to his non-violent principles, Wykham must accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.

I was represented by XXX of XXX Literary Agency for a previous novel, but we parted amicably, and I am unpublished. "The Blooddrinker and the War Angel" is an 81,000-word science fiction novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

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YOUR EDIT:

Please post your critique in the comments, and thank you in advance to all who donate their time and expertise to helping me improve this query! I do appreciate it.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Query #35: "The Privileged" by Anonymous

This query is from an anonymous writer for the novel The Privileged. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

(And my apologies, Anonymous, for the delay. I was out of town for the weekend and didn't keep up with my email as diligently as I'd intended!)


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ORIGINAL QUERY

The first day of school sucks. Jonathan Stevens didn’t know what to expect as he crossed the threshold into the chaos that is known as high school. Becoming a social outcast, getting lost in the halls, embarrassing himself over and over in front of cute girls and their boyfriends was definitely expected. Falling face first into a giant hole caused by an earthquake, not so much.

Waking up in the dark underbelly of the earth, Jonathan discovers he’s been kidnapped. Not just by anyone, but by a tightly wound sorceress who tells him he is an immortal, and he is being hunted. But Jonathan is not just any immortal. He’s been designed to be the ultimate immortal. The one person that will bring peace back into the immortal realm and save it from the evil overlord known simply as the Master.

Putting his trust in his kidnapper, Jonathan follows her into the immortal realm where he learns more about who he really is, and what purpose he was created for. Jonathan is the only hope left to purge the realm of the malevolence within its walls. He must find the strength and the will to trigger his power before the Master destroys him.

THE PRIVILEGED is a young adult paranormal fantasy complete at 80,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.


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GOBLIN-EDIT

The first day of school sucks. Jonathan Stevens expected becoming a social outcast, getting lost in the halls, and embarrassing himself over and over in front of cute girls. But falling face-first into a giant hole caused by an earthquake? Not so much.

Waking in the underbelly of the earth, Jonathan discovers he’s been kidnapped by a tightly-wound sorceress who insists he is being hunted and is an immortal--but not just any immortal. Jonathan was designed to bring peace to the sorceress' realm by saving it from an overlord known as the Master.

Jonathan learns [something specific that deepens the story and raises the stakes]. [He tries to do something meaningful and is thwarted, which raises the stakes again.] He must find the strength and the will to [do something specific, but very difficult, where failure will mean disaster].

THE PRIVILEGED is a young adult paranormal fantasy complete at 80,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Helpful Advice for Non-US, Self-Published Writers

If you are not a US citizen, but are a self-published author, Roz Morris has assembled a very clear guide for how to apply for your ITIN number from the United States IRS.

Having that number then allows you to apply to have less of your earnings withheld for taxes by Amazon and Smashwords. Please see Roz's guide at the following link:
How I Got My ITIN Number
Note the IRS themselves are damned cryptic about how to do this sort of thing, so please pass this link along to anyone you know who self-publishes but is not American.

And thank you for being a good global citizen! :)