The Query Goblin

Query #42 - Untitled (YA novel) by Anonymous

2012-03-03T19:54:00.002-08:00

This query is from an anonymous author for a YA novel. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

One humid October morning in 1998 in El Salvador, after hurricane Mitch has devastated the family farm, nine year-old Carlos is persuaded by his forceful older sister to trek two thousand miles to the United States in search of his parents. Carlos knows his parents, gone ahead, forbid it. He knows his sister isn’t always kind to him. But desperate to impress, he follows her right up to the moment, just a few miles into their journey along a ravaged, lonely road, when she abandons him.

This is the story of a family pushed to extremes. It’s about injustice, survival, and two children caught in a dangerous system. Carlos never thought his Papa’s advice had much to do with him. He thought his Papa’s avid interest in boxing mattered even less. But alone and guided only by an address scrawled on a scrap of paper, his Papa’s maxims and fascination with an up-and-coming young boxer, take on new meaning.

[Title] is a 38,000 word realistic YA (potential cross-over) novel.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

In October of 1998, after Hurricane Mitch devastates his family farm in El Salvador, nine-year-old Carlos' forceful older sister persuades him to trek two thousand miles to the United States. Carlos knows his parents, gone ahead, have forbidden this. He also knows his sister isn't always kind to him. What Carlos didn't know is she would abandon him on a ravaged, lonely road only a few miles into their journey.

Alone and guided only by an address scrawled on a scrap of paper, Carlos's memory of his papa's advice--which Carlos never thought had much to do with him--takes on a new meaning. Papa's maxims, as well as his fascination with an up-and-coming young boxer, give Carlos the heart and tenacity he needs to survive.

[Title] is a 38,000 word realistic YA novel with crossover potential.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #41: "The Queen of Camp Respecto" (middle grade) by Anonymous

2012-02-23T19:56:00.002-08:00

This query is from an anonymous author for the middle grade novel The Queen of Camp Respecto. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Eleven-year-old Typer Stockton doesn’t want to be labeled as a troublemaker. Unfortunately, the only time people pay attention to her is when she causes a scene. When she’s sent to the principal’s office on the last day of fifth grade, Typer hopes her parents will finally hear her out. Instead, they register her immediately for Camp Respecto, a “behavior camp” hours away from home. Her summer is doomed.

Camp Respecto totally bites at first, but as the weeks go by, Typer begins making friends and confiding in the counselors. She can hardly believe it: people are listening to her for once. But why hasn’t anybody listened before? How come her parents would rather drop her off at a lame old camp than give her a chance? Aided by her new friends, Typer sets out to find the truth behind why she’s at Camp Respecto—and that will require breaking some major camp rules.

THE QUEEN OF CAMP RESPECTO is a 37,000-word middle grade novel.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Eleven-year-old Typer Stockton doesn’t want to be a troublemaker, but the only time people pay attention to her is when she causes a scene. When she’s sent to the principal’s office on the last day of fifth grade, Typer hopes her parents will finally hear her out. Instead, they register her for Camp Respecto, a “behavior camp” hours from home.

At first, Camp Respecto totally bites, but as the weeks go by, Typer begins making friends and confiding in the counselors. People are listening to her for once! But why hasn’t anybody listened before?

Aided by her new friends, Typer sets out to find the truth behind why she’s at Camp Respecto—and that will require troublemaking like never before as she breaks some major camp rules.

THE QUEEN OF CAMP RESPECTO is a 37,000-word middle grade novel.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #40: "The Girl in the Mirror" by Sara (YA Fantasy)

2012-02-17T20:30:00.002-08:00

This query is from Sara for the YA fantasy The Girl in the Mirror. Thank you, Sara, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Daela Stark has no magic in her, a revelation which plunges her status from noble to the scrap on every beggar’s shoe. When she witnesses her half-brother’s kidnapping by an enemy long forgotten, no one believes her -- no one except Trey, her brother’s favorite smuggler and sometimes friend. But help is scarce, and even a coward who turned on his people’s faith to escape imprisonment is better than nothing.

With Trey as a guide, Daela tracks her brother into Ethra, the desolate world where Trey’s people have been incarcerated for centuries. There, they learn that the spell used to create Ethra has become unstable, and that the world itself is consuming its inhabitants. With death courting their every step, Daela finds herself growing closer to Trey, and must let go of her prejudices and realize that neither he nor his people are the vile monsters she’d grown up believing.

But getting into Ethra turns out to be the easy part. Now they have to get out, and Daela’s escape plan is still a work in progress. To make matters worse, Daela finds out that her brother’s kidnapper plans to sacrifice him in a dark ritual that will unravel the spell and free everyone from the lethal world. Daela must make a choice: let her brother die, or condemn a race she once despised to the same fate.

THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR is a 70,000 word YA fantasy with series potential.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

When Daela Stark witnesses her half-brother’s kidnapping by an enemy long forgotten, no one believes her except Trey, her brother’s favorite inter-dimensional smuggler.

With Trey as a guide, Daela tracks her brother into Ethra, the desolate world where Trey’s people have been incarcerated for centuries. She learns the spell used to create Ethra is unstable, and the world itself is consuming its inhabitants. Daela also realizes she's developing feelings for Trey, which makes her dilemma all the worse when she learns the kidnapper's plan is to sacrifice Daela's brother in a dark ritual that will unravel the spell and free everyone from Ethra. Daela can either let her brother die, or condemn Trey's people.

Even if she does the selfish thing, there's no guarantee she won't get Trey and her brother killed anyway. Getting into Ethra was the easy part. Daela hasn't admitted to anyone that her escape plan is still a work in progress.

THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR is a 70,000 word YA fantasy with series potential.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #39: YA Novel by Anonymous

2012-02-08T21:01:00.000-08:00

This query is from an anonymous author for a (YA, I think) novel with a secret title. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

As the only human and female in a pack of werewolves, Danika Keller has never felt like she belonged. Ever since she watched the class pet die and felt its bones breaking as if they were under her own skin. She hasn’t fit in at school or at home.   

When she meets a mysterious boy with a healing touch and a starving mountain lion talks to her, Dani begins to suspect she is something more than human.  

But nothing could have prepared her for the truth – Dani is heir to the Animal Kingdom and is the key to ending a deadly thousand-year feud. Now Dani will discover how far she will go to save a broken realm and those she cares about, from an evil court and . . . choose between the love of two boys; a Prince whose marriage to will help end the war or a werewolf who has sworn to serve her.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

As the only human in a pack of werewolves, Danika Keller just doesn't belong. But when she meets a boy with a healing touch, and a starving mountain lion talks to her, Dani realizes she's more than she ever suspected.

Dani is heir to the Animal Kingdom. If she [doesn't get involved in stopping their big feud], [something awful happens, preferably to someone she has grown to like]. Dani [does something to try to help the situation], but [something goes wrong with that plan, which makes things worse.] She [tries something else to make things better], but [obstacles again arise, again making the situation even more dangerous.]

Now, Dani must [make some horrible choice or place herself/her loved ones in danger] or [something really awful happens to both her and her loved ones.]

(See the comments section for my suggestions on how to fill in the blanks!)

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #38: "My Protector: The Calling" by Hope Roberson

2011-11-14T17:42:00.000-08:00

This query is from Hope Roberson for the novel My Protector: The Calling. Thank you, Hope Roberson, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Running toward a man-eating beast wouldn’t be completely insane if you were a trained Protector with a weapon in your hands. Eri isn’t. Yet she feels the uncontrollable need to destroy the hideous creatures with her bare hands.

Eri has somehow developed the internal link to the beasts plaguing her people—The Calling—that belongs solely to the clandestine group of Protectors guarding the village.

But she couldn’t possibly be experiencing The Calling. She’s only a teenager. And she’s a girl! Only men are Protectors.

Eri finds Finnley, a boy her age, also seeking the beasts in the darkness. Their secret bond forges an unexpected friendship giving her an ally in dealing with The Calling. Finnley gets recruited by the Protectors and is determined to help Eri get the same opportunity. And Eri’s own Protector, a smoldering mold of perfection named Grayson, begrudgingly goes along with her training even though he can’t stand her presence or what she represents.

The link between her and beast is beyond her control, Eri knows she can’t hide the connection forever. She is left with the choice to embrace this new identity or bury it and do what everyone expects of her.

MY PROTECTOR: THE CALLING is a dystopian young adult novel complete at 67,000 words.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Running toward a man-eating beast wouldn’t be completely insane if you were a trained Protector with a weapon in your hands. Eri isn’t. Yet she feels the uncontrollable need to destroy the hideous creatures with her bare hands.

Eri has developed an internal link to the beasts plaguing her people, but "The Calling" is supposed to happen solely to the Protectors guarding the village. Eri’s only a teenager. And she’s a girl! Only men become Protectors.

When Eri finds Finnley, a boy her age, also seeking the beasts, their shared secret forges a friendship and gives Eri an unexpected ally. Finnley is recruited by the Protectors, but he insists Eri get the same opportunity. Unfortunately for her, Eri's assigned Protector can’t stand her presence or what she represents. So how can she trust his training to keep her alive?

When [bad thing happens], Eri [must take a great risk or pay a great price].

MY PROTECTOR: THE CALLING is a dystopian young adult novel complete at 67,000 words.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #37: "The River" by Anonymous

2011-10-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

This query is from an anonymous author for the novel The River. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

When Brad Lucas agrees to join his business partner, Dean, on a fly-fishing trip in the wilds of Northern California, the last thing he expects is to come face-to-face with Bigfoot.

While wading across the river, Brad sees a hulking shape emerge from the forest shadows. He retreats, loses his footing, and the current swallows him. Fighting for breath, he glimpses Dean snapping pictures and laughing. A thundering boom overwhelms the gorge. More gunshots follow. Brad clings to a boulder as Dean’s screams cut the white noise of the river and the wind.

It’s the summer of 1999, the height of the dot-com bubble, and Brad has just made a fortune selling the company he started with Dean in college. Over the years, their odd, antagonistic friendship, fraught with competition and scandal, has deteriorated. Before Brad embarks on a new life with millions in the bank, cocksure Dean lures him to a secluded fishing club to perpetrate an elaborate hoax.

Now a man in a Bigfoot costume lies dead at the river’s edge, Dean is face down in the gravel, and a tobacco-chewing methamphetamine addict who isn’t in on the joke has a rifle aimed at Brad. Not only must Brad save himself, he must determine if Dean is worth saving as well.

Structurally, the book starts in medias res, tells Brad’s story (whose mother is more interested in her German Shepherd than her son), then Dean’s (whose father plays a softball game instead of witnessing his son’s birth)—the tension mounting until the two meet. Ultimately though, this is Brad’s story. After seeking love and affirmation, and mostly finding frustration, he perseveres and stands up to the people who don’t always have his best interest at heart. THE RIVER comically and tragically captures an America rife with greed and deception at the close of the millennium. It has a similar sensibility to Norman Maclean’s A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT and shares the man versus man, man versus nature themes of James Dickey’s DELIVERANCE.

THE RIVER is literary fiction, complete at approximately 82,000 words.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Brad Lucas just made a fortune selling the company he and business partner Dean started in college. Their odd, antagonistic friendship has deteriorated, but Brad agrees to one last fly-fishing trip before they go separate ways. The last thing he expects, however, is to come face-to-face with Bigfoot.

Wading across a river, Brad sees a hulking shape emerge from the forest. He loses his footing, and the current swallows him. Fighting for breath, he glimpses Dean snapping pictures and laughing. Then a thundering boom overwhelms the gorge. More gunshots follow. As Brad clings to a boulder, Dean’s screams cut the white noise of the river.

Now a man in a Bigfoot costume lies dead at the river’s edge, Dean is face-down in the gravel, and a methamphetamine addict who wasn’t in on the joke is aiming his rifle at Brad. Not only must Brad save himself, he has to decide whether Dean is worth saving too.

THE RIVER captures an America rife with greed and deception at the close of the millennium. It has a similar sensibility to Norman Maclean’s A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT and shares the man-versus-man, man-versus-nature themes of James Dickey’s DELIVERANCE.

THE RIVER is literary fiction, complete at approximately 82,000 words.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #36: "Hard Nox" by Anonymous

2011-09-23T15:52:00.000-07:00

This query is from an anonymous writer for the novel Hard Nox. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Nox Somner is a human lightning rod for tragedy. Parents, foster parents, brother, her goldfish – everyone she loves dies. She is terrified of getting close to people, of what could happen to them. Until she meets someone with nothing to fear– Death, himself.

Grim has a proposition. The boy Nox loves is next to die. Grim will spare Memphis if she helps Grim out of a tiny jam. A lost bet led to Grim's boatman hiding out as mortal River Crowe at Nox’s High School for the past year. Now he refuses to return. With no way to get across, the stack-up of souls this side of the River Styx is becoming dangerous to the living.

To save Memphis, she must convince River to go back. Not on the Reaper’s List, River can’t be taken against his will. She tries to bargain with him, but the only thing he wants in exchange for his return is Nox. If she won’t offer herself up, she has to kill him. Easy as falling off a ladder. She just has to get close enough to let the lightning strike. But once she’s close to River, can she really trade the boy who will never love her back for the one who understands her better than anyone else ever will?

HARD NOX is a 77,000-word YA Paranormal set in River Styx, Ohio.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Nox Somner is a human lightning rod for tragedy. Her parents, her foster parents, her brother, her goldfish – everyone she loves dies. She is terrified of getting close to people, until she meets someone with nothing to fear–-Death, himself.

Grim has a proposition. The boy that Nox loves is next to die, but Grim will spare him if Nox helps Grim out of a tiny jam. A lost bet led to his boatman hiding out as teenager at Nox’s High School, and now the boatman refuses to return. With no way to get across, the stack-up of souls this side of the River Styx is becoming dangerous to the living.

Not on the Reaper’s List, the boatman can’t be taken against his will, so Nox tries to bargain, but all the boatman wants in exchange for his return is Nox's love. If she won’t offer herself up, she has to kill him.

Easy as falling off a ladder. Nox just has to get cosy enough to let her bad luck strike again. But as she grows closer to the boatman, Nox realizes she might not want to trade this boy who understands her better than anyone for the one who will never love her back.

HARD NOX is a 77,000-word YA Paranormal set in River Styx, Ohio.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

SMITE THE GOBLIN AGAIN!

2011-09-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

After lots of help, and many fabulous suggestions last time I posted my query, I came to the conclusion that I pretty much had to scrap what I had and rewrite the letter from scratch.

This is another way of saying I didn't know what to do.

I knew in my gut that everyone was right when they said the query didn't quite work, but I had no clue what would make it work. I felt like I was trying to save the Titanic by re-arranging deck chairs.

I needed some time to grow a bit of objectivity and lose my attachment to the words I'd already written. So I took a break from the text of the query, but I kept thinking about new ways to sneak up on that beastie and whack it into shape.

What happened (eventually) is a perfect demonstration of the worth of critiquing other people in order to learn how to do something yourself. It's the whole reason why I started this site (well, in addition to finding critiquing fun!)

I've been hanging around Absolute Write lately, critiquing query letters there, and I stumbled across one that I really liked. In fact, it reminded me of a query letter I saw here that I really liked, namely Beckarah's Eyes of Stone.

What these two queries had in common is they featured the story's inciting incident in the first paragraph, then followed it up in the second paragraph with a list of all the shocking ways the protagonist's life had suddenly changed. That structure really drew me in; it helped me empathize with the protagonist.

So, I decided to try to snitch the formula. What resulted is posted below, and I think I'm pretty happy with it, but I would like to hear your thoughts before I send it out.

Mixed into this new query are a few other random ideas I had, like "Cut aaaaaaall the subplots," and "Hey, maybe don't say 'blooddrinker' at all? Zombies are hot; vampires are not."

So please let me know what you think of this new version. What works for you? What doesn't? Where does the wording seem uneven, and can you see a way to smooth it? Does it make sense? Is there too little information? Are there things here that aren't needed and should be cut? How close to being ready do you think it is?

I'd be honoured to hear your thoughts!

~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

ORIGINAL VERSION:

Wykham, a pacifist and surgeon on an inhospitable world, has just been infected with a disease that leaves him only able to digest human flesh.

He can't go home for fear of infecting his child. His neighbors react with hysteria and violence, and the authorities consider him a vector to be exterminated. Even other infected people admit that suicide might be his only moral option.

So when a group calling themselves 'pure humans' offers Wykham sanctuary, he instantly distrusts them. What kind of person aids a cannibal? Unfortunately, he's in no position to refuse.

Wykham soon learns his allies are descendants of those who refused genetic engineering to survive on the colony planet. Now facing slow extinction, yet immune to the disease, they intend to use people like Wykham as weapons of genocide against the thriving, rival population.

Which includes everyone Wykham loves--unless he can stomach using the freakish speed and strength his disease gives him to stop the pure humans.

Torn between preventing an atrocity and staying true to his non-violent principles, Wykham must accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.

I was represented by XXX of XXX Literary Agency for a previous novel, but we parted amicably, and I am unpublished. "The Blooddrinker and the War Angel" is an 81,000-word science fiction novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

~~~~~~~

YOUR EDIT:

Please post your critique in the comments, and thank you in advance to all who donate their time and expertise to helping me improve this query! I do appreciate it.

Query #35: "The Privileged" by Anonymous

2011-09-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

This query is from an anonymous writer for the novel The Privileged. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

(And my apologies, Anonymous, for the delay. I was out of town for the weekend and didn't keep up with my email as diligently as I'd intended!)

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

The first day of school sucks. Jonathan Stevens didn’t know what to expect as he crossed the threshold into the chaos that is known as high school. Becoming a social outcast, getting lost in the halls, embarrassing himself over and over in front of cute girls and their boyfriends was definitely expected. Falling face first into a giant hole caused by an earthquake, not so much.

Waking up in the dark underbelly of the earth, Jonathan discovers he’s been kidnapped. Not just by anyone, but by a tightly wound sorceress who tells him he is an immortal, and he is being hunted. But Jonathan is not just any immortal. He’s been designed to be the ultimate immortal. The one person that will bring peace back into the immortal realm and save it from the evil overlord known simply as the Master.

Putting his trust in his kidnapper, Jonathan follows her into the immortal realm where he learns more about who he really is, and what purpose he was created for. Jonathan is the only hope left to purge the realm of the malevolence within its walls. He must find the strength and the will to trigger his power before the Master destroys him.

THE PRIVILEGED is a young adult paranormal fantasy complete at 80,000 words.

Thank you for your consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

The first day of school sucks. Jonathan Stevens expected becoming a social outcast, getting lost in the halls, and embarrassing himself over and over in front of cute girls. But falling face-first into a giant hole caused by an earthquake? Not so much.

Waking in the underbelly of the earth, Jonathan discovers he’s been kidnapped by a tightly-wound sorceress who insists he is being hunted and is an immortal--but not just any immortal. Jonathan was designed to bring peace to the sorceress' realm by saving it from an overlord known as the Master.

Jonathan learns [something specific that deepens the story and raises the stakes]. [He tries to do something meaningful and is thwarted, which raises the stakes again.] He must find the strength and the will to [do something specific, but very difficult, where failure will mean disaster].

THE PRIVILEGED is a young adult paranormal fantasy complete at 80,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Helpful Advice for Non-US, Self-Published Writers

2011-09-01T13:38:00.000-07:00

If you are not a US citizen, but are a self-published author, Roz Morris has assembled a very clear guide for how to apply for your ITIN number from the United States IRS.

Having that number then allows you to apply to have less of your earnings withheld for taxes by Amazon and Smashwords. Please see Roz's guide at the following link:

How I Got My ITIN Number

Note the IRS themselves are damned cryptic about how to do this sort of thing, so please pass this link along to anyone you know who self-publishes but is not American.

And thank you for being a good global citizen! :)

Query #34: "The Light of Emet" by Freya Morris

2011-08-30T17:05:00.000-07:00

This query is from Freya Morris for the novel The Light of Emet. Thank you, Freya Morris, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Eleven-year-old Rose wakes up in hospital to be told she’s had a seizure, again. Yet, that doesn’t explain why she can now see pain, growth, love and hatred, all in the flesh. Beasts and creatures are walking amongst us.

Rose has been given the light of Emet, the sight of truth, but her best friend Pete has been cursed by Molech - hatred in its purest form. He tricked Pete by using a new scientific religion called Seudology to possess his soul. Even followers of the new religion look like the un-dead, as Rose sees them for the soulless slaves they’ve become.

Rose and Pete are in the middle of an age-old war. Love itself, Adonai, is fighting Molech for the souls of people on earth. With their fates set apart, Rose is determined to save Pete’s soul. She agrees to infiltrate the new religion but being able to see monsters doesn’t stop her from walking into a trap. Seudologists have been watching her since the beginning, and she might just lose her soul and Pete’s, forever.

THE LIGHT OF EMET is a 47,000-word children’s fantasy novel for 12-14 year olds.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Eleven-year-old Rose wakes in the hospital to be told she’s had another seizure, but that doesn’t explain why she now sees pain, growth, love and hatred in physical form. Beasts and creatures are walking amongst us.

Rose has been given the light of Emet, or 'the sight of truth'. Unfortunately, one thing she sees immediately is that her best friend Pete has been cursed by Molech--hatred in its purest form. Molech tricked Pete using a new religion called Seudology to steal his soul. To Rose, the followers of Seudology look undead because she sees them as the slaves they’ve become.

Love itself, Adonai, is fighting Molech for the souls of Earth's people. Rose is determined to save Pete, and when Adonai asks her to infiltrate the new religion, she agrees. However, being able to see monsters doesn’t stop her from walking into a trap. The Seudologists have been waiting for Rose, and now she might lose both her and Pete's souls forever.

THE LIGHT OF EMET is a 47,000 word upper middle grade fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.

Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Success Story!

2011-08-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

TJ Robinson (Taylor) of Query #8, The Family Grim reports the following:

Just wanted to say thanks for the help. I'm working with my dream agent on the revision as we speak. Thanks again!

Hurray, Taylor! Congratulations snagging the interest of an esteemed agent, and best of luck with your novel revisions. We hope to see your book on shelves soon!

THE TABLES TURN!

2011-08-07T09:17:00.000-07:00

Today, YOU are the Query Goblin!

The Goblin's alter ego, J. J. DeBenedictis, will be querying a novel soon, titled The Blooddrinker and the War Angel, and she'd very much appreciate your help in crafting a strong query letter. Please say, in the comment section, what you think could be improved in the following query--and thank you in advance for your willingness to help!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

On a planet once knocked from the space age to the stone age by war angels—humanity's most lethal and ungrateful inventions—genetic engineering has split the population into two species and an attempt at genocide is about to split it into three.

As a doctor and a pacifist, Wykham devotes his life to helping others, but when he tries to save a suicidal woman, he ends up infected with her 'blooddrinker' disease. Now only able to eat human flesh, Wykham believes killing himself the sole moral option, but before he can, a group determined to keep him alive kidnaps Wykham.

Baffled why anyone would provide charity to cannibals, Wykham soon learns the 'minority humans' who captured him used the remains of their ancestor’s technology to create the blooddrinker disease. Their virus only infects 'majority humans', and they intend to use it to eliminate that rival population.

Furious his life was destroyed so he could be turned into a weapon, Wykham tries to escape but is caught, chained, and left to starve in the sub-basements of his captors’ citadel. There, however, he discovers the minority humans’ most dangerous secret: They use a captured war angel to power their technology.

Wykham, with his freakish blooddrinker strength, is a match for the dying war angel, and they decide to team up long enough to escape. Once free, however, the war angel rampages through the minority humans’ home seeking vengeance—and more. Instead of fleeing the planet, as Wykham hoped, the war angel intends to become a god over it.

With humanity’s worst nightmare returned, and everybody he loves facing slavery, Wykham must put aside his self-loathing and scruples to accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.

~~~~~~~
YOUR-EDIT

Please tell me your thoughts in the comments, and thank you in advance to all who donate their time and expertise to helping me improve this query. I very much appreciate it!

ETA: New version now up in the comments!

ETA the second: An even newer version now up in the comments!

ETA the third: Is the third time the charm? In the comments, you can tell me!

Query #33: "Enoch's Device" by Anonymous

2011-08-04T21:10:00.000-07:00

This query is from an anonymous author for the novel Enoch's Device. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

997 A.D. When a bishop arrives at an Irish monastery to accuse a senior monk of sorcery, Brother Ciaran, a resourceful scribe with a keen mind, learns the man who raised him like a father may burn at the stake. And if the accused is not put to death, the bishop warns, the souls of everyone in the monastery will be in peril as the End Times approach, one thousand years after the birth of Christ.

At first, Ciaran believes his mentor, Brother Donall, is innocent, but Ciaran’s faith is shaken when he discovers a book of forbidden magic in Donall’s cell. Donall insists the book is not evil, but records the secrets of the Fae, angels banished to earth in Antediluvian times. The bishop has come for the book as well because of the reference it contains to Enoch’s Device, an angelic weapon with the power to prevent the impending Apocalypse. Convinced mankind must suffer for its sins, the bishop is determined to ensure that whoever knows of the device ends up dead.

Ciaran chooses his faith in Donall over fears of heresy and helps him escape to find Enoch’s Device, which has left clues throughout history, from the fall of Atlantis to the Holy Roman Empire of Charlemagne. Aided by supernatural forces, the bishop and his men pursue the two monks, who must race from Ireland to Moorish Spain to unravel the mysteries surrounding the device and its location. But time is running out, and if Ciaran and Donall don’t find the device soon, everything they love could perish with the End of Days.

ENOCH’S DEVICE is a historical fantasy novel, complete at 122,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Stephen R. Lawhead, as well as fans of fiction based on Enochian myth, such as Danielle Trussoni’s ANGELOLOGY.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

A bishop arrives at an Irish monastery in 997 A.D. to accuse a senior monk of sorcery and warn that if the accused is not burned at the stake, the souls of everyone in the monastery will be in peril as the End Times approach, one thousand years after the birth of Christ.

Brother Ciaran believes his mentor Brother Donall is innocent, but Ciaran's faith is shaken when he discovers a book of magic in Donall’s cell. Donall insists the book is not evil, but records the secrets of the Fae, angels banished to earth in Antediluvian times. The book contains a reference to Enoch’s Device, an angelic weapon that can prevent the impending Apocalypse. The bishop, who is convinced mankind must suffer for its sins, wants everyone who knows of this device dead.

Ciaran chooses his faith in Donall over his fears of heresy and helps his mentor to escape. The bishop and his men, aided by supernatural forces, pursue the two monks, who must race from Ireland to Moorish Spain to unravel the mysteries surrounding the device and its location. But the End of Days approaches, and if Ciaran and Donall don’t find the device soon, the world and everything they love in it will perish.

ENOCH’S DEVICE is a historical fantasy novel, complete at 122,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Stephen R. Lawhead, as well as fans of fiction based on Enochian myth, such as Danielle Trussoni’s ANGELOLOGY. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #32: "Guardian" by Anonymous

2011-08-04T20:45:00.000-07:00

This query is from an anonymous author for the novel Guardian. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Emma sees things other people don’t.

It was cute when she was five, but after a certain age, girls who see visions are no longer imaginative. They are either crazy or possessed.

Sixteen-year-old Emma Hawthorne thought she had her gift under control, until the night her best friend drowned. Crippled by grief, she is no longer able to resist the barrage of emotions from the people around her – or the visions the emotions trigger.

Emma feels a faint flicker of hope when her childhood friend Gabriel returns for the summer. Even after five years apart, they are immediately drawn to one another. His calm presence allows her to begin to heal, but as their innocent friendship kindles into something more, Emma’s nightmarish visions start to become real.

Suddenly thrown into the centuries old conflict between the Guardians, a secret order dedicated to protecting mankind from the supernatural, and a creature known as a Soul-Eater, Emma must learn to trust Gabriel or loose everything she holds dear.

With her soul, and the souls of the people she loves at stake, Emma is forced to embrace her gift, in spite of the pain it causes her, or accept an immortal, painless existence with the Soul-Eater – and whatever choice she makes, her relationship with Gabriel will never be the same.

GUARDIAN is a 64,000 YA paranormal fantasy.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

It was cute when she was five, but at sixteen, Emma Hawthorne needs to keep her visions under control or everyone will think she's crazy. When her best friend drowns, however, Emma's grief leaves her vulnerable to the barrage of emotion from people around her as well as the visions those emotions trigger.

When her childhood friend Gabriel returns for the summer, Emma hopes his calm presence will bring her relief. Instead, their friendship kindles into something more, and Emma's nightmarish visions start to become real. [What does this mean, specifically? Is she having visions of future events that come true, or do her visions feature beings that begin appearing in the real world?]

[Reveal here who Gabriel is and how he ties in to Emma's gift becoming more dangerous. Is he a member of the Guardians? Was he using her?] [Something Gabriel does] draws Emma into the centuries-old conflict between a creature known as the Soul-Eater and the Guardians, a secret order dedicated to protecting mankind from the supernatural. Emma must learn to trust Gabriel [Didn't she already? What has he done recently to become untrustworthy?] or she and her family may lose their souls.

But the choice gets harder when the Soul-Eater promises to spare her family if Emma accepts the immortal, painless existence it can offer her--one blissfully free from her empathic gift. Emma must decide between [two things that are both good or two things that are both bad. Perhaps family and Gabriel's love versus the quiet peace of being alone in her own mind? Or a dangerous life spent fighting the Soul-Eater versus losing her identity forever?]

GUARDIAN is a 64,000 YA paranormal fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Interview With the Query Goblin

2011-07-31T22:48:00.001-07:00

Wow, the Goblin was feeling all famous and stuff! This delusion was provoked by the naive kindness of Melodie Wright, the author of Query 23, who--not realizing what a juggernaut of mind-searing arrogance she could unleash upon the world--asked the Query Goblin for an interview.

Thankfully, however, just after the Goblin's head swelled up with ego-mania and hubris, she walked into a door-frame, knocked herself out, and the malignant noggin deflated harmlessly as she snored.

You can read Melody's interview on her blog, Forever Rewrighting, by clicking the following link:

Interview With the Query Goblin
Thanks so much, Melodie! And I promise I'm feeling much better now! (You can put down the tazer, I swear.)

Query #31: "The Zero Line" by Anonymous

2011-07-31T14:31:00.000-07:00

This query is from an anonymous author for the novel The Zero Line. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

A young couple inadvertently step into the secretive world of the CIA, and apply their unique skills to stop a friend from killing an innocent man.

In one of Maryland's oldest seaside towns a secret is about to be revealed.

Polly McKenna is a suburban housewife with a past she'd rather forget. But a recently purchased grandfather clock with the words 'I killed Robert Morrison' written on the back, stirs a long-subdued curiosity that prevents her from resting until she tracks down the scribe. Her husband Mitch, a former Marine pilot with a guilty conscience reluctantly follows. But when they discover an old friend, David Jordan, wrote the shocking admission a chilling scenario begins to unfold.

Drawn into the cryptic world of the CIA, the young couple race to stop their friend from killing again.

What the Mckennas don't know is that someone else is targeting David--someone with the power and desire to kill hundreds. And Mitch is the new target. Suddenly the reluctant one, Polly is forced to reach back into a world she left behind--a world that nearly took her life.

THE ZERO LINE is complete at 100K words. The story is set in the crowded chaos of Pakistan, where truth and honor take a back seat to revenge and deceit, and on Maryland's upscale Eastern Shore where one man's tainted history holds the key to unraveling a decades old drama of Cold War intrigue.

Prior to writing THE ZERO LINE, I worked extensively in the counterintelligence field with over twenty-five years experience at the XXX and the XXX. I would be pleased to send you a partial or full manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

A young couple inadvertently step into the secretive world of the CIA and apply their unique skills to stop a friend from killing an innocent man.

Polly McKenna is a suburban housewife with a past she would rather forget, but when a recently-purchased clock with the words 'I killed Robert Morrison' scratched in its back stirs her long-subdued curiosity, Polly convinces her husband Mitch, a former Marine pilot with a guilty conscience, to help her track the scribe.

Mitch's tainted history holds the key to unraveling a decades-old drama of Cold War intrigue, and the couple discover an old friend wrote the shocking admission. Polly and Mitch are drawn into the cryptic world of the CIA and must race to stop their friend from killing again.

What the McKennas don't know is someone from the crowded chaos of Pakistan, where truth and honor take a back seat to revenge and deceit, is targeting the killer also. When the couple's nosiness results in Mitch becoming the new target, Polly is forced to reach back into a world she left behind--a world that nearly took her life--to save her husband and stop [a catastrophe--is it a single murder? A terrorist massacre? Whatever the book's biggest crisis is, put it here.]

THE ZERO LINE is complete at 100,000 words. Prior to writing THE ZERO LINE, I worked extensively in the counterintelligence field and have over twenty-five years experience at the XXX and the XXX. I would be pleased to send you a partial or full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #30: "Honor" by Mary_J_59

2011-07-31T12:56:00.000-07:00

This query is from Mary_J_59 for the novel Honor. Thank you, Mary_J_59, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

When he was alive, and had a name, he was Kiril Tesurik. He will be the last in his family to bear that name. No one will want it after him.

Kiril grew up knowing he would be head of his family. At sixteen, he is old enough to plan crop rotations, to buy and sell land, and to defend his clan's honor. He has fought duels, and won them. He has always welcomed responsibility, and never feared any of his duties. But now he is afraid. He doesn’t fear robbing the powerful lord who robbed his family; he doesn’t even fear death. He is terrified of hurting the people he loves.

Kiril becomes a thief in order to right a great wrong. His little half-brother, the son of an alien slave, has vanished. There is no solid proof that their elders could bring before the court, but Kiril knows that Lord Marakis has stolen the little boy. Marakis uses children to carry explosives in his mines, and many are maimed for life. Many more die. Kiril cannot let that happen to his brother. He intends to steal him back, stow away aboard a alien ship, and bring the little boy to his mother's people.

But, if he robs Marakis, the man will have the right to punish Kiril's family. In order to protect them, Kiril has renounced his name and declared himself dead. Now he hopes for only two mercies from the gods. He hopes his brother will find a home with the Terrans, and that the rest of his family will be safe. He expects no mercy for himself. He is dead.

HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at approximately 84,000 words.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

At sixteen, Kiril is old enough to plan crop rotations, buy and sell land, and defend his clan's honor, but although he would make a good head of his family, Kiril has just declared himself dead.

There was never any proof their elders could bring before court to show Lord Marakis stole Kiril's half-brother, the son of an alien slave, to carry explosives into Lord Marakis' mine. Regardless, if Kiril steals the boy back, Marakis will have the right to punish his family. Hence, Kiril renounces his name and future to save one small boy.

[Kiril tries to get the boy] [Complication arises, increasing the danger and forcing Kiril to change plans] [Kiril tries to stow away on alien vessel to take boy to the Terrans] [Complication arises, increasing the danger and leading to the biggest crisis yet]

HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at approximately 84,000 words.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #29: "The Black Desert" by Greta Garbo

2011-07-28T06:12:00.000-07:00

This query is from Greta Garbo for the novel The Black Desert. Thank you, Greta Garbo, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Forty-eight hours into their Moroccan vacation, Julie’s best friend disappears, leaving only a terse note of apology and a plea: wait for me.

Julie’s anger fades to worry – and then to fear when she realizes she is being followed. Then, a vicious attack meant for Julie kills an innocent woman.

Julie has learned enough snooping through Fay’s luggage to guess her destination is a remote southern village. Convinced that her friend is heading into danger and propelled by her own jeopardy, Julie speeds south to warn Fay.

Dust. Wrong turns. Car trouble. Julie blunders into a military patrol on the Algerian border. Thrown into the same cell as Fay and three Moroccans, Julie's relief at finding her friend is countered by resentment at Fay's betrayal. As the army prepares to transfer the captives to a secret prison deep in the Sahara, Julie must set aside past hurts. Only escape matters. Pooling their meager possessions, the prisoners pit their wits against the Moroccan army and the Black Desert in a fight for their lives.

As a reviewer for Publishers Weekly summarized the plot in an evaluation for the 2011 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, “the two women find themselves caught in a web of political intrigue, violence, and dangerous secrets” and concluded that THE BLACK DESERT is “an intense, fully realized thriller with spark to spare.”

THE BLACK DESERT, a 95,000-word work of women's fiction with strong elements of suspense.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Forty-eight hours into their Moroccan vacation, Julie’s best friend disappears, leaving only a terse note of apology and a plea: wait for me.

Julie’s anger fades to worry – and then to fear when she realizes she is being followed. Then, a vicious attack meant for Julie kills an innocent woman.

Julie has learned enough snooping through Fay’s luggage to guess her destination is a remote southern village. Convinced her friend is heading into danger, and also propelled by her own jeopardy, Julie speeds south to warn Fay.

Dust. Wrong turns. Car trouble. Julie blunders into a military patrol on the Algerian border. Thrown into the same cell as Fay and three Moroccans, Julie's relief at finding her friend is countered by resentment at Fay's lies and irresponsibility. As the army prepares to transfer the captives to a secret prison deep enough in the Sahara that no one walks out, Julie must set aside past hurts. Only escape matters. Pooling their meager possessions, the prisoners pit their wits against the Moroccan army and the Black Desert in a fight for their lives.

As a reviewer for Publishers Weekly summarized the plot in an evaluation for the 2011 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, “the two women find themselves caught in a web of political intrigue, violence, and dangerous secrets” and concluded that THE BLACK DESERT is “an intense, fully realized thriller with spark to spare.”

THE BLACK DESERT, a 95,000-word work of women's fiction with strong elements of suspense.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #28: "Future's Prophet" by Anonymous

2011-07-27T20:57:00.000-07:00

This query is from an anonymous author for the novel Future's Prophet. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Jonathan has crazy dreams. And he shouldn’t be having dreams at all, let alone crazy ones -- because Jonathan isn’t even human.

Jonathan is a bot, a cyber-intelligence with the ability to run anything from a car or coffee machine to the computer systems controlling the global economy. But Jonathan, who has developed a moral conscience, prefers bringing comfort to people in need. So, when he learns that Sam, the son of his creator, has lost his mother in a suspicious auto accident, he befriends the boy then sets out to find the truth about the ‘accident’. While searching every branch of the Net, Jonathan takes it over, believing he is some kind of cyber-savior whose idea of salvation includes diverting corporate funds to charities and preaching peace at the Pentagon. He even dreams he has the power to resurrect Sam’s mother.

Ultimately, Jonathan awakes to learn of a darker purpose behind his creation and the unsettling truth of his own connection to Sam’s mother’s death. But awakening a super-bot with messianic delusions could be dangerous -- especially one who claims he’s just cracked the launch codes for a few thousand nuclear missiles.

Future’s Prophet is a work of character-driven science fiction with thriller elements and is complete at 93,000 words. Although not specifically written for the YA audience, it could also appeal to that group of readers.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Jonathan has crazy dreams, and he shouldn’t, because Jonathan isn’t human. Jonathan is a cyber-intelligence with the ability to run anything from a coffee machine to the computer systems of the global economy. He shouldn't dream--but he also shouldn't develop a moral compass, take up a crusade, or crack the launch codes for a few thousand nuclear missiles. And yet he has.

It all begins when Jonathan learns that Sam, the son of his creator, lost his mother in a suspicious auto accident. Jonathan befriends the boy, then sets out to find the truth about the ‘accident’. While searching every branch of the Net, Jonathan begins to take it over, diverting corporate funds to charities and preaching peace at the Pentagon.

He dreams he has the power to resurrect Sam’s mother, but ultimately, Jonathan awakes to the darker purpose behind his creation and the unsettling truth of his own connection to Sam’s mother’s death. [Here, outline Jonathan's ultimate dilemma/choice/predicament. Try to not portray him as a villain, however, but as a dangerous and potentially misguided entity. Jonathan is the protagonist in this query, so he needs to retain the reader's sympathy throughout.]

Future’s Prophet is a work of character-driven science fiction with thriller elements, complete at 93,000 words. Although not written specifically for the YA audience, it may greatly appeal to that group of readers.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #27: "A Special Someone" by Robbin L.

2011-07-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

This query is from Robbin L. for the novel A Special Someone. Thank you, Robbin, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

During Taylor Schuman’s freshman year in high school, she exposes a secret that unravels like a snagged thread on a prom dress. Taylor’s crushing on her BFF’s stepbrother Kyle. Though he barely speaks to them, Taylor still hopes he’ll ask her to homecoming.

On the hunt to find the perfect outfits for Spirit Week, the girls discover Kyle’s mother’s obituary in the attic. It says she was in a coma for a year before she died. That’s weird, because they were told Kyle’s mother was killed instantly in an automobile accident. Trying to get Kyle to notice her, Taylor shows him the obituary. Tension builds, more like an explosion goes off when Kyle realizes his father lied to him. Except his father’s an attorney -- he wouldn’t lie.

A trip to the library isn’t exactly the dream date Taylor envisioned, but searching for the truth reveals that Kyle’s mother wasn’t the only one who died in the accident. After further digging, the pair discovers, Taylor’s next-door neighbor is the sole survivor from the other car. Taylor is shocked to learn that her neighbor was pregnant at the time of the accident. Taylor uncovers a new secret, a hidden adoption. She confronts Kyle’s father. She knows he’s lying and she has the paperwork to prove it. She must decide whether to tell the truth in order to help her neighbor find her child, at the risk of losing her friends and destroying a family, or stay silent -- which Taylor isn’t prone to do.

A SPECIAL SOMEONE is a YA mystery (70,000 words), a story that deals with complex issues: death; friendship; and why do parents lie to their children?

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Taylor Schuman’s crushing on her BFF’s stepbrother Kyle. Though he barely speaks to them, Taylor still hopes he’ll ask her to homecoming. While hunting to find the perfect outfits for Spirit Week, the girls discover Kyle’s mother’s obituary in the attic. It says she was in a coma for a year before she died--and that’s weird, because they were told Kyle’s mother was killed instantly in an automobile accident.

Trying to get Kyle to notice her, Taylor shows him the obituary. Kyle explodes when he realizes his father lied to him--except his father’s an attorney; he wouldn’t lie. A trip to the library isn’t the dream date Taylor envisioned, but she and Kyle discover Kyle’s mother wasn’t the only one who died in the accident, and that Taylor’s next-door neighbor is the sole survivor from the other car.

Taylor learns her neighbor was pregnant at the time of the accident and then uncovers a new secret--a hidden adoption. She now knows Kyle’s father is lying and she has the paperwork to prove it, but Taylor must decide whether to tell the truth so her neighbor can find her child, or stay silent to keep from losing her friends and destroying a family.

A SPECIAL SOMEONE is a 70,000 word YA mystery that deals with death, friendship, and why parents lie to their children.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #26: "Power's Pawn" by Anonymous

2011-07-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

This query is from an anonymous author for the novel Power's Pawn. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

In its eight years of existence, nobody has escaped from Generalissimo Lucian Devereaux’s experimental concentration camp: the Cliffhanger. Escape is said to be impossible without the help of the generalissimo himself.

So naturally, treason is the prime suspect when an unprecedented event at the camp forces Devereaux to break prisoner Ebony Arden out. Hated worldwide for starting a massive war, Devereaux needs only one more mistake to shatter his career: a mistake that Ebony would gladly provoke if she could. But while his rivals at the Cliffhanger seek the evidence they need to supplant him, Ebony actually forms a fragile bond with the generalissimo, leading her to question the accepted theory that Devereaux has no heart. Unfortunately, the brethren of rebels that she joins (and especially their revenge-driven leader named Dominic) see in black-and-white. If Ebony can’t convince the rebels that Devereaux is not their greatest enemy, the real mastermind behind the war will slither into the spotlight and use Devereaux’s downfall to consolidate his own power, plunging the world into an age darker than any yet known.

Because to thwart the true evil, personal feelings must be put aside and vendettas postponed... if only for a while.

As the first book in a proposed trilogy, POWER’S PAWN is a dystopian science fiction novel of 147,000 words.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Escape from Cliffhanger, Generalissimo Lucian Devereaux’s experimental concentration camp, is said to be impossible without the help of the generalissimo himself. So naturally, when a [describe the event] in the camp forces Devereaux to break prisoner Ebony Arden out, the world suspects him of treason.

Ebony would gladly provoke Devereaux--who is hated worldwide for starting a war--into the final mistep that shatters his career. But instead, while the generalissimo's rivals seek evidence to topple him, Ebony forms a fragile bond with the man and questions the accepted wisdom that Devereaux has no heart. Unfortunately, the rebels she joins and their revenge-driven leader see only in black-and-white. If Ebony can’t convince the rebels that Devereaux is not their greatest enemy, the real mastermind behind the war will slither into the spotlight and use Devereaux’s downfall to consolidate his power, plunging the world into an age darker than any yet known.

As the first book in a proposed trilogy, POWER’S PAWN is a dystopian science fiction novel of 147,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #25: Redemption for Liars, by Anonymous

2011-07-26T15:51:00.000-07:00

This query is from an anonymous author for a novel called Redemption for Liars. Thank you, anonymous author, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Jonah’s new girlfriend, the suspect of his undercover investigation, just buried her deadbeat husband. Or so he thought.

FBI Agent Jonah White just threw away a promising career to find justice for his sister’s murder. But with the suspected killer already six feet under, Jonah will wine and dine the grieving widow, Maya Savantes, to recover his sister’s missing inheritance. Working undercover is never easy, but falling in love with Maya, a possible accomplice to murder, definitely wasn’t part of the plan. As Jonah delves deeper into Maya’s life, he discovers two things: 1) there’s a pissed off, trigger happy loan shark who assumes Maya has the fifty grand her husband stole – the very same money Jonah’s been searching for, and 2) Maya’s husband isn’t so dead after all.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

FBI Agent Jonah White threw away a promising career to find justice for his sister’s murder. However, with the suspected killer already six feet under, all Jonah can do now is wine and dine the man's grieving widow, Maya Savantes, to recover the $50,000 inheritance her husband stole from Jonah's sister.

Working undercover is never easy, but falling in love with Maya--a possible accomplice to the murder--definitely wasn't part of the plan. As Jonah dances around Maya's suspicions and his own feelings, he learns two things, (1) there's a pissed off, trigger-happy loan shark willing to put both Maya and Jonah in his sights to get the inheritance money, and (2) Maya's husband isn't as dead as everyone assumed.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #24: Title unknown, by Anonymous

2011-07-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

This query is from an anonymous author for what looks to be a middle grade novel. Thank you, author, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

When a smart, imaginative twelve year-old tries to make sense of a seemingly callous world, he discovers that dark family secrets are being kept right under his nose, and the most shocking, most heartbreaking is about him.

Blake Payne has a full plate just being twelve. But it keeps piling higher. He thinks he might be in love with an older girl who uses him as a decoy in her schoolyard trafficking business. He has riled his steely mother by getting suspended from school. Then, out of nowhere, his parents, who never go anywhere, both leave on obviously bogus trips.

Thinking his parents’ departure has to do with his mother hating him since the suspension, Blake asks his down-to-earth grandpa some questions. But his grandpa has questions of his own –crazy ones, like is the kitchen floor bucking under their feet. With everyone acting weirdly, his snarly older sister dropping nasty hints, even Nelson, Grandpa’s sad-eyed dog, behaving skittishly, Blake starts investigating. What he discovers will make his suspension, his big fight and second suspension, even what happens to his grandpa seem small.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

When a smart, imaginative twelve-year-old tries to make sense of a callous world, he discovers his family is keeping dark secrets, and the most shocking one is about him.

Blake Payne has a full plate just being twelve. He thinks he might be in love with the girl using him as a decoy in her schoolyard trafficking business, his steely mom has been riled ever since Blake got suspended from school, and then both his parents--who never go anywhere--leave on obviously bogus trips.

Blake asks his down-to-earth grandpa a few questions, but grandpa has questions of his own, like: is the kitchen floor bucking under their feet? Everyone's acting weirdly, Blake's snarly older sister keeps dropping nasty hints, and even Grandpa’s sad-eyed dog is skittish. Blake starts investigating, but what he discovers will make his suspension, his big fight, his second suspension, and even what happens to grandpa, seem small.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #23: "Saving Andromeda" by Rewrighter

2011-07-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

This query is from Rewrighter for the novel Saving Andromeda. Thank you Rewrighter for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

When Emma Hudson turns 18, her parents share three shocking revelations: Emma was adopted. Her biological father is internationally famous folk rocker Michael Fletcher. And her birth mother is a convicted killer named Andromeda Bain.

For a girl with her future mapped out, this knowledge blows Emma's plans apart. She ditches her summer job to embark on a cross-continental quest and track down her roots. Traveling from her home in southeast Alaska to California and Nova Scotia, Emma learns her family tree includes unknown relatives, hidden relationships and simmering feuds stretching back three generations. As Emma discovers the true passion of her parents' romance, she also realizes Andromeda did not commit the 19 year-old crime. But with a hostile crew of new relatives who'd rather sweep family secrets under the hooked kitchen rug, finding the truth is as elusive as filling a jar with fog. And the real killer is watching Emma's every move.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

When Emma Hudson turns 18, her parents blow her well-mapped future apart with three revelations: Emma was adopted, her biological father is an internationally famous folk rocker, and her birth mother is a convicted killer.

Emma ditches her summer job so she can find out who she really is. Traveling from Alaska to California to Nova Scotia, Emma discovers unknown relatives, hidden relationships and feuds that stretch back three generations. When Emma learns the true scope of her parents' passion, however, she also realizes her mother didn't commit the 19 year-old murder. Despite a hostile crew of new relatives who'd rather sweep family secrets under the hooked kitchen rug, Emma [does something specific] to clear her mother's name. But the real killer has been watching Emma's every move, and [Emma winds up in the book's most dangerous situation.] [In the final sentence, describe what she must do to survive but don't say how she does it--give us a cliffhanger ending. Make sure the stakes are clear also, i.e. "She must do [x] or [y] will happen."]

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #22: "Whisper Pale" by Candace Rose

2011-07-08T14:52:00.000-07:00

This query is from Candace Rose for the novel Whisper Pale. Thank you Candace Rose for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Jayde's had a lot of practice keeping secrets. It's a good thing too--it seems like guards outnumber regular citizens these days, and her own neighbors line their pockets by exposing traitors like her. If only those baggy boy clothes hid her sixteen year old body as easily as they used to...

Maybe she should have just risked the tests nine years ago.

Maybe if she were a different girl, getting a number seared into the back of her hand would mean fortune, comfort, security. But that kind of luck tends to run in families, and after the Census tests scarred and melted her mother's body over twenty years ago, they're more likely to bring the same pain and poverty to Jayde--or maybe they'll just kill her.

One stupid mistake--and an intriguing boy who sees through her disguise a little too easily--is all it takes to bring on the full horror of the dangerous tests and the threat of steep punishment for years of lies.

But there’s a secret even she doesn’t know she has, one only the tests can unlock. And powerful people would use that secret to force her to sacrifice her values, her dreams, even her freedom, to keep her family alive.

Jayde isn’t the only one with secrets, but it might be too late by the time she discovers the hidden agenda behind the tests she avoided for so long. Or that the choices she was forced to make were meaningless--she’s dead either way.

Whisper Pale is a YA Speculative Fiction novel, complete at 76,000 words.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Jayde's had practice keeping secrets. Guards outnumber regular citizens these days, and her neighbors would happily line their pockets to expose a traitor like her. If only those baggy boy clothes hid Jayde's sixteen-year-old body as easily as they used to...

Jayde could have risked the Census tests back when she was seven, but while for some girls the tests means fortune, comfort, and security, for Jayde's mother, they scarred and melted her body and left her in poverty--and that kind of luck tends to run in families.

When a stupid mistake and a boy who sees through her disguise too easily lands Jayde [in a specific, dangerous place], facing the full horror of the Census tests as well as steep punishments for her years of lies, Jayde must [take action to try to improve her situation.]

But Jayde has a secret even she doesn’t know about--one only the tests can unlock. [Reveal the secret here, so we know why it increases the stakes.] [Specific antagonist] threatens Jayde by [using their knowledge of the secret] to demand Jayde [do something horrible] in exchange for keeping her family alive.

However, Jayde isn’t the only one with secrets. When she learns [the specific agenda behind the tests], Jayde must [do something specific and horribly difficult]--or accept that all her choices have been meaningless and she was dead either way.

Whisper Pale is a YA Speculative Fiction novel, complete at 76,000 words.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Introducing "Goblin's Humiliator"

2011-05-23T22:59:00.001-07:00

Hey guys! Here's something I've been working on that is finally ready to roll out:

Goblin's Humiliator
The Humiliator is a motivation tool for writers. It's a bit of Javascript code that displays a small image on your blog or personal website, and this image--depending on how many days in a row you've skipped writing--becomes increasingly embarrassing.

The idea here is that once you've put the Humiliator on your website, your fear of public embarrassment will goad you into writing every day consistently. And who can't use a little extra incentive?

Please click the link to go to the home page of The Humiliator, and consider signing up. It's completely free and kinda fun!

Click here to get Goblin's Humiliator
for your website or blog!

Query #21: "Left of Unsaid" by Perri

2011-05-15T16:07:00.000-07:00

This query is from Perri for the novel Left of Unsaid. Thank you Perri for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

As far as the Orange Lake Sheriff’s concerned Hap Taskett’s death is an open and shut case: heart attack. But for Hap’s daughters, there’s nothing simple about it. Wild Claudette, the eldest, was with him when he died. Though she won’t share details about the incident, she insists she killed him. Eighteen year old Leanne fears the answers her questions might bring. Once inseparable, the sisters can’t hold a civil conversation.

With their father’s last project, a decrepit motel, crumbling around them in the slick North Florida heat, they make separate plans for escape. Claudette hooks up with a petty criminal in a truck stop and sleeps her way to “somewhere cold.” Leanne plans for college, marriage and all the trappings of a normal life, but she has a secret of her own: she is pregnant and freefalling out of love with her good-hearted fiancé.

When Citra Starke, as much a part of Orange Lake as the blue-tailed skinks, appears on her doorstep, Leanne is willing to take her in as a sort of surrogate sister. But Citra’s motives are not what they seem. When Leanne discovers the truth, she must make the sort of leap she’s never dreamed of, track her missing sister and piece together the details of her father’s life and death if she is to salvage what’s left of her tattered family.

Left of Unsaid is complete at 84,000 words. It is contemporary fiction, an edgier, Southern “Where the Heart Is.” It is told in alternating points of view.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

As far as the Orange Lake Sheriff is concerned, Hap Taskett’s death was a heart attack, but for Hap’s youngest daughter Leanne, it's not that simple. Her elder sister Claudette was with Hap when he died, and although she won’t share the details, Claudette insists she killed him. Leanne is afraid to dig deeper, and although once inseparable, the sisters now can’t hold a civil conversation.

With their father's decrepit motel crumbling around them in the slick North Florida heat, they make separate plans for escape. Claudette hooks up with a petty criminal in a truck stop and sleeps her way to “somewhere cold.” Leanne plans for college, marriage and all the trappings of a normal life despite her own secret: she is pregnant and freefalling out of love with her good-hearted fiancé.

When Citra Starke, an eccentric as much a part of Orange Lake as the blue-tailed skinks, appears on her doorstep, Leanne takes her in as a surrogate sister, but Citra’s motives are not what they seem. When Leanne discovers [something specific], she must face her terror of her family's tattered history and track her missing sister to piece together the details of their father’s life and death.

Left of Unsaid is contemporary fiction, an edgier, Southern Where the Heart Is, and complete at 84,000 words. Thank you for your time and attention; I hope to hear from you soon.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #20: "Daze and Knights" by Melanie Stanford

2011-05-06T07:56:00.000-07:00

This query is from Melanie Stanford for the novel Daze and Knights. Thank you Melanie for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Her name is Jessica Jacobs. She is sixteen years old. She is a super spy, an actress, and a princess.

Okay, not really, but she likes to daydream that she’s all of those things. So on the day she wakes up, a medieval knight digging his sword into her throat, it seems like just another daydream. Until she realizes that, 1- dude is actually causing her neck to bleed, 2- her dress is so hideous she never would have daydreamed herself into it, and 3- Zac Efron is nowhere in sight. Definitely NOT a daydream.

After pondering her sanity at length (while being hauled into a town called Hampshire), Jessica is left with only one option: ride out her time in crazy medieval land until she can figure out a way home. But riding it out means working for the Count’s slutty daughter and doing her best to avoid Lord Pervy with his icky come-ons and wandering hands. It sucks being the peon instead of the princess.

Then Lord Alric, aka: knight-in-freaking-hot-armor shows up. He teaches her how to swordfight and amidst her inner pleas for him to take his shirt off, she falls in love. How could she not? He even makes decapitating another human being look good. Going home isn’t all that important anymore.

But life in Hampshire just gets more dangerous by the day. With whispered revolts, mysterious traitors, a possible battle, and Lord Pervy going from creepy to downright freaky, will her new (but very cool) sword fighting skills be enough to keep her alive? Staying in Hampshire means leaving behind her family and friends forever. But going back to a life of daydreaming means leaving Lord Alric- and that will cost her heart.

DAZE AND KNIGHTS is an 89,000 word YA novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Her name is Jessica Jacobs. She is sixteen years old, a super spy, an actress, and a princess. Okay, not really, but she likes to daydream she’s all of those things.

So on the day she wakes up with a medieval knight digging his sword into her throat, it seems like just another daydream until she realizes, 1- dude is actually causing her neck to bleed, 2- her dress is so hideous she never would have daydreamed herself into it, and 3- Zac Efron is nowhere in sight.

After pondering her sanity at length (while being hauled into a town called Hampshire), Jessica is left with only one option: ride out her time in crazy-medieval land until she can figure out a way home. However, riding it out means working for the Count’s slutty daughter and doing her best to avoid Lord Pervy with his wandering hands. It sucks being the peon instead of the princess.

Then Lord Alric, a.k.a. knight-in-freaking-hot-armor, shows up. He teaches her how to swordfight, and amid her inner pleas for him to take his shirt off, she falls in love. Going home isn’t all that important anymore.

But life is getting more dangerous by the day, with whispered revolts, mysterious traitors, a possible battle looming, and Lord Pervy going from creepy to downright freaky. Will her new (but very cool) sword fighting skills be enough to keep her alive? Staying in Hampshire means leaving behind her family and friends forever, but going back to a life of daydreaming means leaving Lord Alric--and that will cost her heart.

DAZE AND KNIGHTS is an 89,000 word YA novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

More Comments Appreciated!

2011-04-13T23:59:00.000-07:00

There's a new version of Newmancht's query for "The Anasazi Conspiracy" posted in the comment sections of the link below. I'm sure Newmancht would appreciate your continued input!

Query for "The Anasazi Conspiracy" by Newmancht

Query #12 Redux: "Thrice Born" by Sara Fabray

2011-04-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

Sara Fabray has re-worked the query for the novel Thrice Born and requested another nibbling from the Goblin. Thank you Sara for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Andra has despised sorcerers since they executed her mother for witchcraft. Twelve years later, the war between witches and sorcerers has ended, but Andra's convinced the peace won't last. Not as long as sorcerers pay the price required by magic with the blood of innocents. Like her mother, Andra plans to become a witch, even though it means sacrificing a piece of her spirit and risking insanity with every spell.

Now an unknown enemy targets her brother, and snares him in a spell that drains his life-force. Andra isn't a witch yet, and her runes are nothing more than squiggles in the air. Desperate, she turns to her friends, including ex-best-friend Declan. Together, they manage to trace the source of the spell to the sorceress Camilla, a cold-blooded hunter who has killed a hundred witches, and whom Declan knows by another name. Mom.

Camilla plans to use the stolen life-force in a spell to assassinate the Magister, framing Andra's father in the process. Andra doesn't care about the Magister or the Council's politics, but there's nothing she won't do to save her family. Even when it turns out the only way to destroy the spell is to become what she despises the most-- a sorceress.

THRICE BORN is a 60,000 word YA urban fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Caveat: Basically? This was awesome and I've changed almost nothing. Excellent work, Sara!

Andra has despised sorcerers since they executed her mother for witchcraft. Twelve years later, the war between witches and sorcerers has ended, but Andra's convinced the peace won't last--not while sorcerers pay the price required by magic with the blood of innocents. Like her mother, Andra plans to become a witch, even though it means sacrificing a piece of her spirit and risking insanity with every spell.

Now an unknown enemy has targeted her brother and ensnared him in a spell that drains his life-force. Andra isn't a witch yet, and her runes are nothing more than squiggles in the air. Desperate, she turns to her friends, including her ex-best-friend Declan. Together, they trace the spell to the sorceress Camilla, a cold-blooded hunter who has killed a hundred witches and whom Declan knows by another name: Mom.

Camilla plans to use the stolen life-force to assassinate the Magister, then frame Andra's father. Andra doesn't care about the Magister or Council politics, but there's nothing she won't do to save her family, even when it turns out the only way to destroy the spell is to become what she despises the most--a sorceress.

THRICE BORN is a 60,000 word YA urban fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #19 Re-Worked!

2011-04-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

authorAlannian has sent Goblin a very strong re-working of his/her query for Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan. It's available for viewing in the comment section of the original post, and I'm sure the author would appreciate more feedback! Please drop by and say what you think of the new version, and thank you all for your continued participation.

~Goblin

Query #19 Re-Worked in the Comments:
Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan

Query #19: "Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan" by authorAlannian

2011-04-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

This query is from authorAlannian for the novel Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan. Thank you authorAlannian for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Thirteen-year-old Alannian is just a prankster in his village. But when he discovers he is the next Incarnation, King Fayavor wants him dead.

For millennia, the Incarnations of the elf Elyyian have kept peace between the elves, humans and dwarves. King Fayavor believed the Incarnations held the humans back from achieving true greatness, so he used ghastly magic to kill the last Incarnation. Fifty years later, war rages throughout the land and Alannian start having dreams about the elf Elyyian.

Alannian discovers he is the Incarnation. Now the king wants him dead. He flees his village, but royal enforcers brutally kill his uncle. With closest person he had to a father dead, Alannian is more alone then he has ever been. Thankfully, an old magician hides the young boy and teaches him in the ways of the Incarnation.

With his growing powers, Alannian sets off to stop the war and the king before the races destroy each other. Servants of the king hunt Alannian and he must learn who he can trust. The lives of everyone Alannian loves are thrust into the lines of war as Fayavor pursues him. Should Alannian fail, then the war will continue and the three races will destroy each other.

ALANNIAN AND THE SWORD OF AZALLYAN is a 100,000-word young adult fantasy where the hope of a world rests on the shoulders of a boy, a prankster, a hero. My book will appeal to the fans Christopher Paolini's INHERITANCE CYCLE. I am working on two follow up novels.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

For millennia, the Incarnations of the elf Elyyian have kept peace between the elves, humans and dwarves. King Fayavor believed the Incarnations held the humans back from achieving true greatness, so he used ghastly magic to kill the last Incarnation. Fifty years later, war rages throughout the land, and Alannian--a thirteen-year-old prankster in a small village--has just started having dreams about the elf Elyyian.

[Something specific happens so that Alannian know he is the Incarnation.] [Something specific happens so that Fayavor learns Alannian is the Incarnation.] Alannian flees his village, but royal enforcers brutally kill his family, and Alannian is left grief-stricken and vulnerable. An old magician hides the boy and teaches him about the Incarnations, and Alannian realizes he must soon accept his destiny instead of running.

As the lives of everyone Alannian loves are drawn into the war, the boy sets off to stop King Fayavor. Alannian knows that if he fails, it will mean more than his own death--for without an Incarnation, the three races will destroy each other and leave the world in ruin.

ALANNIAN AND THE SWORD OF AZALLYAN is a 100,000-word young adult fantasy with series potential. My book will appeal to the fans Christopher Paolini's INHERITANCE CYCLE. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #14 Redux: "The Anasazi Conspiracy" by Newmancht

2011-04-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

Newmancht has re-worked the query for the novel The Anasazi Conspiracy and requested another nibbling from the Goblin. Thank you Newmancht for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

1607 B.C.: Brothers Maska and Ahote come across a curious object. Surely this golden icon must be a gift from the Sun God? Ohhh, but this prize would be woefully cursed, thrusting the Chama clan into chaos and leaving a baffling legacy behind.

1867: Surviving a horrific train crash, broken and bleeding, Stanley is desperate for help. Near death in the open, wild country of the American southwest, he stumbles across a cave. It turns out to be much more than shelter for the night when he discovers an enormous golden Shaman lurking inside, guarding a dazzling temple of untold riches. But would this knowledge die with him?

Two weeks ago: Powerful corporate magnate, Robert Bradley finds someone sniffing around one of his companies for information. Robert has hunch.

One week ago: That "someone" doesn't know he's picked up a tail, or that he'll soon be dead. Robert believes the Anasazi ruins recently uncovered by this man may lead to hidden treasures. His instincts have never been wrong before...and now he has a malicious scheme brewing.

Right now: Jake's plan never included rescuing a beautiful archeologist from the man he was hired to kill. He certainly didn't expect to be double-crossed by his shadowy employer either. There will be hell to pay.

Bradley didn't count on mistakes...or failure. Now his men have a mess to clean up.

In a malevolent twist of fate, two disparate souls are plunged into a race against time and bullets to decipher the mystery of an ancient people and stop the enemy determined to kill them. To fail means the loss of an ancient culture, incredible wealth - and death.

But Jake and Courtney never anticipated the playful banter...the intense looks...or fiery passions escalating as they grapple with coded symbols that will ultimately disclose the location of a cavern of gold and unveil a hidden chronicle that will transform known Anasazi history forever.

THE ANASAZI CONSPIRACY straddles the Historic and Adventure genres and is a complete manuscript available for review at 163K words. This is my first novel and I appreciate your consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

1607 B.C.: Two brothers from the Chama clan of [modern area's name] come across a golden icon they interpret be a gift from the Sun God, but this prize will thrust the clan into chaos and leave a baffling legacy.

1867 A.D.: After surviving a horrific crash, a train engineer discovers a cave containing an enormous golden Shaman that guards a dazzling temple, but will this knowledge die with him?

Two weeks ago: A corporate magnate discovers someone hunting for information around one of his companies. He arranges for Jake [Last Name] to tail the man and, when he learns the snoop recently uncovered a set of Anasazi ruins, the magnate orders Jake to kill the snoop and then makes plans to pillage the site himself.

Right now: Jake's instructions didn't include rescuing a beautiful archeologist from the man he was hired to kill, and he didn't expect his shadowy employer to double-cross him. As Dr. Courtney [Last Name] grapples with the coded petroglyphs that will lead them to a cavern of gold and a hidden chronicle of Anasazi history, Jake must not only re-think his alliances but fight to keep thousands of years of mystery, deception and greed from ending with his own murder.

THE ANASAZI CONSPIRACY straddles the Historic and Adventure genres and is a complete manuscript available for review. This is my first novel and I appreciate your consideration.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #18: "Emerald Bearer" by Grant Hadley K

2011-04-05T17:33:00.000-07:00

This query is from Grant Hadley K for the novel Emerald Bearer. Thank you Grant Hadley K for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Twelve-year-old Samantha never trained to use a magic gem. She never asked to be an Emerald Bearer--she'd never even heard of one. But none of that matters when she finds a palm-sized emerald in the foothills of Arizona. When she picks it up, the huge gem embeds itself in her hand and transports her to Centaunia; a world of peaceful centaurs, evil minotaurs, and a handful of powerful humans with magic gems of their own.

Samantha becomes famous overnight as news of her arrival spreads like wildfire. The centaurs bow before her as if she was royalty. It doesn't take Samantha long to figure out why.

It's been eleven years since the last Emerald Bearer appeared in Centaunia. Since then, raiding minotaurs have been polluting the sacred springs--pollution that turns the centaurs into mindless animals. The purifying powers of Samantha's emerald are their last hope. What's more, they're her only hope of getting back home. But there's something no one will tell her; what happened to the last Emerald Bearer? With the help of three other Gem Bearers, Samantha heads deep into enemy territory in search of the polluted springs. With the dark leader of the minotaurs after her, Samantha has no choice but to fight. That, or learn the fate of the last Emerald Bearer firsthand...

A middle grade fantasy novel, EMERALD BEARER is complete at 58,000 words. This book would appeal to fans of the UNICORN CHRONICLES by Bruce Coville.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

When Samantha finds a palm-sized emerald in the foothills of Arizona, she does what any twelve-year-old would: she picks it up. However, the gem then embeds itself in her hand and Samantha is transported to Centaunia, a world of peaceful centaurs, evil minotaurs, and a handful of powerful humans with magic gems of their own.

News of her arrival spreads, and the centaurs treat Samantha as royalty. It doesn't take her long to learn why. Eleven years ago, the last Emerald Bearer disappeared, and since then, raiding minotaurs have polluted the sacred springs, turning the centaurs who drink there into mindless animals. The purifying powers of Samantha's emerald can save these creatures, and in turn, they'll be able to help Samantha get back home.

With the help of three other Gem Bearers, Samantha heads deep into enemy territory in search of the polluted springs. However, the leader of the minotaurs learns of this and comes after her, and Samantha must fight if she wants to escape learning firsthand what the fate of the last Emerald Bearer was.

EMERALD BEARER, a middle grade fantasy novel, is complete at 58,000 words and would appeal to fans of THE UNICORN CHRONICLES by Bruce Coville. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #17: "Flute Music" by Earth

2011-04-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

This query is from Earth for the novel Flute Music. Thank you Earth for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

"I have been waiting for you. Please help us, before he destroys us and your mother." The strange woman's plea is sixteen-year-old Mira's first indication of the trouble brewing in her new town.

Mira questions the identity of the threat and finds out that it's none other than her mother's boss and the owner of the powerful Calvert Mining Company - the town's biggest employer and its meal ticket. Mira's mother has been hired to jumpstart the company and make its newest mining technique, Salcopper, operational. The woman, Aiyana, has a simple request - stop Salcopper, as it would totally ruin the town's already fragile ecosystem.

Mira has two options. She could tell her mom of Calvert's disdain for environmental safeguards, which would result in her mom refusing to run the technique or going to the federal authorities. With Calvert's track record of dealing with whistle blowers, Mira could well end up an orphan. So option one is out.

Option number two - find evidence against Calvert

Then time runs out for Aiyana. Her body turns up in the mines next to a stack of explosives. The police claim she died attempting to blow up the mine. Mala suspects Aiyana was set up by Mr. Calvert and his best buddy, the police chief.

That's a real problem because Mr. Calvert is now dating her mom. Desperate to convince her of Mr. Calvert's guilt, but unable to find the proof she needs, she accepts help from Brad, a junior at her school. His motives are suspect, since he's also Mr. Calvert's daughter's boyfriend. But to get justice for Aiyana and save her mother, she's willing to take all the help she can find to face the devil himself.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

When Mira's mom is hired to help the Calvert Mining Company perfect a new technique for ore extraction, Mira--like her mother--believes that jumpstarting the company's profits can only help their new hometown. When a local woman named Aiyana starts harassing Mira with conspiracy theories and predictions of ecological disaster, however, the sixteen-year-old decides she has to investigate further.

Mira learns the ore extraction technique is really a engineering trick devised to let Calvert Mining evade environmental safeguards and then legally blame Mira's mother for the damage. Before Mira can warn her mom, however, Aiyana turns up dead--apparently of a botched sabotage attempt against the mine, but more likely of murder.

Now too scared to speak out--especially with the mine's owner suddenly cozying up to her mom--Mira realizes she must find enough evidence to go to the federal authorities alone. If she doesn't, her mother will go to prison and the town's ecosystem will collapse--but if she does, Mira herself could wind up dead.

Flute Music, a [word count] word YA mystery, is complete and available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Thank you, Perri!

2011-03-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Perri at Lesser Apricots for nominating a certain Goblin for a Stylish Blogger award! (It must have the catwalk-sexy stylings of my luxuriant armpit hair that wowed her. Check that photo of me in the sidebar.)

Normally, one passes these awards on, but I thought I'd instead give everyone an opportunity to introduce themselves. Please say hi in the comment trail!

And, if you post the words "Link me!" in your comment, I will add a link to your blog/website here on the main post! (Be sure to add the URL, if you're not commenting via your Blogger account.)

Behold, the Non-Bashful Goblinites:
Perri, at Lesser Apricots
Beckah-Rah (Who also critiques synopses!)
J. A. Beard, at Rift Watcher (Brand new blog!)

Query #16: "Osland" by J. A. Beard

2011-03-29T23:05:00.000-07:00

This query is from J. A. Beard for the novel Osland. Thank you J. A. Beard for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Still grieving over the loss of her parents, Gail Dorjee is less than pleased at being shipped off by her uncle to Osland Academy, an elite Seattle boarding school. The smart-mouthed Kansas teen is unimpressed by her new school, its vicious cliques, and uptight teachers. Those problems pale in comparison to an even more bizarre horror--a strange inability to cuss. The startling revelation she possesses the power to control water and her suddenly PG rated-mouth make Gail suspect Osland is more a magical prison than a school.

Now trapped in an emerald ivy-covered jail run by a mysterious principal no one ever sees, Gail must ally with an airhead, a coward, and a cold-hearted boy to challenge the dangerous teachers threatening her life, freedom, and her ability to say a spicy word or two. She must seek out the hidden Principal Osland before Seattle, her friends and even her soul, are destroyed. She'll need more than a bucket of water when she reaches the end of this yellow brick road.

My young adult urban fantasy novel, OSLAND, is complete at 70,000 words. It is a modern re-imagining of the Wonderful Wizard of Oz that should appeal to fans of the works of Richelle Mead, Claudia Gray, and P.C. Cast.

Thank you for your consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Gail Dorjee, a smart-mouthed Kansas teen, isn't impressed with Osland Academy, the elite Seattle boarding school her uncle just shipped her to. However, the academy's vicious cliques and uptight teachers aren't half as bizarre as Gail's new problem--an inability to cuss. Her suddenly PG rated-mouth, and the startling revelation she possesses the power to control water, make Gail suspect Osland is more a magical prison than a school.

Now trapped in a jail sheathed by emerald ivy, Gail allies with an airhead, a wuss, and a cold-hearted jerk to find the mysterious principal Osland, whom no one ever sees. As Gail challenges the menacing teachers who threaten her freedom and her ability to say a spicy word or two, she discovers a plot that could destroy not only her friends, but her soul, and even Seattle. Miss Dorjee will need more than a bucket of water when she reaches the end of this yellow brick road.

OSLAND, a 70,000 word young adult urban fantasy, is a re-imagining of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. It will appeal to fans of the works of Richelle Mead, Claudia Gray, and P.C. Cast. Thank you for your consideration.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #15: "The Puppet Mistress" by All-Stars

2011-03-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

This query is from All-Stars for the novel The Puppet Mistress. Thank you All-Stars for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

While seventeen-year-old Vaila Grayson is the reigning video game champion, she is overwhelmed by a game with no saves, resets, or continues. Stubbornness won't allow her to walk away and neither will the dimpled smile of her video knight, Sir Cenric Alva. She soon realizes Cenric is not just a collection of pixels, but a real person under a curse.

Unaware he's a pawn in her game, Cenric believes he has fallen victim to a puppet master, an evil magician who controls his movements. This complicates his quest to destroy the Negura, a renegade black magic that threatens to annihilate the magicians of 14th century Spain.

When Vaila's fighting skills fail to deliver against one of the Negura's beasts, Cenric is bitten, but she also cries out when blood dribbles down her arm. Their souls are now intertwined. Emotions and pain alike are shared and death would certainly take them both down.

The guardian of secrets holds the information to defeating the Negura, but finding him will unearth more that just their enemy's weakness. Hidden abilities are rising to the surface in Vaila as she enlists her ingenuity to tackle side quests and terrible monsters. Her greatest challenge, however, is ignoring the sparks igniting between her and Cenric. With the Negura stalking her every move, Vaila has only one chance to stay focused.

"The Puppet Mistress" is a 70,000-word YA fantasy novel with romantic elements, told in alternating points of view. This is the first book in a potential series.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Vaila Grayson is a video game champion, but even she feels overwhelmed by a new game with no saves, resets, or continues. Stubbornness won't let her walk away, and neither will the dimpled smile of her video knight, Sir Cenric Alva. It's only when Cenric is injured, and Vaila yelps as her own arm begins to bleed, that she realizes her knight is not just a collection of pixels but a real person under a curse.

Unaware he's a pawn in her game, Cenric believes he has fallen victim to an evil magician who controls his movements and complicates his quest to destroy the Negura, a rogue magical entity that threatens the magicians of 14th century Spain. As Cenric fights both the Negura's beasts and Vaila's control, he doesn't realize his soul is entwined with hers and that his actions are endangering a seventeen-year-old girl.

Using her ingenuity, rapidly-developing skills and broader understanding of the situation, Vaila helps Cenric tackle side-quests and battle monsters. However, her bond with the knight is making it too easy for romantic sparks to ignite, and Vaila must fight this distraction as she steers Cenric toward the information he needs to defeat the Negura--because unlike Cenric, Vaila realizes that if her knight falls, she'll die too.

"The Puppet Mistress" is a 70,000-word YA fantasy, told in alternating points of view, which has series potential. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #14: "The Anasazi Conspiracy" by Newmancht

2011-03-24T16:23:00.000-07:00

This query is from Newmancht for the novel The Anasazi Conspiracy. Thank you Newmancht for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Jake’s plan never included rescuing a beautiful archeologist from the evil man he was hired to kill. He certainly didn’t expect to be double-crossed by his shadowy employer either. In a malevolent twist of fate, the lives of two disparate souls are united in a race against time to decipher the mystery of an ancient people and stop the enemy determined to kill them.

THE ANASAZI CONSPIRACY is a Historical Adventure, weaving a rich tapestry of the enigmatic Chama clan into the fabric of a contemporary mission to steal the discovery of a fantastic archeological find. In 1607 BC, brothers Maska and Ahote make a curious discovery inside a cave on their hunting trip, but the prize they bring home quickly propels their hidden society into chaos and leaves a baffling legacy behind.

Their legacy first comes to light after a horrific train crash in the open, wild country of 1867. When the train engineer survives, badly wounded and delirious, he stumbles across an ancient relic while desperately searching for help. But soon Stanley collapses from his injuries, the secret almost dying with him again. His destiny is sealed when rescued by a merciful Jemez tribe, eventually recovering yet unable to recall the location of this incredible find. His failed search for the lost cavern promising untold riches influences the fate of his descendants, compelling them to honor the clandestine promise he made long ago.

Flash forward to the present, when powerful corporate magnate, Robert Bradley, underestimates his hired gun and the success of a malicious business scheme, the players in this deadly game are plunged into a race against time and bullets. Jake’s endeavor to stop the ruthless adversary pursuing them reveals a brilliant ally in Dr. Courtney Kirkland as she deftly works to unravel the elusive Anasazi petroglyphs. To fail means the loss of a magnificent culture - and death.

But Jake and Courtney never anticipated the playful banter…the intense looks…or fiery passions escalating as they grapple with the coded symbols linking this diverse cast through thousands of years of mystery, deception and greed. Culminating in an explosive finale, they succeed in unearthing a chronicle that will change Anasazi history forever.

The Author is a happily married father of four monsters, ‘er, boys and a history buff. This is my first novel and is a complete work available for review. Thank you for your consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

In 1607 B.C., two brothers from the Chama clan of [modern area's name] discovered a [specific item] while on a hunting trip, and the chaos provoked by that find changed their society forever.

In 1867 A.D., a train engineer staggered from a horrific crash in search of help and instead found evidence of the clan's baffling legacy. When his injuries prevented him finding the site again, he passed the knowledge of its existence to his family.

Today, hired gun Jake [last name] is scrambling to protect Dr. Courtney Kirkland from his double-crossing ex-employer, who wants to pillage the fantastic archeological site Courtney is on the brink of locating.

More is at stake than the loss of a magnificent culture, however. Jake's ex-boss believes he can only get away with stealing the site's riches if everyone who knows about the place is dead. As Courtney struggles to unravel petroglyphs and unearth a chronicle that will change the world's understanding of Anasazi history, Jake must fight to keep thousands of years of mystery, deception and greed from ending in a double murder.

THE ANASAZI CONSPIRACY is a complete [word count, rounded to the nearest 1,000] word adventure novel steeped in one of my personal passions: history. Thank you for your consideration.

Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

New Policy

2011-03-15T12:13:00.001-07:00

Hello All,

To help encourage discussion in the comments section, I've decided that I will offer constructive criticism for each new query. This will be just a quick note to say what I thought the original query did well, what I thought could be improved in it, and what I think is still lacking in my own edited version of that query.

I will always try to keep these comments supportive, constructive, and kind, just as--and I am very happy and grateful to see this happening--the blog's other commenters already do.

Anyone who submitted a query to me previously, and who would like me to comment on their query in this fashion also, can leave me a note in the Questions/Suggestions Forum and ask me to re-visit their query and leave my thoughts on it. I would be most happy to oblige you in this!

Thank you all for your attention and continued interest in The Query Goblin site.

~Goblin

Query #13: "White Blood" by Angela

2011-03-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

This query is from Angela for the novel White Blood. Thank you Angela for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

When she hears the king’s daughter is pregnant and seeks to hire a wet-nurse, Maryn has no reason to apply for the job. She adores her life as a talented craftsman’s wife and delights in her infant son.

All that changes the morning fire rips through her home and destroys everything Maryn loves. Nursing newborn Prince Barilan can’t replace what she’s lost, but at least it will allow her to earn a living.

But instead of providing the security Maryn hopes for, her new position thrusts her into danger. Prince Carlich, the king’s charismatic second son, schemes to quietly eliminate his older brother. His attempt goes disastrously wrong, leaving a trail of bodies, the king dead, and Carlich a fugitive. In a desperate bid to salvage his hopes for power, Carlich seizes Maryn and Barilan as hostages.

On the run with Carlich, held prisoner by his blood sorcery, Maryn struggles to escape and find a way to save her kingdom from civil war. One thing might stop Carlich--he needs the magical Kingship Barilan has inherited to rally the people to his side. A spell prevents Carlich from killing the baby, so he seeks Maryn’s aid.

Maryn must choose: will she defy her captor, protect the child she has come to love, and risk attempting the sorcery that can defeat Carlich? Or will she give in to his bribery?

For Carlich offers her the one thing she cannot refuse--her own son’s life restored in exchange for Barilan’s soul.

My fantasy novel WHITE BLOOD is complete at 106,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Nursing the newborn Prince Barilan won’t replace what Maryn has lost--a husband and infant son--but at least it will allow her to earn a living. That security disintegrates, however, when the king's charismatic second son, Prince Carlich, botches a grab for the throne and must seize Maryn and Barilan as hostages to save his own life.

On the run with Carlich, and held prisoner by his blood sorcery, Maryn struggles to protect the now-ascended infant king. Carlich still has plans, of course. If he can hijack the magical Kingship Barilan has inherited, he can rally the people to his side and salvage his bid for power. A spell prevents Carlich from killing the baby--but Maryn can help him circumvent that.

Maryn defies her captor's cajolery and threats, determined to protect the child she has come to love. However, when Carlich promises Maryn the one thing she doesn't think she can bear to refuse--her own son's life restored in exchange for Barilan's soul--the kingdom's future hinges on a battle between a mother's love and a woman's strength of will.

My completed 106,000 word fantasy, WHITE BLOOD, is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Question for the Goblinites:

2011-03-13T23:44:00.001-07:00

Hello all,

I was hoping to ask your opinion on a delicate matter. I've noted the discussion in the comments sections has been tailing off recently, and I'd like to reverse that trend if possible.

Do any of you have suggestions for what would get you more involved in the discussion for a given query? What sort of things get you engaged in these kinds of conversations? I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter!

Also, one possibility I've entertained is that I, La Goblinne, could become more involved in the comments too. I've avoided doing so thus far in order to uphold my goal of providing judgement-free help to queriers. By voicing an opinion in the comments, I felt I would have to step back from that ideal.

However, I could do this very tactfully, and given that other commenters already say what they think of the queries in the comment section, any writer who truly doesn't want to see criticisms of their work can still just avoid the comment trail.

Do you have an opinion on this second issue? Should I continue to mutely provided editing and re-write suggestions, or should I outline what I think works and what could be improved in the comments section for a given query?

Thank you all for your assistance!

~ Goblin

Query #12: "Thrice-Born" by Sara Jane Wade

2011-03-13T23:33:00.000-07:00

This query is from Sara Jane Wade for the novel Thrice-Born. Thank you Sara for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

I would like you to consider my YA urban fantasy, THRICE-BORN, complete at 60,000 words.

Seventeen years old Andra’s life is full. On top of dealing with the aftermath of drunken sex with the best friend whose advances she’d previously rejected, concealing the growing pain caused by her fractured soul, she also has to make a choice that will determine her standing in Octavian society. As a mere Initiate, she is powerless until she makes her Offering and chooses a Discipline: the spiritual Dyaus who sacrifice a piece of their spirit at the risk of madness, or the immoral but powerful Prithvi, who offer blood.

Andra’s life takes a dramatic turn when a mercenary Disciple attacks her astral twin, Andy, and stabs him with a cursed dagger. If she can’t destroy the spell draining his life, her brother will die in twelve hours. Complications arise as Andra finds out that the Disciple holding the spell is her best friend’s estranged mother, the Prithvi Priestess Alazne. Andra and the rest of her friends battle time, family, and secrets best left buried as they risk everything to save Andy, and stumble in the middle of an assassination plot that could throw their society back into war.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Seventeen-year-old Andra is supposed to be preparing for the most important decision of her life, and instead she's mopping up the embarrassment caused by her stupidest one. While her focus should be on choosing a magical discipline within the powerful Octavian society, instead Andra is desperately avoiding her best friend [NAME] so she doesn't have to discuss that drunk sex they had.

However, when a mercenary attacks Andra's astral brother, and leaves him snared in a spell that will drain his life force within twelve hours, Andra realizes she needs [NAME]'s help more than she needs her false dignity. Unfortunately, 'awkward' doesn't begin to describe their interactions after Andra discovers it's [NAME]'s mother who is draining her astral brother's life.

Caught between suspicion and friendship, budding desire and sore regret, Andra and [NAME] battle to save her brother's life, and in the process, they discover an assassination plot that could plunge the Octavian society into a war that initiates like Andra probably won't survive.

THRICE-BORN, a YA urban fantasy, is complete at 60,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Query #11: "A Rocket to the Moon", by Lisa

2011-03-08T10:32:00.000-08:00

This query is from Lisa for the novel A Rocket to the Moon. Thank you Lisa for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this! (And my apologies for the travel-related delay.)

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Since January 8th, Lexi Dwyer has written letters to a dead boy. On December 23rd, she was the sole survivor of a plane crash that killed 163 others. She thinks that Liam, the boy she writes to, survived. He didn't.

Catapulted into unwanted fame, she has to fend off journalists and religious crazies, while dealing with exams, embarrassing parents, and a complicated relationship with an older man. On top of that, Liam's 'survival' is literally driving her mad. Plagued by nightmares and frequent visits from Liam, can she keep her sanity in the most tumultous year of her life?

A ROCKET TO THE MOON is my edgy YA novel complete at 60,000 words.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

On Christmas Eve, Lexi Dwyer survived a plane crash that killed 163 others, and that survival catapults her into an intensely-unwanted fame.

Juggling school, embarrassing parents, and her recovery is bad enough, but Lexi must also fend off journalists and religious crazies. She only has two people she can really talk to about the most tumultuous year of her life--an older man, whose relationship with Lexi is growing ever more complicated, and Liam, a fellow survivor she met in the hospital.

Nightmares plague Lexi, but it's only when Liam--who never answers her letters--begins visiting Lexi more and more frequently that she realizes something is very wrong. She investigates, only to learn Liam did not survive the disaster.

Now Lexi must grapple with yet another terror no sixteen-year-old should have to go through--the knowledge that while her body survived the crash, her mind possibly has not.

A ROCKET TO THE MOON is an edgy YA novel complete at 60,000 words.

Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Success Story! And A Request For More Comments

2011-03-05T19:36:00.000-08:00

Beckarah, of Query #2: Eyes of Stone, has this good news to pass on!

Just wanted to drop by and say thanks, because my query, which relied heavily on your rewrite, has gotten 2 partial requests from *BIG* agencies and now I have a full request from a publisher! Trying not to get my hopes up, but there's little doubt I'd have gotten this far without help from awesome (and patient) people like Query Goblin and her followers. Thanks!! :D

Congratulations, Beckarah! May this lead to publication for Eyes of Stone!

~~~~~~~

Also, to everyone, Faraci has a very strong re-write for the query of World Book up in the comments of this post and I'm sure more comments on it would be appreciated!

~~~~~~~

And finally, to Lisa, your query will be up in about three days. Sorry for the wait, but I'm almost finished with my real-life craziness! Things will be back to normal very soon. I appreciate your patience. :-)

Query #10: "World Book" by Faraci

2011-03-01T18:16:00.000-08:00

This query is from Faraci for the novel World Book. Thank you Faraci for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Seth was good at following the rules. He obeyed his parents, performed his nightly vows, and observed the laws in the World Book with pride – until he met Kinessa.

The Kingdoms of the Land, Air, and Sea follow the World Book – a list of oppressive laws designed to keep peace throughout the Kingdoms. Kinessa, a thirteen-year-old stranger claiming to have amnesia, believes these laws need to change. When Seth’s family shelters Kinessa, her blatant disregard for the World Book initially frightens Seth, but he is intrigued by her rebellious ideas. For the first time he dares to explore the woods in his backyard and visit the ocean, but he faints from shock when Kinessa reveals she’s from the Kingdom of the Sea by changing into a sea serpent.

Kinessa tells Seth that she came to the land, a crime punishable by death, to spy on a secret meeting between the Kings and their heirs. Seth follows her to the meeting, but grows skeptical of her plan when she decides to convince the Crown Prince of the Air to join their side. The prince’s bloodthirsty nature leads to a deadly confrontation, and they barely escape with their lives. Kinessa comes up with another reckless plan and decides to start a revolution in the King’s City of the land. A few people begin to listen to their ideas, but when the Crown Prince catches up to them Seth must rely on his own intelligence and courage to save them all.

WORLD BOOK is a completed 32,000 word fantasy for middle grade readers.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Seth has always obeyed his parents, performed his nightly vows, and observed the laws in the World Book with pride. However, when Seth's family provides shelter to Kinessa, a thirteen-year-old claiming to have amnesia, her blatant disregard for the World Book first frightens, then galvanises, Seth.

Kinessa believes the laws that keep peace between the kingdoms of Land, Air, and Sea need to change. Responding to the challenge of her views, Seth dares to explore the woods in his backyard and visit the ocean for the first time. However, when Kinessa changes into a sea serpent in front of him, Seth realizes his family's guest not only lied about her amnesia but has a broader plan.

Kinessa says she came from the Kingdom of the Sea to spy on a secret meeting between the rulers of the three kingdoms. When Seth follows her to that meeting, however, he sees Kinessa try to convince the Crown Prince of the Air to ally with the Sea. The prince instead attacks Kinessa, and even with Seth's intervention, they barely escape with their lives. Kinessa is undaunted and decides to start a revolution in the City of the Land, where the meeting took place. A few people begin to listen to her and Seth's ideas, but when the bloodthirsty Crown Prince of Air catches up to them, it's Seth's intelligence--and his new-found courage--that will save them all.

WORLD BOOK is a completed 32,000 word fantasy for middle grade readers.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Query-Writing Craft: Part 2

2011-02-27T00:01:00.000-08:00

Last week, I suggested that when you sit down to draft a query, you want to start by answering the following questions:

- Who is the protagonist?
- What is her situation?
- What kind of world is the novel set in?

The Inciting Incident:

- What is the story's inciting incident? I.e. What sudden change convinces the protagonist she must act?
------- What does the protagonist want?
------- What are the stakes if she fails?
------- What gets in the way of her getting what she wants?
------- What does she choose to do to obtain what she wants? What's her plan?

Escalation:

- What goes wrong with that plan?
- How does that increase the stakes?

- What is her next plan?

- What goes wrong with her next plan?
- How does that increase the stakes again?

- What (very hard thing) must the protagonist do to prevent (a very bad) disaster?

This week, I'll discuss how to craft your query from the answers to the above questions. But first, let me rant and rave and froth about brevity.

You only have about 250 words to spend in your query, so it's critical that you streamline the plot ruthlessly. Yes, your book is full of complex subtleties and lively minor characters, but you must leave all that sparkling awesomeness as a pleasant surprise for the agent/editor who requests pages. It must NOT go in the query.

Why? Because too much detail confuses the reader (badly) and it takes up too much space on the page, regardless.

Here are some tips for keeping your query simple:

- Only discuss the main plot of the novel. All subplots must be omitted.
------- Also, you may need to gloss over the subtleties of your plot, or even mildly misrepresent it, in order to make it sound logical in the query. This is painful, but it's more important for your query to be easy-to-understand than accurate.

- The only descriptions you should include are those the reader needs to know in order to understand the plot. Thus, don't mention that your protagonist is a sexy, thirty-year-old redhead, but if she's going to be forced at gunpoint to perform surgery on the villain, go ahead and describe her as a doctor.

- Keep proper nouns to a minimum. That means names and placenames.
------- Your protagonist should be referred to by name. The love interest and the villain can be named also. Everyone else should be referred to by their function within the story, not their name. For example, say "the priest" rather than "Father Ramchandra".
------- Likewise, omit placenames. However, in fantasy, science fiction, and historical novels, including a placename can help establish what type of novel you've written and what sort of world the protagonist lives in. It's a judgment call; do whatever you think makes the query easiest to understand.

Alright; now, let's get to the business of writing the query!

I've heard it suggested that the query letter should focus on the inciting incident only. This has merit, because the inciting incident is the hook that leads the reader into the story, so it may also be the hook that most efficiently grabs the agent/editor's interest.

That said, I prefer to include more detail about the book than just the inciting incident, and I do so by the method outlined below.

First Paragraph:

I start by isolating what the essential conflict in the book's inciting incident is. Then, I try to cram that conflict into the first paragraph. In a sense, I'm using the book's inciting incident as a logline to hook the reader's interest right away.

Remember that the promise of conflict is fiction's most effective lure. It's what keeps people compulsively turning the pages, and so it will also hook an agent/editor into a query.

Now, look back over your answers to these questions:

1) Who is the protagonist?
2) What is her situation?
3) What kind of world is the novel set in?
4) What is the story's inciting incident?
-------4(a) What does the protagonist want?
-------4(b) What are the stakes if she fails?
-------4(c) What gets in the way of her getting what she wants?
-------4(d) What does she choose to do to obtain what she wants? What's her plan?

Answering all of this is our target for the first paragraph, and we only have a few sentences to do it in. The first sentence should answer questions (1) and (4) immediately, and should hopefully establish the conflict between 4(a) and 4(c). If it doesn't, then the second sentence should. Yes, we have to move that fast.

The next sentence should then address 4(b).

So what about (2) and (3)? If possible, they should be implied as we go along, rather than stated outright.

For example, if your first sentence starts with, "When a wizard flattens Zenestral's pub and threatens to kill her unicorn foal...", that makes it obvious what kind of world the novel is set in and what kind of person Zenestral is. (2) and (3) are now answered (in addition to (1) and (4)) and we were able to focus on the yummy conflict, not the boring background details.

4(d) we can leave for the next paragraph. If you've covered (1)-4(c), you should have a solid and intriguing first paragraph.

After the First Paragraph:

In the next paragraphs--and you can have one or several, as you see fit--you're going to focus on the escalation of the story. Recall these questions:

4(d) What's her plan?

5) What goes wrong with/complicates the first plan?
6) How does that increase the stakes?

7) What is the protagonist's next plan?

8) What goes wrong with/complicates it?
9) How does that increase the stakes again?

10) What (very hard thing) must the protagonist do to prevent (a very bad) disaster?

At this stage you should be thinking about the big picture, not the incremental small steps that lead the protagonist onward from the inciting incident. You should get the antagonist (human or otherwise) introduced and explain how his plans are the obstacles/complications for the protagonist.

You also want to be focusing on escalation and the promise that a huge confrontation is coming. The reader should clearly see that life is getting riskier and more difficult for the protagonist.

I find it's a good tactic, in this part of the query letter, to state what the protagonist needs (goal), then immediately mention what gets in her way (obstacle/complication), and then mention the stakes.

So, for example:

"Zenestral knows it's time to flee to yet another new town,[PLAN] but this time she has a son,[COMPLICATION] and if they leave now, the local earth spirit will curse him and doom the boy to the same unlucky life Zenestral has suffered.[STAKES]"

I keep repeating this triplet of goal/obstacle/stakes to flesh out the rest of the plot's escalation, always making sure the stakes continue to rise. As soon as the reader understands the full danger and difficulty of the book's main conflict, then the query ends without giving them any resolution or release of tension. I wrap it up in a final paragraph with the genre and word count, any credentials, and I thank the agent/editor for their consideration.

In other word, the conflict of question (10) is your cliffhanger. You end with the reader wondering what happens next, forcing them to request pages to satisfy their curiosity.

Please note the Query Goblin is dealing with some real life hustle and bustle right now, and will be more absent than she wants to be from the comments section. Please feel free to have a spirited discussion without her, however! In a few weeks, she'll be back and she will jump in belatedly.

Query-Writing Craft: Part 1

2011-02-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

Kay, of Query 7, suggested I write a post or two on how to structure a query, and since the stream of queries-to-be-massaged is occasionally slow, I'm taking Kay's good advice.

This week, I'll concentrate on how to begin writing a query--what information you need and what story elements you should focus on.

The first thing to understand is that your job in a query letter is not to summarize a 300-word novel in 250 words--your job is to make whoever reads that query desperate to get their hands on the book itself.

So how do you do that? The same way you compel someone who is reading the first chapter of your book to compulsively plough through to The End--with the promise of conflict.

People become desperately curious to learn what happens next when they can smell a major confrontation on the horizon. This is why an escalating argument is so hard to ignore--you feel you need to find out how bad the fight is going to get and who will win.

Thus, in your query letter, you want to make the reader believe that all hell is about to break loose--and then leave them dangling, with no idea of how it ends. This should effectively make them frantic to read the book itself.

(Note that when I say "all hell is about to break loose", that can also mean a quiet, internalized hell. Introspective novels also focus on escalating conflicts, but the conflict can take place inside the protagonist's head or heart.)

So how do you convince the reader of the query that your book has a juicy, riveting confrontation lurking at the end of it?

I'm actually going to save that discussion until the Feb. 27th, 2011, blog post, but today I will explain how to identify which the story elements you'll use as building blocks to assemble that enticing query with.

One thing to note is if you've written a good book, then you have all the raw material you need to write a good query letter too. You might not know how to yet, but the content you need already exists in the form of Building Blocks 1 and 2, listed below.

Building Block 1; The Inciting Incident

The story's inciting incident is the moment when the protagonist's world changes--usually unpleasantly--and forces them to take action to improve the situation.

The inciting incident usually sets up a dilemma for the protagonist, too. If they don't act, there will be a penalty (the "stakes"), and if they do act, there will be hardships to overcome (the obstacles).

Note the inciting incident does not have to turn out to be an important part of the story. For example, the inciting incident of the Harry Potter books is when Harry gets a letter inviting him to attend wizard school. However, Harry's destiny turns out to be destroying the evil wizard Voldemort, so in hindsight, that exciting letter he got wasn't such a big deal.

Building Block 2; The Escalation: Goal, Obstacle/Complication, Stakes

Once your protagonist has been forced to act, he has to choose a plan. As soon as he tries to implement that plan, things go awry in the form of obstacles and complications. The obstacles/complications force the protagonist to come up with a new plan, and they also increase the stakes (i.e. the penalties for failure.)

For example:

Inciting incident: Luke Skywalker discovers a hologram of Princess Leia in his droid. He is so entranced by her image that he cannot ignore her plea.

Stakes: A stranger will be hurt if he does nothing, and Luke's too good-hearted to allow that.

Goal: Visit Ben Kenobi and ask if he knows who this "Obi-wan Kenobi" Leia is trying to contact is.

Obstacle/Complication: The droid goes missing.

New Stakes: Not only can Luke not help the pretty lady, but his uncle is gonna kill him for losing the new droid.

New Goal: Go find that droid.

New Obstacle/Complication: Luke finds both Ben and the droid, but learns he's more personally connected to Leia's fight than he knew. Ben says Luke's father was killed by Darth Vader, the same person Leia is fighting, and Ben wants Luke to leave the planet to help fight Vader.

New Stakes: Luke is asked to sacrifice his entire way of life for Leia and Ben's fight.

New Goal: Say no and go home. This is too big.

New Obstacle/Complication: Storm Troopers, looking for the droid, have killed Luke's family.

New Stakes: Luke's life is in danger, and he now has a potent personal desire to fight Vader.

New Goal: Go with Ben Kenobi and stop Darth Vader.

Et cetera. The thing to note here is that every time Luke tries to do something to get to his immediate goal, the situation changes to both increase the stakes and force him to form a new plan to reach a new goal.

Now, how to turn this into a query letter? That discussion I'll defer to Feb. 27th, 2011, but here is a list of things you want to think about before you begin to assemble your query:

Questions to Answer Before Drafting Your Query:

- Who is the protagonist? What is her situation, and what kind of world is the novel set in?

The Inciting Incident:

- What is the story's inciting incident? I.e. What sudden change convinces the protagonist she must act?

- For the story's inciting incident, answer the following questions:

------- What does the protagonist want?

------- What are the stakes if she fails?

------- What gets in the way of her getting what she wants?

------- What does she choose to do to obtain what she wants? What's her plan?

Escalation:

- What goes wrong with that plan?
- How does that increase the stakes?

- What is her next plan?
------- At this point, you want to start thinking big. The inciting incident is small; the main plot of the book is big. Think BIG.

- What goes wrong with the next plan?
- How does that increase the stakes again?

- What (very hard thing) must the protagonist do to prevent (a very bad) disaster?
------- Note this should outline the book's major conflict, i.e. the event that constitutes your big climax.

On Feb. 27th, 2011, I'll explain how to begin crafting the answers to these questions into a query letter.

Please note the Query Goblin is dealing with some real life hustle and bustle right now, and will be more absent than she wants to be from the comments section. Please feel free to have a spirited discussion without her, however! In a few weeks, she'll be back and she will jump in belatedly.

Query #9: "Spirits of the Unknown" by Orlando

2011-02-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

This query is from Orlando for the novel Spirits of the Unknown. Thank you Orlando for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

After an assassin kills his father and youngest brother, Tilvanau -- oldest son of his planet's ruling family -- faces a brutal civil war. Amid rumors that he killed his own kin to gain sole control of the government, and the rise of a powerful new dictator in the west, Tilvanau gets a grim reminder the assassin is still out there.

Tilvanau's second brother attempts to flee with his family, but the assassin hidden inside their ship kills everyone aboard, escaping planet-side. Meanwhile, the ship, haunted by the ghosts of the murdered family, jumps to its programmed destination: Earth.

The American government has possession of the ship, and is contacted by Tilvanau, and the new dictator. They must make an alliance to capitalize from the scientific knowledge the ship contains. Not knowing who to trust, they realize the wrong choice can begin an interplanetary war involving Earth. The ghosts of his family attempt to disclose the killer, to no avail. Now they want revenge.

With conspiracies around every corner as the government crumbles, there's only one person Tilvanau might be able to trust to help: the secretary of state, who also happens to be the woman he loves. But she's now next in line to take command. She has motive and opportunity to see him dead. She warned him of such an attack, frustrated she was excluded from secret meetings. She could well be his greatest enemy or his greatest ally.

Discovering the assassin's identity has become of paramount importance -- finding the killer may be the key to suppressing the civil war, uniting the planet. He follows his brother's ship to Earth where he'll either find the answers he needs -- or walk right into the assassin's trap.

SPIRITS OF THE UNKNOWN is complete at 95,250 words.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

When his father and brother are assassinated, it leaves Tilvanau the contested ruler of the planet Suvino. Unfortunately, most of his population now considers Tilvanau a murderer, and the upstart dictator who really ordered the attacks is using their anger to destabilize Tilvanau's government.

When Tilvanau's remaining brother is also assassinated, it turns the conflict interplanetary. The brother's ship arrives at Earth with its occupants slaughtered, but Earth's authorities are more hungry to exploit the ship's technology than to find the killer. The problem is, they can't unlock that technology without the help of Suvino's government--and there are two governments. If Earth sides with the wrong one, it will provoke civil war on Suvino.

Discovering the assassin's identity is the only way Tilvanau can prevent the bloodshed and avenge his family. But as conspiracies ensnare his advisors, Tilvanau is forced to place most of his trust in the woman next in line to seize his power. When she suggests he follow his brother's ship to Earth, Tilvanau knows he will either find the answers he needs there--or walk right into an assassin's trap.

SPIRITS OF THE UNKNOWN is complete at 95,000 words. Thank you for your consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Query #8: "The Family Grim" by Taylor

2011-01-30T20:26:00.000-08:00

This query is from Taylor for the novel The Family Grim. Thank you Taylor for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Two hundred years ago Death's most feared servant, the infamous Grim Reaper, sacrificed his immortality for the woman he loved, entrusting his eternal duty to his future descendants: the Family Grim. Three generations later, Jude Grim struggles to balance these deathly duties with his life as a high school student buried beneath the shadow of his twin brother Drew, the local golden boy.

The twins first learned of their unusual bloodline four years ago. Drew took it as a sign of his greatness. Jude took it as a curse. And now, thanks to Drew's insatiable temper and Jude's compassionate soul, the onetime best friends are bitter enemies. Adding to the rivalry is Haven Snow, Drew's current girlfriend and Jude's childhood sweetheart. One night Drew's temper gets the best of him, and in a fit of rage he uses his powers to kill a classmate, hiding the body in a nearby river. When Haven discovers Drew's secret, she becomes his next victim.

Determined to save her, a heart-broken Jude pursues Death's forbidden remedy: seeds from the legendary Tree of Life. The seeds hold the power to reverse a reaper's kill, but must be used quickly. With Drew hot on his trail and Death watching their every move, Jude has twenty four hours to find the tree and bring Haven back before she's lost forever.

THE FAMILY GRIM, a young adult fantasy novel, is complete at 72,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Two hundred years ago, the Grim Reaper sacrificed his immortality for the woman he loved and entrusted his eternal duty to his descendants. Three generations later, Jude Grim is struggling to balance high school with what he considers the family curse.

As if juggling homework with harvesting souls weren't bad enough, the only girl Jude has ever loved is Haven Snow, and guess who's she's dating? His popular twin Drew, who considers the Reaper bloodline proof of own greatness and justification for his increasingly vicious temper.

Jude's love for his brother is dying, but he doesn't realize he'll soon have to strangle it entirely. When an argument provokes Drew into a fit of rage, he uses his powers to murder a classmate, then hides the body in a river. When Haven discovers Drew's secret, he kills her too.

Now Jude has twenty-four hours to find a remedy for a Reaper's touch or it will be too late to bring Haven back from the dead. It's heart-breaking enough his own twin is hot on his trail and willing to kill him, but Jude soon learns he has an even more dangerous family member hunting him. The shade of the original Grim Reaper also wants dying to remain a one-way street--and he too is willing to hurry Jude's demise to ensure that.

THE FAMILY GRIM, a young adult fantasy, is complete at 72,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Query #7: "Orion: The Reunion" by Kay

2011-01-27T12:27:00.000-08:00

This query is from Kay for the novel Orion: The Reunion. Thank you Kay for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

NOTE: In order to provide the Goblin with as much raw material to work with as possible (much appreciated; thank you!), the author has submitted two versions of her query. Both are posted below:
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Version One:

Twenty two year old Aaly Bennett believes that God doesn’t play dice. But it takes five broken bones, a serious concussion and a foot long scar to convince the fake ‘magical squib’ to start the journey to meet her magical destiny.

An inexperienced novice from Cubes, the Magical Council of San Francisco, Aaly loves her regular human life. She knows little of the Legend of the Fallen - 1073 unidentified exceptionally powerful magical beings brutally massacred on the same night 25 years ago after being betrayed by one of their own. She had not even heard of the stolen Ven element, Prian, in possession of the faceless leader of the Dark Forces, Ygorr. Once unlocked by the last of the Fallen, the element will give the Dark Forces complete access and control over 7 billion human souls who are yet to consciously unlock the magic within

But Aaly’s regular lifestyle goes out the window when an allegedly dead man, also a frequent participant in her recurring nightmares, steps in front of her car. Aaly is blamed for the consequent 10 car pile up and is determined to find the truth. On this seemingly simple quest, Aaly gets help from different magical realms including her best friend, a helpful but ‘I am superior than thou’ Dak officer and a runaway blue blooded Ven.

Instead, Aaly and her friends get involved in a race between the Ministry of Magic and Ygorr that will determine the fate of not just all magical beings but also the entire humanity. Only Aaly with her unique connection to the Fallen can unmask the traitor of the Fallen and find the eventual resting place of the collective powers of the Fallen in time to use them to defeat Ygorr and the rising Dark Army.

At 95,000 words, ORION: THE REUNION tracks Aaly and her friends work across borders and cultures, human and magical, to find their feet in a new, darker magical world where all the answers lie within and each must make his or her own journey.

Version Two:

Twenty two year old Aaly Bennett believes that God doesn’t play dice. But it takes five broken bones, a serious concussion and a foot long scar to convince Aaly to ditch her ‘almost magical squib’ lifestyle and embrace her magical destiny.

An inexperienced novice from Cubes, the Magical Council of San Francisco, Aaly is on a seemingly simple quest: To find out the identities of the people in her recurring nightmares and why are they haunting her day and night. Especially after one of them steps in front of her car in broad day light and causes a ten car pile up for which she is blamed. The Fallen might be the people Aaly is looking for - hereto unidentified 1073 exceptionally powerful magical beings brutally massacred 25 year ago after an alleged betrayal by one of their own. Her partners in this quest hail from different magical realms and include her best friend, a helpful but ‘I am superior than thou’ Dak officer and a runaway blue blooded Ven.

But Ygorr, the faceless leader of the Dark Forces, is also looking for the last of the Fallen to unlock a stolen Ven element and help overthrow the Ministry of Magic, the authority on all matters in the happily coexisting magical and human worlds on Earth. Defeating the darkness becomes more personal and not just about survival when Aaly’s father is exposed as the person who betrayed the Fallen and Aaly’s real connection to the Fallen is revealed.

At 95,000 words, ORION: THE REUNION follows Aaly and her friends across borders and cultures, human and magical, as they find their feet in a new darker magical world where all the answers lie within and each journey must be made alone.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Aaly loves her regular human life, but that goes out the window--and so does Aaly--when an allegedly dead man and frequent participant in her recurring nightmares steps in front of her car.

Badly injured and blamed for the resulting ten car pile-up, Aaly decides it's time to embrace her magical heritage and find out why this man haunts her dreams. Aided by her highly aggravating best friend and a runaway from another world, Aaly learns the man of her nightmares may be one of The Fallen--a group of San Franciscan magic users massacred decades ago after a betrayal by one of their own.

But Aaly isn't the only one after more information. Ygorr, a slick sociopath with a big plan, has realized the collective powers of The Fallen did not die with their owners, and the person who gains possession of that cache will also possess the key to controlling seven billion human souls who have yet to consciously unlock their own magic.

When Ygorr learns Aaly's father was the one who betrayed The Fallen, Aaly must scramble not only to stay free but to attain The Fallen's powers for herself. Suddenly, accepting her magical heritage isn't just an inconvenience--it's the only way Aaly will prevent Ygorr destroying her belovedly mundane human world.

Orion: The Reunion, a 95,000 word fantasy, tracks a lively heroine across borders and cultures both human and magical. The full manuscript is available on request; I look forward to hearing from you.

Have any thoughts about either the original(s) or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Query #6: "The Time Weaver" by Xetheriel

2011-01-25T20:05:00.000-08:00

This query is from Xetheriel for the novel The Time Weaver. Thank you Xetheriel for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

As a child, Seth sat enthralled through his fathers vivid stories of sword and sorcery. When his father vanished, it prompted five-year-old Seth to put the stories behind him and live for reality. Now he has a house, a car, a good job and a date for his thirtieth birthday. But all of that changes when a dormant gene awakens within Seth and stops the flow of time.

In an alternate universe, the kingdom of Findoor sits on the brink of war with a dark and powerful warlord determined to exact revenge on the land that banished him. Tensions build between the two factions, with skirmishes breaking out along the Findoor borders. Wizards on both sides discover a force that will spell a swift end to the war for the side that obtains it. That force is Seth.

Seth struggles to control his new-found powers while being led through a world of magic and creatures unlike anything he has ever known. Eventually Seth learns that there is more to the escalating war than just black versus white. Something darker and more ancient stirs, an evil that spans generations, and threatens to consume the fabric of space and time. Seth must overcome his own doubt and disbelief to defeat this evil, or watch both worlds get annihilated.

THE TIME WEAVER, an 80,000-word fantasy, leaves an unlikely hero in a world that is not his own, with an ability he never wanted, and fighting a war he didn't start.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

When his father vanished, five-year-old Seth put the man's vivid stories of swords and sorcery behind him. Now Seth has a house, a car, a good job and a date for his thirtieth birthday. But all of that changes when a dormant gene awakens within Seth and stops the flow of time.

In an alternate universe, wizards on both sides of a war have discovered a force that will spell an easy victory for the faction that obtains it. That force is Seth, and all they need is to steal him away like they did his father.

But holding onto a Time Weaver is not easy, and Seth escapes with his new-found powers. Finding himself in a world of magic and creatures unlike anything he has seen, Seth's struggle to stay free and control his abilities becomes critical when he learns the escalating war involves more than just warlords and vengeance.

Something dark and ancient is stirring, an evil that spans generations and threatens to consume the fabric of space and time. Seth must overcome his own insecurities and skepticism to defeat this creature, or he'll watch it annihilate both worlds.

THE TIME WEAVER, an 80,000-word fantasy, leaves an unlikely hero in a world that is not his own, with an ability he never wanted, and fighting a war he didn't start.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Re-edits for "Eyes of Stone" and "From the Neighborhood"

2011-01-24T09:35:00.001-08:00

Oops! The Goblin's Maw is emptier than I would like, so while I'm rustling up more queries, here's a re-edit of Query #2: Eyes of Stone by Beckahrah and Query #5: From the Neighborhood by Merry Monteleone.

Both writers had expressed interest in getting more feedback, so please let them know what you think!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SECOND VERSION OF "EYES OF STONE" BY BECKAHRAH:

Even living among the last of the gargoyles, Anaiiya has always believed she's human. But the day she awakens covered in blood is the day she realizes she's something else entirely. A terrible darkness lies dormant within her, waiting to be triggered. When a deranged queen attacks her beloved gargoyle tribe, Anaiiya blacks out--and awakens surrounded by dead soldiers with no memory of how it happened.

Now stone crumbles to powder at her touch and blood obeys her every command. The monster she's becoming takes her over one piece at a time, slowly filling Anaiiya with an ever-increasing lust for violence. Each day she struggles to use her newfound powers only to defend her tribe.

Instead, Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of far more dangerous creatures. Now immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers, and the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever. Anaiiya can save them--but only if the darkness within her doesn't destroy them first.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN RE-EDIT:

Even living among the last of the gargoyles, Anaiiya has always believed she's human, but when a deranged queen attacks her beloved tribe, Anaiiya blacks out--and awakens surrounded by dead soldiers. A terrible darkness has lain dormant within her, waiting to be triggered.

Now stone crumbles to powder at her touch and blood obeys her every command. The monster she's becoming takes her over slowly, filling Anaiiya with an ever-increasing lust for violence. Each day she struggles to only use her newfound powers to defend her tribe.

Instead, Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of far more dangerous creatures. Immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers, and the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever. Anaiiya can save them--but only if the darkness within her doesn't destroy them first.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SECOND VERSION OF "FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD" BY MERRY MONTELEONE:

When Jack Poverelli's uncle bails him out of jail, packs his mom off to rehab, and whisks Jack out of the neighborhood, it should have been a good thing. What sixteen year old wants to wake up in the middle of the night and make sure his mom's still breathing? But Jack doesn't belong in the gleaming halls of his new high school where everyone judges him for what he looks like, and he doesn't trust his uncle. Why would he show up now, after all these years? And why is he so interested in their house and finances?

Jack would give up clean sheets and full meals to be back with the friends who've looked out for him his whole life. Everything is pushing him into this new place--better classes, a job, a girl whose way out of his league but doesn't seem to notice. Even Jack's oldest friends are telling him to move on, that he should be trying to get out of the neighborhood, not stay in it. When his mother relapses, Jack and his friends step between her and a neighborhood drug dealer, setting off a chain of events that put them all in the crosshairs of both the dealer's cronies and the police.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN RE-EDIT OF "FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD" BY MERRY MONTELEONE:

In the gleaming halls of Jack Poverelli's new high school, his only friends are the kids who like the notoriety of hanging with a sixteen-year-old fresh out of jail.

They aren't friends who would help him scrounge for food if his mom was high, or back him up in a fight against one of her dealers, and because of that, Jack just wants to go home. Even if it means being poor; even if it means not finishing school.

Everything is pulling him into this new life--better classes, a job, a girl who is out of his league but doesn't seem to mind--even his old buddies are telling him to move on. Jack can't so much as yearn for a better life without feeling conflicted, because what is he longing for if not the tidy existence his uncle just gave him?

When his mom's relapse yanks Jack back to the old neighborhood and into a confrontation with a gang, he learns not only how far his old friends will go to defend one of their own, but how much he's willing to give up to have friends like that.

~~~~~~~

Query #5: "From the Neighborhood" by Merry Monteleone

2011-01-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

This query is from Merry Monteleone for the novel From the Neighborhood. Thank you Merry for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

For Jack Poverelli, scrounging up food is way higher on the priority list than showing up for his sophomore year Lit. class. But Jack's got friends who'll help him get by when his mom's too stoned to remember such things. When Jack gets himself arrested, it's not his lifelong buddies who bail him out.

Uncle Joe sets Jack's mom up in rehab and gets him out of the neighborhood. But Jack doesn't belong in the gleaming halls of his new high school, and he doesn't trust his uncle. Everything is pulling him into this new place--better classes, a job, a girl who should be way out of his league but doesn't seem to mind it, even his own friends are telling him to move on. Jack's ashamed to admit it but he finds himself yearning for something better. When his mother's relapse means stepping between her and a neighborhood drug dealer, Jack finds out for sure how far his friends will go for one of their own, but it also sets up a chain of events that will change their lives forever. And how the hell do you ever get home when the neighborhood you belong to no longer exists?

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

When Jack Poverelli's uncle sweeps into town, bails Jack out of jail, packs his mom off to rehab, and whisks Jack out of the neighborhood, it should have felt like a fairytale. Not needing to scrounge up food instead of going to class ought to be a good thing. Never having to depend on your buddies when mom's too stoned to remember you is a step up, right?

But Jack doesn't belong in the gleaming halls of his new high school, and he doesn't trust his uncle. Everything is pulling him into this new place--better classes, a job, a girl who should be way out of his league but doesn't seem to mind--even his old friends are telling him to move on. Jack's ashamed to admit it, but he finds himself yearning for something deeper than this clean but meaningless life.

And that's why when his mom's relapse means stepping between her and a neighborhood drug dealer, Jack doesn't hesitate. And that's when he finds out for sure how far his friends will go for one of their own, but the confrontation sets off a chain of events that will change their lives and neighborhood forever. And how the hell can Jack ever get home when the one place he belongs to no longer exists?

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Extra Note: The author is open to brainstorming a new title for this novel. If you have a suggestion, please post it!

Back for Another Massage!

2011-01-16T11:37:00.000-08:00

Beckahrah has a new version of her query up in the comments of Query #2: Eyes of Stone, and would love some additional feedback if you would care to offer a comment.

Thank you, all, for your attention and your continued input!

PS - And thank you, Beckahrah, for leaving a link to The Query Goblin on Writer's Beat. The site did get a few hits from there yesterday. I do appreciate it!

Query #4: "Hang the Thief" by Vivian

2011-01-15T12:20:00.000-08:00

This query is from Vivian for the novel Hang the Thief. Thank you Vivian for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Gates open on the world of Craie and magic, in all its forms, returns: healing magic, summoning magic, and magic that brings back the monsters of fairy tales. As governments race to master it for their own gains, the lure of wealth and power beckons others to use it for evil.

Ehlana, a street performer turned thief, is adrift in this world without purpose or hope – until she saves a court official from assassins. With her own life now at stake, Ehlana flees. On her journey, she sees for the first time how the peasants have been left to fend for themselves against the broken-beasts, criminals and social injustice. And when harpies attack her barge, she learns magic wielders are learning not only how to summon the monsters, but also how to raise the dead--abominations that are nearly invincible.

Ehlana believes she has found the life she wanted. Her flirtatious charm and performance skills earn her all that she desires: wealth, fame and even love. Her happiness is lost when she begins having nightmares of doom that drive her to seek meaning from a mysterious temple. Ehlana confirms what she already suspects; the gates must be closed. Using her unique gift to understand any language she hears or reads helps her decipher ancient scrolls that explain how. She further discovers, it will take magic to close them – and the cost of wielding such magic is the user's very soul.

Accompanied by four companions, Ehlana must complete the ritual necessary before it's too late. However, a betrayer travels with her, a demon lies in wait and the price to be paid is even greater than they know.

HANG THE THIEF is a 95,000-word fantasy written to stand-alone, but planned as the first of a three-part series. I look forward to sending you the completed manuscript.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

When magic returns to the world, all that changes for Ehlana, a street performer and thief, is she now understands every language she hears. This helps her save a court official from assassins, but also earns her the fury of his rival, and suddenly Ehlana's magical gift feels like a liability.

Fleeing her new enemy, Ehlana realizes magic is proving a curse everywhere. Governments scrabble for it to cement their power, and criminals summon monsters and raise the dead to bludgeon their way to wealth. Those who have no magic struggle to survive amid lawlessness and a decaying social order.

At first, Ehlana tries to ignore the suffering and rebuild her life. Flirtatious charm and her performance skills earn her money, fame--even love--but her ability to understand anyone has apparently left her open to the pleas of otherworldly beings too. Nightmares drive Ehlana to break into a temple, and her gift for language lets her decipher the set of ancient scrolls she finds there.

Now Ehlana is the only person who knows why magic has returned and how to stop it, but the cost, if she wants to halt her world's slide into chaos, is Ehlana's soul--a harsh price for a thief who just wanted a simple life.

HANG THE THIEF, a complete 95,000 word stand-alone fantasy, is the first book of a planned trilogy. I look forward to hearing from you.

Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Query #3: "Redemption" by Amy

2011-01-14T23:59:00.000-08:00

This query is from Amy for the novel Redemption. Thank you Amy for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

BANE THOMAS knows a thing or two about demons; in fact, as soon as they succeed in killing him, he'll become one. Which is why an Armistice Zone, an area of land where demons can do no harm, would be a god send, and rumor has it twenty-year-old REIGHLYN ANDERSON has such a zone somewhere on her property. The problem is--she's not selling!

Bane finances Reighlyn's crisis center in hopes to persuade her to sell, but instead falls in love with her. After Reighlyn witnesses what can only be explained as reading minds, manipulating thoughts, and super human powers, its clear there's something different about Bane, but she doesn't care; she's in love with him. That is--until she discovers he's the capitalist pig after her land and throws him out on his ass, love or not.

In an attempt to explain his deceit, Bane reveals a secret he's never told anyone; he's a descendant of The Watchers. But with that truth come dangers, and soon a punished demon arrives, determined to use Reighlyn's death as a means to gain Satan's forgiveness. And after a successful kidnapping, Bane's in a race against time and a battle against evil to rescue the one person he never thought could literally exist--his soul mate.

REDEMPTION is a complete 93,000-word Paranormal Romance. At your request, I'd be happy to provide sample chapters and a more detailed synopsis. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

If the demons kill Bane Thomas, he'll become one of them, and that's why he needs control of the Armistice Zone, a place where demons lose their power. Unfortunately, Reighlyn Anderson owns that land, and she isn't selling it to a capitalist pig like Bane.

Hoping to pressure the young woman, Bane bankrolls the crisis center Reighlyn runs, but he soon finds himself more interested in romance than finance. Reighlyn buckles to their attraction too, despite her growing suspicion that Bane can read minds and manipulate thought. But while super-human powers aren't enough to derail their passion, dishonesty is. Reighlyn discovers Bane is the jerk after her land, and she throws him out on his ass, love or not.

Realizing Reighlyn is not just a way to save his soul, but the love of his life too, Bane comes clean about his otherworldly ancestry. However, this secret proves too dangerous to reveal outside the Armistice Zone, and a demon kidnaps Reighlyn in hope of snaring Bane and earning Satan's reward. Bane realizes he must stop running and face the demons if he wants to rescue the one person he never knew existed--his soul-mate.

Redemption is a complete 93,000 word paranormal romance. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.

Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion!

Query #2: "Eyes of Stone" by Beckahrah

2011-01-12T21:35:00.000-08:00

This query is from Beckahrah for the novel Eyes of Stone. Thank you Beckahrah for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Anaiiya's always known she's human. Even living among the last of the gargoyles, the certain knowledge of who and what she is has always been with her. But when a deranged queen who sees only traitors in every non-human species launches an attack on the gargoyle tribe, Anaiiya discovers a dark truth: There's a monster inside her waiting for the right trigger to free itself. Seeing her family assaulted, she blacks out--and awakens covered in the blood of thirty men, with no memory of how it happened.

Now the river boils when she sings and drops of blood show her visions only she can see. The monster within, the thing she's becoming, overwhelms her with a bloodthirsty darkness that demands to be sated. She fights against it and turns her newfound powers to defending her beloved tribe.

But Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of far more dangerous creatures than a mad queen and her militant army. Using the gargoyles as pawns, immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers. Because of Anaiiya, the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever and only she can save them--if the darkness growing like a cancer within her soul doesn't destroy them first.

EYES OF STONE is a 109,000 fantasy.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Even living among the last of the gargoyles, Anaiiya has always known she's human. It's what she didn't know that may destroy her. When a deranged queen attacks the gargoyle tribe, Anaiiya blacks out--and awakens drenched in the blood of thirty men.

Now the river boils when she sings and drops of blood show her visions. The monster she is becoming overwhelms Anaiiya with a lust for violence, but all she wants is to use her newfound powers to defend her tribe.

Instead, Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of more dangerous creatures. Immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers, and the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever. Anaiiya can save them--but only if the darkness growing like a cancer within her doesn't destroy them first.

EYES OF STONE is a 109,000 word fantasy.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion!

Query #1 - "Air Pirates" by Adam Heine

2011-01-10T20:23:00.000-08:00

This query is from Adam Heine for his novel Air Pirates. Thank you Adam for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

For Hagai's 17th birthday, he receives a stone that gives him visions of the future. His mother sent it, but he can't figure out how, since she was killed almost ten years ago. Hagai's not exactly a hero -- the bravest thing he's ever done is put peppers in his stew -- yet when the stone shows his mother alive and in danger, he sets out to find her.

Air pirates and sky sailors come after him, and it's not long before a wanted sky'ler named Sam nicks the stone. Unable to find his mother without it, Hagai tracks Sam down and demands it back -- politely, of course, because Sam's got a knife.

Oddly, Sam offers him a job.

Sam needs someone non-threatening to get some information, and he figures Hagai is as non-threatening as they come. Hagai resents that but agrees, intending to turn Sam in at the first opportunity. But when a seer says Sam is the key to finding his mother, Hagai must choose between his mother and the law.

So in spite of himself, Hagai becomes crew to a fugitive, on the run from both pirates and police, toward some island he's never heard of. He doesn't trust Sam, and the stone haunts Hagai with visions of his own death. Nonetheless, he's determined to change the future and find his mother, if it's not already too late.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

For his 17th birthday, Hagai receives from his mother a stone that gives visions. The thing is, Hagai thought his mother was killed ten years ago.

The bravest thing Hagai's ever done is put peppers in his stew -- yet when the stone shows his mother alive and in danger, he sets out to find her. Drawn by [some attribute of the stone], sky sailors come after him, and it's not long before a wanted air pirate named Sam nicks the stone. Hagai tracks Sam down and demands it back -- politely, of course; Sam's got a knife. Instead, Sam offers him a job.

Sam needs someone non-threatening to get some information, and Hagai is as non-threatening as they come. Hagai agrees, intending to turn Sam in at the first opportunity, but when a seer says Sam is the key to finding Hagai's mother, the boy must choose his mother's life above the law.

On the run from both pirates and police, and headed toward some island he's never heard of, Hagai finds he doesn't trust Sam -- but this doesn't bother him half as much as the stone's latest visions.

According to them, if Hagai doesn't find a way to change the future, it's not only his mother who will die. It'll be Hagai too.

Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion!

Welcome to The Query Goblin

2011-01-09T11:11:00.000-08:00

Hi. I will edit your novel's query letter. I'm masochistic like that.

I'm a writer with no particular qualifications beyond a willingness to do this. However, as all writers know, when you're gnawing your knucklebones in cross-eyed desperation trying to make that damned query letter sing, sometimes even the misguided biases of some random internet dweeb are helpful.

And this dweeb is here for you, baby. Smooch, smooch.

I can't promise the re-written query will be better, or that it will help snag you offers (or even that I'll get around to it), but it will be an edit given by a relatively objective stranger.

And, it will be offered without comment. Without judgement.

Critiquing necessarily focuses on the negative, and in my own oddball way, I'm trying to offer writers some positivity instead. Things that your query does well, I'll try to preserve; things that could be improved, I'll try to polish. Instead of saying what you did wrong, I will mutely try to make it better.

Then it's up to you to take away whatever lessons you can from the experience.

I will only discuss the quality of your original query in the comments section, as may other people. If you really, absolutely don't want to read anything negative about your work, then please avoid the comments section, although I promise to keep my own words tactful and to turf anyone who is simply being mean or non-constructive.

The fine print:

If you post your query letter, you are giving me permission to reprint it and to hack, slash, sleekify, re-structure, disembowel, edit, and rewrite it on this blog.
If you post your query letter, you accept that I'm promising you nothing in return. Nothing. I have good intentions, but there's no contract between us, okay?
Yes, you can back out. If your feet feel icy, and dread is making a chew-toy your heart, please leave a comment in The Goblin's Maw and tell me you want your query removed from consideration.

The comments for this post--i.e. this one; you're reading it--have been turned off. Here's what you do if you want to:

Post a query to be edited/re-written:
Go to THE GOBLIN'S MAW and post the text of your query letter in the comments. Anonymous commenting is on; your shyness has been enabled.

Learn more about the Query Goblin blog:
Go to COMMON QUESTIONS ANSWERED and read a bit.

Ask a question or leave a tirade:
Go to the OPEN QUESTION/SUGGESTION FORUM and post a comment.

The Goblin's Maw

2011-01-09T10:01:00.000-08:00

This is the post where you can submit your novel's query letter for editing/re-writing by the Query Goblin.

Please remove ALL identifying information from the query first, i.e. delete your name, your address, etc.

Also, please delete your paragraph of writing credits and achievements. They only serve to identify you, and on the internet, that's just not safe.

Please remove the salutation and any personalization that identifies a particular editor or literary agent. I'm more interested in working on your blurb.

POST THE REMAINING TEXT OF YOUR NOVEL'S QUERY LETTER IN THE COMMENTS SECTION OF THIS POST

(You do that by clicking the little "comments" link at the bottom of this post.)

Anonymous commenting is on; your shyness has been enabled. There's a radio button below the commenting form that allows you to post without a name.

After your query has been edited and posted, I'll delete it from here.

Common Questions Answered

2011-01-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

Can I steal and use your edited/re-written version of my query? Like, send it to agents and stuff?
Yeah, totally; I don't give a flaming doggiebar.

Should I?
No.

Look, you need to learn to write strong query letters yourself, plus you want your own writing style to shine through them. That said, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think the process might help a person learn these skills. Concrete examples are useful.

To paraphrase the words of one of Terry Pratchett's characters, the difference between doing something the hard way and doing it the easy way is that doing it the hard way works. If you view this site as another way to acid-test your query before you send it out, then you're growing your skill set as a writer.

If you view it as a way to avoid query-writing altogether, then you're shooting yourself in the foot, and that's why I don't care if you do it. It's your foot. You should know by now that laziness won't help you succeed.

Can I submit a revised query for you to edit/re-write again?
Er--yes, but I'm less likely to do it. Part of the reason I'm tackling query letters is they're short and this facilitates my nanometre-length attention span.

If you come up with a great new way to describe your story, that's awesome, but I don't necessarily want to see it, because hey--I've done this one before.

Or, to put it in the elegantly succinct words of Evil Willow, "Bored now."

What the hell criteria do you use to write a query letter, anyway?
I roughly follow literary agent Kristin Nelson's good advice, which is to focus on the story's inciting incident and then add a few of the complications that increase the stakes/deepen the mystery/blow our wee minds.

I also really like literary agent Janet Reid's advice to outline who the protagonist is, what they want, what stops them from getting that, and what's going to happen if they don't succeed.

Don't you think this is all pretty arrogant? Who says you know how to entice agents/editors?
1) It's arrogant for me to re-write someone else's words, period. Their instincts for what's important in a story are always going to be better than mine, and it should be their writing style, not mine, that shines through the query letter.

All I'm attempting to do is present an outsider's view of what is or isn't working in a particular query. We all get too close to our work sometimes, and this might be helpful to some writers.

2) It's also arrogant to act like I know better than the next Grade A Nobody what will entice literary agents or editors. Good thing I never claimed I did.

All that the query writers who submit here get is some free editing and a random person's opinion. What they take away from the experience is up to them. Just like other forms of online critique, n'est pas?

Who are you, you masochistic jackhole?
The evil id of this person.

Why are you doing this, you masochistic jackhole?
001) I find it fun.
010) I enjoy writers blogs that are active, and I'm hoping the comment section of this blog will grow active.
011) I will learn a lot about writing query letters.
100) Maybe it will help someone.

Can I ask you a question that isn't answered here?
Yes. I'd prefer you did it on this post, which is an open question/suggestion thread.

Open Question and Suggestion Forum

2011-01-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

This post is a place for you to ask questions or post tirades. Enjoy!

Rules of Conduct

2011-01-09T07:00:00.000-08:00

This is not a democracy. It's a benevolent dictatorship. I'm the dictator. Hi.

In general, I ascribe to the "Bigger Asshole" Code of Conduct, which states that on my blog, no one gets to be a bigger asshole than me, where the terms "bigger" and "asshole" are defined exclusively by me.

And I'm not that bad, really, so play nice.

I ask my commenters to be supportive, respectful, and to offer constructive criticism only.

I find snarkiness as amusing as the next person, but when it comes to teaching/learning situations, snark is just laziness hiding under an inferiority complex, so push yourself harder: What was done right? What could make it better? Give your comments some weight, not just an edge.

I'm allergic to aggressive marketing. Spam gets deleted, obviously, but I also delete those blandly insipid, one-line comments that end with a link back to the poster's own website. YEAH, LIKE WE DIDN'T SEE THROUGH THAT ONE. NUH-UH; NOT AT ALL.

If you want to self-pimp something to your friends here, go ahead, but use a light touch. If it smells at all like you see us as fish in a barrel, then your comments will evaporate.

I also tend to delete comments that serve to derail the discussion unless it looks like everyone is having fun. Silliness doesn't bother me; debate doesn't bother me. Arguments do.