This query is from Newmancht for the novel The Anasazi Conspiracy. Thank you Newmancht for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
Jake’s plan never included rescuing a beautiful archeologist from the evil man he was hired to kill. He certainly didn’t expect to be double-crossed by his shadowy employer either. In a malevolent twist of fate, the lives of two disparate souls are united in a race against time to decipher the mystery of an ancient people and stop the enemy determined to kill them.
THE ANASAZI CONSPIRACY is a Historical Adventure, weaving a rich tapestry of the enigmatic Chama clan into the fabric of a contemporary mission to steal the discovery of a fantastic archeological find. In 1607 BC, brothers Maska and Ahote make a curious discovery inside a cave on their hunting trip, but the prize they bring home quickly propels their hidden society into chaos and leaves a baffling legacy behind.
Their legacy first comes to light after a horrific train crash in the open, wild country of 1867. When the train engineer survives, badly wounded and delirious, he stumbles across an ancient relic while desperately searching for help. But soon Stanley collapses from his injuries, the secret almost dying with him again. His destiny is sealed when rescued by a merciful Jemez tribe, eventually recovering yet unable to recall the location of this incredible find. His failed search for the lost cavern promising untold riches influences the fate of his descendants, compelling them to honor the clandestine promise he made long ago.
Flash forward to the present, when powerful corporate magnate, Robert Bradley, underestimates his hired gun and the success of a malicious business scheme, the players in this deadly game are plunged into a race against time and bullets. Jake’s endeavor to stop the ruthless adversary pursuing them reveals a brilliant ally in Dr. Courtney Kirkland as she deftly works to unravel the elusive Anasazi petroglyphs. To fail means the loss of a magnificent culture - and death.
But Jake and Courtney never anticipated the playful banter…the intense looks…or fiery passions escalating as they grapple with the coded symbols linking this diverse cast through thousands of years of mystery, deception and greed. Culminating in an explosive finale, they succeed in unearthing a chronicle that will change Anasazi history forever.
The Author is a happily married father of four monsters, ‘er, boys and a history buff. This is my first novel and is a complete work available for review. Thank you for your consideration.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
In 1607 B.C., two brothers from the Chama clan of [modern area's name] discovered a [specific item] while on a hunting trip, and the chaos provoked by that find changed their society forever.
In 1867 A.D., a train engineer staggered from a horrific crash in search of help and instead found evidence of the clan's baffling legacy. When his injuries prevented him finding the site again, he passed the knowledge of its existence to his family.
Today, hired gun Jake [last name] is scrambling to protect Dr. Courtney Kirkland from his double-crossing ex-employer, who wants to pillage the fantastic archeological site Courtney is on the brink of locating.
More is at stake than the loss of a magnificent culture, however. Jake's ex-boss believes he can only get away with stealing the site's riches if everyone who knows about the place is dead. As Courtney struggles to unravel petroglyphs and unearth a chronicle that will change the world's understanding of Anasazi history, Jake must fight to keep thousands of years of mystery, deception and greed from ending in a double murder.
THE ANASAZI CONSPIRACY is a complete [word count, rounded to the nearest 1,000] word adventure novel steeped in one of my personal passions: history. Thank you for your consideration.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
What I thought was done well:
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like such a fun story! Also, the writing here is exuberant and well-crafted, and based on this, I'm sure your book is a great read.
I also really liked the fact you introduced the genre in the second paragraph. I always put it in the last paragraph, but hooking the reader's interest with your first paragraph, then grounding them with the basic information about what type of book you're describing in the second, is also a really great way of structuring a query.
What I thought could be improved:
This is good news as well, because most of my issues with the original query are minor "house-keeping" ones--the sort of things literary agents moan about in their blogs, but which aren't really deal-breakers. At worst, these issues would make you look naive about querying.
1) You should list your word count (rounded to the nearest 1,000 words) as well as the genre.
2) The book's genre needs to be the slot in the bookstore where your book would be shelved. In this sense, "Historical Adventure" is not a proper genre, even though it's an accurate description for your book.
For this reason, I called it an "adventure novel", although "thriller" might also work. Note that "historical thriller" would not be appropriate, because that implies the novel takes place only in the past, which isn't true here.
3) A query letter should fit on one page when typed in 12 pt font with 1 inch margins. The original query letter looks too long, which is why I shaved out so many (very interesting) elements of the plot.
4) There is a lack of specificity about the plot. For example, we know Maska and Ahote found something, but we don't know what. We know Stanley sees a relic, but that's all we know. We know Jake was hired to kill someone, but we don't know who or why, and so on.
It's not a good idea to omit these things as a way to pique the reader's curiosity, because the technique instead leaves them frustrated about what the book is about.
Instead, be specific about the plot's setup and omit its resolution. That way, the reader has a good handle on what's going on, yet they're still left wanting to know more.
What I think remains to be improved in the edited query:
Usually, in a book that has substantial backstory, as this one has, I focus entirely on the story going on in the present day. I didn't do that here (i.e. I included those first two paragraphs) because I'm a bit unclear on all the present day details.
What I'd prefer is to know why Robert Bradley hired Jake to kill someone, what happened that forced Jake to change his mind, and how Jake ended up allied with Courtney. That's the stuff I'd rather the query focused on. The backstory could just be mentioned, as required, to flesh out that (really engaging-sounding) present-day story.
Argh. Blogger just ate my lengthy comment. :(
ReplyDeleteThe highlights:
Another way to think about query length is stick to < 250 words. Some agencies even have online query forms that force you to do it.
I don't really see a need for the 19th century stuff at all. They are important in the story for how we got from the 17th century BC events to the present, but aren't necessary for the query.
Thanks for the helpful review.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, I actually have a "short" version omitting the 19th century paragraph. Sounds like the better one to modify based on your suggestions.
Admittedly, I intentionally left off the word count since this is a pretty big MS at 164K words (still trying to pare it down further though). With 2 historical timelines and their attendant MC's and subplots all interconnected with what's happening in the present, there's a LOT happening in this book. I've seen suggestions on other query sites recommending omitting it to avoid getting an automatic reject from agents assuming the MS was loaded with needless blabber. But still others indicate its a sign of a real newbie. A little confusing...
My initial goal was to write in more of a teaser style, providing mostly the voice/pace of the book with enough the general plot/conflicts/consequences to persuade the agent to want more. Then, let the full synopsis do the explaining. Sounds like this result was a little too vague though.
As for straddling genres, that was intentional and I'm not really sure which direction to go with this due to the fact that this MS is about in the middle of these two as you can get. Roughly half of the book takes place in the past while the reader is led back and forth as the subplots merge toward the middle (linking the timeline events up) and then its a race to the finish in the present. Based on this, would you still recommend sticking with adventure, for example? Also, you are correct that this could plop into the thriller genre with the ever increasing action and pace, but it seems to me to lean more heavily toward either historical or adventure (or the mix, as before).
Again, I really appreciate the informative review. I'll send along a revised Query soon if that's ok. See if I can tune this up a little more.
Newmancht: Ooh, that is a big book. It may indeed be wise to omit the word count.
ReplyDeleteBooks that large need sewn bindings, not just glue bindings, and this makes publishing the book more expensive--which in turn makes it harder for the publishing company to make a profit, particularly for a debut writer.
That said, historicals are one of a very few genres where publishers do accept larger books. If your novel is equally split between the past and the present, then you might use this to your advantage.
Maybe the way to handle this is to say, "The Anasazi Conspiracy combines two storylines and straddles the historical and adventure genres." That way, you're warning the agent/editor that the book is complex, and at the same time giving them a more accurate idea of what your book is.
I think it wise to keep the query as a teaser, and let the synopsis (or better yet, the book) explain the story arc. 250 words just isn't enough space to summarize a well-plotted novel.
To my mind, the query letter is only to convince the agent/editor that your book is, at least superficially, something they might enjoy. That said, no matter how good the query is, they're going to make their final decision based on the book itself.