This query is from J. A. Beard for the novel Osland. Thank you J. A. Beard for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
Still grieving over the loss of her parents, Gail Dorjee is less than pleased at being shipped off by her uncle to Osland Academy, an elite Seattle boarding school. The smart-mouthed Kansas teen is unimpressed by her new school, its vicious cliques, and uptight teachers. Those problems pale in comparison to an even more bizarre horror--a strange inability to cuss. The startling revelation she possesses the power to control water and her suddenly PG rated-mouth make Gail suspect Osland is more a magical prison than a school.
Now trapped in an emerald ivy-covered jail run by a mysterious principal no one ever sees, Gail must ally with an airhead, a coward, and a cold-hearted boy to challenge the dangerous teachers threatening her life, freedom, and her ability to say a spicy word or two. She must seek out the hidden Principal Osland before Seattle, her friends and even her soul, are destroyed. She'll need more than a bucket of water when she reaches the end of this yellow brick road.
My young adult urban fantasy novel, OSLAND, is complete at 70,000 words. It is a modern re-imagining of the Wonderful Wizard of Oz that should appeal to fans of the works of Richelle Mead, Claudia Gray, and P.C. Cast.
Thank you for your consideration.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
Gail Dorjee, a smart-mouthed Kansas teen, isn't impressed with Osland Academy, the elite Seattle boarding school her uncle just shipped her to. However, the academy's vicious cliques and uptight teachers aren't half as bizarre as Gail's new problem--an inability to cuss. Her suddenly PG rated-mouth, and the startling revelation she possesses the power to control water, make Gail suspect Osland is more a magical prison than a school.
Now trapped in a jail sheathed by emerald ivy, Gail allies with an airhead, a wuss, and a cold-hearted jerk to find the mysterious principal Osland, whom no one ever sees. As Gail challenges the menacing teachers who threaten her freedom and her ability to say a spicy word or two, she discovers a plot that could destroy not only her friends, but her soul, and even Seattle. Miss Dorjee will need more than a bucket of water when she reaches the end of this yellow brick road.
OSLAND, a 70,000 word young adult urban fantasy, is a re-imagining of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. It will appeal to fans of the works of Richelle Mead, Claudia Gray, and P.C. Cast. Thank you for your consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
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What I thought was done well:
ReplyDeleteThis is an exceptionally strong query! It really didn't need much rewriting beyond some streamlining which wasn't even that important. The parallels with the Oz tales are cute and cleverly worded, the writing is very strong, and the whole query is well-structured and sassy.
What I thought could be improved:
That said, I didn't spot the similarities to Oz the first time I read the query, which made the mentions of emerald ivy and the yellow brick road seem to come out of left field. The only cure for that is to try to make the parallels stronger. In the edited version, I tried to do that, but only a fresh pair of eyes can say whether I succeeded. Blog commenters--what do you think? Does this wording work? Does it need to be improved further?
What I think remains to be improved in the edited query:
I would like more detail on what the main crisis actually is. I really like the smart way this query parallels the Oz tales, but it would be stronger if it outlined what OSLAND's own plot is in greater detail. Just a little more specificity at the end of the second paragraph could really make this query sing.
And once again, I thought this was a particularly strong query, as is. The author would be completely justified if s/he ignored my version entirely. :-)
This sounds like a fun, original and clever read! I like the way the second version highlights the OZness of it all. I didn't really get the references he first time around.
ReplyDeleteI think the second version does highlight the OZness more, which is something I've been having a lot of trouble with.
ReplyDeleteI get where you're coming from with the crisis thing.
It might be as simple as editing the "she discovers a plot that could destroy not only her friends, but her soul, and even Seattle." to "she discovers a plot to disrupt a magical rift underneath the school that could destroy not only her friends, but her soul, and even Seattle."
That's a bit misleading in a way since the threat to her soul comes from the bad gal in this trying to get her to join her, but a little slight misrepresentation in a query never hurt anyone (I think).
I'll have to think about that one.
Thanks for your help.
J. A. Beard: I agree with your suggested alteration; I think that would help clarify the true danger and thereby alleviate my concerns.
ReplyDeleteAnd slight misrepresentations of the plot like that won't hurt you--when the agent/editor reads the manuscript, they're not going to remember the exact wording of the query letter, and they'd be foolish to reject a good book on the basis of a "fudge" that small, regardless.
Best of luck with it! It really does sound like a fun book.
Without the bit about her parents dying, the mention of her uncle feels like a dangling thread. I immediately wondered why he was the person shipping her off to a boarding school. I think removing the reference was a good decision--it moved the query straight to the heroine's problem. But now the uncle is as distracting as that dangling participle at the end of the sentence (sorry, line editor here).
ReplyDeleteDeb: Good call! Maybe the query could use the word "family" instead of "uncle", to avoid that dangling thread?
ReplyDeleteHrmm. Maybe something like:
ReplyDelete'Gail Dorjee, a smart-mouthed Kansas teen, isn't happy with being shipped off to Osland Academy, an elite Seattle boarding school.'
Eliminates the dangling thread and the dangling participle. It seems like the reference to her not being impressed might not be necessary in that line given that the next line makes her disdain for the school clear.
It vaguely feels like it has a bit less voice than the existing line, but it's hard to tell.