This query is from an anonymous author for the novel Enoch's Device. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
997 A.D. When a bishop arrives at an Irish monastery to accuse a senior monk of sorcery, Brother Ciaran, a resourceful scribe with a keen mind, learns the man who raised him like a father may burn at the stake. And if the accused is not put to death, the bishop warns, the souls of everyone in the monastery will be in peril as the End Times approach, one thousand years after the birth of Christ.
At first, Ciaran believes his mentor, Brother Donall, is innocent, but Ciaran’s faith is shaken when he discovers a book of forbidden magic in Donall’s cell. Donall insists the book is not evil, but records the secrets of the Fae, angels banished to earth in Antediluvian times. The bishop has come for the book as well because of the reference it contains to Enoch’s Device, an angelic weapon with the power to prevent the impending Apocalypse. Convinced mankind must suffer for its sins, the bishop is determined to ensure that whoever knows of the device ends up dead.
Ciaran chooses his faith in Donall over fears of heresy and helps him escape to find Enoch’s Device, which has left clues throughout history, from the fall of Atlantis to the Holy Roman Empire of Charlemagne. Aided by supernatural forces, the bishop and his men pursue the two monks, who must race from Ireland to Moorish Spain to unravel the mysteries surrounding the device and its location. But time is running out, and if Ciaran and Donall don’t find the device soon, everything they love could perish with the End of Days.
ENOCH’S DEVICE is a historical fantasy novel, complete at 122,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Stephen R. Lawhead, as well as fans of fiction based on Enochian myth, such as Danielle Trussoni’s ANGELOLOGY.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
A bishop arrives at an Irish monastery in 997 A.D. to accuse a senior monk of sorcery and warn that if the accused is not burned at the stake, the souls of everyone in the monastery will be in peril as the End Times approach, one thousand years after the birth of Christ.
Brother Ciaran believes his mentor Brother Donall is innocent, but Ciaran's faith is shaken when he discovers a book of magic in Donall’s cell. Donall insists the book is not evil, but records the secrets of the Fae, angels banished to earth in Antediluvian times. The book contains a reference to Enoch’s Device, an angelic weapon that can prevent the impending Apocalypse. The bishop, who is convinced mankind must suffer for its sins, wants everyone who knows of this device dead.
Ciaran chooses his faith in Donall over his fears of heresy and helps his mentor to escape. The bishop and his men, aided by supernatural forces, pursue the two monks, who must race from Ireland to Moorish Spain to unravel the mysteries surrounding the device and its location. But the End of Days approaches, and if Ciaran and Donall don’t find the device soon, the world and everything they love in it will perish.
ENOCH’S DEVICE is a historical fantasy novel, complete at 122,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Stephen R. Lawhead, as well as fans of fiction based on Enochian myth, such as Danielle Trussoni’s ANGELOLOGY. Thank you for your time and consideration.
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What I thought was done well:
ReplyDeleteThis query takes a complex plot and not only makes it clear and engaging, but also escalates the stakes perfectly and is very nicely written besides.
Given this is an involved, intellectual plot, I don't think you can get away from having an information-dense query letter, and given how much you needed to say here, I think you did an excellent job of keeping it clear and making it read smoothly.
What I thought could be improved:
It's a bit dry, and a bit too long. I've tried to cut out superfluous words and phrases, which should help both problems, since a quick-reading query will seem more exciting.
What I think remains to be improved in the edited query:
The query still seems a bit dry to me, but as I mentioned above, I don't think you can avoid a more academic tone for describing this plot, so I think this structure works well. I'm not sure what could be done to zip things up. Perhaps other commenters will have some suggestions?
Best of luck with it; this sounds like a strong story with a refreshing and unique premise.
Thanks so much for the edits -- and doing them so quickly! The re-write was great and your suggestions were very helpful. Also, thank you for offering such a wonderful service to the writing community. I truly appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteI also would love any other comments or suggestions folks may have.