Today, YOU are the Query Goblin!
The Goblin's alter ego, J. J. DeBenedictis, will be querying a novel soon, titled The Blooddrinker and the War Angel, and she'd very much appreciate your help in crafting a strong query letter. Please say, in the comment section, what you think could be improved in the following query--and thank you in advance for your willingness to help!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
On a planet once knocked from the space age to the stone age by war angels—humanity's most lethal and ungrateful inventions—genetic engineering has split the population into two species and an attempt at genocide is about to split it into three.
As a doctor and a pacifist, Wykham devotes his life to helping others, but when he tries to save a suicidal woman, he ends up infected with her 'blooddrinker' disease. Now only able to eat human flesh, Wykham believes killing himself the sole moral option, but before he can, a group determined to keep him alive kidnaps Wykham.
Baffled why anyone would provide charity to cannibals, Wykham soon learns the 'minority humans' who captured him used the remains of their ancestor’s technology to create the blooddrinker disease. Their virus only infects 'majority humans', and they intend to use it to eliminate that rival population.
Furious his life was destroyed so he could be turned into a weapon, Wykham tries to escape but is caught, chained, and left to starve in the sub-basements of his captors’ citadel. There, however, he discovers the minority humans’ most dangerous secret: They use a captured war angel to power their technology.
Wykham, with his freakish blooddrinker strength, is a match for the dying war angel, and they decide to team up long enough to escape. Once free, however, the war angel rampages through the minority humans’ home seeking vengeance—and more. Instead of fleeing the planet, as Wykham hoped, the war angel intends to become a god over it.
With humanity’s worst nightmare returned, and everybody he loves facing slavery, Wykham must put aside his self-loathing and scruples to accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.
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YOUR-EDIT
Please tell me your thoughts in the comments, and thank you in advance to all who donate their time and expertise to helping me improve this query. I very much appreciate it!
ETA: New version now up in the comments!
ETA the second: An even newer version now up in the comments!
ETA the third: Is the third time the charm? In the comments, you can tell me!
What I thought could be improved:
ReplyDeleteHeh. Well, it's long for one thing--about 300 words instead of the 250 that is a better target. If you can give any suggestions for what and where to trim, or even tactics for how to re-write it entirely such that it could made shorter, I'd very much appreciate it.
It's also, to my mind, a bit dry. I think that's due to the fact there's just a lot of ground to cover and I'm focusing on plot developments instead of emotional crises. Again, can you spot any places where I could add more zip, zing or emotional weight?
Hi Jen! Sounds like an intriguing story! Here are my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOn a planet once knocked from the space age to the stone age by war angels—humanity's most lethal and ungrateful inventions—genetic engineering has split the population into two species and an attempt at genocide is about to split it into three.
>>> This is an intriguing premise, but it's a lot of information to pack into one sentence, and maybe disorienting to new reader. Consider taking out some details that are not completely necessary, or that can be introduced later. Perhaps the war Angels could be taken out. It's not quite enough to give me a clear idea of what they are.
As a doctor and a pacifist, Wykham devotes his life to helping others, but when he tries to save a suicidal woman, he ends up infected with her 'blooddrinker' disease.
>>> The sentence structure of this one is very similar to the previous.Disrupts the rhythm a bit.
Now only able to eat human flesh, Wykham believes killing himself the sole moral option, but before he can, a group determined to keep him alive kidnaps Wykham.
>>>" Believes killing himself the sole moral option" sounds dry and passive. Can you liven it up?
Baffled why anyone would provide charity to cannibals,
>>>Cut
Wykham soon learns the 'minority humans' who captured him used the remains of their ancestor’s technology to create the blooddrinker disease. Their virus only infects 'majority humans', and they intend to use it to eliminate that rival population.
>>> Part about technology being from ancestors can be cut
Furious his life was destroyed so he could be turned into a weapon, Wykham tries to escape but is caught, chained, and left to starve in the sub-basements of his captors’ citadel.
>>> cut or condense.
There, however, he discovers the minority humans’ most dangerous secret: They use a captured war angel to power their technology.
>>> This is key. Emphasize and expand.
Wykham, with his freakish blooddrinker strength, is a match for the dying war angel, and they decide to team up long enough to escape. Once free, however, the war angel rampages through the minority humans’ home seeking vengeance—and more. Instead of fleeing the planet, as Wykham hoped, the war angel intends to become a god over it.
With humanity’s worst nightmare returned, and
everybody he loves facing slavery, Wykham must put aside his self-loathing and scruples to accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.
>>> These two paragraphs seem like the crux of the story. The stuff before this is mostly setup.
>>>Hope this helps!
Yeah, so in terms of cutting and condensing, I'd try focusing on the last two paragraphs and cutting as much as you can of the stuff before. Sounds very cool. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI think this is more of a synopsis than a query. It sounds interesting but I wasn't really interested until the very last two paragraphs to be honest. Also an explanation of what a war angel is or at least more of a hint. At first I envision machines but then it seems they are actually being? The first paragraph was very confusing and I wasn't sure if war angels were humanities most ungrateful invention or the genetic engineering.
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph highlights what sounds like the real conflict and is what I'd play up. Give us less specific detail and more of a teaser to make us want to read it rather than telling us exactly what happens and giving us no reason to ask for more. I would be interested based just on the last little bit but you need to give us a short paragraph to tell us how we got there.... such as kidnapped and held captive by genetically altered faction of humanity, Wykham discovers their treacherous plan to wipe out the rest of humanity with a disease, one they've infected him with. He's also discovered the secret to their power. Then go into that secret a little and end with the last paragraph. Or something along those lines. Just my quick thoughts. :D
Good luck on your query and querying. The story sounds really interesting!
So... I'm interested. I like the pacifist/doctor turned flesh eating monster. This angle is unique to me.
ReplyDeleteI will say this the first paragraph throws me off. I think your story starts in paragraph 2. I get the reason for mentioning the war angels, but there may be a way to mention it later when you discuss Wykham's imprisonment. The other question I have is how is the human race now 2 species becoming three... do you mean the blooddrinker virus will create a new split? I guess what I'm trying to say is that last part of the sentence leaves things to assumption which I wouldn't recommend doing.
Paragraph 2, the last sentence maybe break into 2 sentences and describe who the kidnapping group is.
Example: Now only able to eat human flesh, Wykham feels suicide is the sole moral option. Before he can execute his beheading, a group of political bent molesters kidnap him. *you have better than what I got*
Paragraph's 3 &4 where you discuss Wykham's imprisonment/discovery of virus creation/and the miniorties secret. This can be combined I think, cut some of the excess words there and make it a little more exciting.
Paragraph 5 first sentence: What is the implication with Wykham's strength being a match for the War Angel. Here describe the War Angel's maybe, one sentence and then the team up.
Last paragraph: I like pretty much the way it is, but I had a question the disease and the point in which you say everyone Wykham loves is facing slavery... the disease doesn't ruin his thinking abilities? So emotions like love still rule out over the flesh lust?? You might touch on that inner struggle just a bit for the emotional weight.
The best I got for now. Others will probably have more insight. Hope this helps.
You know I'm a real amateur so all I can give you is my reaction to this. It sounds like a great story but it's far too much to take in all at once! I think you've lost sight of the purpose of a query letter - it's not to tell the story, it's simply to get an agent to ask to see more. So what do you need for that?
ReplyDeleteThere were a lot of things I didn't understand but I won't point up all of them - the main thing is to create a query that doesn't raise questions that aren't answered.
Wykham is a doctor and a pacifist so when he contracts the disease that turns him into a cannibal suicide seems like the only option. Then he is kidnapped by members of a minority race of humans and finds out that they have engineered the cannibal disease to eliminate all other humans.
Wykham is locked in a basement for future use as a weapon and finds himself with a war angel: an AI used to do [whatever]. They team up to escape but once they do, the war angel has plans of its own.
Can Wykham prevent the war angel from taking over the world? And if he does, will there be anything left for him to live for?
This isn't as well-written as what you've got but I think it's nearer to the right level of detail. (It would have been better if I'd had the wine afterwards!)
Anyway, I hope it helps and I look forward to reading the story.
Oh, wow, guys! These suggestions are just awesome! Thank you all; this is exactly the kind of feedback I need. :)
ReplyDeleteFor me, the last two paragraphs were great. I think that's your story. The rest of it felt like a lot of build-up and world-building to me--not bad at all, but I'm pretty sure most of it isn't necessary. I say get to those last two paragraphs as fast as possible.
ReplyDeleteLike, don't world-build until you need to. For example, the first paragraph is cool and all, and it sets things up for the war angel later, but as the opening to your query it's slow and misleading. You could easily cut the whole thing, and then when you introduce the war angel, you can say something like "...power their technology with a captured war angel--a powerful being whose race nearly wiped out the planet X centuries ago, before their supposed extinction."
Or something like that :-)
Forgot to say two things: (1) I didn't like "from the space age to the stone age" because I took it literally, thinking the world was at stone-age tech levels.
ReplyDeleteAnd (2) I would totally read this :-)
Guys, I am absolutely over the moon about how great all your advice here is! I really, really appreciate this.
ReplyDeleteHere's my re-written version of the query (under 250 words--woot! But AnAlaskanGirl, if they tell me to shave off more, I am totally snaffling onto your wording, because that's a great way to handle the backstory. Thanks!)
What do you think of the following? Is this an improvement, or am I not 'killing my darlings' ruthlessly enough? I'd love to hear what you think.
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As a doctor and a pacifist, Wykham devotes his life to helping others, but while trying to save an injured woman, he becomes infected with her 'blooddrinker' disease. Now only able to eat human flesh, Wykham thinks suicide is his sole moral choice. Before he can act, however, a group calling themselves 'minority humans' kidnaps him and insists he must live.
Wykham learns his captors descend from those who refused to be genetically engineered to survive the inhospitable planet that the war angels--humanity's most ungrateful inventions--crashed their ancestors' ship onto. Now facing extinction, the minority humans created the blooddrinker disease as a weapon of genocide. They intend to use people like Wykham to wipe out the thriving, rival population.
Furious, Wykham tries to escape their citadel but instead winds up trapped and starving in the sub-basements. There, however, he discovers the minority humans' most dangerous secret: They use a captured war angel to power their technology.
The dying creature terrifies Wykham, but his freakish blooddrinker strength is a match for her declining capabilities, so he teams up with her long enough to escape. Once free, however, the war angel rampages through the minority humans’ home seeking vengeance--and more. Instead of fleeing the planet, the war angel intends to become a god over it.
With humanity’s worst nightmare returned, and everybody he loves facing slavery or death, Wykham must put aside his self-loathing and scruples to accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.
"Wykham learns his captors descend from those who refused to be genetically engineered to survive the inhospitable planet that the war angels--humanity's most ungrateful inventions--crashed their ancestors' ship onto."
ReplyDeleteThis sentence was a little hard to follow for me. I also wondered how the minority humans intended to keep themselves safe from their genocidal virus (also, would they really call themselves "minority"? I'd think they'd have a more favorable term for themselves, like 'true humans' or something).
But mainly this is shaping up nicely, to me anyway.
Ooh, shaping up so well. One minor thing, and maybe it's just me, but I noticed too many "however"s. A couple of them, I thought, could just be deleted.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck!
The revision shows definite improvement. I'm intrigued by the story from the first chapter, but the first query doesn't quite work. The revision starts more effectively, but I think there are still spots that could be more direct.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Adam about that sentence...in fact, I feel the whole paragraph could be smoother and clearer. (You might not need to mention here how they ended up on this planet. And the weaponization of the blooddrinker disease could be clearer.
You might not need to say so much about what the war angel is going to do...perhaps condense that into something like, "Although W and the war angel forge an uneasy alliance to escape, it has its own vengeful plans. As his world faces the war angel's deadly wrath, Wykham must put aside his horror at what he's become to accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight."
I dunno. Just playing around with wording.
Thanks Adam, Tracey and Precie! I will continue to work on this. Thank you very much for telling me what works or doesn't for you; it's great to have feedback individual sentences as well as the overall letter.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a really fun read Goblin. I actually liked the original structure a little better, so my rewrite goes off that. Seems ot me that making this quite a bit more menacing is the ticket so that's what I tried to do. I was also able ot pare down to 278 words and keep most of your query intact:
ReplyDeleteOn a planet once knocked from the space age to the stone age by war angels, genetic engineering has split the population into two species and now an attempt at genocide is about to split it into three.
As a doctor and a pacifist, Wykham devotes his life to helping others, but when he tries to save a suicidal woman, he’s infected with her 'blooddrinker' disease. Now only able to eat human flesh, Wykham decides that killing himself is the sole moral option, but before he can, a group determined to keep him alive kidnaps Wykham.
Baffled why anyone would provide charity to cannibals, Wykham soon learns the 'minority humans' who captured him used the remains of their ancestor’s technology to create the blooddrinker disease. Their virus only infects 'majority humans', and is designed to eliminate them. Even worse, Wykham is their new weapon.
Wykham tries to escape but is caught, chained, and left to starve in the sub-basements of his captors’ citadel. It is there that he uncovers the minority humans’ most dangerous secret: They used a captured war angel to power their technology.
With his enormous blooddrinker’s strength, Wykham proves to be a suitable ally for the dying war angel and they decide to team up to escape. Now free, Wykham realizes his terrible mistake…the war angel wasn’t seeking freedom; she wanted vengeance. Rampaging through the minorities’ home, this war angel would soon be a god over the entire planet.
With humanity’s worst nightmare returned, and everyone he loves facing slavery, Wykham must put aside his self-loathing and scruples to accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.
Thank you, Newmancht! I really like your changes! Now to see if I can shmoosh the best elements of both queries into something even better...
ReplyDeleteWill you posting another version (not that I have a huge issue with a lot of the suggestions above)? Just was curious what you'd settled on.
ReplyDeleteNew version! If anyone has comments on this, I'd be delighted to hear them, and thank you in advance!
ReplyDelete~~~~~~~
As a doctor and pacifist on an inhospitable planet, Wykham is devoted to preserving life. When a patient infects him with her ‘blooddrinker’ disease, however, and leaves him only able to digest human flesh, Wykham considers suicide his sole moral option.
But a group calling themselves ‘minority humans’ kidnaps Wykham and forcibly prevents him from harming himself. Wykham soon learns his captors descend from those who refused genetic engineering to survive on the world where their ship crashed. Now faced with extinction but immune to the blooddrinker disease, the minority humans intend to use Wykham as a weapon of genocide against the thriving rival population.
Wykham refuses the violence, and his captors threaten to infect his infant son so Wykham will be forced to kill to feed his baby. Desperate to thwart that plan, Wykham attempts escape but winds up trapped and starving in the sub-basements of the minority humans’ citadel. There, however, he discovers his captors’ most dangerous secret: They use a captured war angel—one of the cyborgs who devastated their ancestors’ ship—to power their technology.
The creature and her cheerful psychopathy terrify Wykham, but they team up to escape. Once free, however, the war angel rampages through the minority humans’ home seeking gruesome vengeance—and more. Instead of fleeing the planet, the war angel intends to become a god over it.
With the world’s worst nightmare returned, and everyone he loves facing slavery or death, Wykham must put aside his self-loathing and scruples to accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.
It's a dry read, about two paragraphs too long.
ReplyDeleteYour busy sentences dilute the impact of the information presented. Example: In the first sentence, you introduce the MC, his profession, his moral leaning and devotion, the setting -- it gets to be too much. Simply by stating he is a doctor, we can assume he is devoted to preserving life and thus a pacifist.
I don't feel grounded with Dr. Wykham. I need to identify with him before the plot gets moving.
I have no sense of the universe, the state of humanity...
You're relying on 'and' clauses too much. The pronoun Wykham appears far too often.
Why does a so-called inhospitable planet have so much going on?
Don't use the 'everyone he loves facing death' cliche, not when you've already established a more personal relationship with his son.
I like this much better. For a start, coming new to the story I can follow it much more easily and it sounds like great sci fi.
ReplyDeleteI don't agree with Matt that it's a dry read, but it is a bit long. Taking out "pacifist" in the first sentence would help the beginning: "As a doctor on an inhospitable planet" draws me right in. I know it's sci fi for a start!
I know we're always being told to avoid the verb "to be" but personally I'd find "his captors are descended from..." easier to take in than "his captors descend..." Oh, and I know "group" is singular and should take a singular verb but it caused me to stumble in reading and I wonder if you could use a different construction to avoid it.
I wonder if phrases like "Desperate to thwart that plan" are really necessary or if the reader can get that from the context.
I liked "the creature and her cheerful psychopathy" - I look forward to reading about that in the book. She sounds like quite a character!
I'm not sure that the sentence "Instead of fleeing the planet, the war angel intends to become a god over it." is really needed.
I liked this a lot more than the last one! Good luck with it!
oh that is it...
ReplyDeleteThe new one is much more informative, and less imagination firing. I am still hazy on what a query letter is used for, but the first one fired my imagination and let my mind fill in more richness. This one while more direct doesn't leave any wiggle room.
Maybe i just have the wrong impression of what the goal of these are. They are to get someone to want tor read the book right?
Matt: Thanks for your comments! It really helps to know what worked or didn't for another person. I appreciate your input.
ReplyDeleteFairyHedgehog: Thank you! Those are all great suggestions for streamlining things, and I'll definitely use some of these.
Sarf: Thanks! It's really valuable for me to know what the first impression of someone seeing this is--it's so easy for me to have blind spots about the query when I know the whole book's plot.
A query letter is supposed to convince a literary agent s/he wants to read the book. It needs to be complete enough for them to know the novel has a solid plot, yet succinct enough they are left wanting more.
Lack of wiggle room may be a good thing, just because I don't want them thinking I've got plot holes. Then again, being able to imply richness of plot is even better than laying it out baldly. It's a balancing act!
I think this version is much better. First paragraph is great! And I respectfully disagree w fhh about the pacifist mention in the first line--I think it's important because it suggests his moral tension and ties to the last paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI have concerns about paragraphs 2 and 3...I think para 2 could be tighter and clearer...and para 3 might be a bit too much synopsis.
After para 3, I think think the rest is strong too. I'm assuming you'd put the title, genre, and word count either at the beginning or at the end.
Ps--thanks for letting us play along!
I have only read your most recent version. It is a bit long and could have more emotional impact.
ReplyDeleteFirst Paragraph: I would suggest “blood-drinker”, as “blooddrinker” seems too run-together for me. The “however” is unnecessary. Good ending conflict, the protagonist forced to kill himself so that he isn’t compelled to kill others.
Second Paragraph: The “forcibly prevents” seems awkard. I would drop the “forcibly”. In the second sentence, drop “soon” and it might be better phrased as “Wykham learns that his captors descended from…” To me, it is not clear whether these minority humans refused the genetic engineering in order to survive better, or whether they refused the genetic engineering even though it would help them survive better. Then the “facing extinction” makes me think they refused it on some other principle. Are they facing extinction as a result of their refusal? There is confusion for me, as it seems that the majority humans, the genetically engineered group, are susceptible to the blood-drinker disease. But then why call them “thriving”? My overall impression is that this should be reduced to tell: a) who Wykham’s captors are, b) why they are facing extinction, and c) how they intend to use him. Maybe explain a), then c), followed by b), with b) showing their motives for such drastic action.
Third Paragraph: Trim to “Wykham refuses. His captors threaten to infect his infant son, so Wykham will be forced …” Drop “Desperate to thwart that plan”, as this will be understood by the reader. Tell us what Wykham faces, and we will understand how he feels. I don’t think you need the details of where he finds the captured war angel. Not clear who the “their” is here, but I assume the ship was the colonists who were ancestors to both the minority and majority humans?
Fourth Paragraph: I would LOVE a glimpse of the angel’s “cheerful psychopathy”, instead of you telling us this. Does the angel seem a bit masochistic about her imprisonment and use by the minority humans? Drop “gruesome” from “gruesome vengeance”, it comes across as not being confident that vengeance is terrible enough to the reader. Or show some example, especially if the angel harms someone who the reader might be sympathetic to (helpful prison guard gets trampled? Child skewered on an angelic battle instrument?). One thing the last sentence seems to lack is what this means to Wykham. Is he now fighting the angel, too? Oh, the irony.
Fifth Paragraph: The ending isn’t bad, but I wanted it to have more impact. Something that captures his mental torment, knowing that he cannot save the world, but also knowing that if he kills himself, he has taken the coward’s way out. And I wanted an inside-his-head decision about discarding pacifism to fight and save both his friends AND foes.
Precie: Thank you! I appreciate getting your reaction to which paragraphs are working and which aren't--and yes, the "housekeeping" details will all go at the end.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: Ooh, thank you so much! Your wording suggestions are all excellent, and I'm probably going to use almost all of them. And thanks for getting so specific on the point-by-point logic; I really need that!
Boy, I don't know Goblin...
ReplyDeleteThis version is pretty wordy and I think you've lost your voice. There's far too much "telling" going on and not enough showing. The example of the "cheerful Psychopathy" vs showing us this is a perfect example. This version just seemed to plod along for me, whereas before, we only had enough information to pique our interest. It also seems to be introducing elements of the story that don't get fully explained, leaving us with more questions than we had in the earlier version. If you'll remember, I had the exact same problem in my Anasazi Conspiracy Query you helped me with - too much info that couldn't be properly explained. Basically, don't we just need protagonist, antagonist, predicament and a hint of the solution?? Add in as much world building as space permits too, since this sounds liek a really cool plot, but keep to the basics and don't lose your voice or pace in the process.
Newmancht: Thanks for your comments, Newmancht! Sarf said roughly the same thing, so I'm going to have to think hard about this. I'm not particularly happy with this query either, but (and this is ironic, given I run this site) I'm not at all sure how to fix it! :-/
ReplyDeleteAh, the grand 'committee effect'. Of course, what you need is yet another person to come in and offer you more contradictory advice. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with Newmancht.
I took a class from agent Kristin Nelson a while back. One thing she really impressed upon me in spec-fic queries is that writers seem really obsessed with making sure that their rich world and history comes across, but the agents, typically, really want a focus on the central conflict, voice, and characters with world building just being a few sentences to give a general flavor of the world (heck Nelson suggested, if possible, limiting it to a few sentences). Her comments seemingly are supported by what other agents I've seen say. Yeah, they'll be some 'wiggle room' in the query, but you're talking 8-12 sentences and around 250 words.
Blow-by-blow plot points are particularly unnecessary. I know people are thinking 'show, don't tell' but ask yourself, in judging the fundamental interest of the plot, is information such as where he meets the war angel, necessary? Would it be a more interesting story if he met the war angel in a swamp versus the basement or does it really not matter all that much? If it doesn't matter, it doesn't need to be in the query.
To that end, I'mm dubious of anything that ends up adding additional detail that is unnecessary to understand the central plot within about 250 words.
Here's a quick suggestion (based more off your original query, because I agree your voice has been sliced right out of it in the newer version to basically add unnecessary exposition). This version is 252 words with the notes included. It also includes a couple of clarifying assumptions on my part that may be incorrect. In particular, all the previous versions of the queries don't make it clear how a disease that gives its victims super-human strength is going to lead to their downfall. I'm assuming the idea here is massive cannibalism leading to the majority humans eating themselves to a population level the minority humans can finish them off. I've added a clause to that effect:
As a doctor on an inhospitable planet, Wykham is devoted to preserving life. When a patient infects him with her ‘blood-drinker’ disease and leaves him only able to digest human flesh, Wykham considers suicide his only moral option. But a group calling themselves ‘minority humans’ kidnaps him and forcibly prevents him from ending his own life.
He learns his kidnappers are the creators of the disease. The minority humans intend to use it as a weapon to force the rival, thriving genetically modified ‘majority humans’ to destroy themselves through large-scale cannibalism. His stubborn refusal to aid them is met by his captors' threat of infecting his infant son.
Determined not to become a genocidal biological weapon, he flees with his son and discovers the minority humans have also captured a war angel—one of the ancient cyborgs responsible for the near destruction of ancient humanity. Though terrified by the cheerfully psychopathic creature [who thinks nothing of slicing a man in half and laughing about it or whatever], he still joins with her to escape.
With the aid of astounding strength granted to him by his infection, Wykham and the war angel escape their captors. He’s soon horrified to learn the war angel doesn’t intend to leave the planet as he hoped. Instead, the vengeful cyborg wants to establish a new bloody dominion over humanity.
The tainted doctor must sacrifice his own beliefs in a desperate struggle against the war angel. Sometimes the only hero is a monster. Sometimes a pacifist must fight.
J.A. Beard,
ReplyDeleteWe're not worthy......we're not worthy...... you pretty much nailed it.
Right now I think your hook is buried pretty deep in this Q. Here's a try at your first graph, based on JA Beard's comment:
ReplyDeleteDr. Firstname Wykham never thought he'd partner with a robot to save (name of), his planet. He never thought he'd be the cause of humanity's downfall, either.
But when he's infected with a disease countered only by eating human flesh, and then captured by a rebel group determined to bring their enemy to its knees, Wykham's only choice is to run. Which brings him face to face with (name or war angel), an ancient cyborg with the personality of a cheerful psychopath.
Together, Wykham and the war angel escape their captors but the good doctor realizes he's gone from the frying pan into the fire (or some original saying from that planet that means the same thing - good spot for voice). The war angel doesn’t intend to leave the planet without revenge, which leaves Wykham no choice. The monster he is now must become the hero as he (does something to defeat both the cyborg and the rebels)
Obviously, this ending needs work but you get the idea. :)
J. A. Beard, Newmancht and Melodie: Guys--thank you, thank you, thank you for all this help. I can't believe how great you're all being, sticking with this. It is totally helping me to get so many thoughtful and thought-provoking opinions. Really, this is amazing!
ReplyDeleteOkey-doke; I have a new version. First, just let me say I like "cheerful psychopathy". No offence to anyone, but I'm going to hang onto that 'darling' just a bit longer. :-D
I've also left in where he finds the war angel because I think, for the sake of logic, I need to mention he's still in the minority humans' home when this happens.
This version is down to 240 words, and I tried to stir some more juice (voice) back into it. Please let me know whether you think this is an improvement, more of the same 'meh', or I've stepped backward again:
~~~~~~~
Wykham, a doctor and pacifist on a hostile planet, believes being human means being the opposite of a predator. But Wykham has just been infected with ‘blooddrinker’ disease and can now only digest human flesh. He considers suicide his sole moral option, but a group calling themselves ‘pure humans’ kidnaps Wykham—they want the new cannibal alive.
Pure humans descend from those who refused to be genetically modified to survive their harsh world. Now facing extinction, they intend to use people like Wykham as weapons of genocide to wipe out the thriving, rival population.
When Wykham refuses, his captors threaten to infect his son, which would force Wykham to hunt to feed his baby. He desperately tries to escape but winds up trapped and starving in the minority humans’ sub-basements. There, however, Wykham discovers his captors’ most dangerous secret: They use a captured war angel—one of the cyborgs that hammered everyone’s ancestors back to the stone age—to power their remaining technology.
The creature and her cheerful psychopathy terrify Wykham, but they team up to escape. Once free, the war angel rampages through the minority humans’ home seeking vengeance—and more. Instead of fleeing the planet, the war angel intends to become a god over it.
With every human now facing slavery and death, Wykham must put aside his self-loathing and scruples to accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.
hmm... still think it need more 'voice' as people say, still sounds like a Wikipedia entry.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph seems ok to me.
Second paragraph I think could be "Pure humans who are immune to there blood drinkers plague, want to use people like Wykham to spark a cannibalistic feeding frenzied that will leave there enemy's weakened"
third paragraph, something like "During his escape Wykham is trapped with and frees a cybernetic war angle, together they escape, but the War angle turns on him. With a cheerful psychopathic glee it plans to destor all who will not worship it."
fourth paragraph, fine
Maybe that is to much telling and not enough showing... Guess that is why you are the writer and I am the programmer...
ReplyDeleteHmmmm... still not much voice - you had more in the very 1st version. Maybe we just need a twist to really wake this thing up. I'll take another crack at it to open up options - this version is a quick draft, but its only 251 words and might get you closer to the voice that's missing:
ReplyDeleteWykham is a doctor with a real problem. He's been infected. Not a normal infection though...this one turned him into a cannibal. The blooddrinker disease is a new problem on this world of Minority and the genetically superior Majority humans - and Wykahm has just become the Minority human's latest weapon.
Captured before his moral conscience could allow him to commit suicide, he is thrust into the Minority human's terrible scheme with their threat of poisoning his infant son. Determined not be a genocidal weapon, his attempt to escape lands him trapped in chains instead. It is in captivity that he is fortunate to learn the Minority’s deadly secret. They are using a captured war angel cyborg to power this destructive plan; the same cyborgs that nearly exterminated the Humans before.
Though terrified by the war angel's cheerful psychopathic nature, but proving to be a suitable ally with his enormous bloodrinker's strength, he agrees to team up with her to escape. But just when he thinks he'll be free to save his son and the world of majority humans from this horrible disease, the cyborg shows her true mission - Vengeance.
This war angel isn’t interested in freedom. The human’s worst nightmare has returned and this time she plans to annihilate the minority humans and rule over the planet as a god. Amidst a crumbling world, Wykham realizes that he must put aside his pacifist beliefs and fight to save his everything he loves...sometimes the only hero available is a monster.
Honestly, Jen, I still think you're throwing too much at us in your Q. It reads like a synopsis and my eyes glaze over trying to comprehend the complicated plot. Advice is to just concentrate on the first 50 pages to focus on...if you did that, would that help? Also, your first sentence as it stands: Wykham, a doctor and pacifist on a hostile planet, believes being human means being the opposite of a predator.
ReplyDeleteI don't find that much of a hook. You're telling us how he feels, not what he does. A great first sentence works in both.
Everyone: Thank you again for your help, but although I do appreciate your suggestions, none of them feel "right" to me. I'm not happy with my own query, either, but I think I have to let it sit for a while, then try to figure out my own fix for it.
ReplyDeleteThank you again for all your help! Due to your kind assistance, I know what isn't working and what I have to improve. (((*hugs*))) to you all!
Good idea. It's so nearly there - I'm sure the final answer will come to you and it will be great!
ReplyDelete