This query is from an anonymous author for the novel Future's Prophet. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Jonathan has crazy dreams. And he shouldn’t be having dreams at all, let alone crazy ones -- because Jonathan isn’t even human.
Jonathan is a bot, a cyber-intelligence with the ability to run anything from a car or coffee machine to the computer systems controlling the global economy. But Jonathan, who has developed a moral conscience, prefers bringing comfort to people in need. So, when he learns that Sam, the son of his creator, has lost his mother in a suspicious auto accident, he befriends the boy then sets out to find the truth about the ‘accident’. While searching every branch of the Net, Jonathan takes it over, believing he is some kind of cyber-savior whose idea of salvation includes diverting corporate funds to charities and preaching peace at the Pentagon. He even dreams he has the power to resurrect Sam’s mother.
Ultimately, Jonathan awakes to learn of a darker purpose behind his creation and the unsettling truth of his own connection to Sam’s mother’s death. But awakening a super-bot with messianic delusions could be dangerous -- especially one who claims he’s just cracked the launch codes for a few thousand nuclear missiles.
Future’s Prophet is a work of character-driven science fiction with thriller elements and is complete at 93,000 words. Although not specifically written for the YA audience, it could also appeal to that group of readers.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Jonathan has crazy dreams, and he shouldn’t, because Jonathan isn’t human. Jonathan is a cyber-intelligence with the ability to run anything from a coffee machine to the computer systems of the global economy. He shouldn't dream--but he also shouldn't develop a moral compass, take up a crusade, or crack the launch codes for a few thousand nuclear missiles. And yet he has.
It all begins when Jonathan learns that Sam, the son of his creator, lost his mother in a suspicious auto accident. Jonathan befriends the boy, then sets out to find the truth about the ‘accident’. While searching every branch of the Net, Jonathan begins to take it over, diverting corporate funds to charities and preaching peace at the Pentagon.
He dreams he has the power to resurrect Sam’s mother, but ultimately, Jonathan awakes to the darker purpose behind his creation and the unsettling truth of his own connection to Sam’s mother’s death. [Here, outline Jonathan's ultimate dilemma/choice/predicament. Try to not portray him as a villain, however, but as a dangerous and potentially misguided entity. Jonathan is the protagonist in this query, so he needs to retain the reader's sympathy throughout.]
Future’s Prophet is a work of character-driven science fiction with thriller elements, complete at 93,000 words. Although not written specifically for the YA audience, it may greatly appeal to that group of readers.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
