This query is from an anonymous author for the novel The Zero Line. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
A young couple inadvertently step into the secretive world of the CIA, and apply their unique skills to stop a friend from killing an innocent man.
In one of Maryland's oldest seaside towns a secret is about to be revealed.
Polly McKenna is a suburban housewife with a past she'd rather forget. But a recently purchased grandfather clock with the words 'I killed Robert Morrison' written on the back, stirs a long-subdued curiosity that prevents her from resting until she tracks down the scribe. Her husband Mitch, a former Marine pilot with a guilty conscience reluctantly follows. But when they discover an old friend, David Jordan, wrote the shocking admission a chilling scenario begins to unfold.
Drawn into the cryptic world of the CIA, the young couple race to stop their friend from killing again.
What the Mckennas don't know is that someone else is targeting David--someone with the power and desire to kill hundreds. And Mitch is the new target. Suddenly the reluctant one, Polly is forced to reach back into a world she left behind--a world that nearly took her life.
THE ZERO LINE is complete at 100K words. The story is set in the crowded chaos of Pakistan, where truth and honor take a back seat to revenge and deceit, and on Maryland's upscale Eastern Shore where one man's tainted history holds the key to unraveling a decades old drama of Cold War intrigue.
Prior to writing THE ZERO LINE, I worked extensively in the counterintelligence field with over twenty-five years experience at the XXX and the XXX. I would be pleased to send you a partial or full manuscript at your request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
A young couple inadvertently step into the secretive world of the CIA and apply their unique skills to stop a friend from killing an innocent man.
Polly McKenna is a suburban housewife with a past she would rather forget, but when a recently-purchased clock with the words 'I killed Robert Morrison' scratched in its back stirs her long-subdued curiosity, Polly convinces her husband Mitch, a former Marine pilot with a guilty conscience, to help her track the scribe.
Mitch's tainted history holds the key to unraveling a decades-old drama of Cold War intrigue, and the couple discover an old friend wrote the shocking admission. Polly and Mitch are drawn into the cryptic world of the CIA and must race to stop their friend from killing again.
What the McKennas don't know is someone from the crowded chaos of Pakistan, where truth and honor take a back seat to revenge and deceit, is targeting the killer also. When the couple's nosiness results in Mitch becoming the new target, Polly is forced to reach back into a world she left behind--a world that nearly took her life--to save her husband and stop [a catastrophe--is it a single murder? A terrorist massacre? Whatever the book's biggest crisis is, put it here.]
THE ZERO LINE is complete at 100,000 words. Prior to writing THE ZERO LINE, I worked extensively in the counterintelligence field and have over twenty-five years experience at the XXX and the XXX. I would be pleased to send you a partial or full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
What I thought was done well:
ReplyDeleteThis query is already really good, as is. It sounds like a compelling story with very engaging characters, and the query does a great job of showing the internal as well as external conflicts of these characters.
What I thought could be improved:
There are some comma errors (fiddly damned things; everyone hates commas!), the query is a bit long, and I'd like the logic of the plot to be better fleshed out.
At the end, I wanted to delete the entire bit starting with "The story is set in the crowded chaos of Pakistan..." because that part consists of 'telling' the reader facts instead of 'showing' them the same facts. However, everything you put in that bit was really, really intriguing!
So what I did instead is I tried to work those details into the body of the query. If I've placed them in the wrong locations (e.g. I don't know if it's Mitch who has the "tainted history"), then please feel free to shift things around and rewrite it to make the query accurate to the novel again. I just would really like your super-interesting "teasers" from the end of the query to be worked into the meat of it instead.
What I think remains to be improved in the edited query:
Honestly, I liked your original query a lot, and I don't know that my edited version is actually better. It's shorter, and that may help you see how to shave a few words out of your own.
The specifics of the plot are a bit vague in this query, but I do like the writing, and I think the logical sequence of events comes across well enough.
Hence, you might want to work on adding more specifics, but I'm not sure you need to. It's up to you, as author; ignore whatever your brain says would be easiest and do what your gut tells you is right.
If you want to post another version of the query here in the comments, I'd be happy to give you more feedback--and do feel free to tweak your original rather than using any of my suggestions, because as I said, I did like the original query as is.
Good luck with this! It sounds like an exciting book with deliciously-damaged but brave protagonists.
It's a good query, though I have to note starting with that log line has way less impact than the next line.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with a bit of specificity on the plot. The query isn't necessarily the place to be coy (unlike back cover copy).
Presenting the correctly placed and redone query:
ReplyDeletePolly McKenna thinks her new grandfather clock is perfect until she finds a confession scrawled on the back. That and a hidden key are enough to start Polly on a search for the original owner even though her husband Mitch, a former Marine, tells her to leave it alone. He only gets involved when he discovers the writer is an old friend: Marine pilot David Jordan.
When Polly and Mitch track down David, they discover he's flown to Pakistan on the anniversary of a covert agent's suspicious death. David, it seems, is preparing to kill again.
Mitch boards a plane for Pakistan to thwart David's plans. But what the Mckennas don't know is someone else is targeting David-- someone with ties to the agent's death, someone with the power and desire to kill hundreds more. As Mitch closes in, he too becomes a target. Now it's Polly's turn to act. No stranger to the world of espionage and betrayal, she must reach back into a secretive life of which Mitch knows nothing, a life that almost got her killed.
Prior to writing THE ZERO LINE (thriller, 100,000 words) I worked extensively in the counterintelligence field with over twenty-five years experience at the XXX and the XXX. I would be pleased to send the manuscript of THE ZERO LINE on request.
?? Thoughts??
Anonymous: Oh, that is good! I really like this new query and think it's essentially ready to start going to agents/editors.
ReplyDeleteI'll paste my edited version below, but you'll see I made only very minor changes in wording. The lone typo is probably the more important than those--in the third paragraph, the "K" in McKenna isn't capitalized.
Again, I think this new query is really great--wonderful work, Anonymous!
Goblin-Edit:
Polly McKenna thinks her new grandfather clock is perfect until she finds a confession scrawled on its back. That, and a hidden key, are enough to start Polly on a search for the original owner even though her husband Mitch, a former Marine, tells her to leave it alone. He only gets involved when he discovers the confessor is an old friend: Marine pilot David Jordan.
When Polly and Mitch track down David, they discover he has flown to Pakistan on the anniversary of a covert agent's suspicious death. David, it seems, is preparing to kill again.
Mitch boards a plane for Pakistan to thwart David's plans. But what the McKennas don't know is someone else is targeting David--someone who has ties to the agent's death and the power and desire to kill hundreds more. As Mitch closes in, he too becomes a target. Now it's Polly's turn to act. No stranger to the world of espionage and betrayal, she must reach back into a secretive life of which Mitch knows nothing, a life that almost got her killed.
Prior to writing THE ZERO LINE, a 100,000 word thriller, I worked extensively in the counterintelligence field and have over twenty-five years experience at the XXX and the XXX. I would be pleased to send the full manuscript for THE ZERO LINE upon request.
Wait--I've decided I want to make one more change:
ReplyDelete...ties to the agent's death as well as the power and desire...
Yay! Thank you!! (I sent it out yesterday and received a request for a partial. First peep since January!) Thanks :-)
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: That's awesome! Congratulation, and may you get lots more interest for your book.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations, anonymous!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the changes you made - so incredibly cool that you're getting immediate positive feedback from an agent.
I had one further thought: 'confession scrawled on the back' seems too vague. It is a 'confession of murder', not cheating on his wife or robbing the till. Only an extra word or two and you can get to the stakes a lot faster.