This query is from Micki for the novel Before the Daisies Grow. Thank you, Micki, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
Toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and slip into a thong: life begins at sixty-ish.
Dotty, Wilma and Nora accept Lucas’s invitation to holiday on the island of Brazzina, but have no idea of the dangers they face. Unbeknown to them, he is a drug baron with an ulterior motive.
Thank goodness for the chance meeting of Major Milestone, a yummy gentleman who has Dotty’s hormones doing the tango. Sadly for her, he has to rebuff her amorous advances when he learns their holiday plans coincide with his covert military operation on the island. As duty come first, his priority is to capture Lucas and his drug cartel, then destroy the islands opium plantations. The onus is now on him to provide his clandestine protection of the trio to avoid their slaughter. What he didn’t reckon on was Dotty discovering he’s their protector, nor her assumption he’s kidnapped them for devious deeds. Her harebrained escape plan nearly obstructs his covert mission. Furious, Milestone speculates these wretched women are indeed opium rookies for Lucas. When the truth is finally revealed, embarrassed Dotty tries to scheme on how to win Milestone heart: failing that, her high-speed vibrator will have to suffice.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
Toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and slip into a thong: life begins at sixty-ish.
Dotty, Wilma and Nora are going on holiday to the island of Brazzina. Unfortunately for them, their charming host Lucas is a drug baron who plans to use his silver beauties as opium mules.
Enter Major Milestone, a yummy gentleman who has Dotty’s heart doing the tango. Although he's going to Brazzina too, he keeps resisting her amorous advances, and it's giving Dotty the vapors. But after the Major [does something dramatic], Dotty realizes she and her friends have just been kidnapped, and it's up to her to engineer their escape. Dotty enacts a hare-brained scheme only to discover two things. One: she may be hot, but she's not so hot at fool-proof plans, and two: the Major was on a covert mission to capture Lucas and destroy the island's opium plantations.
With the mission near-scuppered and Milestone now suspicious the ladies are in cahoots with Lucas, Dotty must find some way to win her Major's heart back. If she doesn't, the soft Brazzina surf is going to be the only thing kissing her toes anytime soon!
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Query #43: "The Painted Queen" by Lee
This query is from Lee for the novel The Painted Queen. Thank you, Lee, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
When a cursed artifact sends Jocelyn Campbell careening back to 16th century Scotland, she thought her biggest problem was poofing it back to Oklahoma.
Turns out it’s not so simple—she’s in the Highlands because she’s got a cursed warrior queen’s soul. Prophesy says when the clan McKay is in great jeopardy, the spirit of Boadicea will be summoned across time and space to save the freakin’ day. Having a used soul is one thing. Having a cursed and doomed soul? Yeah, no thanks. Added to the fact Jocelyn’s a mocha-loving paramedic and not Lady Rambo, nothing is looking too promising. Enter Cayden MacKay, current owner of the ancient arm cuff that started this whole cluster. Prophesy or not, the only thing Jocelyn sees him in danger of is a sense of humor. Irritable as he is, it doesn’t take much to solicit his help in returning her to the future—STAT.
Luckily, Samhain, a time when the Fae and spirits freely walk the earth, is coming, and there might just be enough magick in the air to get her home. It would be that easy, but now all of clan Cameron has gathered to attack the MacKays, and it’s time for the prophesied warrior queen to deliver the knockout punch. Somehow. Faced with almost certain death, Jocelyn knows staying in this century isn’t much of an option…but then again, neither is her lonely existence in the 21st.
THE PAINTED QUEEN is an 95,000-word paranormal romance. It would appeal to the readers of Karen Marie Moning and Diana Gabaldon.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
When a cursed artifact sends Jocelyn Campbell careening into 16th century Scotland, she thought her biggest problem was poofing her way back to Oklahoma.
Turns out it’s not so simple. Jocelyn has a warrior queen’s soul, and prophesy says when the Clan McKay is in great jeopardy, Boadicea will be summoned across time and space to save the freakin’ day. Having a used soul is one thing, but a cursed and doomed soul? Yeah, no thanks. Jocelyn’s a mocha-loving paramedic, not Lady Rambo.
Enter Cayden MacKay, owner of the ancient arm cuff that slurped Jocelyn out of her comfortably-lonely 21st century life. Irritable as he is, the sparks--both romantic and acrimonious--flying between them are enough to solicit his help in returning Jocelyn to the future. And luckily, Samhain is coming, and there might be enough magick in the air to get her home.
It would be that simple, except now all of Clan Cameron has gathered to attack the MacKays, and it’s time for the prophesied warrior queen to deliver the knockout punch. Somehow. Faced with near-certain death, Jocelyn knows staying in this century isn’t much of an option…but coffee and Cayden long-dead no longer seems like a life worth living either.
THE PAINTED QUEEN is an 95,000-word paranormal romance. It would appeal to the readers of Karen Marie Moning and Diana Gabaldon.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
When a cursed artifact sends Jocelyn Campbell careening back to 16th century Scotland, she thought her biggest problem was poofing it back to Oklahoma.
Turns out it’s not so simple—she’s in the Highlands because she’s got a cursed warrior queen’s soul. Prophesy says when the clan McKay is in great jeopardy, the spirit of Boadicea will be summoned across time and space to save the freakin’ day. Having a used soul is one thing. Having a cursed and doomed soul? Yeah, no thanks. Added to the fact Jocelyn’s a mocha-loving paramedic and not Lady Rambo, nothing is looking too promising. Enter Cayden MacKay, current owner of the ancient arm cuff that started this whole cluster. Prophesy or not, the only thing Jocelyn sees him in danger of is a sense of humor. Irritable as he is, it doesn’t take much to solicit his help in returning her to the future—STAT.
Luckily, Samhain, a time when the Fae and spirits freely walk the earth, is coming, and there might just be enough magick in the air to get her home. It would be that easy, but now all of clan Cameron has gathered to attack the MacKays, and it’s time for the prophesied warrior queen to deliver the knockout punch. Somehow. Faced with almost certain death, Jocelyn knows staying in this century isn’t much of an option…but then again, neither is her lonely existence in the 21st.
THE PAINTED QUEEN is an 95,000-word paranormal romance. It would appeal to the readers of Karen Marie Moning and Diana Gabaldon.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When a cursed artifact sends Jocelyn Campbell careening into 16th century Scotland, she thought her biggest problem was poofing her way back to Oklahoma.
Turns out it’s not so simple. Jocelyn has a warrior queen’s soul, and prophesy says when the Clan McKay is in great jeopardy, Boadicea will be summoned across time and space to save the freakin’ day. Having a used soul is one thing, but a cursed and doomed soul? Yeah, no thanks. Jocelyn’s a mocha-loving paramedic, not Lady Rambo.
Enter Cayden MacKay, owner of the ancient arm cuff that slurped Jocelyn out of her comfortably-lonely 21st century life. Irritable as he is, the sparks--both romantic and acrimonious--flying between them are enough to solicit his help in returning Jocelyn to the future. And luckily, Samhain is coming, and there might be enough magick in the air to get her home.
It would be that simple, except now all of Clan Cameron has gathered to attack the MacKays, and it’s time for the prophesied warrior queen to deliver the knockout punch. Somehow. Faced with near-certain death, Jocelyn knows staying in this century isn’t much of an option…but coffee and Cayden long-dead no longer seems like a life worth living either.
THE PAINTED QUEEN is an 95,000-word paranormal romance. It would appeal to the readers of Karen Marie Moning and Diana Gabaldon.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Query #42 - Untitled (YA novel) by Anonymous
This query is from an anonymous author for a YA novel. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
One humid October morning in 1998 in El Salvador, after hurricane Mitch has devastated the family farm, nine year-old Carlos is persuaded by his forceful older sister to trek two thousand miles to the United States in search of his parents. Carlos knows his parents, gone ahead, forbid it. He knows his sister isn’t always kind to him. But desperate to impress, he follows her right up to the moment, just a few miles into their journey along a ravaged, lonely road, when she abandons him.
This is the story of a family pushed to extremes. It’s about injustice, survival, and two children caught in a dangerous system. Carlos never thought his Papa’s advice had much to do with him. He thought his Papa’s avid interest in boxing mattered even less. But alone and guided only by an address scrawled on a scrap of paper, his Papa’s maxims and fascination with an up-and-coming young boxer, take on new meaning.
[Title] is a 38,000 word realistic YA (potential cross-over) novel.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
In October of 1998, after Hurricane Mitch devastates his family farm in El Salvador, nine-year-old Carlos' forceful older sister persuades him to trek two thousand miles to the United States. Carlos knows his parents, gone ahead, have forbidden this. He also knows his sister isn't always kind to him. What Carlos didn't know is she would abandon him on a ravaged, lonely road only a few miles into their journey.
Alone and guided only by an address scrawled on a scrap of paper, Carlos's memory of his papa's advice--which Carlos never thought had much to do with him--takes on a new meaning. Papa's maxims, as well as his fascination with an up-and-coming young boxer, give Carlos the heart and tenacity he needs to survive.
[Title] is a 38,000 word realistic YA novel with crossover potential.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
One humid October morning in 1998 in El Salvador, after hurricane Mitch has devastated the family farm, nine year-old Carlos is persuaded by his forceful older sister to trek two thousand miles to the United States in search of his parents. Carlos knows his parents, gone ahead, forbid it. He knows his sister isn’t always kind to him. But desperate to impress, he follows her right up to the moment, just a few miles into their journey along a ravaged, lonely road, when she abandons him.
This is the story of a family pushed to extremes. It’s about injustice, survival, and two children caught in a dangerous system. Carlos never thought his Papa’s advice had much to do with him. He thought his Papa’s avid interest in boxing mattered even less. But alone and guided only by an address scrawled on a scrap of paper, his Papa’s maxims and fascination with an up-and-coming young boxer, take on new meaning.
[Title] is a 38,000 word realistic YA (potential cross-over) novel.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
In October of 1998, after Hurricane Mitch devastates his family farm in El Salvador, nine-year-old Carlos' forceful older sister persuades him to trek two thousand miles to the United States. Carlos knows his parents, gone ahead, have forbidden this. He also knows his sister isn't always kind to him. What Carlos didn't know is she would abandon him on a ravaged, lonely road only a few miles into their journey.
Alone and guided only by an address scrawled on a scrap of paper, Carlos's memory of his papa's advice--which Carlos never thought had much to do with him--takes on a new meaning. Papa's maxims, as well as his fascination with an up-and-coming young boxer, give Carlos the heart and tenacity he needs to survive.
[Title] is a 38,000 word realistic YA novel with crossover potential.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
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