This query is from Leigh Carron for the novel Fat Girl! A Love Story. Thank you, Leigh Carron, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Life isn’t perfect. But, for Child Advocate, Deeana Chase it’s tracking along nicely. She loves her work, the little house she’s bought near the lake, and her two amazing best friends. And finally, after years of heartache and soul searching, Dee has buried her past and made a tenuous peace with food, her body… and herself.
Until...
Her ex, the very sexy and now famous Micah Peters appears out of the blue unearthing old ghosts and unlocking long held secrets. Plunged into her worst nightmare, Dee finds herself torn between professional duty and self preservation. In helping his twelve-year-old nephew caught in a custody battle, she must resist the one man who once had the power to nearly destroy her.
Only…
A food compulsion proves easier to control than her desire for Mick. But as Dee gives into sensual temptation, she is forced to uncover some startling truths about Mick and herself. Will the truth set her “fat girl” free or will insecurities forever keep her heart imprisoned?
This powerfully erotic and moving story about united lovers takes you on an exciting journey to answer the age-old question, can love conquer all.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
Life isn’t perfect, but for Child Advocate Deeana Chase, it’s tracking along nicely. She loves her work, the little lake house she just bought, and her two amazing best friends. And -- finally -- Dee has made a tenuous peace with food, her body, and herself.
But that peace is threatened when a twelve-year-old she's helping through a custody battle proves to be the nephew of her ex, the very sexy and now famous Micah Peters. Micah's words once had the power to destroy Dee, but a food compulsion is easier to control than her desire for this man. Torn between professional duty and self-preservation, Dee starts to give in to sensual temptation.
But in doing so, she uncovers startling truths about Micah and herself. Will the truth set her “fat girl” free, or will insecurity forever imprison Dee's heart?
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Query #52: "A Drive of Dragons" by Mary-J-59 (middle grade fantasy)
This query is from Mary-J-59 for the novel A Drive of Dragons. Thank you, Mary-J-59, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
At nearly fourteen, Verity is old enough to know that being a princess isn’t all honey and roses and beautiful horses. Princesses and princes must protect their people, too. When fire-breathing dragons invaded the kingdom of Patria generations earlier, only the princess could make them vanish. But no one knows exactly how, for that legendary princess vanished along with the dragons.
Now huge, fire-breathing lizards have invaded once more, and Verity knows she confront them. After she escapes from the palace and finds her way to the mountains, she meets young prince Frank of Halland, a country she’s never heard of which is also beset by dragons. The two teens come across a little dragon who tells them why the dragons are devouring people’s crops. A powerful, greedy dragon called Blackstone is hoarding all their food, and they’re starving. Verity hopes most sincerely that Blackstone doesn’t enjoy munching on maidens of royal blood, but she’s got to face him even if he wants to eat her. If she can’t persuade Blackstone to change his ways, the other dragons and the people of Patria and Halland will all suffer. It’s up to her to rescue everyone from the wicked Blackstone. But, as far as she knows, her only weapons are her sharp mind, her sense of duty, and a pair of embroidery scissors. And – that other princess never came back.
A Drive of Dragons is middle-grade fiction, complete at 35,000 words. Verity and Frank are the viewpoint characters. This story should appeal to readers who like classic tales such as The Reluctant Dragon and Farmer Giles of Ham. I hope readers of Cressida Cowell’s wonderful series will enjoy A Drive of Dragons, too. I look forward to hearing from you.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
At nearly fourteen, Verity knows being a princess isn’t all roses and beautiful horses. Princesses must protect their people, too. Generations ago, fire-breathing dragons invaded Verity's kingdom, and a legendary princess made them vanish. But no one knows how, for the princess vanished along with the dragons. Now Verity must figure out what that princess did, because the dragons are back.
Verity escapes from her lizard-besieged palace and finds her way to the mountains, where she meets young prince Frank. His country is also beset by dragons, and the two teens meet a little dragon who tells them why the dragons are devouring people’s crops. A greedy dragon called Blackstone is hoarding all their food, and they’re starving.
Verity hopes Blackstone doesn’t enjoy munching on royal maidens, but she’s got to face him even if he does. It’s up to her to rescue everyone, and her only weapons are her sharp mind, her sense of duty, and a pair of embroidery scissors. But working against Verity are her fears--because that other princess never came back!
A Drive of Dragons is middle-grade fiction, complete at 35,000 words. This story will appeal to readers who enjoy classic tales like The Reluctant Dragon and Farmer Giles of Ham, and to readers of Cressida Cowell’s wonderful How to Train Your Dragon series. I look forward to hearing from you.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
At nearly fourteen, Verity is old enough to know that being a princess isn’t all honey and roses and beautiful horses. Princesses and princes must protect their people, too. When fire-breathing dragons invaded the kingdom of Patria generations earlier, only the princess could make them vanish. But no one knows exactly how, for that legendary princess vanished along with the dragons.
Now huge, fire-breathing lizards have invaded once more, and Verity knows she confront them. After she escapes from the palace and finds her way to the mountains, she meets young prince Frank of Halland, a country she’s never heard of which is also beset by dragons. The two teens come across a little dragon who tells them why the dragons are devouring people’s crops. A powerful, greedy dragon called Blackstone is hoarding all their food, and they’re starving. Verity hopes most sincerely that Blackstone doesn’t enjoy munching on maidens of royal blood, but she’s got to face him even if he wants to eat her. If she can’t persuade Blackstone to change his ways, the other dragons and the people of Patria and Halland will all suffer. It’s up to her to rescue everyone from the wicked Blackstone. But, as far as she knows, her only weapons are her sharp mind, her sense of duty, and a pair of embroidery scissors. And – that other princess never came back.
A Drive of Dragons is middle-grade fiction, complete at 35,000 words. Verity and Frank are the viewpoint characters. This story should appeal to readers who like classic tales such as The Reluctant Dragon and Farmer Giles of Ham. I hope readers of Cressida Cowell’s wonderful series will enjoy A Drive of Dragons, too. I look forward to hearing from you.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
At nearly fourteen, Verity knows being a princess isn’t all roses and beautiful horses. Princesses must protect their people, too. Generations ago, fire-breathing dragons invaded Verity's kingdom, and a legendary princess made them vanish. But no one knows how, for the princess vanished along with the dragons. Now Verity must figure out what that princess did, because the dragons are back.
Verity escapes from her lizard-besieged palace and finds her way to the mountains, where she meets young prince Frank. His country is also beset by dragons, and the two teens meet a little dragon who tells them why the dragons are devouring people’s crops. A greedy dragon called Blackstone is hoarding all their food, and they’re starving.
Verity hopes Blackstone doesn’t enjoy munching on royal maidens, but she’s got to face him even if he does. It’s up to her to rescue everyone, and her only weapons are her sharp mind, her sense of duty, and a pair of embroidery scissors. But working against Verity are her fears--because that other princess never came back!
A Drive of Dragons is middle-grade fiction, complete at 35,000 words. This story will appeal to readers who enjoy classic tales like The Reluctant Dragon and Farmer Giles of Ham, and to readers of Cressida Cowell’s wonderful How to Train Your Dragon series. I look forward to hearing from you.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Query #51: "A Question of Faith" by Anonymous (YA Paranormal)
This query is from an anonymous author for the YA paranormal novel A Question of Faith. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
Fifteen-year-old Crystal Miller isn’t a Bible thumper, but how can she not believe in God when He answers nearly all of her prayers? Learning her birthmother sought the help of witches to conceive her shakes her previously unwavering faith. Since curiosity isn't a sin, she tracks down the witches and learns she's the incarnation of magic. Supposedly, that makes her the only person whose magical potential is limitless.
Crystal can’t believe her birthmother fell for such nonsense and vows to forget about magic, but when her boyfriend’s mom is seriously injured, she’s tempted to do more than just pray. Surely God won’t mind if she’s using magic to help people. After her boyfriend's mother miraculously recovers, Crystal doesn't know who saved her. Despite worrying her magic will damn her to Hell or, worse, that she doesn’t even have a soul to condemn, she sets out to master her power. Unfortunately, flying and playing with fireballs attracts dangerous attention. When a witch hunter captures her boyfriend and shamans snatch her aunt in an effort to control her, Crystal can no longer ignore who she really is. But she’s still new to magic and if she can't figure out what she's capable of, forget about saving those she loves--she just might start the apocalypse.
A QUESTION OF FAITH is an 87,000-word YA paranormal novel with series potential.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Fifteen-year-old Crystal Miller isn’t a Bible thumper, but how can she not believe in God when He answers nearly all her prayers? However, when she learns her birthmother sought the help of witches to conceive her, Crystal's previously unwavering faith is shaken. She tracks down the witches and learns she's the incarnation of magic. Supposedly, that makes her the only person whose magical potential is limitless.
Which means when her boyfriend’s mom is seriously injured, Crystal's tempted to do more than just pray. Surely God won’t mind her using magic to help people? But the woman's miraculous recovery leaves Crystal wondering who really saved her. She also worries magic will damn her to Hell or, worse, prove Crystal has no soul to condemn.
[Something happens to make her decide to] master her power, but flying and playing with fireballs attracts dangerous attention. A witch hunter captures her boyfriend, and shamans snatch her aunt in an effort to control Crystal. She might be still be new to magic, but Crystal needs to figure out what she's capable of, because if she doesn't, she won't merely fail to save those she loves--she might just start the apocalypse.
A QUESTION OF FAITH is an 87,000-word YA paranormal novel with series potential.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Fifteen-year-old Crystal Miller isn’t a Bible thumper, but how can she not believe in God when He answers nearly all of her prayers? Learning her birthmother sought the help of witches to conceive her shakes her previously unwavering faith. Since curiosity isn't a sin, she tracks down the witches and learns she's the incarnation of magic. Supposedly, that makes her the only person whose magical potential is limitless.
Crystal can’t believe her birthmother fell for such nonsense and vows to forget about magic, but when her boyfriend’s mom is seriously injured, she’s tempted to do more than just pray. Surely God won’t mind if she’s using magic to help people. After her boyfriend's mother miraculously recovers, Crystal doesn't know who saved her. Despite worrying her magic will damn her to Hell or, worse, that she doesn’t even have a soul to condemn, she sets out to master her power. Unfortunately, flying and playing with fireballs attracts dangerous attention. When a witch hunter captures her boyfriend and shamans snatch her aunt in an effort to control her, Crystal can no longer ignore who she really is. But she’s still new to magic and if she can't figure out what she's capable of, forget about saving those she loves--she just might start the apocalypse.
A QUESTION OF FAITH is an 87,000-word YA paranormal novel with series potential.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Fifteen-year-old Crystal Miller isn’t a Bible thumper, but how can she not believe in God when He answers nearly all her prayers? However, when she learns her birthmother sought the help of witches to conceive her, Crystal's previously unwavering faith is shaken. She tracks down the witches and learns she's the incarnation of magic. Supposedly, that makes her the only person whose magical potential is limitless.
Which means when her boyfriend’s mom is seriously injured, Crystal's tempted to do more than just pray. Surely God won’t mind her using magic to help people? But the woman's miraculous recovery leaves Crystal wondering who really saved her. She also worries magic will damn her to Hell or, worse, prove Crystal has no soul to condemn.
[Something happens to make her decide to] master her power, but flying and playing with fireballs attracts dangerous attention. A witch hunter captures her boyfriend, and shamans snatch her aunt in an effort to control Crystal. She might be still be new to magic, but Crystal needs to figure out what she's capable of, because if she doesn't, she won't merely fail to save those she loves--she might just start the apocalypse.
A QUESTION OF FAITH is an 87,000-word YA paranormal novel with series potential.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Monday, September 3, 2012
Query #50: "Blame It On Meryl" by Anonymous (women's fiction)
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ORIGINAL QUERY
No matter how hard Laura Sanders, the heroine of my completed 97,250-word women’s fiction manuscript, BLAME IT ON MERYL, pretends to lead a glamorous life - working as a TV producer, living in a luxury condo in Los Angeles and travelling the world - the shame of being a virgin at age 28 makes it all meaningless. She’s resigned to live a dull, uneventful life in the company of a few close friends and her disinterested cat. Then she sees Mamma Mia and - wham! - Laura feels as if Meryl Streep dances off the screen to wake her from her slumber. The actress plays the role with such energy and gusto, exactly what has been missing in Laura’s life.
If only Laura could have Meryl Streep in her life; surely she could guide her to a place where such joy is possible. But what if she can? Laura invents a fantasy starring herself as the intern set photographer for Mamma Mia. It gives her a chance to live the fun and exciting life of a Hollywood movie set and more importantly, access to Meryl’s wisdom and friendship. Back in reality things aren’t so bad either. Laura gets a promotion that brings her into Natalie’s and Vera’s orbit. These women are a different species to her. Whereas she and her best friend Sophia know every Danish director of the dogma movement, Natalie and Vera know every variety of vibrator on the market. Now with Meryl at her side, Laura has the confidence to move in their circle without fear of being caught as the loser that she knows she is.
Seeing herself through the eyes of an imaginary Meryl Streep, Laura learns to accept and love herself. She embarks on a journey to discover her own sexuality. But soon her fantasy world becomes too appealing and Laura begins to lose touch with her reality. Will she be able to take what she learns from her fantasy life and rediscover the very real possibility of love that awaits her? Or will she lose touch forever?
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GOBLIN-EDIT
Laura Sanders produces TV in Los Angeles, lives in a luxury condo, and travels the world, but her glamorous life feels like a sham because Laura is also a 28-year-old virgin with few friends and an emotionally distant cat. She's resigned to her dull, lonely existence, so it's a shock when reality isn't the thing that finally wakes Laura up -- fantasy is.
The film Mamma Mia hits Laura like a stampede of ABBA fans, with Meryl Streep seeming to dance off the screen to show Laura all the joy and passion her own life lacks. Laura begins fantasizing about being an intern on the movie set, enjoying the fun of Hollywood while benefiting from Meryl's wisdom and friendship. Then Laura's reality takes an exciting turn too.
A promotion draws her into a new circle of friends -- ones more likely to discuss vibrators than Danish directors. With imaginary-Meryl by her side, Laura has the confidence to move into their ranks without fear of being caught out as the loser she knows she is. She begins exploring her sexuality and reawakens to the possibility that love awaits her, but Laura also finds her bright daydreams have a dark side.
For fantasies are more intoxicating than reality, and Laura is starting to get lost in hers. If she doesn't start taking what she's learned from her imaginary life, and using it to connect with real people soon, Laura is in danger of losing touch with reality permanently.
BLAME IT ON MERYL is a 97,000-word women's fiction novel. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Friday, July 20, 2012
Query #49: "The Unity" by BubbleGumBetch
This query is from BubbleGumBetch for the novel The Unity. Thank you, BubbleGumBetch, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
20-year-old Marina Sonamreg has a lot on her shoulders: the death of her Gran, getting rid of her sleazy boyfriend Flenn, figuring out if she should go to University or not, and as you can see the list goes on. On top of all of that, Marina is convinced she is the only person that can see the strange activity occurring in the Unity, which is the tight-knit society she lives in: teenage kids are destructing public property, purple-masked figures running around the streets, and gas leaks are all re-occuring events that no one else seems to notice except for Marina.
Frequent nightmares are blending in with reality, which leaves Marina confused about what is real and what might be a result of her delusions. Even her best friend Nia advises her to seek help, and as the alienation from her friends makes her start to feel like she is going mental, Marina falls in love with a tall, blue-eyed boy named Taite. As a member of the “Guardians” protection system, Taite sees and knows about the problems that occur on the "Border" wall and he slowly begins to tell Marina that something supernatural is trying to break into their world—and it might be too late before Marina can do anything to stop it.
I have written my debut novel entitled "The Unity," which is a humorous Young Adult, Romance novel that has soft elements of Sci-Fi, and runs at 98,000 words. I believe it will appeal to readers who love fast-paced stories that are suspenseful, and although she is in the process of figuring out herself, Marina is a strong, independent girl that has the potential to serve as a great role model for women of all ages.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
20-year-old Marina Sonamreg is convinced she's the only person who can see the strange activity in the Unity, the tight-knit society she lives in. Teenage kids are destroying public property, purple-masked figures run in the streets, and gas leaks keep erupting, but no one except Marina seems to notice.
No one but Taite, the tall, blue-eyed boy who serves with the "Guardians" protection system. Taite tells Marina something supernatural is trying to break into the Unity, and it might be too late to stop it.
[Here, you need more description of the plot. What can Marina do to help the situation, and what does she try to do? What gets in her way? How do those obstacles make the situation worse? And finally, what's the worst situation Marina will find herself in? What will be at stake? What will be her choices? (Also, try to weave in how Taite becomes a love interest, since you state this is a romance.)]
THE UNITY is a 98,000-word Young Adult romance. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
20-year-old Marina Sonamreg has a lot on her shoulders: the death of her Gran, getting rid of her sleazy boyfriend Flenn, figuring out if she should go to University or not, and as you can see the list goes on. On top of all of that, Marina is convinced she is the only person that can see the strange activity occurring in the Unity, which is the tight-knit society she lives in: teenage kids are destructing public property, purple-masked figures running around the streets, and gas leaks are all re-occuring events that no one else seems to notice except for Marina.
Frequent nightmares are blending in with reality, which leaves Marina confused about what is real and what might be a result of her delusions. Even her best friend Nia advises her to seek help, and as the alienation from her friends makes her start to feel like she is going mental, Marina falls in love with a tall, blue-eyed boy named Taite. As a member of the “Guardians” protection system, Taite sees and knows about the problems that occur on the "Border" wall and he slowly begins to tell Marina that something supernatural is trying to break into their world—and it might be too late before Marina can do anything to stop it.
I have written my debut novel entitled "The Unity," which is a humorous Young Adult, Romance novel that has soft elements of Sci-Fi, and runs at 98,000 words. I believe it will appeal to readers who love fast-paced stories that are suspenseful, and although she is in the process of figuring out herself, Marina is a strong, independent girl that has the potential to serve as a great role model for women of all ages.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
20-year-old Marina Sonamreg is convinced she's the only person who can see the strange activity in the Unity, the tight-knit society she lives in. Teenage kids are destroying public property, purple-masked figures run in the streets, and gas leaks keep erupting, but no one except Marina seems to notice.
No one but Taite, the tall, blue-eyed boy who serves with the "Guardians" protection system. Taite tells Marina something supernatural is trying to break into the Unity, and it might be too late to stop it.
[Here, you need more description of the plot. What can Marina do to help the situation, and what does she try to do? What gets in her way? How do those obstacles make the situation worse? And finally, what's the worst situation Marina will find herself in? What will be at stake? What will be her choices? (Also, try to weave in how Taite becomes a love interest, since you state this is a romance.)]
THE UNITY is a 98,000-word Young Adult romance. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Query # 48: Untitled by Anonymous (YA fantasy)
This query is from an anonymous writer for (I think) a YA Fantasy novel. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
The first rule is to fear the witches. Seventeen-year-old Princess Elise knows she should, especially after the bloody Witches’ Revolution. But there are things that frighten her much, much more.
The second rule is to stay away from the witches. Elise can’t do that anymore. Her father has just made one his queen.
The third rule is to never, ever cross the witches. Now it’s too late. When her eleven older brothers get in the way of the new queen’s scheme to destroy their country, they're turned into swans. Elise is the only one to escape the queen – and their only hope.
Saving them means risking her life. Worse, it means breaking the only rules she’s ever bothered to follow.
But then again, some rules are made to be broken.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
The first rule is fear the witches. Seventeen-year-old Princess Elise knows she should, especially after the bloody Witches’ Revolution, but there are things that frighten her far, far more.
The second rule is stay away from the witches. Elise can’t do that anymore. Her father just made one his queen.
The third rule is never, ever cross the witches, but now it’s too late. Her brothers got in the way of the queen’s scheme to destroy their country, and she turned them into swans. Elise is the only one to escape. She's their only hope.
Saving them means breaking the only rules she’s ever bothered to follow. Saving them means risking her life and her nation's future.
But not saving them is not an option.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
The first rule is to fear the witches. Seventeen-year-old Princess Elise knows she should, especially after the bloody Witches’ Revolution. But there are things that frighten her much, much more.
The second rule is to stay away from the witches. Elise can’t do that anymore. Her father has just made one his queen.
The third rule is to never, ever cross the witches. Now it’s too late. When her eleven older brothers get in the way of the new queen’s scheme to destroy their country, they're turned into swans. Elise is the only one to escape the queen – and their only hope.
Saving them means risking her life. Worse, it means breaking the only rules she’s ever bothered to follow.
But then again, some rules are made to be broken.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
The first rule is fear the witches. Seventeen-year-old Princess Elise knows she should, especially after the bloody Witches’ Revolution, but there are things that frighten her far, far more.
The second rule is stay away from the witches. Elise can’t do that anymore. Her father just made one his queen.
The third rule is never, ever cross the witches, but now it’s too late. Her brothers got in the way of the queen’s scheme to destroy their country, and she turned them into swans. Elise is the only one to escape. She's their only hope.
Saving them means breaking the only rules she’s ever bothered to follow. Saving them means risking her life and her nation's future.
But not saving them is not an option.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Query #47: "Vanishing Valerie" by J. Q. Trotter (YA Fantasy)
This query is from J. Q. Trotter for the novel Vanishing Valerie. Thank you, Jacqueline, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
Valerie Latimer never knew her bio-parents, not that she cried herself to sleep about it. It would have been nice if they left a note with her as they ditched her at that orphanage. If they had, it would have given her a much needed heads up:
• Your violet-eyes mean you have a dash of demon blood in you. Don't worry; it was probably just your great-great-great-grandpa that was really a demon.
• Heaven and Hell are at war, though stuck in standstill. Once you turn fifteen, you'll have to pick a side.
• It's been foreseen you're a key to Hell's most powerful portal. That'll finally win us the war. Do me proud, kido.
Nope, Valerie has to learn all this in a one-day crash course. At least the stranger turns out to be of angelic descendent and rather handsome, albeit an egocentric asshole. Regardless of her heritage, she's given the free will to choose her side.
She's compelled to do the opposite of what her demon blood tells her to do and picks Heaven. Too bad a girl with a coveted Hell trait could never be trusted by angels. If only she knew, she might have just gone back to being the Latimers' violet-eyed freak forever instead of trying her luck at Heaven's academy for talented descendants.
VANISHING VALIERE is a 87,000 YA fantasy.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Valerie Latimer never knew her bio-parents, but it would have been nice if they left a note when they ditched her at that orphanage. It would have given her a much-needed heads up that:
• Your violet eyes mean you have a dash of demon blood. Don't worry; it was probably just your great-great-great-grandpa.
• Heaven and Hell are at war. When you turn fifteen, you have to pick a side.
• It's foretold you're a key to Hell's most powerful portal, and that'll finally win us the war. Do us proud, kiddo.
Instead, Valerie learns all this in a one-day crash course from a rather handsome, albeit egocentric asshole of a stranger of angelic descendent. She's given the free will to choose her side, and Valerie does the opposite of what her demon blood tells her and picks Heaven.
Too bad a girl with a coveted Hell trait could never be trusted by angels. In Heaven's academy for talented descendants [she comes up against obstacles, discovers some great danger, and is forced to act to avert a catastrophe.]
VANISHING VALERIE is an 87,000-word YA fantasy.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Valerie Latimer never knew her bio-parents, not that she cried herself to sleep about it. It would have been nice if they left a note with her as they ditched her at that orphanage. If they had, it would have given her a much needed heads up:
• Your violet-eyes mean you have a dash of demon blood in you. Don't worry; it was probably just your great-great-great-grandpa that was really a demon.
• Heaven and Hell are at war, though stuck in standstill. Once you turn fifteen, you'll have to pick a side.
• It's been foreseen you're a key to Hell's most powerful portal. That'll finally win us the war. Do me proud, kido.
Nope, Valerie has to learn all this in a one-day crash course. At least the stranger turns out to be of angelic descendent and rather handsome, albeit an egocentric asshole. Regardless of her heritage, she's given the free will to choose her side.
She's compelled to do the opposite of what her demon blood tells her to do and picks Heaven. Too bad a girl with a coveted Hell trait could never be trusted by angels. If only she knew, she might have just gone back to being the Latimers' violet-eyed freak forever instead of trying her luck at Heaven's academy for talented descendants.
VANISHING VALIERE is a 87,000 YA fantasy.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Valerie Latimer never knew her bio-parents, but it would have been nice if they left a note when they ditched her at that orphanage. It would have given her a much-needed heads up that:
• Your violet eyes mean you have a dash of demon blood. Don't worry; it was probably just your great-great-great-grandpa.
• Heaven and Hell are at war. When you turn fifteen, you have to pick a side.
• It's foretold you're a key to Hell's most powerful portal, and that'll finally win us the war. Do us proud, kiddo.
Instead, Valerie learns all this in a one-day crash course from a rather handsome, albeit egocentric asshole of a stranger of angelic descendent. She's given the free will to choose her side, and Valerie does the opposite of what her demon blood tells her and picks Heaven.
Too bad a girl with a coveted Hell trait could never be trusted by angels. In Heaven's academy for talented descendants [she comes up against obstacles, discovers some great danger, and is forced to act to avert a catastrophe.]
VANISHING VALERIE is an 87,000-word YA fantasy.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Query #46: "The Ill-Advised Adventures of El Halston" by Anonymous
This query is from an anonymous author for the YA novel The Ill-Advised Adventures of El Halston. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders sat in a pile of broken binding on El Halston’s bedroom floor. After scanning chapter six, “Symptoms of Functional Psychosis,” she’d launched the book across the room and watched it fall with a guilty satisfaction, a satisfaction immediately replaced by fear. El knew what the head librarian was capable of. And she had all the symptoms.
Exhibit A: Hallucinations. Seeing a five-hundred-year old oak tree decked out in pink neon on her morning bus ride probably qualified.
Exhibit B: Erratic Behavior. Asking the kid who’d appeared on her dead-end country road, the one who saved her from death by garden hose, the one whose story added up to not much, if he could see said glowing tree. She was sure that qualified.
Exhibit C: Delusional Thinking. Assuming she could clear her friend Alex of a crime he didn’t commit, involving nine hundred bucks he didn’t steal, based on some mysterious directive from a girl named Samantha Beacon whom she’d never meet. Yep, one hundred percent certifiable. She’d give the psych ward a call in the morning.
Exhibit D: Anxiety. Heck yeah she was anxious. She had to call the psych ward in the morning. And she had no idea how to categorize the madness of her dreams, or the fact that her best friend Jess was dreaming them too.
THE ILL-ADVISED ADVENTURES OF EL HALSTON is my debut YA novel, word count 101,000. Wrapped inside the story is the transcription of a Civil War era diary written by a girl with ties to Halston family land. The diary fills in a few blanks about El’s recurring dreams and the odd talents of the oak tree.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
On her bus ride to school, El Halston sees a five-hundred-year-old oak tree glowing, but that's just the start of the weirdness.
Soon, she's saved from death-by-garden-hose by a boy whose story doesn't add up to much, and then El starts getting advice from a dead girl on how to clear her friend of a crime. When El learns that she and her pal Jess are sharing the same crazy dreams, El decides it's time to get to the bottom of the mystery.
El [chooses to do something.] [Something goes wrong with her plan, making things worse.] [She attempts a new plan.] [Something goes wrong with the new plan, making things worse again.] [Repeat the plan/obstacle/stakes-rise progression as necessary.]
[To fix her life,] El [must make a choice between two courses of action, both of which pose grave threats to either herself or something she loves.]
THE ILL-ADVISED ADVENTURES OF EL HALSTON is a 101,000-word YA novel. Thank you for your consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders sat in a pile of broken binding on El Halston’s bedroom floor. After scanning chapter six, “Symptoms of Functional Psychosis,” she’d launched the book across the room and watched it fall with a guilty satisfaction, a satisfaction immediately replaced by fear. El knew what the head librarian was capable of. And she had all the symptoms.
Exhibit A: Hallucinations. Seeing a five-hundred-year old oak tree decked out in pink neon on her morning bus ride probably qualified.
Exhibit B: Erratic Behavior. Asking the kid who’d appeared on her dead-end country road, the one who saved her from death by garden hose, the one whose story added up to not much, if he could see said glowing tree. She was sure that qualified.
Exhibit C: Delusional Thinking. Assuming she could clear her friend Alex of a crime he didn’t commit, involving nine hundred bucks he didn’t steal, based on some mysterious directive from a girl named Samantha Beacon whom she’d never meet. Yep, one hundred percent certifiable. She’d give the psych ward a call in the morning.
Exhibit D: Anxiety. Heck yeah she was anxious. She had to call the psych ward in the morning. And she had no idea how to categorize the madness of her dreams, or the fact that her best friend Jess was dreaming them too.
THE ILL-ADVISED ADVENTURES OF EL HALSTON is my debut YA novel, word count 101,000. Wrapped inside the story is the transcription of a Civil War era diary written by a girl with ties to Halston family land. The diary fills in a few blanks about El’s recurring dreams and the odd talents of the oak tree.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
On her bus ride to school, El Halston sees a five-hundred-year-old oak tree glowing, but that's just the start of the weirdness.
Soon, she's saved from death-by-garden-hose by a boy whose story doesn't add up to much, and then El starts getting advice from a dead girl on how to clear her friend of a crime. When El learns that she and her pal Jess are sharing the same crazy dreams, El decides it's time to get to the bottom of the mystery.
El [chooses to do something.] [Something goes wrong with her plan, making things worse.] [She attempts a new plan.] [Something goes wrong with the new plan, making things worse again.] [Repeat the plan/obstacle/stakes-rise progression as necessary.]
[To fix her life,] El [must make a choice between two courses of action, both of which pose grave threats to either herself or something she loves.]
THE ILL-ADVISED ADVENTURES OF EL HALSTON is a 101,000-word YA novel. Thank you for your consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Query #45: "The Royal Mews", by Wilkins MacQueen
This query is from Wilkins MacQueen for the novel The Royal Mews. Thank you, Wilkins MacQueen, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
The Royal Mews, Historical Fiction complete at 60,000 words, is the story of an endangered breed UK stallion purchased by an American who planned to ship him to the US. Elizabeth II wanted the horse creating a royal cock-up.
When Gerald MacGrath won the grueling three day show turning his horse into a national treasure, he had no idea he was stepping from the winner’s circle into a showdown between heavyweights, the horse’s new American owner and the Queen of England.
The sale, hammered out before their big win, subject to breeding licence approval won’t complete until the Registry’s annual stallion inspection, and the horse passes. Debts Gerald’s father left must be paid smartly or the estate and chattels are going to be seized and auctioned. The stallion is chattel.
Gerald is stunned by the offer HM’s Secretary presents when he turns up at his farm. It is a sweet one, more money and no conditions. Gerald wrestles with collapsing the US sale. The royal purchase of his stallion, tantamount to stamping his foals with “By Appointment To” is priceless. Gerald isn’t sure how one could say “No, Your Majesty, I’m afraid you can’t have the horse.”
He manages it however. Completing the sale with the American is his only honorable choice. HM informs her Prime Minister she wants Pied Piper and please see to it. The Prime Minister, forced to act fast to avoid a news story involving Elizabeth II scrapping over a horse with a Yank, calls the President. The American won’t give the horse up. HM decided the horse will remain in Britain, at her stud. Gerald’s need for cash is urgent. The Prime Minister hopes the President has a better solution than his. He’d like to assassinate the horse.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When Gerald MacGrath won the Royal Mews, turning his horse into a national treasure, he had no idea he was stepping from the winner’s circle into a showdown between the horse’s new American owner and the Queen of England.
The sale was hammered out before the big win, and it will free Gerald from his father's debts. However, Her Majesty's Secretary just presented Gerald with a better deal, not to mention the prestige of being able to claim the queen as a customer. Completing the sale with the American is the only honorable choice, but Gerald isn't sure how one says, "No, Your Majesty; you can't have the horse."
He manages it. Unfortunately, the queen isn't familiar with the word "no," and she informs the Prime Minister that she wants that horse, and please see to it.
While the Prime Minister scrambles to keep the story out of the news, and goads the U.S. President to intercede as well, Gerald's need for cash grows urgent. Neither Her Majesty nor the American will back down, and the only solution anyone has proposed is one that will financially ruin Gerald.
Furthermore, it's being proposed by someone who also isn't familiar with the word "no." The Prime Minister has decided it's time to assassinate Gerald's horse.
The Royal Mews, a historical fiction, is complete at 60,000 words. It tells the story of a UK stallion, of endangered breed, purchased by an American who planned to ship him to the US. Elizabeth II wanted the horse, and a royal cock-up ensued.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Query #44: "Before the Daisies Grow" by Micki
This query is from Micki for the novel Before the Daisies Grow. Thank you, Micki, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and slip into a thong: life begins at sixty-ish.
Dotty, Wilma and Nora accept Lucas’s invitation to holiday on the island of Brazzina, but have no idea of the dangers they face. Unbeknown to them, he is a drug baron with an ulterior motive.
Thank goodness for the chance meeting of Major Milestone, a yummy gentleman who has Dotty’s hormones doing the tango. Sadly for her, he has to rebuff her amorous advances when he learns their holiday plans coincide with his covert military operation on the island. As duty come first, his priority is to capture Lucas and his drug cartel, then destroy the islands opium plantations. The onus is now on him to provide his clandestine protection of the trio to avoid their slaughter. What he didn’t reckon on was Dotty discovering he’s their protector, nor her assumption he’s kidnapped them for devious deeds. Her harebrained escape plan nearly obstructs his covert mission. Furious, Milestone speculates these wretched women are indeed opium rookies for Lucas. When the truth is finally revealed, embarrassed Dotty tries to scheme on how to win Milestone heart: failing that, her high-speed vibrator will have to suffice.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and slip into a thong: life begins at sixty-ish.
Dotty, Wilma and Nora are going on holiday to the island of Brazzina. Unfortunately for them, their charming host Lucas is a drug baron who plans to use his silver beauties as opium mules.
Enter Major Milestone, a yummy gentleman who has Dotty’s heart doing the tango. Although he's going to Brazzina too, he keeps resisting her amorous advances, and it's giving Dotty the vapors. But after the Major [does something dramatic], Dotty realizes she and her friends have just been kidnapped, and it's up to her to engineer their escape. Dotty enacts a hare-brained scheme only to discover two things. One: she may be hot, but she's not so hot at fool-proof plans, and two: the Major was on a covert mission to capture Lucas and destroy the island's opium plantations.
With the mission near-scuppered and Milestone now suspicious the ladies are in cahoots with Lucas, Dotty must find some way to win her Major's heart back. If she doesn't, the soft Brazzina surf is going to be the only thing kissing her toes anytime soon!
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and slip into a thong: life begins at sixty-ish.
Dotty, Wilma and Nora accept Lucas’s invitation to holiday on the island of Brazzina, but have no idea of the dangers they face. Unbeknown to them, he is a drug baron with an ulterior motive.
Thank goodness for the chance meeting of Major Milestone, a yummy gentleman who has Dotty’s hormones doing the tango. Sadly for her, he has to rebuff her amorous advances when he learns their holiday plans coincide with his covert military operation on the island. As duty come first, his priority is to capture Lucas and his drug cartel, then destroy the islands opium plantations. The onus is now on him to provide his clandestine protection of the trio to avoid their slaughter. What he didn’t reckon on was Dotty discovering he’s their protector, nor her assumption he’s kidnapped them for devious deeds. Her harebrained escape plan nearly obstructs his covert mission. Furious, Milestone speculates these wretched women are indeed opium rookies for Lucas. When the truth is finally revealed, embarrassed Dotty tries to scheme on how to win Milestone heart: failing that, her high-speed vibrator will have to suffice.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Toss the bloomers, get a bikini wax and slip into a thong: life begins at sixty-ish.
Dotty, Wilma and Nora are going on holiday to the island of Brazzina. Unfortunately for them, their charming host Lucas is a drug baron who plans to use his silver beauties as opium mules.
Enter Major Milestone, a yummy gentleman who has Dotty’s heart doing the tango. Although he's going to Brazzina too, he keeps resisting her amorous advances, and it's giving Dotty the vapors. But after the Major [does something dramatic], Dotty realizes she and her friends have just been kidnapped, and it's up to her to engineer their escape. Dotty enacts a hare-brained scheme only to discover two things. One: she may be hot, but she's not so hot at fool-proof plans, and two: the Major was on a covert mission to capture Lucas and destroy the island's opium plantations.
With the mission near-scuppered and Milestone now suspicious the ladies are in cahoots with Lucas, Dotty must find some way to win her Major's heart back. If she doesn't, the soft Brazzina surf is going to be the only thing kissing her toes anytime soon!
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Query #43: "The Painted Queen" by Lee
This query is from Lee for the novel The Painted Queen. Thank you, Lee, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
When a cursed artifact sends Jocelyn Campbell careening back to 16th century Scotland, she thought her biggest problem was poofing it back to Oklahoma.
Turns out it’s not so simple—she’s in the Highlands because she’s got a cursed warrior queen’s soul. Prophesy says when the clan McKay is in great jeopardy, the spirit of Boadicea will be summoned across time and space to save the freakin’ day. Having a used soul is one thing. Having a cursed and doomed soul? Yeah, no thanks. Added to the fact Jocelyn’s a mocha-loving paramedic and not Lady Rambo, nothing is looking too promising. Enter Cayden MacKay, current owner of the ancient arm cuff that started this whole cluster. Prophesy or not, the only thing Jocelyn sees him in danger of is a sense of humor. Irritable as he is, it doesn’t take much to solicit his help in returning her to the future—STAT.
Luckily, Samhain, a time when the Fae and spirits freely walk the earth, is coming, and there might just be enough magick in the air to get her home. It would be that easy, but now all of clan Cameron has gathered to attack the MacKays, and it’s time for the prophesied warrior queen to deliver the knockout punch. Somehow. Faced with almost certain death, Jocelyn knows staying in this century isn’t much of an option…but then again, neither is her lonely existence in the 21st.
THE PAINTED QUEEN is an 95,000-word paranormal romance. It would appeal to the readers of Karen Marie Moning and Diana Gabaldon.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When a cursed artifact sends Jocelyn Campbell careening into 16th century Scotland, she thought her biggest problem was poofing her way back to Oklahoma.
Turns out it’s not so simple. Jocelyn has a warrior queen’s soul, and prophesy says when the Clan McKay is in great jeopardy, Boadicea will be summoned across time and space to save the freakin’ day. Having a used soul is one thing, but a cursed and doomed soul? Yeah, no thanks. Jocelyn’s a mocha-loving paramedic, not Lady Rambo.
Enter Cayden MacKay, owner of the ancient arm cuff that slurped Jocelyn out of her comfortably-lonely 21st century life. Irritable as he is, the sparks--both romantic and acrimonious--flying between them are enough to solicit his help in returning Jocelyn to the future. And luckily, Samhain is coming, and there might be enough magick in the air to get her home.
It would be that simple, except now all of Clan Cameron has gathered to attack the MacKays, and it’s time for the prophesied warrior queen to deliver the knockout punch. Somehow. Faced with near-certain death, Jocelyn knows staying in this century isn’t much of an option…but coffee and Cayden long-dead no longer seems like a life worth living either.
THE PAINTED QUEEN is an 95,000-word paranormal romance. It would appeal to the readers of Karen Marie Moning and Diana Gabaldon.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
When a cursed artifact sends Jocelyn Campbell careening back to 16th century Scotland, she thought her biggest problem was poofing it back to Oklahoma.
Turns out it’s not so simple—she’s in the Highlands because she’s got a cursed warrior queen’s soul. Prophesy says when the clan McKay is in great jeopardy, the spirit of Boadicea will be summoned across time and space to save the freakin’ day. Having a used soul is one thing. Having a cursed and doomed soul? Yeah, no thanks. Added to the fact Jocelyn’s a mocha-loving paramedic and not Lady Rambo, nothing is looking too promising. Enter Cayden MacKay, current owner of the ancient arm cuff that started this whole cluster. Prophesy or not, the only thing Jocelyn sees him in danger of is a sense of humor. Irritable as he is, it doesn’t take much to solicit his help in returning her to the future—STAT.
Luckily, Samhain, a time when the Fae and spirits freely walk the earth, is coming, and there might just be enough magick in the air to get her home. It would be that easy, but now all of clan Cameron has gathered to attack the MacKays, and it’s time for the prophesied warrior queen to deliver the knockout punch. Somehow. Faced with almost certain death, Jocelyn knows staying in this century isn’t much of an option…but then again, neither is her lonely existence in the 21st.
THE PAINTED QUEEN is an 95,000-word paranormal romance. It would appeal to the readers of Karen Marie Moning and Diana Gabaldon.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When a cursed artifact sends Jocelyn Campbell careening into 16th century Scotland, she thought her biggest problem was poofing her way back to Oklahoma.
Turns out it’s not so simple. Jocelyn has a warrior queen’s soul, and prophesy says when the Clan McKay is in great jeopardy, Boadicea will be summoned across time and space to save the freakin’ day. Having a used soul is one thing, but a cursed and doomed soul? Yeah, no thanks. Jocelyn’s a mocha-loving paramedic, not Lady Rambo.
Enter Cayden MacKay, owner of the ancient arm cuff that slurped Jocelyn out of her comfortably-lonely 21st century life. Irritable as he is, the sparks--both romantic and acrimonious--flying between them are enough to solicit his help in returning Jocelyn to the future. And luckily, Samhain is coming, and there might be enough magick in the air to get her home.
It would be that simple, except now all of Clan Cameron has gathered to attack the MacKays, and it’s time for the prophesied warrior queen to deliver the knockout punch. Somehow. Faced with near-certain death, Jocelyn knows staying in this century isn’t much of an option…but coffee and Cayden long-dead no longer seems like a life worth living either.
THE PAINTED QUEEN is an 95,000-word paranormal romance. It would appeal to the readers of Karen Marie Moning and Diana Gabaldon.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Query #42 - Untitled (YA novel) by Anonymous
This query is from an anonymous author for a YA novel. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
One humid October morning in 1998 in El Salvador, after hurricane Mitch has devastated the family farm, nine year-old Carlos is persuaded by his forceful older sister to trek two thousand miles to the United States in search of his parents. Carlos knows his parents, gone ahead, forbid it. He knows his sister isn’t always kind to him. But desperate to impress, he follows her right up to the moment, just a few miles into their journey along a ravaged, lonely road, when she abandons him.
This is the story of a family pushed to extremes. It’s about injustice, survival, and two children caught in a dangerous system. Carlos never thought his Papa’s advice had much to do with him. He thought his Papa’s avid interest in boxing mattered even less. But alone and guided only by an address scrawled on a scrap of paper, his Papa’s maxims and fascination with an up-and-coming young boxer, take on new meaning.
[Title] is a 38,000 word realistic YA (potential cross-over) novel.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
In October of 1998, after Hurricane Mitch devastates his family farm in El Salvador, nine-year-old Carlos' forceful older sister persuades him to trek two thousand miles to the United States. Carlos knows his parents, gone ahead, have forbidden this. He also knows his sister isn't always kind to him. What Carlos didn't know is she would abandon him on a ravaged, lonely road only a few miles into their journey.
Alone and guided only by an address scrawled on a scrap of paper, Carlos's memory of his papa's advice--which Carlos never thought had much to do with him--takes on a new meaning. Papa's maxims, as well as his fascination with an up-and-coming young boxer, give Carlos the heart and tenacity he needs to survive.
[Title] is a 38,000 word realistic YA novel with crossover potential.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
One humid October morning in 1998 in El Salvador, after hurricane Mitch has devastated the family farm, nine year-old Carlos is persuaded by his forceful older sister to trek two thousand miles to the United States in search of his parents. Carlos knows his parents, gone ahead, forbid it. He knows his sister isn’t always kind to him. But desperate to impress, he follows her right up to the moment, just a few miles into their journey along a ravaged, lonely road, when she abandons him.
This is the story of a family pushed to extremes. It’s about injustice, survival, and two children caught in a dangerous system. Carlos never thought his Papa’s advice had much to do with him. He thought his Papa’s avid interest in boxing mattered even less. But alone and guided only by an address scrawled on a scrap of paper, his Papa’s maxims and fascination with an up-and-coming young boxer, take on new meaning.
[Title] is a 38,000 word realistic YA (potential cross-over) novel.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
In October of 1998, after Hurricane Mitch devastates his family farm in El Salvador, nine-year-old Carlos' forceful older sister persuades him to trek two thousand miles to the United States. Carlos knows his parents, gone ahead, have forbidden this. He also knows his sister isn't always kind to him. What Carlos didn't know is she would abandon him on a ravaged, lonely road only a few miles into their journey.
Alone and guided only by an address scrawled on a scrap of paper, Carlos's memory of his papa's advice--which Carlos never thought had much to do with him--takes on a new meaning. Papa's maxims, as well as his fascination with an up-and-coming young boxer, give Carlos the heart and tenacity he needs to survive.
[Title] is a 38,000 word realistic YA novel with crossover potential.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Query #41: "The Queen of Camp Respecto" (middle grade) by Anonymous
This query is from an anonymous author for the middle grade novel The Queen of Camp Respecto. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Eleven-year-old Typer Stockton doesn’t want to be labeled as a troublemaker. Unfortunately, the only time people pay attention to her is when she causes a scene. When she’s sent to the principal’s office on the last day of fifth grade, Typer hopes her parents will finally hear her out. Instead, they register her immediately for Camp Respecto, a “behavior camp” hours away from home. Her summer is doomed.
Camp Respecto totally bites at first, but as the weeks go by, Typer begins making friends and confiding in the counselors. She can hardly believe it: people are listening to her for once. But why hasn’t anybody listened before? How come her parents would rather drop her off at a lame old camp than give her a chance? Aided by her new friends, Typer sets out to find the truth behind why she’s at Camp Respecto—and that will require breaking some major camp rules.
THE QUEEN OF CAMP RESPECTO is a 37,000-word middle grade novel.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Eleven-year-old Typer Stockton doesn’t want to be a troublemaker, but the only time people pay attention to her is when she causes a scene. When she’s sent to the principal’s office on the last day of fifth grade, Typer hopes her parents will finally hear her out. Instead, they register her for Camp Respecto, a “behavior camp” hours from home.
At first, Camp Respecto totally bites, but as the weeks go by, Typer begins making friends and confiding in the counselors. People are listening to her for once! But why hasn’t anybody listened before?
Aided by her new friends, Typer sets out to find the truth behind why she’s at Camp Respecto—and that will require troublemaking like never before as she breaks some major camp rules.
THE QUEEN OF CAMP RESPECTO is a 37,000-word middle grade novel.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Eleven-year-old Typer Stockton doesn’t want to be labeled as a troublemaker. Unfortunately, the only time people pay attention to her is when she causes a scene. When she’s sent to the principal’s office on the last day of fifth grade, Typer hopes her parents will finally hear her out. Instead, they register her immediately for Camp Respecto, a “behavior camp” hours away from home. Her summer is doomed.
Camp Respecto totally bites at first, but as the weeks go by, Typer begins making friends and confiding in the counselors. She can hardly believe it: people are listening to her for once. But why hasn’t anybody listened before? How come her parents would rather drop her off at a lame old camp than give her a chance? Aided by her new friends, Typer sets out to find the truth behind why she’s at Camp Respecto—and that will require breaking some major camp rules.
THE QUEEN OF CAMP RESPECTO is a 37,000-word middle grade novel.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Eleven-year-old Typer Stockton doesn’t want to be a troublemaker, but the only time people pay attention to her is when she causes a scene. When she’s sent to the principal’s office on the last day of fifth grade, Typer hopes her parents will finally hear her out. Instead, they register her for Camp Respecto, a “behavior camp” hours from home.
At first, Camp Respecto totally bites, but as the weeks go by, Typer begins making friends and confiding in the counselors. People are listening to her for once! But why hasn’t anybody listened before?
Aided by her new friends, Typer sets out to find the truth behind why she’s at Camp Respecto—and that will require troublemaking like never before as she breaks some major camp rules.
THE QUEEN OF CAMP RESPECTO is a 37,000-word middle grade novel.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Query #40: "The Girl in the Mirror" by Sara (YA Fantasy)
This query is from Sara for the YA fantasy The Girl in the Mirror. Thank you, Sara, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Daela Stark has no magic in her, a revelation which plunges her status from noble to the scrap on every beggar’s shoe. When she witnesses her half-brother’s kidnapping by an enemy long forgotten, no one believes her -- no one except Trey, her brother’s favorite smuggler and sometimes friend. But help is scarce, and even a coward who turned on his people’s faith to escape imprisonment is better than nothing.
With Trey as a guide, Daela tracks her brother into Ethra, the desolate world where Trey’s people have been incarcerated for centuries. There, they learn that the spell used to create Ethra has become unstable, and that the world itself is consuming its inhabitants. With death courting their every step, Daela finds herself growing closer to Trey, and must let go of her prejudices and realize that neither he nor his people are the vile monsters she’d grown up believing.
But getting into Ethra turns out to be the easy part. Now they have to get out, and Daela’s escape plan is still a work in progress. To make matters worse, Daela finds out that her brother’s kidnapper plans to sacrifice him in a dark ritual that will unravel the spell and free everyone from the lethal world. Daela must make a choice: let her brother die, or condemn a race she once despised to the same fate.
THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR is a 70,000 word YA fantasy with series potential.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
When Daela Stark witnesses her half-brother’s kidnapping by an enemy long forgotten, no one believes her except Trey, her brother’s favorite inter-dimensional smuggler.
With Trey as a guide, Daela tracks her brother into Ethra, the desolate world where Trey’s people have been incarcerated for centuries. She learns the spell used to create Ethra is unstable, and the world itself is consuming its inhabitants. Daela also realizes she's developing feelings for Trey, which makes her dilemma all the worse when she learns the kidnapper's plan is to sacrifice Daela's brother in a dark ritual that will unravel the spell and free everyone from Ethra. Daela can either let her brother die, or condemn Trey's people.
Even if she does the selfish thing, there's no guarantee she won't get Trey and her brother killed anyway. Getting into Ethra was the easy part. Daela hasn't admitted to anyone that her escape plan is still a work in progress.
THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR is a 70,000 word YA fantasy with series potential.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Daela Stark has no magic in her, a revelation which plunges her status from noble to the scrap on every beggar’s shoe. When she witnesses her half-brother’s kidnapping by an enemy long forgotten, no one believes her -- no one except Trey, her brother’s favorite smuggler and sometimes friend. But help is scarce, and even a coward who turned on his people’s faith to escape imprisonment is better than nothing.
With Trey as a guide, Daela tracks her brother into Ethra, the desolate world where Trey’s people have been incarcerated for centuries. There, they learn that the spell used to create Ethra has become unstable, and that the world itself is consuming its inhabitants. With death courting their every step, Daela finds herself growing closer to Trey, and must let go of her prejudices and realize that neither he nor his people are the vile monsters she’d grown up believing.
But getting into Ethra turns out to be the easy part. Now they have to get out, and Daela’s escape plan is still a work in progress. To make matters worse, Daela finds out that her brother’s kidnapper plans to sacrifice him in a dark ritual that will unravel the spell and free everyone from the lethal world. Daela must make a choice: let her brother die, or condemn a race she once despised to the same fate.
THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR is a 70,000 word YA fantasy with series potential.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When Daela Stark witnesses her half-brother’s kidnapping by an enemy long forgotten, no one believes her except Trey, her brother’s favorite inter-dimensional smuggler.
With Trey as a guide, Daela tracks her brother into Ethra, the desolate world where Trey’s people have been incarcerated for centuries. She learns the spell used to create Ethra is unstable, and the world itself is consuming its inhabitants. Daela also realizes she's developing feelings for Trey, which makes her dilemma all the worse when she learns the kidnapper's plan is to sacrifice Daela's brother in a dark ritual that will unravel the spell and free everyone from Ethra. Daela can either let her brother die, or condemn Trey's people.
Even if she does the selfish thing, there's no guarantee she won't get Trey and her brother killed anyway. Getting into Ethra was the easy part. Daela hasn't admitted to anyone that her escape plan is still a work in progress.
THE GIRL IN THE MIRROR is a 70,000 word YA fantasy with series potential.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Query #39: YA Novel by Anonymous
This query is from an anonymous author for a (YA, I think) novel with a secret title. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
As the only human and female in a pack of werewolves, Danika Keller has never felt like she belonged. Ever since she watched the class pet die and felt its bones breaking as if they were under her own skin. She hasn’t fit in at school or at home.
When she meets a mysterious boy with a healing touch and a starving mountain lion talks to her, Dani begins to suspect she is something more than human.
But nothing could have prepared her for the truth – Dani is heir to the Animal Kingdom and is the key to ending a deadly thousand-year feud. Now Dani will discover how far she will go to save a broken realm and those she cares about, from an evil court and . . . choose between the love of two boys; a Prince whose marriage to will help end the war or a werewolf who has sworn to serve her.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
As the only human in a pack of werewolves, Danika Keller just doesn't belong. But when she meets a boy with a healing touch, and a starving mountain lion talks to her, Dani realizes she's more than she ever suspected.
Dani is heir to the Animal Kingdom. If she [doesn't get involved in stopping their big feud], [something awful happens, preferably to someone she has grown to like]. Dani [does something to try to help the situation], but [something goes wrong with that plan, which makes things worse.] She [tries something else to make things better], but [obstacles again arise, again making the situation even more dangerous.]
Now, Dani must [make some horrible choice or place herself/her loved ones in danger] or [something really awful happens to both her and her loved ones.]
(See the comments section for my suggestions on how to fill in the blanks!)
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
As the only human and female in a pack of werewolves, Danika Keller has never felt like she belonged. Ever since she watched the class pet die and felt its bones breaking as if they were under her own skin. She hasn’t fit in at school or at home.
When she meets a mysterious boy with a healing touch and a starving mountain lion talks to her, Dani begins to suspect she is something more than human.
But nothing could have prepared her for the truth – Dani is heir to the Animal Kingdom and is the key to ending a deadly thousand-year feud. Now Dani will discover how far she will go to save a broken realm and those she cares about, from an evil court and . . . choose between the love of two boys; a Prince whose marriage to will help end the war or a werewolf who has sworn to serve her.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
As the only human in a pack of werewolves, Danika Keller just doesn't belong. But when she meets a boy with a healing touch, and a starving mountain lion talks to her, Dani realizes she's more than she ever suspected.
Dani is heir to the Animal Kingdom. If she [doesn't get involved in stopping their big feud], [something awful happens, preferably to someone she has grown to like]. Dani [does something to try to help the situation], but [something goes wrong with that plan, which makes things worse.] She [tries something else to make things better], but [obstacles again arise, again making the situation even more dangerous.]
Now, Dani must [make some horrible choice or place herself/her loved ones in danger] or [something really awful happens to both her and her loved ones.]
(See the comments section for my suggestions on how to fill in the blanks!)
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
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