This query is from an anonymous writer for (I think) a YA Fantasy novel. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
The first rule is to fear the witches. Seventeen-year-old Princess Elise knows she should, especially after the bloody Witches’ Revolution. But there are things that frighten her much, much more.
The second rule is to stay away from the witches. Elise can’t do that anymore. Her father has just made one his queen.
The third rule is to never, ever cross the witches. Now it’s too late. When her eleven older brothers get in the way of the new queen’s scheme to destroy their country, they're turned into swans. Elise is the only one to escape the queen – and their only hope.
Saving them means risking her life. Worse, it means breaking the only rules she’s ever bothered to follow.
But then again, some rules are made to be broken.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
The first rule is fear the witches. Seventeen-year-old Princess Elise knows she should, especially after the bloody Witches’ Revolution, but there are things that frighten her far, far more.
The second rule is stay away from the witches. Elise can’t do that anymore. Her father just made one his queen.
The third rule is never, ever cross the witches, but now it’s too late. Her brothers got in the way of the queen’s scheme to destroy their country, and she turned them into swans. Elise is the only one to escape. She's their only hope.
Saving them means breaking the only rules she’s ever bothered to follow. Saving them means risking her life and her nation's future.
But not saving them is not an option.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
The first rule is to fear the witches. Seventeen-year-old Princess Elise knows she should, especially after the bloody Witches’ Revolution. But there are things that frighten her much, much more.
The second rule is to stay away from the witches. Elise can’t do that anymore. Her father has just made one his queen.
The third rule is to never, ever cross the witches. Now it’s too late. When her eleven older brothers get in the way of the new queen’s scheme to destroy their country, they're turned into swans. Elise is the only one to escape the queen – and their only hope.
Saving them means risking her life. Worse, it means breaking the only rules she’s ever bothered to follow.
But then again, some rules are made to be broken.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
The first rule is fear the witches. Seventeen-year-old Princess Elise knows she should, especially after the bloody Witches’ Revolution, but there are things that frighten her far, far more.
The second rule is stay away from the witches. Elise can’t do that anymore. Her father just made one his queen.
The third rule is never, ever cross the witches, but now it’s too late. Her brothers got in the way of the queen’s scheme to destroy their country, and she turned them into swans. Elise is the only one to escape. She's their only hope.
Saving them means breaking the only rules she’s ever bothered to follow. Saving them means risking her life and her nation's future.
But not saving them is not an option.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
