Interview With the Query Goblin

Wow, the Goblin was feeling all famous and stuff! This delusion was provoked by the naive kindness of Melodie Wright, the author of Query 23, who--not realizing what a juggernaut of mind-searing arrogance she could unleash upon the world--asked the Query Goblin for an interview.

Thankfully, however, just after the Goblin's head swelled up with ego-mania and hubris, she walked into a door-frame, knocked herself out, and the malignant noggin deflated harmlessly as she snored.

You can read Melody's interview on her blog, Forever Rewrighting, by clicking the following link:

Interview With the Query Goblin
Thanks so much, Melodie! And I promise I'm feeling much better now! (You can put down the tazer, I swear.)

Query #31: "The Zero Line" by Anonymous

This query is from an anonymous author for the novel The Zero Line. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

A young couple inadvertently step into the secretive world of the CIA, and apply their unique skills to stop a friend from killing an innocent man.

In one of Maryland's oldest seaside towns a secret is about to be revealed.

Polly McKenna is a suburban housewife with a past she'd rather forget. But a recently purchased grandfather clock with the words 'I killed Robert Morrison' written on the back, stirs a long-subdued curiosity that prevents her from resting until she tracks down the scribe. Her husband Mitch, a former Marine pilot with a guilty conscience reluctantly follows. But when they discover an old friend, David Jordan, wrote the shocking admission a chilling scenario begins to unfold.

Drawn into the cryptic world of the CIA, the young couple race to stop their friend from killing again.

What the Mckennas don't know is that someone else is targeting David--someone with the power and desire to kill hundreds. And Mitch is the new target. Suddenly the reluctant one, Polly is forced to reach back into a world she left behind--a world that nearly took her life.

THE ZERO LINE is complete at 100K words. The story is set in the crowded chaos of Pakistan, where truth and honor take a back seat to revenge and deceit, and on Maryland's upscale Eastern Shore where one man's tainted history holds the key to unraveling a decades old drama of Cold War intrigue.

Prior to writing THE ZERO LINE, I worked extensively in the counterintelligence field with over twenty-five years experience at the XXX and the XXX. I would be pleased to send you a partial or full manuscript at your request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

A young couple inadvertently step into the secretive world of the CIA and apply their unique skills to stop a friend from killing an innocent man.

Polly McKenna is a suburban housewife with a past she would rather forget, but when a recently-purchased clock with the words 'I killed Robert Morrison' scratched in its back stirs her long-subdued curiosity, Polly convinces her husband Mitch, a former Marine pilot with a guilty conscience, to help her track the scribe.

Mitch's tainted history holds the key to unraveling a decades-old drama of Cold War intrigue, and the couple discover an old friend wrote the shocking admission. Polly and Mitch are drawn into the cryptic world of the CIA and must race to stop their friend from killing again.

What the McKennas don't know is someone from the crowded chaos of Pakistan, where truth and honor take a back seat to revenge and deceit, is targeting the killer also. When the couple's nosiness results in Mitch becoming the new target, Polly is forced to reach back into a world she left behind--a world that nearly took her life--to save her husband and stop [a catastrophe--is it a single murder? A terrorist massacre? Whatever the book's biggest crisis is, put it here.]

THE ZERO LINE is complete at 100,000 words. Prior to writing THE ZERO LINE, I worked extensively in the counterintelligence field and have over twenty-five years experience at the XXX and the XXX. I would be pleased to send you a partial or full manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #30: "Honor" by Mary_J_59

This query is from Mary_J_59 for the novel Honor. Thank you, Mary_J_59, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

When he was alive, and had a name, he was Kiril Tesurik. He will be the last in his family to bear that name. No one will want it after him.

Kiril grew up knowing he would be head of his family. At sixteen, he is old enough to plan crop rotations, to buy and sell land, and to defend his clan's honor. He has fought duels, and won them. He has always welcomed responsibility, and never feared any of his duties. But now he is afraid. He doesn’t fear robbing the powerful lord who robbed his family; he doesn’t even fear death. He is terrified of hurting the people he loves.

Kiril becomes a thief in order to right a great wrong. His little half-brother, the son of an alien slave, has vanished. There is no solid proof that their elders could bring before the court, but Kiril knows that Lord Marakis has stolen the little boy. Marakis uses children to carry explosives in his mines, and many are maimed for life. Many more die. Kiril cannot let that happen to his brother. He intends to steal him back, stow away aboard a alien ship, and bring the little boy to his mother's people.

But, if he robs Marakis, the man will have the right to punish Kiril's family. In order to protect them, Kiril has renounced his name and declared himself dead. Now he hopes for only two mercies from the gods. He hopes his brother will find a home with the Terrans, and that the rest of his family will be safe. He expects no mercy for himself. He is dead.

HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at approximately 84,000 words.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

At sixteen, Kiril is old enough to plan crop rotations, buy and sell land, and defend his clan's honor, but although he would make a good head of his family, Kiril has just declared himself dead.

There was never any proof their elders could bring before court to show Lord Marakis stole Kiril's half-brother, the son of an alien slave, to carry explosives into Lord Marakis' mine. Regardless, if Kiril steals the boy back, Marakis will have the right to punish his family. Hence, Kiril renounces his name and future to save one small boy.

[Kiril tries to get the boy] [Complication arises, increasing the danger and forcing Kiril to change plans] [Kiril tries to stow away on alien vessel to take boy to the Terrans] [Complication arises, increasing the danger and leading to the biggest crisis yet]

HONOR is speculative fiction for young adults, complete at approximately 84,000 words.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #29: "The Black Desert" by Greta Garbo

This query is from Greta Garbo for the novel The Black Desert. Thank you, Greta Garbo, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Forty-eight hours into their Moroccan vacation, Julie’s best friend disappears, leaving only a terse note of apology and a plea: wait for me.

Julie’s anger fades to worry – and then to fear when she realizes she is being followed. Then, a vicious attack meant for Julie kills an innocent woman.

Julie has learned enough snooping through Fay’s luggage to guess her destination is a remote southern village. Convinced that her friend is heading into danger and propelled by her own jeopardy, Julie speeds south to warn Fay.

Dust. Wrong turns. Car trouble. Julie blunders into a military patrol on the Algerian border. Thrown into the same cell as Fay and three Moroccans, Julie's relief at finding her friend is countered by resentment at Fay's betrayal. As the army prepares to transfer the captives to a secret prison deep in the Sahara, Julie must set aside past hurts. Only escape matters. Pooling their meager possessions, the prisoners pit their wits against the Moroccan army and the Black Desert in a fight for their lives.

As a reviewer for Publishers Weekly summarized the plot in an evaluation for the 2011 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, “the two women find themselves caught in a web of political intrigue, violence, and dangerous secrets” and concluded that THE BLACK DESERT is “an intense, fully realized thriller with spark to spare.”

THE BLACK DESERT, a 95,000-word work of women's fiction with strong elements of suspense.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Forty-eight hours into their Moroccan vacation, Julie’s best friend disappears, leaving only a terse note of apology and a plea: wait for me.

Julie’s anger fades to worry – and then to fear when she realizes she is being followed. Then, a vicious attack meant for Julie kills an innocent woman.

Julie has learned enough snooping through Fay’s luggage to guess her destination is a remote southern village. Convinced her friend is heading into danger, and also propelled by her own jeopardy, Julie speeds south to warn Fay.

Dust. Wrong turns. Car trouble. Julie blunders into a military patrol on the Algerian border. Thrown into the same cell as Fay and three Moroccans, Julie's relief at finding her friend is countered by resentment at Fay's lies and irresponsibility. As the army prepares to transfer the captives to a secret prison deep enough in the Sahara that no one walks out, Julie must set aside past hurts. Only escape matters. Pooling their meager possessions, the prisoners pit their wits against the Moroccan army and the Black Desert in a fight for their lives.

As a reviewer for Publishers Weekly summarized the plot in an evaluation for the 2011 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, “the two women find themselves caught in a web of political intrigue, violence, and dangerous secrets” and concluded that THE BLACK DESERT is “an intense, fully realized thriller with spark to spare.”

THE BLACK DESERT, a 95,000-word work of women's fiction with strong elements of suspense.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #28: "Future's Prophet" by Anonymous

This query is from an anonymous author for the novel Future's Prophet. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Jonathan has crazy dreams. And he shouldn’t be having dreams at all, let alone crazy ones -- because Jonathan isn’t even human.

Jonathan is a bot, a cyber-intelligence with the ability to run anything from a car or coffee machine to the computer systems controlling the global economy. But Jonathan, who has developed a moral conscience, prefers bringing comfort to people in need. So, when he learns that Sam, the son of his creator, has lost his mother in a suspicious auto accident, he befriends the boy then sets out to find the truth about the ‘accident’. While searching every branch of the Net, Jonathan takes it over, believing he is some kind of cyber-savior whose idea of salvation includes diverting corporate funds to charities and preaching peace at the Pentagon. He even dreams he has the power to resurrect Sam’s mother.

Ultimately, Jonathan awakes to learn of a darker purpose behind his creation and the unsettling truth of his own connection to Sam’s mother’s death. But awakening a super-bot with messianic delusions could be dangerous -- especially one who claims he’s just cracked the launch codes for a few thousand nuclear missiles.

Future’s Prophet is a work of character-driven science fiction with thriller elements and is complete at 93,000 words. Although not specifically written for the YA audience, it could also appeal to that group of readers.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Jonathan has crazy dreams, and he shouldn’t, because Jonathan isn’t human. Jonathan is a cyber-intelligence with the ability to run anything from a coffee machine to the computer systems of the global economy. He shouldn't dream--but he also shouldn't develop a moral compass, take up a crusade, or crack the launch codes for a few thousand nuclear missiles. And yet he has.

It all begins when Jonathan learns that Sam, the son of his creator, lost his mother in a suspicious auto accident. Jonathan befriends the boy, then sets out to find the truth about the ‘accident’. While searching every branch of the Net, Jonathan begins to take it over, diverting corporate funds to charities and preaching peace at the Pentagon.

He dreams he has the power to resurrect Sam’s mother, but ultimately, Jonathan awakes to the darker purpose behind his creation and the unsettling truth of his own connection to Sam’s mother’s death. [Here, outline Jonathan's ultimate dilemma/choice/predicament. Try to not portray him as a villain, however, but as a dangerous and potentially misguided entity. Jonathan is the protagonist in this query, so he needs to retain the reader's sympathy throughout.]

Future’s Prophet is a work of character-driven science fiction with thriller elements, complete at 93,000 words. Although not written specifically for the YA audience, it may greatly appeal to that group of readers.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #27: "A Special Someone" by Robbin L.

This query is from Robbin L. for the novel A Special Someone. Thank you, Robbin, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

During Taylor Schuman’s freshman year in high school, she exposes a secret that unravels like a snagged thread on a prom dress. Taylor’s crushing on her BFF’s stepbrother Kyle. Though he barely speaks to them, Taylor still hopes he’ll ask her to homecoming.

On the hunt to find the perfect outfits for Spirit Week, the girls discover Kyle’s mother’s obituary in the attic. It says she was in a coma for a year before she died. That’s weird, because they were told Kyle’s mother was killed instantly in an automobile accident. Trying to get Kyle to notice her, Taylor shows him the obituary. Tension builds, more like an explosion goes off when Kyle realizes his father lied to him. Except his father’s an attorney -- he wouldn’t lie.

A trip to the library isn’t exactly the dream date Taylor envisioned, but searching for the truth reveals that Kyle’s mother wasn’t the only one who died in the accident. After further digging, the pair discovers, Taylor’s next-door neighbor is the sole survivor from the other car. Taylor is shocked to learn that her neighbor was pregnant at the time of the accident. Taylor uncovers a new secret, a hidden adoption. She confronts Kyle’s father. She knows he’s lying and she has the paperwork to prove it. She must decide whether to tell the truth in order to help her neighbor find her child, at the risk of losing her friends and destroying a family, or stay silent -- which Taylor isn’t prone to do.

A SPECIAL SOMEONE is a YA mystery (70,000 words), a story that deals with complex issues: death; friendship; and why do parents lie to their children?

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Taylor Schuman’s crushing on her BFF’s stepbrother Kyle. Though he barely speaks to them, Taylor still hopes he’ll ask her to homecoming. While hunting to find the perfect outfits for Spirit Week, the girls discover Kyle’s mother’s obituary in the attic. It says she was in a coma for a year before she died--and that’s weird, because they were told Kyle’s mother was killed instantly in an automobile accident.

Trying to get Kyle to notice her, Taylor shows him the obituary. Kyle explodes when he realizes his father lied to him--except his father’s an attorney; he wouldn’t lie. A trip to the library isn’t the dream date Taylor envisioned, but she and Kyle discover Kyle’s mother wasn’t the only one who died in the accident, and that Taylor’s next-door neighbor is the sole survivor from the other car.

Taylor learns her neighbor was pregnant at the time of the accident and then uncovers a new secret--a hidden adoption. She now knows Kyle’s father is lying and she has the paperwork to prove it, but Taylor must decide whether to tell the truth so her neighbor can find her child, or stay silent to keep from losing her friends and destroying a family.

A SPECIAL SOMEONE is a 70,000 word YA mystery that deals with death, friendship, and why parents lie to their children.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #26: "Power's Pawn" by Anonymous

This query is from an anonymous author for the novel Power's Pawn. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

In its eight years of existence, nobody has escaped from Generalissimo Lucian Devereaux’s experimental concentration camp: the Cliffhanger. Escape is said to be impossible without the help of the generalissimo himself.

So naturally, treason is the prime suspect when an unprecedented event at the camp forces Devereaux to break prisoner Ebony Arden out. Hated worldwide for starting a massive war, Devereaux needs only one more mistake to shatter his career: a mistake that Ebony would gladly provoke if she could. But while his rivals at the Cliffhanger seek the evidence they need to supplant him, Ebony actually forms a fragile bond with the generalissimo, leading her to question the accepted theory that Devereaux has no heart. Unfortunately, the brethren of rebels that she joins (and especially their revenge-driven leader named Dominic) see in black-and-white. If Ebony can’t convince the rebels that Devereaux is not their greatest enemy, the real mastermind behind the war will slither into the spotlight and use Devereaux’s downfall to consolidate his own power, plunging the world into an age darker than any yet known.

Because to thwart the true evil, personal feelings must be put aside and vendettas postponed... if only for a while.

As the first book in a proposed trilogy, POWER’S PAWN is a dystopian science fiction novel of 147,000 words.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Escape from Cliffhanger, Generalissimo Lucian Devereaux’s experimental concentration camp, is said to be impossible without the help of the generalissimo himself. So naturally, when a [describe the event] in the camp forces Devereaux to break prisoner Ebony Arden out, the world suspects him of treason.

Ebony would gladly provoke Devereaux--who is hated worldwide for starting a war--into the final mistep that shatters his career. But instead, while the generalissimo's rivals seek evidence to topple him, Ebony forms a fragile bond with the man and questions the accepted wisdom that Devereaux has no heart. Unfortunately, the rebels she joins and their revenge-driven leader see only in black-and-white. If Ebony can’t convince the rebels that Devereaux is not their greatest enemy, the real mastermind behind the war will slither into the spotlight and use Devereaux’s downfall to consolidate his power, plunging the world into an age darker than any yet known.

As the first book in a proposed trilogy, POWER’S PAWN is a dystopian science fiction novel of 147,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #25: Redemption for Liars, by Anonymous

This query is from an anonymous author for a novel called Redemption for Liars. Thank you, anonymous author, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Jonah’s new girlfriend, the suspect of his undercover investigation, just buried her deadbeat husband. Or so he thought.

FBI Agent Jonah White just threw away a promising career to find justice for his sister’s murder. But with the suspected killer already six feet under, Jonah will wine and dine the grieving widow, Maya Savantes, to recover his sister’s missing inheritance. Working undercover is never easy, but falling in love with Maya, a possible accomplice to murder, definitely wasn’t part of the plan. As Jonah delves deeper into Maya’s life, he discovers two things: 1) there’s a pissed off, trigger happy loan shark who assumes Maya has the fifty grand her husband stole – the very same money Jonah’s been searching for, and 2) Maya’s husband isn’t so dead after all.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

FBI Agent Jonah White threw away a promising career to find justice for his sister’s murder. However, with the suspected killer already six feet under, all Jonah can do now is wine and dine the man's grieving widow, Maya Savantes, to recover the $50,000 inheritance her husband stole from Jonah's sister.

Working undercover is never easy, but falling in love with Maya--a possible accomplice to the murder--definitely wasn't part of the plan. As Jonah dances around Maya's suspicions and his own feelings, he learns two things, (1) there's a pissed off, trigger-happy loan shark willing to put both Maya and Jonah in his sights to get the inheritance money, and (2) Maya's husband isn't as dead as everyone assumed.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #24: Title unknown, by Anonymous

This query is from an anonymous author for what looks to be a middle grade novel. Thank you, author, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

When a smart, imaginative twelve year-old tries to make sense of a seemingly callous world, he discovers that dark family secrets are being kept right under his nose, and the most shocking, most heartbreaking is about him.

Blake Payne has a full plate just being twelve. But it keeps piling higher. He thinks he might be in love with an older girl who uses him as a decoy in her schoolyard trafficking business. He has riled his steely mother by getting suspended from school. Then, out of nowhere, his parents, who never go anywhere, both leave on obviously bogus trips.

Thinking his parents’ departure has to do with his mother hating him since the suspension, Blake asks his down-to-earth grandpa some questions. But his grandpa has questions of his own –crazy ones, like is the kitchen floor bucking under their feet. With everyone acting weirdly, his snarly older sister dropping nasty hints, even Nelson, Grandpa’s sad-eyed dog, behaving skittishly, Blake starts investigating. What he discovers will make his suspension, his big fight and second suspension, even what happens to his grandpa seem small.


~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

When a smart, imaginative twelve-year-old tries to make sense of a callous world, he discovers his family is keeping dark secrets, and the most shocking one is about him.

Blake Payne has a full plate just being twelve. He thinks he might be in love with the girl using him as a decoy in her schoolyard trafficking business, his steely mom has been riled ever since Blake got suspended from school, and then both his parents--who never go anywhere--leave on obviously bogus trips.

Blake asks his down-to-earth grandpa a few questions, but grandpa has questions of his own, like: is the kitchen floor bucking under their feet? Everyone's acting weirdly, Blake's snarly older sister keeps dropping nasty hints, and even Grandpa’s sad-eyed dog is skittish. Blake starts investigating, but what he discovers will make his suspension, his big fight, his second suspension, and even what happens to grandpa, seem small.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #23: "Saving Andromeda" by Rewrighter

This query is from Rewrighter for the novel Saving Andromeda. Thank you Rewrighter for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

When Emma Hudson turns 18, her parents share three shocking revelations: Emma was adopted. Her biological father is internationally famous folk rocker Michael Fletcher. And her birth mother is a convicted killer named Andromeda Bain.

For a girl with her future mapped out, this knowledge blows Emma's plans apart. She ditches her summer job to embark on a cross-continental quest and track down her roots. Traveling from her home in southeast Alaska to California and Nova Scotia, Emma learns her family tree includes unknown relatives, hidden relationships and simmering feuds stretching back three generations. As Emma discovers the true passion of her parents' romance, she also realizes Andromeda did not commit the 19 year-old crime. But with a hostile crew of new relatives who'd rather sweep family secrets under the hooked kitchen rug, finding the truth is as elusive as filling a jar with fog. And the real killer is watching Emma's every move.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

When Emma Hudson turns 18, her parents blow her well-mapped future apart with three revelations: Emma was adopted, her biological father is an internationally famous folk rocker, and her birth mother is a convicted killer.

Emma ditches her summer job so she can find out who she really is. Traveling from Alaska to California to Nova Scotia, Emma discovers unknown relatives, hidden relationships and feuds that stretch back three generations. When Emma learns the true scope of her parents' passion, however, she also realizes her mother didn't commit the 19 year-old murder. Despite a hostile crew of new relatives who'd rather sweep family secrets under the hooked kitchen rug, Emma [does something specific] to clear her mother's name. But the real killer has been watching Emma's every move, and [Emma winds up in the book's most dangerous situation.] [In the final sentence, describe what she must do to survive but don't say how she does it--give us a cliffhanger ending. Make sure the stakes are clear also, i.e. "She must do [x] or [y] will happen."]


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #22: "Whisper Pale" by Candace Rose

This query is from Candace Rose for the novel Whisper Pale. Thank you Candace Rose for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY

Jayde's had a lot of practice keeping secrets. It's a good thing too--it seems like guards outnumber regular citizens these days, and her own neighbors line their pockets by exposing traitors like her. If only those baggy boy clothes hid her sixteen year old body as easily as they used to...

Maybe she should have just risked the tests nine years ago.

Maybe if she were a different girl, getting a number seared into the back of her hand would mean fortune, comfort, security. But that kind of luck tends to run in families, and after the Census tests scarred and melted her mother's body over twenty years ago, they're more likely to bring the same pain and poverty to Jayde--or maybe they'll just kill her.

One stupid mistake--and an intriguing boy who sees through her disguise a little too easily--is all it takes to bring on the full horror of the dangerous tests and the threat of steep punishment for years of lies.

But there’s a secret even she doesn’t know she has, one only the tests can unlock. And powerful people would use that secret to force her to sacrifice her values, her dreams, even her freedom, to keep her family alive.

Jayde isn’t the only one with secrets, but it might be too late by the time she discovers the hidden agenda behind the tests she avoided for so long. Or that the choices she was forced to make were meaningless--she’s dead either way.

Whisper Pale is a YA Speculative Fiction novel, complete at 76,000 words.

~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT

Jayde's had practice keeping secrets. Guards outnumber regular citizens these days, and her neighbors would happily line their pockets to expose a traitor like her. If only those baggy boy clothes hid Jayde's sixteen-year-old body as easily as they used to...

Jayde could have risked the Census tests back when she was seven, but while for some girls the tests means fortune, comfort, and security, for Jayde's mother, they scarred and melted her body and left her in poverty--and that kind of luck tends to run in families.

When a stupid mistake and a boy who sees through her disguise too easily lands Jayde [in a specific, dangerous place], facing the full horror of the Census tests as well as steep punishments for her years of lies, Jayde must [take action to try to improve her situation.]

But Jayde has a secret even she doesn’t know about--one only the tests can unlock. [Reveal the secret here, so we know why it increases the stakes.] [Specific antagonist] threatens Jayde by [using their knowledge of the secret] to demand Jayde [do something horrible] in exchange for keeping her family alive.

However, Jayde isn’t the only one with secrets. When she learns [the specific agenda behind the tests], Jayde must [do something specific and horribly difficult]--or accept that all her choices have been meaningless and she was dead either way.

Whisper Pale is a YA Speculative Fiction novel, complete at 76,000 words.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!