Thursday, July 28, 2011

Query #29: "The Black Desert" by Greta Garbo

This query is from Greta Garbo for the novel The Black Desert. Thank you, Greta Garbo, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

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ORIGINAL QUERY

Forty-eight hours into their Moroccan vacation, Julie’s best friend disappears, leaving only a terse note of apology and a plea: wait for me.

Julie’s anger fades to worry – and then to fear when she realizes she is being followed. Then, a vicious attack meant for Julie kills an innocent woman.

Julie has learned enough snooping through Fay’s luggage to guess her destination is a remote southern village. Convinced that her friend is heading into danger and propelled by her own jeopardy, Julie speeds south to warn Fay.

Dust. Wrong turns. Car trouble. Julie blunders into a military patrol on the Algerian border. Thrown into the same cell as Fay and three Moroccans, Julie's relief at finding her friend is countered by resentment at Fay's betrayal. As the army prepares to transfer the captives to a secret prison deep in the Sahara, Julie must set aside past hurts. Only escape matters. Pooling their meager possessions, the prisoners pit their wits against the Moroccan army and the Black Desert in a fight for their lives.

As a reviewer for Publishers Weekly summarized the plot in an evaluation for the 2011 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, “the two women find themselves caught in a web of political intrigue, violence, and dangerous secrets” and concluded that THE BLACK DESERT is “an intense, fully realized thriller with spark to spare.”

THE BLACK DESERT, a 95,000-word work of women's fiction with strong elements of suspense.

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GOBLIN-EDIT

Forty-eight hours into their Moroccan vacation, Julie’s best friend disappears, leaving only a terse note of apology and a plea: wait for me.

Julie’s anger fades to worry – and then to fear when she realizes she is being followed. Then, a vicious attack meant for Julie kills an innocent woman.

Julie has learned enough snooping through Fay’s luggage to guess her destination is a remote southern village. Convinced her friend is heading into danger, and also propelled by her own jeopardy, Julie speeds south to warn Fay.

Dust. Wrong turns. Car trouble. Julie blunders into a military patrol on the Algerian border. Thrown into the same cell as Fay and three Moroccans, Julie's relief at finding her friend is countered by resentment at Fay's lies and irresponsibility. As the army prepares to transfer the captives to a secret prison deep enough in the Sahara that no one walks out, Julie must set aside past hurts. Only escape matters. Pooling their meager possessions, the prisoners pit their wits against the Moroccan army and the Black Desert in a fight for their lives.

As a reviewer for Publishers Weekly summarized the plot in an evaluation for the 2011 Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award, “the two women find themselves caught in a web of political intrigue, violence, and dangerous secrets” and concluded that THE BLACK DESERT is “an intense, fully realized thriller with spark to spare.”

THE BLACK DESERT, a 95,000-word work of women's fiction with strong elements of suspense.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

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