Query # 48: Untitled by Anonymous (YA fantasy)

This query is from an anonymous writer for (I think) a YA Fantasy novel. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

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ORIGINAL QUERY

The first rule is to fear the witches. Seventeen-year-old Princess Elise knows she should, especially after the bloody Witches’ Revolution. But there are things that frighten her much, much more.

The second rule is to stay away from the witches. Elise can’t do that anymore. Her father has just made one his queen.

The third rule is to never, ever cross the witches. Now it’s too late. When her eleven older brothers get in the way of the new queen’s scheme to destroy their country, they're turned into swans. Elise is the only one to escape the queen – and their only hope.

Saving them means risking her life. Worse, it means breaking the only rules she’s ever bothered to follow.

But then again, some rules are made to be broken.

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GOBLIN-EDIT

The first rule is fear the witches. Seventeen-year-old Princess Elise knows she should, especially after the bloody Witches’ Revolution, but there are things that frighten her far, far more.

The second rule is stay away from the witches. Elise can’t do that anymore. Her father just made one his queen.

The third rule is never, ever cross the witches, but now it’s too late. Her brothers got in the way of the queen’s scheme to destroy their country, and she turned them into swans. Elise is the only one to escape. She's their only hope.

Saving them means breaking the only rules she’s ever bothered to follow. Saving them means risking her life and her nation's future.

But not saving them is not an option.


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Query #47: "Vanishing Valerie" by J. Q. Trotter (YA Fantasy)

This query is from J. Q. Trotter for the novel Vanishing Valerie. Thank you, Jacqueline, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

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ORIGINAL QUERY

Valerie Latimer never knew her bio-parents, not that she cried herself to sleep about it. It would have been nice if they left a note with her as they ditched her at that orphanage. If they had, it would have given her a much needed heads up:

• Your violet-eyes mean you have a dash of demon blood in you. Don't worry; it was probably just your great-great-great-grandpa that was really a demon.
• Heaven and Hell are at war, though stuck in standstill. Once you turn fifteen, you'll have to pick a side.
• It's been foreseen you're a key to Hell's most powerful portal. That'll finally win us the war. Do me proud, kido.

Nope, Valerie has to learn all this in a one-day crash course. At least the stranger turns out to be of angelic descendent and rather handsome, albeit an egocentric asshole. Regardless of her heritage, she's given the free will to choose her side.

She's compelled to do the opposite of what her demon blood tells her to do and picks Heaven. Too bad a girl with a coveted Hell trait could never be trusted by angels. If only she knew, she might have just gone back to being the Latimers' violet-eyed freak forever instead of trying her luck at Heaven's academy for talented descendants.

VANISHING VALIERE is a 87,000 YA fantasy.

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GOBLIN-EDIT

Valerie Latimer never knew her bio-parents, but it would have been nice if they left a note when they ditched her at that orphanage. It would have given her a much-needed heads up that:

• Your violet eyes mean you have a dash of demon blood. Don't worry; it was probably just your great-great-great-grandpa.
• Heaven and Hell are at war. When you turn fifteen, you have to pick a side.
• It's foretold you're a key to Hell's most powerful portal, and that'll finally win us the war. Do us proud, kiddo.

Instead, Valerie learns all this in a one-day crash course from a rather handsome, albeit egocentric asshole of a stranger of angelic descendent. She's given the free will to choose her side, and Valerie does the opposite of what her demon blood tells her and picks Heaven.

Too bad a girl with a coveted Hell trait could never be trusted by angels. In Heaven's academy for talented descendants [she comes up against obstacles, discovers some great danger, and is forced to act to avert a catastrophe.]

VANISHING VALERIE is an 87,000-word YA fantasy.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!