This query is from BubbleGumBetch for the novel The Unity. Thank you, BubbleGumBetch, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
20-year-old Marina Sonamreg has a lot on her shoulders: the death of her Gran, getting rid of her sleazy boyfriend Flenn, figuring out if she should go to University or not, and as you can see the list goes on. On top of all of that, Marina is convinced she is the only person that can see the strange activity occurring in the Unity, which is the tight-knit society she lives in: teenage kids are destructing public property, purple-masked figures running around the streets, and gas leaks are all re-occuring events that no one else seems to notice except for Marina.
Frequent nightmares are blending in with reality, which leaves Marina confused about what is real and what might be a result of her delusions. Even her best friend Nia advises her to seek help, and as the alienation from her friends makes her start to feel like she is going mental, Marina falls in love with a tall, blue-eyed boy named Taite. As a member of the “Guardians” protection system, Taite sees and knows about the problems that occur on the "Border" wall and he slowly begins to tell Marina that something supernatural is trying to break into their world—and it might be too late before Marina can do anything to stop it.
I have written my debut novel entitled "The Unity," which is a humorous Young Adult, Romance novel that has soft elements of Sci-Fi, and runs at 98,000 words. I believe it will appeal to readers who love fast-paced stories that are suspenseful, and although she is in the process of figuring out herself, Marina is a strong, independent girl that has the potential to serve as a great role model for women of all ages.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
20-year-old Marina Sonamreg is convinced she's the only person who can see the strange activity in the Unity, the tight-knit society she lives in. Teenage kids are destroying public property, purple-masked figures run in the streets, and gas leaks keep erupting, but no one except Marina seems to notice.
No one but Taite, the tall, blue-eyed boy who serves with the "Guardians" protection system. Taite tells Marina something supernatural is trying to break into the Unity, and it might be too late to stop it.
[Here, you need more description of the plot. What can Marina do to help the situation, and what does she try to do? What gets in her way? How do those obstacles make the situation worse? And finally, what's the worst situation Marina will find herself in? What will be at stake? What will be her choices? (Also, try to weave in how Taite becomes a love interest, since you state this is a romance.)]
THE UNITY is a 98,000-word Young Adult romance. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
20-year-old Marina Sonamreg has a lot on her shoulders: the death of her Gran, getting rid of her sleazy boyfriend Flenn, figuring out if she should go to University or not, and as you can see the list goes on. On top of all of that, Marina is convinced she is the only person that can see the strange activity occurring in the Unity, which is the tight-knit society she lives in: teenage kids are destructing public property, purple-masked figures running around the streets, and gas leaks are all re-occuring events that no one else seems to notice except for Marina.
Frequent nightmares are blending in with reality, which leaves Marina confused about what is real and what might be a result of her delusions. Even her best friend Nia advises her to seek help, and as the alienation from her friends makes her start to feel like she is going mental, Marina falls in love with a tall, blue-eyed boy named Taite. As a member of the “Guardians” protection system, Taite sees and knows about the problems that occur on the "Border" wall and he slowly begins to tell Marina that something supernatural is trying to break into their world—and it might be too late before Marina can do anything to stop it.
I have written my debut novel entitled "The Unity," which is a humorous Young Adult, Romance novel that has soft elements of Sci-Fi, and runs at 98,000 words. I believe it will appeal to readers who love fast-paced stories that are suspenseful, and although she is in the process of figuring out herself, Marina is a strong, independent girl that has the potential to serve as a great role model for women of all ages.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
20-year-old Marina Sonamreg is convinced she's the only person who can see the strange activity in the Unity, the tight-knit society she lives in. Teenage kids are destroying public property, purple-masked figures run in the streets, and gas leaks keep erupting, but no one except Marina seems to notice.
No one but Taite, the tall, blue-eyed boy who serves with the "Guardians" protection system. Taite tells Marina something supernatural is trying to break into the Unity, and it might be too late to stop it.
[Here, you need more description of the plot. What can Marina do to help the situation, and what does she try to do? What gets in her way? How do those obstacles make the situation worse? And finally, what's the worst situation Marina will find herself in? What will be at stake? What will be her choices? (Also, try to weave in how Taite becomes a love interest, since you state this is a romance.)]
THE UNITY is a 98,000-word Young Adult romance. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
