This query is from Freya Morris for the novel The Light of Emet. Thank you, Freya Morris, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Eleven-year-old Rose wakes up in hospital to be told she’s had a seizure, again. Yet, that doesn’t explain why she can now see pain, growth, love and hatred, all in the flesh. Beasts and creatures are walking amongst us.
Rose has been given the light of Emet, the sight of truth, but her best friend Pete has been cursed by Molech - hatred in its purest form. He tricked Pete by using a new scientific religion called Seudology to possess his soul. Even followers of the new religion look like the un-dead, as Rose sees them for the soulless slaves they’ve become.
Rose and Pete are in the middle of an age-old war. Love itself, Adonai, is fighting Molech for the souls of people on earth. With their fates set apart, Rose is determined to save Pete’s soul. She agrees to infiltrate the new religion but being able to see monsters doesn’t stop her from walking into a trap. Seudologists have been watching her since the beginning, and she might just lose her soul and Pete’s, forever.
THE LIGHT OF EMET is a 47,000-word children’s fantasy novel for 12-14 year olds.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Eleven-year-old Rose wakes in the hospital to be told she’s had another seizure, but that doesn’t explain why she now sees pain, growth, love and hatred in physical form. Beasts and creatures are walking amongst us.
Rose has been given the light of Emet, or 'the sight of truth'. Unfortunately, one thing she sees immediately is that her best friend Pete has been cursed by Molech--hatred in its purest form. Molech tricked Pete using a new religion called Seudology to steal his soul. To Rose, the followers of Seudology look undead because she sees them as the slaves they’ve become.
Love itself, Adonai, is fighting Molech for the souls of Earth's people. Rose is determined to save Pete, and when Adonai asks her to infiltrate the new religion, she agrees. However, being able to see monsters doesn’t stop her from walking into a trap. The Seudologists have been waiting for Rose, and now she might lose both her and Pete's souls forever.
THE LIGHT OF EMET is a 47,000 word upper middle grade fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Success Story!
TJ Robinson (Taylor) of Query #8, The Family Grim reports the following:
Just wanted to say thanks for the help. I'm working with my dream agent on the revision as we speak. Thanks again!Hurray, Taylor! Congratulations snagging the interest of an esteemed agent, and best of luck with your novel revisions. We hope to see your book on shelves soon!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
THE TABLES TURN!
Today, YOU are the Query Goblin!
The Goblin's alter ego, J. J. DeBenedictis, will be querying a novel soon, titled The Blooddrinker and the War Angel, and she'd very much appreciate your help in crafting a strong query letter. Please say, in the comment section, what you think could be improved in the following query--and thank you in advance for your willingness to help!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
On a planet once knocked from the space age to the stone age by war angels—humanity's most lethal and ungrateful inventions—genetic engineering has split the population into two species and an attempt at genocide is about to split it into three.
As a doctor and a pacifist, Wykham devotes his life to helping others, but when he tries to save a suicidal woman, he ends up infected with her 'blooddrinker' disease. Now only able to eat human flesh, Wykham believes killing himself the sole moral option, but before he can, a group determined to keep him alive kidnaps Wykham.
Baffled why anyone would provide charity to cannibals, Wykham soon learns the 'minority humans' who captured him used the remains of their ancestor’s technology to create the blooddrinker disease. Their virus only infects 'majority humans', and they intend to use it to eliminate that rival population.
Furious his life was destroyed so he could be turned into a weapon, Wykham tries to escape but is caught, chained, and left to starve in the sub-basements of his captors’ citadel. There, however, he discovers the minority humans’ most dangerous secret: They use a captured war angel to power their technology.
Wykham, with his freakish blooddrinker strength, is a match for the dying war angel, and they decide to team up long enough to escape. Once free, however, the war angel rampages through the minority humans’ home seeking vengeance—and more. Instead of fleeing the planet, as Wykham hoped, the war angel intends to become a god over it.
With humanity’s worst nightmare returned, and everybody he loves facing slavery, Wykham must put aside his self-loathing and scruples to accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.
~~~~~~~
YOUR-EDIT
Please tell me your thoughts in the comments, and thank you in advance to all who donate their time and expertise to helping me improve this query. I very much appreciate it!
ETA: New version now up in the comments!
ETA the second: An even newer version now up in the comments!
ETA the third: Is the third time the charm? In the comments, you can tell me!
The Goblin's alter ego, J. J. DeBenedictis, will be querying a novel soon, titled The Blooddrinker and the War Angel, and she'd very much appreciate your help in crafting a strong query letter. Please say, in the comment section, what you think could be improved in the following query--and thank you in advance for your willingness to help!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
On a planet once knocked from the space age to the stone age by war angels—humanity's most lethal and ungrateful inventions—genetic engineering has split the population into two species and an attempt at genocide is about to split it into three.
As a doctor and a pacifist, Wykham devotes his life to helping others, but when he tries to save a suicidal woman, he ends up infected with her 'blooddrinker' disease. Now only able to eat human flesh, Wykham believes killing himself the sole moral option, but before he can, a group determined to keep him alive kidnaps Wykham.
Baffled why anyone would provide charity to cannibals, Wykham soon learns the 'minority humans' who captured him used the remains of their ancestor’s technology to create the blooddrinker disease. Their virus only infects 'majority humans', and they intend to use it to eliminate that rival population.
Furious his life was destroyed so he could be turned into a weapon, Wykham tries to escape but is caught, chained, and left to starve in the sub-basements of his captors’ citadel. There, however, he discovers the minority humans’ most dangerous secret: They use a captured war angel to power their technology.
Wykham, with his freakish blooddrinker strength, is a match for the dying war angel, and they decide to team up long enough to escape. Once free, however, the war angel rampages through the minority humans’ home seeking vengeance—and more. Instead of fleeing the planet, as Wykham hoped, the war angel intends to become a god over it.
With humanity’s worst nightmare returned, and everybody he loves facing slavery, Wykham must put aside his self-loathing and scruples to accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.
~~~~~~~
YOUR-EDIT
Please tell me your thoughts in the comments, and thank you in advance to all who donate their time and expertise to helping me improve this query. I very much appreciate it!
ETA: New version now up in the comments!
ETA the second: An even newer version now up in the comments!
ETA the third: Is the third time the charm? In the comments, you can tell me!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Query #33: "Enoch's Device" by Anonymous
This query is from an anonymous author for the novel Enoch's Device. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
997 A.D. When a bishop arrives at an Irish monastery to accuse a senior monk of sorcery, Brother Ciaran, a resourceful scribe with a keen mind, learns the man who raised him like a father may burn at the stake. And if the accused is not put to death, the bishop warns, the souls of everyone in the monastery will be in peril as the End Times approach, one thousand years after the birth of Christ.
At first, Ciaran believes his mentor, Brother Donall, is innocent, but Ciaran’s faith is shaken when he discovers a book of forbidden magic in Donall’s cell. Donall insists the book is not evil, but records the secrets of the Fae, angels banished to earth in Antediluvian times. The bishop has come for the book as well because of the reference it contains to Enoch’s Device, an angelic weapon with the power to prevent the impending Apocalypse. Convinced mankind must suffer for its sins, the bishop is determined to ensure that whoever knows of the device ends up dead.
Ciaran chooses his faith in Donall over fears of heresy and helps him escape to find Enoch’s Device, which has left clues throughout history, from the fall of Atlantis to the Holy Roman Empire of Charlemagne. Aided by supernatural forces, the bishop and his men pursue the two monks, who must race from Ireland to Moorish Spain to unravel the mysteries surrounding the device and its location. But time is running out, and if Ciaran and Donall don’t find the device soon, everything they love could perish with the End of Days.
ENOCH’S DEVICE is a historical fantasy novel, complete at 122,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Stephen R. Lawhead, as well as fans of fiction based on Enochian myth, such as Danielle Trussoni’s ANGELOLOGY.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
A bishop arrives at an Irish monastery in 997 A.D. to accuse a senior monk of sorcery and warn that if the accused is not burned at the stake, the souls of everyone in the monastery will be in peril as the End Times approach, one thousand years after the birth of Christ.
Brother Ciaran believes his mentor Brother Donall is innocent, but Ciaran's faith is shaken when he discovers a book of magic in Donall’s cell. Donall insists the book is not evil, but records the secrets of the Fae, angels banished to earth in Antediluvian times. The book contains a reference to Enoch’s Device, an angelic weapon that can prevent the impending Apocalypse. The bishop, who is convinced mankind must suffer for its sins, wants everyone who knows of this device dead.
Ciaran chooses his faith in Donall over his fears of heresy and helps his mentor to escape. The bishop and his men, aided by supernatural forces, pursue the two monks, who must race from Ireland to Moorish Spain to unravel the mysteries surrounding the device and its location. But the End of Days approaches, and if Ciaran and Donall don’t find the device soon, the world and everything they love in it will perish.
ENOCH’S DEVICE is a historical fantasy novel, complete at 122,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Stephen R. Lawhead, as well as fans of fiction based on Enochian myth, such as Danielle Trussoni’s ANGELOLOGY. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
997 A.D. When a bishop arrives at an Irish monastery to accuse a senior monk of sorcery, Brother Ciaran, a resourceful scribe with a keen mind, learns the man who raised him like a father may burn at the stake. And if the accused is not put to death, the bishop warns, the souls of everyone in the monastery will be in peril as the End Times approach, one thousand years after the birth of Christ.
At first, Ciaran believes his mentor, Brother Donall, is innocent, but Ciaran’s faith is shaken when he discovers a book of forbidden magic in Donall’s cell. Donall insists the book is not evil, but records the secrets of the Fae, angels banished to earth in Antediluvian times. The bishop has come for the book as well because of the reference it contains to Enoch’s Device, an angelic weapon with the power to prevent the impending Apocalypse. Convinced mankind must suffer for its sins, the bishop is determined to ensure that whoever knows of the device ends up dead.
Ciaran chooses his faith in Donall over fears of heresy and helps him escape to find Enoch’s Device, which has left clues throughout history, from the fall of Atlantis to the Holy Roman Empire of Charlemagne. Aided by supernatural forces, the bishop and his men pursue the two monks, who must race from Ireland to Moorish Spain to unravel the mysteries surrounding the device and its location. But time is running out, and if Ciaran and Donall don’t find the device soon, everything they love could perish with the End of Days.
ENOCH’S DEVICE is a historical fantasy novel, complete at 122,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Stephen R. Lawhead, as well as fans of fiction based on Enochian myth, such as Danielle Trussoni’s ANGELOLOGY.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
A bishop arrives at an Irish monastery in 997 A.D. to accuse a senior monk of sorcery and warn that if the accused is not burned at the stake, the souls of everyone in the monastery will be in peril as the End Times approach, one thousand years after the birth of Christ.
Brother Ciaran believes his mentor Brother Donall is innocent, but Ciaran's faith is shaken when he discovers a book of magic in Donall’s cell. Donall insists the book is not evil, but records the secrets of the Fae, angels banished to earth in Antediluvian times. The book contains a reference to Enoch’s Device, an angelic weapon that can prevent the impending Apocalypse. The bishop, who is convinced mankind must suffer for its sins, wants everyone who knows of this device dead.
Ciaran chooses his faith in Donall over his fears of heresy and helps his mentor to escape. The bishop and his men, aided by supernatural forces, pursue the two monks, who must race from Ireland to Moorish Spain to unravel the mysteries surrounding the device and its location. But the End of Days approaches, and if Ciaran and Donall don’t find the device soon, the world and everything they love in it will perish.
ENOCH’S DEVICE is a historical fantasy novel, complete at 122,000 words. It would appeal to fans of Stephen R. Lawhead, as well as fans of fiction based on Enochian myth, such as Danielle Trussoni’s ANGELOLOGY. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Query #32: "Guardian" by Anonymous
This query is from an anonymous author for the novel Guardian. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Emma sees things other people don’t.
It was cute when she was five, but after a certain age, girls who see visions are no longer imaginative. They are either crazy or possessed.
Sixteen-year-old Emma Hawthorne thought she had her gift under control, until the night her best friend drowned. Crippled by grief, she is no longer able to resist the barrage of emotions from the people around her – or the visions the emotions trigger.
Emma feels a faint flicker of hope when her childhood friend Gabriel returns for the summer. Even after five years apart, they are immediately drawn to one another. His calm presence allows her to begin to heal, but as their innocent friendship kindles into something more, Emma’s nightmarish visions start to become real.
Suddenly thrown into the centuries old conflict between the Guardians, a secret order dedicated to protecting mankind from the supernatural, and a creature known as a Soul-Eater, Emma must learn to trust Gabriel or loose everything she holds dear.
With her soul, and the souls of the people she loves at stake, Emma is forced to embrace her gift, in spite of the pain it causes her, or accept an immortal, painless existence with the Soul-Eater – and whatever choice she makes, her relationship with Gabriel will never be the same.
GUARDIAN is a 64,000 YA paranormal fantasy.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
It was cute when she was five, but at sixteen, Emma Hawthorne needs to keep her visions under control or everyone will think she's crazy. When her best friend drowns, however, Emma's grief leaves her vulnerable to the barrage of emotion from people around her as well as the visions those emotions trigger.
When her childhood friend Gabriel returns for the summer, Emma hopes his calm presence will bring her relief. Instead, their friendship kindles into something more, and Emma's nightmarish visions start to become real. [What does this mean, specifically? Is she having visions of future events that come true, or do her visions feature beings that begin appearing in the real world?]
[Reveal here who Gabriel is and how he ties in to Emma's gift becoming more dangerous. Is he a member of the Guardians? Was he using her?] [Something Gabriel does] draws Emma into the centuries-old conflict between a creature known as the Soul-Eater and the Guardians, a secret order dedicated to protecting mankind from the supernatural. Emma must learn to trust Gabriel [Didn't she already? What has he done recently to become untrustworthy?] or she and her family may lose their souls.
But the choice gets harder when the Soul-Eater promises to spare her family if Emma accepts the immortal, painless existence it can offer her--one blissfully free from her empathic gift. Emma must decide between [two things that are both good or two things that are both bad. Perhaps family and Gabriel's love versus the quiet peace of being alone in her own mind? Or a dangerous life spent fighting the Soul-Eater versus losing her identity forever?]
GUARDIAN is a 64,000 YA paranormal fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Emma sees things other people don’t.
It was cute when she was five, but after a certain age, girls who see visions are no longer imaginative. They are either crazy or possessed.
Sixteen-year-old Emma Hawthorne thought she had her gift under control, until the night her best friend drowned. Crippled by grief, she is no longer able to resist the barrage of emotions from the people around her – or the visions the emotions trigger.
Emma feels a faint flicker of hope when her childhood friend Gabriel returns for the summer. Even after five years apart, they are immediately drawn to one another. His calm presence allows her to begin to heal, but as their innocent friendship kindles into something more, Emma’s nightmarish visions start to become real.
Suddenly thrown into the centuries old conflict between the Guardians, a secret order dedicated to protecting mankind from the supernatural, and a creature known as a Soul-Eater, Emma must learn to trust Gabriel or loose everything she holds dear.
With her soul, and the souls of the people she loves at stake, Emma is forced to embrace her gift, in spite of the pain it causes her, or accept an immortal, painless existence with the Soul-Eater – and whatever choice she makes, her relationship with Gabriel will never be the same.
GUARDIAN is a 64,000 YA paranormal fantasy.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
It was cute when she was five, but at sixteen, Emma Hawthorne needs to keep her visions under control or everyone will think she's crazy. When her best friend drowns, however, Emma's grief leaves her vulnerable to the barrage of emotion from people around her as well as the visions those emotions trigger.
When her childhood friend Gabriel returns for the summer, Emma hopes his calm presence will bring her relief. Instead, their friendship kindles into something more, and Emma's nightmarish visions start to become real. [What does this mean, specifically? Is she having visions of future events that come true, or do her visions feature beings that begin appearing in the real world?]
[Reveal here who Gabriel is and how he ties in to Emma's gift becoming more dangerous. Is he a member of the Guardians? Was he using her?] [Something Gabriel does] draws Emma into the centuries-old conflict between a creature known as the Soul-Eater and the Guardians, a secret order dedicated to protecting mankind from the supernatural. Emma must learn to trust Gabriel [Didn't she already? What has he done recently to become untrustworthy?] or she and her family may lose their souls.
But the choice gets harder when the Soul-Eater promises to spare her family if Emma accepts the immortal, painless existence it can offer her--one blissfully free from her empathic gift. Emma must decide between [two things that are both good or two things that are both bad. Perhaps family and Gabriel's love versus the quiet peace of being alone in her own mind? Or a dangerous life spent fighting the Soul-Eater versus losing her identity forever?]
GUARDIAN is a 64,000 YA paranormal fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
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