This query is from Taylor for the novel The Family Grim. Thank you Taylor for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Two hundred years ago Death's most feared servant, the infamous Grim Reaper, sacrificed his immortality for the woman he loved, entrusting his eternal duty to his future descendants: the Family Grim. Three generations later, Jude Grim struggles to balance these deathly duties with his life as a high school student buried beneath the shadow of his twin brother Drew, the local golden boy.
The twins first learned of their unusual bloodline four years ago. Drew took it as a sign of his greatness. Jude took it as a curse. And now, thanks to Drew's insatiable temper and Jude's compassionate soul, the onetime best friends are bitter enemies. Adding to the rivalry is Haven Snow, Drew's current girlfriend and Jude's childhood sweetheart. One night Drew's temper gets the best of him, and in a fit of rage he uses his powers to kill a classmate, hiding the body in a nearby river. When Haven discovers Drew's secret, she becomes his next victim.
Determined to save her, a heart-broken Jude pursues Death's forbidden remedy: seeds from the legendary Tree of Life. The seeds hold the power to reverse a reaper's kill, but must be used quickly. With Drew hot on his trail and Death watching their every move, Jude has twenty four hours to find the tree and bring Haven back before she's lost forever.
THE FAMILY GRIM, a young adult fantasy novel, is complete at 72,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Two hundred years ago, the Grim Reaper sacrificed his immortality for the woman he loved and entrusted his eternal duty to his descendants. Three generations later, Jude Grim is struggling to balance high school with what he considers the family curse.
As if juggling homework with harvesting souls weren't bad enough, the only girl Jude has ever loved is Haven Snow, and guess who's she's dating? His popular twin Drew, who considers the Reaper bloodline proof of own greatness and justification for his increasingly vicious temper.
Jude's love for his brother is dying, but he doesn't realize he'll soon have to strangle it entirely. When an argument provokes Drew into a fit of rage, he uses his powers to murder a classmate, then hides the body in a river. When Haven discovers Drew's secret, he kills her too.
Now Jude has twenty-four hours to find a remedy for a Reaper's touch or it will be too late to bring Haven back from the dead. It's heart-breaking enough his own twin is hot on his trail and willing to kill him, but Jude soon learns he has an even more dangerous family member hunting him. The shade of the original Grim Reaper also wants dying to remain a one-way street--and he too is willing to hurry Jude's demise to ensure that.
THE FAMILY GRIM, a young adult fantasy, is complete at 72,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Query #7: "Orion: The Reunion" by Kay
This query is from Kay for the novel Orion: The Reunion. Thank you Kay for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
NOTE: In order to provide the Goblin with as much raw material to work with as possible (much appreciated; thank you!), the author has submitted two versions of her query. Both are posted below:
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Version One:
Twenty two year old Aaly Bennett believes that God doesn’t play dice. But it takes five broken bones, a serious concussion and a foot long scar to convince the fake ‘magical squib’ to start the journey to meet her magical destiny.
An inexperienced novice from Cubes, the Magical Council of San Francisco, Aaly loves her regular human life. She knows little of the Legend of the Fallen - 1073 unidentified exceptionally powerful magical beings brutally massacred on the same night 25 years ago after being betrayed by one of their own. She had not even heard of the stolen Ven element, Prian, in possession of the faceless leader of the Dark Forces, Ygorr. Once unlocked by the last of the Fallen, the element will give the Dark Forces complete access and control over 7 billion human souls who are yet to consciously unlock the magic within
But Aaly’s regular lifestyle goes out the window when an allegedly dead man, also a frequent participant in her recurring nightmares, steps in front of her car. Aaly is blamed for the consequent 10 car pile up and is determined to find the truth. On this seemingly simple quest, Aaly gets help from different magical realms including her best friend, a helpful but ‘I am superior than thou’ Dak officer and a runaway blue blooded Ven.
Instead, Aaly and her friends get involved in a race between the Ministry of Magic and Ygorr that will determine the fate of not just all magical beings but also the entire humanity. Only Aaly with her unique connection to the Fallen can unmask the traitor of the Fallen and find the eventual resting place of the collective powers of the Fallen in time to use them to defeat Ygorr and the rising Dark Army.
At 95,000 words, ORION: THE REUNION tracks Aaly and her friends work across borders and cultures, human and magical, to find their feet in a new, darker magical world where all the answers lie within and each must make his or her own journey.
Version Two:
Twenty two year old Aaly Bennett believes that God doesn’t play dice. But it takes five broken bones, a serious concussion and a foot long scar to convince Aaly to ditch her ‘almost magical squib’ lifestyle and embrace her magical destiny.
An inexperienced novice from Cubes, the Magical Council of San Francisco, Aaly is on a seemingly simple quest: To find out the identities of the people in her recurring nightmares and why are they haunting her day and night. Especially after one of them steps in front of her car in broad day light and causes a ten car pile up for which she is blamed. The Fallen might be the people Aaly is looking for - hereto unidentified 1073 exceptionally powerful magical beings brutally massacred 25 year ago after an alleged betrayal by one of their own. Her partners in this quest hail from different magical realms and include her best friend, a helpful but ‘I am superior than thou’ Dak officer and a runaway blue blooded Ven.
But Ygorr, the faceless leader of the Dark Forces, is also looking for the last of the Fallen to unlock a stolen Ven element and help overthrow the Ministry of Magic, the authority on all matters in the happily coexisting magical and human worlds on Earth. Defeating the darkness becomes more personal and not just about survival when Aaly’s father is exposed as the person who betrayed the Fallen and Aaly’s real connection to the Fallen is revealed.
At 95,000 words, ORION: THE REUNION follows Aaly and her friends across borders and cultures, human and magical, as they find their feet in a new darker magical world where all the answers lie within and each journey must be made alone.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Aaly loves her regular human life, but that goes out the window--and so does Aaly--when an allegedly dead man and frequent participant in her recurring nightmares steps in front of her car.
Badly injured and blamed for the resulting ten car pile-up, Aaly decides it's time to embrace her magical heritage and find out why this man haunts her dreams. Aided by her highly aggravating best friend and a runaway from another world, Aaly learns the man of her nightmares may be one of The Fallen--a group of San Franciscan magic users massacred decades ago after a betrayal by one of their own.
But Aaly isn't the only one after more information. Ygorr, a slick sociopath with a big plan, has realized the collective powers of The Fallen did not die with their owners, and the person who gains possession of that cache will also possess the key to controlling seven billion human souls who have yet to consciously unlock their own magic.
When Ygorr learns Aaly's father was the one who betrayed The Fallen, Aaly must scramble not only to stay free but to attain The Fallen's powers for herself. Suddenly, accepting her magical heritage isn't just an inconvenience--it's the only way Aaly will prevent Ygorr destroying her belovedly mundane human world.
Orion: The Reunion, a 95,000 word fantasy, tracks a lively heroine across borders and cultures both human and magical. The full manuscript is available on request; I look forward to hearing from you.
Have any thoughts about either the original(s) or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
NOTE: In order to provide the Goblin with as much raw material to work with as possible (much appreciated; thank you!), the author has submitted two versions of her query. Both are posted below:
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Version One:
Twenty two year old Aaly Bennett believes that God doesn’t play dice. But it takes five broken bones, a serious concussion and a foot long scar to convince the fake ‘magical squib’ to start the journey to meet her magical destiny.
An inexperienced novice from Cubes, the Magical Council of San Francisco, Aaly loves her regular human life. She knows little of the Legend of the Fallen - 1073 unidentified exceptionally powerful magical beings brutally massacred on the same night 25 years ago after being betrayed by one of their own. She had not even heard of the stolen Ven element, Prian, in possession of the faceless leader of the Dark Forces, Ygorr. Once unlocked by the last of the Fallen, the element will give the Dark Forces complete access and control over 7 billion human souls who are yet to consciously unlock the magic within
But Aaly’s regular lifestyle goes out the window when an allegedly dead man, also a frequent participant in her recurring nightmares, steps in front of her car. Aaly is blamed for the consequent 10 car pile up and is determined to find the truth. On this seemingly simple quest, Aaly gets help from different magical realms including her best friend, a helpful but ‘I am superior than thou’ Dak officer and a runaway blue blooded Ven.
Instead, Aaly and her friends get involved in a race between the Ministry of Magic and Ygorr that will determine the fate of not just all magical beings but also the entire humanity. Only Aaly with her unique connection to the Fallen can unmask the traitor of the Fallen and find the eventual resting place of the collective powers of the Fallen in time to use them to defeat Ygorr and the rising Dark Army.
At 95,000 words, ORION: THE REUNION tracks Aaly and her friends work across borders and cultures, human and magical, to find their feet in a new, darker magical world where all the answers lie within and each must make his or her own journey.
Version Two:
Twenty two year old Aaly Bennett believes that God doesn’t play dice. But it takes five broken bones, a serious concussion and a foot long scar to convince Aaly to ditch her ‘almost magical squib’ lifestyle and embrace her magical destiny.
An inexperienced novice from Cubes, the Magical Council of San Francisco, Aaly is on a seemingly simple quest: To find out the identities of the people in her recurring nightmares and why are they haunting her day and night. Especially after one of them steps in front of her car in broad day light and causes a ten car pile up for which she is blamed. The Fallen might be the people Aaly is looking for - hereto unidentified 1073 exceptionally powerful magical beings brutally massacred 25 year ago after an alleged betrayal by one of their own. Her partners in this quest hail from different magical realms and include her best friend, a helpful but ‘I am superior than thou’ Dak officer and a runaway blue blooded Ven.
But Ygorr, the faceless leader of the Dark Forces, is also looking for the last of the Fallen to unlock a stolen Ven element and help overthrow the Ministry of Magic, the authority on all matters in the happily coexisting magical and human worlds on Earth. Defeating the darkness becomes more personal and not just about survival when Aaly’s father is exposed as the person who betrayed the Fallen and Aaly’s real connection to the Fallen is revealed.
At 95,000 words, ORION: THE REUNION follows Aaly and her friends across borders and cultures, human and magical, as they find their feet in a new darker magical world where all the answers lie within and each journey must be made alone.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Aaly loves her regular human life, but that goes out the window--and so does Aaly--when an allegedly dead man and frequent participant in her recurring nightmares steps in front of her car.
Badly injured and blamed for the resulting ten car pile-up, Aaly decides it's time to embrace her magical heritage and find out why this man haunts her dreams. Aided by her highly aggravating best friend and a runaway from another world, Aaly learns the man of her nightmares may be one of The Fallen--a group of San Franciscan magic users massacred decades ago after a betrayal by one of their own.
But Aaly isn't the only one after more information. Ygorr, a slick sociopath with a big plan, has realized the collective powers of The Fallen did not die with their owners, and the person who gains possession of that cache will also possess the key to controlling seven billion human souls who have yet to consciously unlock their own magic.
When Ygorr learns Aaly's father was the one who betrayed The Fallen, Aaly must scramble not only to stay free but to attain The Fallen's powers for herself. Suddenly, accepting her magical heritage isn't just an inconvenience--it's the only way Aaly will prevent Ygorr destroying her belovedly mundane human world.
Orion: The Reunion, a 95,000 word fantasy, tracks a lively heroine across borders and cultures both human and magical. The full manuscript is available on request; I look forward to hearing from you.
Have any thoughts about either the original(s) or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Query #6: "The Time Weaver" by Xetheriel
This query is from Xetheriel for the novel The Time Weaver. Thank you Xetheriel for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
As a child, Seth sat enthralled through his fathers vivid stories of sword and sorcery. When his father vanished, it prompted five-year-old Seth to put the stories behind him and live for reality. Now he has a house, a car, a good job and a date for his thirtieth birthday. But all of that changes when a dormant gene awakens within Seth and stops the flow of time.
In an alternate universe, the kingdom of Findoor sits on the brink of war with a dark and powerful warlord determined to exact revenge on the land that banished him. Tensions build between the two factions, with skirmishes breaking out along the Findoor borders. Wizards on both sides discover a force that will spell a swift end to the war for the side that obtains it. That force is Seth.
Seth struggles to control his new-found powers while being led through a world of magic and creatures unlike anything he has ever known. Eventually Seth learns that there is more to the escalating war than just black versus white. Something darker and more ancient stirs, an evil that spans generations, and threatens to consume the fabric of space and time. Seth must overcome his own doubt and disbelief to defeat this evil, or watch both worlds get annihilated.
THE TIME WEAVER, an 80,000-word fantasy, leaves an unlikely hero in a world that is not his own, with an ability he never wanted, and fighting a war he didn't start.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When his father vanished, five-year-old Seth put the man's vivid stories of swords and sorcery behind him. Now Seth has a house, a car, a good job and a date for his thirtieth birthday. But all of that changes when a dormant gene awakens within Seth and stops the flow of time.
In an alternate universe, wizards on both sides of a war have discovered a force that will spell an easy victory for the faction that obtains it. That force is Seth, and all they need is to steal him away like they did his father.
But holding onto a Time Weaver is not easy, and Seth escapes with his new-found powers. Finding himself in a world of magic and creatures unlike anything he has seen, Seth's struggle to stay free and control his abilities becomes critical when he learns the escalating war involves more than just warlords and vengeance.
Something dark and ancient is stirring, an evil that spans generations and threatens to consume the fabric of space and time. Seth must overcome his own insecurities and skepticism to defeat this creature, or he'll watch it annihilate both worlds.
THE TIME WEAVER, an 80,000-word fantasy, leaves an unlikely hero in a world that is not his own, with an ability he never wanted, and fighting a war he didn't start.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
As a child, Seth sat enthralled through his fathers vivid stories of sword and sorcery. When his father vanished, it prompted five-year-old Seth to put the stories behind him and live for reality. Now he has a house, a car, a good job and a date for his thirtieth birthday. But all of that changes when a dormant gene awakens within Seth and stops the flow of time.
In an alternate universe, the kingdom of Findoor sits on the brink of war with a dark and powerful warlord determined to exact revenge on the land that banished him. Tensions build between the two factions, with skirmishes breaking out along the Findoor borders. Wizards on both sides discover a force that will spell a swift end to the war for the side that obtains it. That force is Seth.
Seth struggles to control his new-found powers while being led through a world of magic and creatures unlike anything he has ever known. Eventually Seth learns that there is more to the escalating war than just black versus white. Something darker and more ancient stirs, an evil that spans generations, and threatens to consume the fabric of space and time. Seth must overcome his own doubt and disbelief to defeat this evil, or watch both worlds get annihilated.
THE TIME WEAVER, an 80,000-word fantasy, leaves an unlikely hero in a world that is not his own, with an ability he never wanted, and fighting a war he didn't start.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When his father vanished, five-year-old Seth put the man's vivid stories of swords and sorcery behind him. Now Seth has a house, a car, a good job and a date for his thirtieth birthday. But all of that changes when a dormant gene awakens within Seth and stops the flow of time.
In an alternate universe, wizards on both sides of a war have discovered a force that will spell an easy victory for the faction that obtains it. That force is Seth, and all they need is to steal him away like they did his father.
But holding onto a Time Weaver is not easy, and Seth escapes with his new-found powers. Finding himself in a world of magic and creatures unlike anything he has seen, Seth's struggle to stay free and control his abilities becomes critical when he learns the escalating war involves more than just warlords and vengeance.
Something dark and ancient is stirring, an evil that spans generations and threatens to consume the fabric of space and time. Seth must overcome his own insecurities and skepticism to defeat this creature, or he'll watch it annihilate both worlds.
THE TIME WEAVER, an 80,000-word fantasy, leaves an unlikely hero in a world that is not his own, with an ability he never wanted, and fighting a war he didn't start.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Re-edits for "Eyes of Stone" and "From the Neighborhood"
Oops! The Goblin's Maw is emptier than I would like, so while I'm rustling up more queries, here's a re-edit of Query #2: Eyes of Stone by Beckahrah and Query #5: From the Neighborhood by Merry Monteleone.
Both writers had expressed interest in getting more feedback, so please let them know what you think!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SECOND VERSION OF "EYES OF STONE" BY BECKAHRAH:
Even living among the last of the gargoyles, Anaiiya has always believed she's human. But the day she awakens covered in blood is the day she realizes she's something else entirely. A terrible darkness lies dormant within her, waiting to be triggered. When a deranged queen attacks her beloved gargoyle tribe, Anaiiya blacks out--and awakens surrounded by dead soldiers with no memory of how it happened.
Now stone crumbles to powder at her touch and blood obeys her every command. The monster she's becoming takes her over one piece at a time, slowly filling Anaiiya with an ever-increasing lust for violence. Each day she struggles to use her newfound powers only to defend her tribe.
Instead, Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of far more dangerous creatures. Now immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers, and the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever. Anaiiya can save them--but only if the darkness within her doesn't destroy them first.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN RE-EDIT:
Even living among the last of the gargoyles, Anaiiya has always believed she's human, but when a deranged queen attacks her beloved tribe, Anaiiya blacks out--and awakens surrounded by dead soldiers. A terrible darkness has lain dormant within her, waiting to be triggered.
Now stone crumbles to powder at her touch and blood obeys her every command. The monster she's becoming takes her over slowly, filling Anaiiya with an ever-increasing lust for violence. Each day she struggles to only use her newfound powers to defend her tribe.
Instead, Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of far more dangerous creatures. Immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers, and the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever. Anaiiya can save them--but only if the darkness within her doesn't destroy them first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SECOND VERSION OF "FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD" BY MERRY MONTELEONE:
When Jack Poverelli's uncle bails him out of jail, packs his mom off to rehab, and whisks Jack out of the neighborhood, it should have been a good thing. What sixteen year old wants to wake up in the middle of the night and make sure his mom's still breathing? But Jack doesn't belong in the gleaming halls of his new high school where everyone judges him for what he looks like, and he doesn't trust his uncle. Why would he show up now, after all these years? And why is he so interested in their house and finances?
Jack would give up clean sheets and full meals to be back with the friends who've looked out for him his whole life. Everything is pushing him into this new place--better classes, a job, a girl whose way out of his league but doesn't seem to notice. Even Jack's oldest friends are telling him to move on, that he should be trying to get out of the neighborhood, not stay in it. When his mother relapses, Jack and his friends step between her and a neighborhood drug dealer, setting off a chain of events that put them all in the crosshairs of both the dealer's cronies and the police.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN RE-EDIT OF "FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD" BY MERRY MONTELEONE:
In the gleaming halls of Jack Poverelli's new high school, his only friends are the kids who like the notoriety of hanging with a sixteen-year-old fresh out of jail.
They aren't friends who would help him scrounge for food if his mom was high, or back him up in a fight against one of her dealers, and because of that, Jack just wants to go home. Even if it means being poor; even if it means not finishing school.
Everything is pulling him into this new life--better classes, a job, a girl who is out of his league but doesn't seem to mind--even his old buddies are telling him to move on. Jack can't so much as yearn for a better life without feeling conflicted, because what is he longing for if not the tidy existence his uncle just gave him?
When his mom's relapse yanks Jack back to the old neighborhood and into a confrontation with a gang, he learns not only how far his old friends will go to defend one of their own, but how much he's willing to give up to have friends like that.
~~~~~~~
Both writers had expressed interest in getting more feedback, so please let them know what you think!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SECOND VERSION OF "EYES OF STONE" BY BECKAHRAH:
Even living among the last of the gargoyles, Anaiiya has always believed she's human. But the day she awakens covered in blood is the day she realizes she's something else entirely. A terrible darkness lies dormant within her, waiting to be triggered. When a deranged queen attacks her beloved gargoyle tribe, Anaiiya blacks out--and awakens surrounded by dead soldiers with no memory of how it happened.
Now stone crumbles to powder at her touch and blood obeys her every command. The monster she's becoming takes her over one piece at a time, slowly filling Anaiiya with an ever-increasing lust for violence. Each day she struggles to use her newfound powers only to defend her tribe.
Instead, Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of far more dangerous creatures. Now immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers, and the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever. Anaiiya can save them--but only if the darkness within her doesn't destroy them first.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN RE-EDIT:
Even living among the last of the gargoyles, Anaiiya has always believed she's human, but when a deranged queen attacks her beloved tribe, Anaiiya blacks out--and awakens surrounded by dead soldiers. A terrible darkness has lain dormant within her, waiting to be triggered.
Now stone crumbles to powder at her touch and blood obeys her every command. The monster she's becoming takes her over slowly, filling Anaiiya with an ever-increasing lust for violence. Each day she struggles to only use her newfound powers to defend her tribe.
Instead, Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of far more dangerous creatures. Immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers, and the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever. Anaiiya can save them--but only if the darkness within her doesn't destroy them first.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SECOND VERSION OF "FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD" BY MERRY MONTELEONE:
When Jack Poverelli's uncle bails him out of jail, packs his mom off to rehab, and whisks Jack out of the neighborhood, it should have been a good thing. What sixteen year old wants to wake up in the middle of the night and make sure his mom's still breathing? But Jack doesn't belong in the gleaming halls of his new high school where everyone judges him for what he looks like, and he doesn't trust his uncle. Why would he show up now, after all these years? And why is he so interested in their house and finances?
Jack would give up clean sheets and full meals to be back with the friends who've looked out for him his whole life. Everything is pushing him into this new place--better classes, a job, a girl whose way out of his league but doesn't seem to notice. Even Jack's oldest friends are telling him to move on, that he should be trying to get out of the neighborhood, not stay in it. When his mother relapses, Jack and his friends step between her and a neighborhood drug dealer, setting off a chain of events that put them all in the crosshairs of both the dealer's cronies and the police.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN RE-EDIT OF "FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD" BY MERRY MONTELEONE:
In the gleaming halls of Jack Poverelli's new high school, his only friends are the kids who like the notoriety of hanging with a sixteen-year-old fresh out of jail.
They aren't friends who would help him scrounge for food if his mom was high, or back him up in a fight against one of her dealers, and because of that, Jack just wants to go home. Even if it means being poor; even if it means not finishing school.
Everything is pulling him into this new life--better classes, a job, a girl who is out of his league but doesn't seem to mind--even his old buddies are telling him to move on. Jack can't so much as yearn for a better life without feeling conflicted, because what is he longing for if not the tidy existence his uncle just gave him?
When his mom's relapse yanks Jack back to the old neighborhood and into a confrontation with a gang, he learns not only how far his old friends will go to defend one of their own, but how much he's willing to give up to have friends like that.
~~~~~~~
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Query #5: "From the Neighborhood" by Merry Monteleone
This query is from Merry Monteleone for the novel From the Neighborhood. Thank you Merry for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
For Jack Poverelli, scrounging up food is way higher on the priority list than showing up for his sophomore year Lit. class. But Jack's got friends who'll help him get by when his mom's too stoned to remember such things. When Jack gets himself arrested, it's not his lifelong buddies who bail him out.
Uncle Joe sets Jack's mom up in rehab and gets him out of the neighborhood. But Jack doesn't belong in the gleaming halls of his new high school, and he doesn't trust his uncle. Everything is pulling him into this new place--better classes, a job, a girl who should be way out of his league but doesn't seem to mind it, even his own friends are telling him to move on. Jack's ashamed to admit it but he finds himself yearning for something better. When his mother's relapse means stepping between her and a neighborhood drug dealer, Jack finds out for sure how far his friends will go for one of their own, but it also sets up a chain of events that will change their lives forever. And how the hell do you ever get home when the neighborhood you belong to no longer exists?
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When Jack Poverelli's uncle sweeps into town, bails Jack out of jail, packs his mom off to rehab, and whisks Jack out of the neighborhood, it should have felt like a fairytale. Not needing to scrounge up food instead of going to class ought to be a good thing. Never having to depend on your buddies when mom's too stoned to remember you is a step up, right?
But Jack doesn't belong in the gleaming halls of his new high school, and he doesn't trust his uncle. Everything is pulling him into this new place--better classes, a job, a girl who should be way out of his league but doesn't seem to mind--even his old friends are telling him to move on. Jack's ashamed to admit it, but he finds himself yearning for something deeper than this clean but meaningless life.
And that's why when his mom's relapse means stepping between her and a neighborhood drug dealer, Jack doesn't hesitate. And that's when he finds out for sure how far his friends will go for one of their own, but the confrontation sets off a chain of events that will change their lives and neighborhood forever. And how the hell can Jack ever get home when the one place he belongs to no longer exists?
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Extra Note: The author is open to brainstorming a new title for this novel. If you have a suggestion, please post it!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
For Jack Poverelli, scrounging up food is way higher on the priority list than showing up for his sophomore year Lit. class. But Jack's got friends who'll help him get by when his mom's too stoned to remember such things. When Jack gets himself arrested, it's not his lifelong buddies who bail him out.
Uncle Joe sets Jack's mom up in rehab and gets him out of the neighborhood. But Jack doesn't belong in the gleaming halls of his new high school, and he doesn't trust his uncle. Everything is pulling him into this new place--better classes, a job, a girl who should be way out of his league but doesn't seem to mind it, even his own friends are telling him to move on. Jack's ashamed to admit it but he finds himself yearning for something better. When his mother's relapse means stepping between her and a neighborhood drug dealer, Jack finds out for sure how far his friends will go for one of their own, but it also sets up a chain of events that will change their lives forever. And how the hell do you ever get home when the neighborhood you belong to no longer exists?
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When Jack Poverelli's uncle sweeps into town, bails Jack out of jail, packs his mom off to rehab, and whisks Jack out of the neighborhood, it should have felt like a fairytale. Not needing to scrounge up food instead of going to class ought to be a good thing. Never having to depend on your buddies when mom's too stoned to remember you is a step up, right?
But Jack doesn't belong in the gleaming halls of his new high school, and he doesn't trust his uncle. Everything is pulling him into this new place--better classes, a job, a girl who should be way out of his league but doesn't seem to mind--even his old friends are telling him to move on. Jack's ashamed to admit it, but he finds himself yearning for something deeper than this clean but meaningless life.
And that's why when his mom's relapse means stepping between her and a neighborhood drug dealer, Jack doesn't hesitate. And that's when he finds out for sure how far his friends will go for one of their own, but the confrontation sets off a chain of events that will change their lives and neighborhood forever. And how the hell can Jack ever get home when the one place he belongs to no longer exists?
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Extra Note: The author is open to brainstorming a new title for this novel. If you have a suggestion, please post it!
Back for Another Massage!
Beckahrah has a new version of her query up in the comments of Query #2: Eyes of Stone, and would love some additional feedback if you would care to offer a comment.
Thank you, all, for your attention and your continued input!
PS - And thank you, Beckahrah, for leaving a link to The Query Goblin on Writer's Beat. The site did get a few hits from there yesterday. I do appreciate it!
Thank you, all, for your attention and your continued input!
PS - And thank you, Beckahrah, for leaving a link to The Query Goblin on Writer's Beat. The site did get a few hits from there yesterday. I do appreciate it!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Query #4: "Hang the Thief" by Vivian
This query is from Vivian for the novel Hang the Thief. Thank you Vivian for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Gates open on the world of Craie and magic, in all its forms, returns: healing magic, summoning magic, and magic that brings back the monsters of fairy tales. As governments race to master it for their own gains, the lure of wealth and power beckons others to use it for evil.
Ehlana, a street performer turned thief, is adrift in this world without purpose or hope – until she saves a court official from assassins. With her own life now at stake, Ehlana flees. On her journey, she sees for the first time how the peasants have been left to fend for themselves against the broken-beasts, criminals and social injustice. And when harpies attack her barge, she learns magic wielders are learning not only how to summon the monsters, but also how to raise the dead--abominations that are nearly invincible.
Ehlana believes she has found the life she wanted. Her flirtatious charm and performance skills earn her all that she desires: wealth, fame and even love. Her happiness is lost when she begins having nightmares of doom that drive her to seek meaning from a mysterious temple. Ehlana confirms what she already suspects; the gates must be closed. Using her unique gift to understand any language she hears or reads helps her decipher ancient scrolls that explain how. She further discovers, it will take magic to close them – and the cost of wielding such magic is the user's very soul.
Accompanied by four companions, Ehlana must complete the ritual necessary before it's too late. However, a betrayer travels with her, a demon lies in wait and the price to be paid is even greater than they know.
HANG THE THIEF is a 95,000-word fantasy written to stand-alone, but planned as the first of a three-part series. I look forward to sending you the completed manuscript.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When magic returns to the world, all that changes for Ehlana, a street performer and thief, is she now understands every language she hears. This helps her save a court official from assassins, but also earns her the fury of his rival, and suddenly Ehlana's magical gift feels like a liability.
Fleeing her new enemy, Ehlana realizes magic is proving a curse everywhere. Governments scrabble for it to cement their power, and criminals summon monsters and raise the dead to bludgeon their way to wealth. Those who have no magic struggle to survive amid lawlessness and a decaying social order.
At first, Ehlana tries to ignore the suffering and rebuild her life. Flirtatious charm and her performance skills earn her money, fame--even love--but her ability to understand anyone has apparently left her open to the pleas of otherworldly beings too. Nightmares drive Ehlana to break into a temple, and her gift for language lets her decipher the set of ancient scrolls she finds there.
Now Ehlana is the only person who knows why magic has returned and how to stop it, but the cost, if she wants to halt her world's slide into chaos, is Ehlana's soul--a harsh price for a thief who just wanted a simple life.
HANG THE THIEF, a complete 95,000 word stand-alone fantasy, is the first book of a planned trilogy. I look forward to hearing from you.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Gates open on the world of Craie and magic, in all its forms, returns: healing magic, summoning magic, and magic that brings back the monsters of fairy tales. As governments race to master it for their own gains, the lure of wealth and power beckons others to use it for evil.
Ehlana, a street performer turned thief, is adrift in this world without purpose or hope – until she saves a court official from assassins. With her own life now at stake, Ehlana flees. On her journey, she sees for the first time how the peasants have been left to fend for themselves against the broken-beasts, criminals and social injustice. And when harpies attack her barge, she learns magic wielders are learning not only how to summon the monsters, but also how to raise the dead--abominations that are nearly invincible.
Ehlana believes she has found the life she wanted. Her flirtatious charm and performance skills earn her all that she desires: wealth, fame and even love. Her happiness is lost when she begins having nightmares of doom that drive her to seek meaning from a mysterious temple. Ehlana confirms what she already suspects; the gates must be closed. Using her unique gift to understand any language she hears or reads helps her decipher ancient scrolls that explain how. She further discovers, it will take magic to close them – and the cost of wielding such magic is the user's very soul.
Accompanied by four companions, Ehlana must complete the ritual necessary before it's too late. However, a betrayer travels with her, a demon lies in wait and the price to be paid is even greater than they know.
HANG THE THIEF is a 95,000-word fantasy written to stand-alone, but planned as the first of a three-part series. I look forward to sending you the completed manuscript.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When magic returns to the world, all that changes for Ehlana, a street performer and thief, is she now understands every language she hears. This helps her save a court official from assassins, but also earns her the fury of his rival, and suddenly Ehlana's magical gift feels like a liability.
Fleeing her new enemy, Ehlana realizes magic is proving a curse everywhere. Governments scrabble for it to cement their power, and criminals summon monsters and raise the dead to bludgeon their way to wealth. Those who have no magic struggle to survive amid lawlessness and a decaying social order.
At first, Ehlana tries to ignore the suffering and rebuild her life. Flirtatious charm and her performance skills earn her money, fame--even love--but her ability to understand anyone has apparently left her open to the pleas of otherworldly beings too. Nightmares drive Ehlana to break into a temple, and her gift for language lets her decipher the set of ancient scrolls she finds there.
Now Ehlana is the only person who knows why magic has returned and how to stop it, but the cost, if she wants to halt her world's slide into chaos, is Ehlana's soul--a harsh price for a thief who just wanted a simple life.
HANG THE THIEF, a complete 95,000 word stand-alone fantasy, is the first book of a planned trilogy. I look forward to hearing from you.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Query #3: "Redemption" by Amy
This query is from Amy for the novel Redemption. Thank you Amy for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
BANE THOMAS knows a thing or two about demons; in fact, as soon as they succeed in killing him, he'll become one. Which is why an Armistice Zone, an area of land where demons can do no harm, would be a god send, and rumor has it twenty-year-old REIGHLYN ANDERSON has such a zone somewhere on her property. The problem is--she's not selling!
Bane finances Reighlyn's crisis center in hopes to persuade her to sell, but instead falls in love with her. After Reighlyn witnesses what can only be explained as reading minds, manipulating thoughts, and super human powers, its clear there's something different about Bane, but she doesn't care; she's in love with him. That is--until she discovers he's the capitalist pig after her land and throws him out on his ass, love or not.
In an attempt to explain his deceit, Bane reveals a secret he's never told anyone; he's a descendant of The Watchers. But with that truth come dangers, and soon a punished demon arrives, determined to use Reighlyn's death as a means to gain Satan's forgiveness. And after a successful kidnapping, Bane's in a race against time and a battle against evil to rescue the one person he never thought could literally exist--his soul mate.
REDEMPTION is a complete 93,000-word Paranormal Romance. At your request, I'd be happy to provide sample chapters and a more detailed synopsis. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
If the demons kill Bane Thomas, he'll become one of them, and that's why he needs control of the Armistice Zone, a place where demons lose their power. Unfortunately, Reighlyn Anderson owns that land, and she isn't selling it to a capitalist pig like Bane.
Hoping to pressure the young woman, Bane bankrolls the crisis center Reighlyn runs, but he soon finds himself more interested in romance than finance. Reighlyn buckles to their attraction too, despite her growing suspicion that Bane can read minds and manipulate thought. But while super-human powers aren't enough to derail their passion, dishonesty is. Reighlyn discovers Bane is the jerk after her land, and she throws him out on his ass, love or not.
Realizing Reighlyn is not just a way to save his soul, but the love of his life too, Bane comes clean about his otherworldly ancestry. However, this secret proves too dangerous to reveal outside the Armistice Zone, and a demon kidnaps Reighlyn in hope of snaring Bane and earning Satan's reward. Bane realizes he must stop running and face the demons if he wants to rescue the one person he never knew existed--his soul-mate.
Redemption is a complete 93,000 word paranormal romance. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
BANE THOMAS knows a thing or two about demons; in fact, as soon as they succeed in killing him, he'll become one. Which is why an Armistice Zone, an area of land where demons can do no harm, would be a god send, and rumor has it twenty-year-old REIGHLYN ANDERSON has such a zone somewhere on her property. The problem is--she's not selling!
Bane finances Reighlyn's crisis center in hopes to persuade her to sell, but instead falls in love with her. After Reighlyn witnesses what can only be explained as reading minds, manipulating thoughts, and super human powers, its clear there's something different about Bane, but she doesn't care; she's in love with him. That is--until she discovers he's the capitalist pig after her land and throws him out on his ass, love or not.
In an attempt to explain his deceit, Bane reveals a secret he's never told anyone; he's a descendant of The Watchers. But with that truth come dangers, and soon a punished demon arrives, determined to use Reighlyn's death as a means to gain Satan's forgiveness. And after a successful kidnapping, Bane's in a race against time and a battle against evil to rescue the one person he never thought could literally exist--his soul mate.
REDEMPTION is a complete 93,000-word Paranormal Romance. At your request, I'd be happy to provide sample chapters and a more detailed synopsis. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
If the demons kill Bane Thomas, he'll become one of them, and that's why he needs control of the Armistice Zone, a place where demons lose their power. Unfortunately, Reighlyn Anderson owns that land, and she isn't selling it to a capitalist pig like Bane.
Hoping to pressure the young woman, Bane bankrolls the crisis center Reighlyn runs, but he soon finds himself more interested in romance than finance. Reighlyn buckles to their attraction too, despite her growing suspicion that Bane can read minds and manipulate thought. But while super-human powers aren't enough to derail their passion, dishonesty is. Reighlyn discovers Bane is the jerk after her land, and she throws him out on his ass, love or not.
Realizing Reighlyn is not just a way to save his soul, but the love of his life too, Bane comes clean about his otherworldly ancestry. However, this secret proves too dangerous to reveal outside the Armistice Zone, and a demon kidnaps Reighlyn in hope of snaring Bane and earning Satan's reward. Bane realizes he must stop running and face the demons if he wants to rescue the one person he never knew existed--his soul-mate.
Redemption is a complete 93,000 word paranormal romance. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Query #2: "Eyes of Stone" by Beckahrah
This query is from Beckahrah for the novel Eyes of Stone. Thank you Beckahrah for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Anaiiya's always known she's human. Even living among the last of the gargoyles, the certain knowledge of who and what she is has always been with her. But when a deranged queen who sees only traitors in every non-human species launches an attack on the gargoyle tribe, Anaiiya discovers a dark truth: There's a monster inside her waiting for the right trigger to free itself. Seeing her family assaulted, she blacks out--and awakens covered in the blood of thirty men, with no memory of how it happened.
Now the river boils when she sings and drops of blood show her visions only she can see. The monster within, the thing she's becoming, overwhelms her with a bloodthirsty darkness that demands to be sated. She fights against it and turns her newfound powers to defending her beloved tribe.
But Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of far more dangerous creatures than a mad queen and her militant army. Using the gargoyles as pawns, immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers. Because of Anaiiya, the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever and only she can save them--if the darkness growing like a cancer within her soul doesn't destroy them first.
EYES OF STONE is a 109,000 fantasy.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Even living among the last of the gargoyles, Anaiiya has always known she's human. It's what she didn't know that may destroy her. When a deranged queen attacks the gargoyle tribe, Anaiiya blacks out--and awakens drenched in the blood of thirty men.
Now the river boils when she sings and drops of blood show her visions. The monster she is becoming overwhelms Anaiiya with a lust for violence, but all she wants is to use her newfound powers to defend her tribe.
Instead, Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of more dangerous creatures. Immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers, and the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever. Anaiiya can save them--but only if the darkness growing like a cancer within her doesn't destroy them first.
EYES OF STONE is a 109,000 word fantasy.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Anaiiya's always known she's human. Even living among the last of the gargoyles, the certain knowledge of who and what she is has always been with her. But when a deranged queen who sees only traitors in every non-human species launches an attack on the gargoyle tribe, Anaiiya discovers a dark truth: There's a monster inside her waiting for the right trigger to free itself. Seeing her family assaulted, she blacks out--and awakens covered in the blood of thirty men, with no memory of how it happened.
Now the river boils when she sings and drops of blood show her visions only she can see. The monster within, the thing she's becoming, overwhelms her with a bloodthirsty darkness that demands to be sated. She fights against it and turns her newfound powers to defending her beloved tribe.
But Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of far more dangerous creatures than a mad queen and her militant army. Using the gargoyles as pawns, immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers. Because of Anaiiya, the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever and only she can save them--if the darkness growing like a cancer within her soul doesn't destroy them first.
EYES OF STONE is a 109,000 fantasy.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Even living among the last of the gargoyles, Anaiiya has always known she's human. It's what she didn't know that may destroy her. When a deranged queen attacks the gargoyle tribe, Anaiiya blacks out--and awakens drenched in the blood of thirty men.
Now the river boils when she sings and drops of blood show her visions. The monster she is becoming overwhelms Anaiiya with a lust for violence, but all she wants is to use her newfound powers to defend her tribe.
Instead, Anaiiya's attempts to protect her family draw the attention of more dangerous creatures. Immortal beings of dark magic war for control of Anaiiya's powers, and the last gargoyle tribe is in greater danger than ever. Anaiiya can save them--but only if the darkness growing like a cancer within her doesn't destroy them first.
EYES OF STONE is a 109,000 word fantasy.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Query #1 - "Air Pirates" by Adam Heine
This query is from Adam Heine for his novel Air Pirates. Thank you Adam for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
For Hagai's 17th birthday, he receives a stone that gives him visions of the future. His mother sent it, but he can't figure out how, since she was killed almost ten years ago. Hagai's not exactly a hero -- the bravest thing he's ever done is put peppers in his stew -- yet when the stone shows his mother alive and in danger, he sets out to find her.
Air pirates and sky sailors come after him, and it's not long before a wanted sky'ler named Sam nicks the stone. Unable to find his mother without it, Hagai tracks Sam down and demands it back -- politely, of course, because Sam's got a knife.
Oddly, Sam offers him a job.
Sam needs someone non-threatening to get some information, and he figures Hagai is as non-threatening as they come. Hagai resents that but agrees, intending to turn Sam in at the first opportunity. But when a seer says Sam is the key to finding his mother, Hagai must choose between his mother and the law.
So in spite of himself, Hagai becomes crew to a fugitive, on the run from both pirates and police, toward some island he's never heard of. He doesn't trust Sam, and the stone haunts Hagai with visions of his own death. Nonetheless, he's determined to change the future and find his mother, if it's not already too late.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
For his 17th birthday, Hagai receives from his mother a stone that gives visions. The thing is, Hagai thought his mother was killed ten years ago.
The bravest thing Hagai's ever done is put peppers in his stew -- yet when the stone shows his mother alive and in danger, he sets out to find her. Drawn by [some attribute of the stone], sky sailors come after him, and it's not long before a wanted air pirate named Sam nicks the stone. Hagai tracks Sam down and demands it back -- politely, of course; Sam's got a knife. Instead, Sam offers him a job.
Sam needs someone non-threatening to get some information, and Hagai is as non-threatening as they come. Hagai agrees, intending to turn Sam in at the first opportunity, but when a seer says Sam is the key to finding Hagai's mother, the boy must choose his mother's life above the law.
On the run from both pirates and police, and headed toward some island he's never heard of, Hagai finds he doesn't trust Sam -- but this doesn't bother him half as much as the stone's latest visions.
According to them, if Hagai doesn't find a way to change the future, it's not only his mother who will die. It'll be Hagai too.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
For Hagai's 17th birthday, he receives a stone that gives him visions of the future. His mother sent it, but he can't figure out how, since she was killed almost ten years ago. Hagai's not exactly a hero -- the bravest thing he's ever done is put peppers in his stew -- yet when the stone shows his mother alive and in danger, he sets out to find her.
Air pirates and sky sailors come after him, and it's not long before a wanted sky'ler named Sam nicks the stone. Unable to find his mother without it, Hagai tracks Sam down and demands it back -- politely, of course, because Sam's got a knife.
Oddly, Sam offers him a job.
Sam needs someone non-threatening to get some information, and he figures Hagai is as non-threatening as they come. Hagai resents that but agrees, intending to turn Sam in at the first opportunity. But when a seer says Sam is the key to finding his mother, Hagai must choose between his mother and the law.
So in spite of himself, Hagai becomes crew to a fugitive, on the run from both pirates and police, toward some island he's never heard of. He doesn't trust Sam, and the stone haunts Hagai with visions of his own death. Nonetheless, he's determined to change the future and find his mother, if it's not already too late.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
For his 17th birthday, Hagai receives from his mother a stone that gives visions. The thing is, Hagai thought his mother was killed ten years ago.
The bravest thing Hagai's ever done is put peppers in his stew -- yet when the stone shows his mother alive and in danger, he sets out to find her. Drawn by [some attribute of the stone], sky sailors come after him, and it's not long before a wanted air pirate named Sam nicks the stone. Hagai tracks Sam down and demands it back -- politely, of course; Sam's got a knife. Instead, Sam offers him a job.
Sam needs someone non-threatening to get some information, and Hagai is as non-threatening as they come. Hagai agrees, intending to turn Sam in at the first opportunity, but when a seer says Sam is the key to finding Hagai's mother, the boy must choose his mother's life above the law.
On the run from both pirates and police, and headed toward some island he's never heard of, Hagai finds he doesn't trust Sam -- but this doesn't bother him half as much as the stone's latest visions.
According to them, if Hagai doesn't find a way to change the future, it's not only his mother who will die. It'll be Hagai too.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion!
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Welcome to The Query Goblin
Hi. I will edit your novel's query letter. I'm masochistic like that.
I'm a writer with no particular qualifications beyond a willingness to do this. However, as all writers know, when you're gnawing your knucklebones in cross-eyed desperation trying to make that damned query letter sing, sometimes even the misguided biases of some random internet dweeb are helpful.
And this dweeb is here for you, baby. Smooch, smooch.
I can't promise the re-written query will be better, or that it will help snag you offers (or even that I'll get around to it), but it will be an edit given by a relatively objective stranger.
And, it will be offered without comment. Without judgement.
Critiquing necessarily focuses on the negative, and in my own oddball way, I'm trying to offer writers some positivity instead. Things that your query does well, I'll try to preserve; things that could be improved, I'll try to polish. Instead of saying what you did wrong, I will mutely try to make it better.
Then it's up to you to take away whatever lessons you can from the experience.
I will only discuss the quality of your original query in the comments section, as may other people. If you really, absolutely don't want to read anything negative about your work, then please avoid the comments section, although I promise to keep my own words tactful and to turf anyone who is simply being mean or non-constructive.
The fine print:
- If you post your query letter, you are giving me permission to reprint it and to hack, slash, sleekify, re-structure, disembowel, edit, and rewrite it on this blog.
- If you post your query letter, you accept that I'm promising you nothing in return. Nothing. I have good intentions, but there's no contract between us, okay?
- Yes, you can back out. If your feet feel icy, and dread is making a chew-toy your heart, please leave a comment in The Goblin's Maw and tell me you want your query removed from consideration.
The comments for this post--i.e. this one; you're reading it--have been turned off. Here's what you do if you want to:
- Post a query to be edited/re-written:
Go to THE GOBLIN'S MAW and post the text of your query letter in the comments. Anonymous commenting is on; your shyness has been enabled. - Learn more about the Query Goblin blog:
Go to COMMON QUESTIONS ANSWERED and read a bit. - Ask a question or leave a tirade:
Go to the OPEN QUESTION/SUGGESTION FORUM and post a comment.
The Goblin's Maw
Shuttered!
The Query Goblin site is now closed. Sorry!
This is the post where you can submit your novel's query letter for editing/re-writing by the Query Goblin.
- Please remove ALL identifying information from the query first, i.e. delete your name, your address, etc.
- Also, please delete your paragraph of writing credits and achievements. They only serve to identify you, and on the internet, that's just not safe.
- Please remove the salutation and any personalization that identifies a particular editor or literary agent. I'm more interested in working on your blurb.
POST THE REMAINING TEXT OF YOUR NOVEL'S QUERY LETTER IN THE COMMENTS SECTION OF THIS POST
(You do that by clicking the little "comments" link at the bottom of this post.)
Anonymous commenting is on; your shyness has been enabled. There's a radio button below the commenting form that allows you to post without a name.
After your query has been edited and posted, I'll delete it from here.
Common Questions Answered
Can I steal and use your edited/re-written version of my query? Like, send it to agents and stuff?
Yeah, totally; I don't give a flaming doggiebar.
Should I?
No.
Look, you need to learn to write strong query letters yourself, plus you want your own writing style to shine through them. That said, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think the process might help a person learn these skills. Concrete examples are useful.
To paraphrase the words of one of Terry Pratchett's characters, the difference between doing something the hard way and doing it the easy way is that doing it the hard way works. If you view this site as another way to acid-test your query before you send it out, then you're growing your skill set as a writer.
If you view it as a way to avoid query-writing altogether, then you're shooting yourself in the foot, and that's why I don't care if you do it. It's your foot. You should know by now that laziness won't help you succeed.
Can I submit a revised query for you to edit/re-write again?
Er--yes, but I'm less likely to do it. Part of the reason I'm tackling query letters is they're short and this facilitates my nanometre-length attention span.
If you come up with a great new way to describe your story, that's awesome, but I don't necessarily want to see it, because hey--I've done this one before.
Or, to put it in the elegantly succinct words of Evil Willow, "Bored now."
What the hell criteria do you use to write a query letter, anyway?
I roughly follow literary agent Kristin Nelson's good advice, which is to focus on the story's inciting incident and then add a few of the complications that increase the stakes/deepen the mystery/blow our wee minds.
I also really like literary agent Janet Reid's advice to outline who the protagonist is, what they want, what stops them from getting that, and what's going to happen if they don't succeed.
Don't you think this is all pretty arrogant? Who says you know how to entice agents/editors?
1) It's arrogant for me to re-write someone else's words, period. Their instincts for what's important in a story are always going to be better than mine, and it should be their writing style, not mine, that shines through the query letter.
All I'm attempting to do is present an outsider's view of what is or isn't working in a particular query. We all get too close to our work sometimes, and this might be helpful to some writers.
2) It's also arrogant to act like I know better than the next Grade A Nobody what will entice literary agents or editors. Good thing I never claimed I did.
All that the query writers who submit here get is some free editing and a random person's opinion. What they take away from the experience is up to them. Just like other forms of online critique, n'est pas?
Who are you, you masochistic jackhole?
The evil id of this person.
Why are you doing this, you masochistic jackhole?
001) I find it fun.
010) I enjoy writers blogs that are active, and I'm hoping the comment section of this blog will grow active.
011) I will learn a lot about writing query letters.
100) Maybe it will help someone.
Can I ask you a question that isn't answered here?
Yes. I'd prefer you did it on this post, which is an open question/suggestion thread.
Yeah, totally; I don't give a flaming doggiebar.
Should I?
No.
Look, you need to learn to write strong query letters yourself, plus you want your own writing style to shine through them. That said, I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think the process might help a person learn these skills. Concrete examples are useful.
To paraphrase the words of one of Terry Pratchett's characters, the difference between doing something the hard way and doing it the easy way is that doing it the hard way works. If you view this site as another way to acid-test your query before you send it out, then you're growing your skill set as a writer.
If you view it as a way to avoid query-writing altogether, then you're shooting yourself in the foot, and that's why I don't care if you do it. It's your foot. You should know by now that laziness won't help you succeed.
Can I submit a revised query for you to edit/re-write again?
Er--yes, but I'm less likely to do it. Part of the reason I'm tackling query letters is they're short and this facilitates my nanometre-length attention span.
If you come up with a great new way to describe your story, that's awesome, but I don't necessarily want to see it, because hey--I've done this one before.
Or, to put it in the elegantly succinct words of Evil Willow, "Bored now."
What the hell criteria do you use to write a query letter, anyway?
I roughly follow literary agent Kristin Nelson's good advice, which is to focus on the story's inciting incident and then add a few of the complications that increase the stakes/deepen the mystery/blow our wee minds.
I also really like literary agent Janet Reid's advice to outline who the protagonist is, what they want, what stops them from getting that, and what's going to happen if they don't succeed.
Don't you think this is all pretty arrogant? Who says you know how to entice agents/editors?
1) It's arrogant for me to re-write someone else's words, period. Their instincts for what's important in a story are always going to be better than mine, and it should be their writing style, not mine, that shines through the query letter.
All I'm attempting to do is present an outsider's view of what is or isn't working in a particular query. We all get too close to our work sometimes, and this might be helpful to some writers.
2) It's also arrogant to act like I know better than the next Grade A Nobody what will entice literary agents or editors. Good thing I never claimed I did.
All that the query writers who submit here get is some free editing and a random person's opinion. What they take away from the experience is up to them. Just like other forms of online critique, n'est pas?
Who are you, you masochistic jackhole?
The evil id of this person.
Why are you doing this, you masochistic jackhole?
001) I find it fun.
010) I enjoy writers blogs that are active, and I'm hoping the comment section of this blog will grow active.
011) I will learn a lot about writing query letters.
100) Maybe it will help someone.
Can I ask you a question that isn't answered here?
Yes. I'd prefer you did it on this post, which is an open question/suggestion thread.
Open Question and Suggestion Forum
This post is a place for you to ask questions or post tirades. Enjoy!
Rules of Conduct
- This is not a democracy. It's a benevolent dictatorship. I'm the dictator. Hi.
- In general, I ascribe to the "Bigger Asshole" Code of Conduct, which states that on my blog, no one gets to be a bigger asshole than me, where the terms "bigger" and "asshole" are defined exclusively by me.
And I'm not that bad, really, so play nice. - I ask my commenters to be supportive, respectful, and to offer constructive criticism only.
I find snarkiness as amusing as the next person, but when it comes to teaching/learning situations, snark is just laziness hiding under an inferiority complex, so push yourself harder: What was done right? What could make it better? Give your comments some weight, not just an edge. - I'm allergic to aggressive marketing. Spam gets deleted, obviously, but I also delete those blandly insipid, one-line comments that end with a link back to the poster's own website. YEAH, LIKE WE DIDN'T SEE THROUGH THAT ONE. NUH-UH; NOT AT ALL.
If you want to self-pimp something to your friends here, go ahead, but use a light touch. If it smells at all like you see us as fish in a barrel, then your comments will evaporate. - I also tend to delete comments that serve to derail the discussion unless it looks like everyone is having fun. Silliness doesn't bother me; debate doesn't bother me. Arguments do.
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