Wednesday, April 13, 2011
More Comments Appreciated!
There's a new version of Newmancht's query for "The Anasazi Conspiracy" posted in the comment sections of the link below. I'm sure Newmancht would appreciate your continued input!
Query for "The Anasazi Conspiracy" by Newmancht
Friday, April 8, 2011
Query #12 Redux: "Thrice Born" by Sara Fabray
Sara Fabray has re-worked the query for the novel Thrice Born and requested another nibbling from the Goblin. Thank you Sara for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
Andra has despised sorcerers since they executed her mother for witchcraft. Twelve years later, the war between witches and sorcerers has ended, but Andra's convinced the peace won't last. Not as long as sorcerers pay the price required by magic with the blood of innocents. Like her mother, Andra plans to become a witch, even though it means sacrificing a piece of her spirit and risking insanity with every spell.
Now an unknown enemy targets her brother, and snares him in a spell that drains his life-force. Andra isn't a witch yet, and her runes are nothing more than squiggles in the air. Desperate, she turns to her friends, including ex-best-friend Declan. Together, they manage to trace the source of the spell to the sorceress Camilla, a cold-blooded hunter who has killed a hundred witches, and whom Declan knows by another name. Mom.
Camilla plans to use the stolen life-force in a spell to assassinate the Magister, framing Andra's father in the process. Andra doesn't care about the Magister or the Council's politics, but there's nothing she won't do to save her family. Even when it turns out the only way to destroy the spell is to become what she despises the most-- a sorceress.
THRICE BORN is a 60,000 word YA urban fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Caveat: Basically? This was awesome and I've changed almost nothing. Excellent work, Sara!
Andra has despised sorcerers since they executed her mother for witchcraft. Twelve years later, the war between witches and sorcerers has ended, but Andra's convinced the peace won't last--not while sorcerers pay the price required by magic with the blood of innocents. Like her mother, Andra plans to become a witch, even though it means sacrificing a piece of her spirit and risking insanity with every spell.
Now an unknown enemy has targeted her brother and ensnared him in a spell that drains his life-force. Andra isn't a witch yet, and her runes are nothing more than squiggles in the air. Desperate, she turns to her friends, including her ex-best-friend Declan. Together, they trace the spell to the sorceress Camilla, a cold-blooded hunter who has killed a hundred witches and whom Declan knows by another name: Mom.
Camilla plans to use the stolen life-force to assassinate the Magister, then frame Andra's father. Andra doesn't care about the Magister or Council politics, but there's nothing she won't do to save her family, even when it turns out the only way to destroy the spell is to become what she despises the most--a sorceress.
THRICE BORN is a 60,000 word YA urban fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Andra has despised sorcerers since they executed her mother for witchcraft. Twelve years later, the war between witches and sorcerers has ended, but Andra's convinced the peace won't last. Not as long as sorcerers pay the price required by magic with the blood of innocents. Like her mother, Andra plans to become a witch, even though it means sacrificing a piece of her spirit and risking insanity with every spell.
Now an unknown enemy targets her brother, and snares him in a spell that drains his life-force. Andra isn't a witch yet, and her runes are nothing more than squiggles in the air. Desperate, she turns to her friends, including ex-best-friend Declan. Together, they manage to trace the source of the spell to the sorceress Camilla, a cold-blooded hunter who has killed a hundred witches, and whom Declan knows by another name. Mom.
Camilla plans to use the stolen life-force in a spell to assassinate the Magister, framing Andra's father in the process. Andra doesn't care about the Magister or the Council's politics, but there's nothing she won't do to save her family. Even when it turns out the only way to destroy the spell is to become what she despises the most-- a sorceress.
THRICE BORN is a 60,000 word YA urban fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Caveat: Basically? This was awesome and I've changed almost nothing. Excellent work, Sara!
Andra has despised sorcerers since they executed her mother for witchcraft. Twelve years later, the war between witches and sorcerers has ended, but Andra's convinced the peace won't last--not while sorcerers pay the price required by magic with the blood of innocents. Like her mother, Andra plans to become a witch, even though it means sacrificing a piece of her spirit and risking insanity with every spell.
Now an unknown enemy has targeted her brother and ensnared him in a spell that drains his life-force. Andra isn't a witch yet, and her runes are nothing more than squiggles in the air. Desperate, she turns to her friends, including her ex-best-friend Declan. Together, they trace the spell to the sorceress Camilla, a cold-blooded hunter who has killed a hundred witches and whom Declan knows by another name: Mom.
Camilla plans to use the stolen life-force to assassinate the Magister, then frame Andra's father. Andra doesn't care about the Magister or Council politics, but there's nothing she won't do to save her family, even when it turns out the only way to destroy the spell is to become what she despises the most--a sorceress.
THRICE BORN is a 60,000 word YA urban fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Query #19 Re-Worked!
authorAlannian has sent Goblin a very strong re-working of his/her query for Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan. It's available for viewing in the comment section of the original post, and I'm sure the author would appreciate more feedback! Please drop by and say what you think of the new version, and thank you all for your continued participation.
~Goblin
Query #19 Re-Worked in the Comments:
Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan
~Goblin
Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Query #19: "Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan" by authorAlannian
This query is from authorAlannian for the novel Alannian and the Sword of Azallyan. Thank you authorAlannian for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
Thirteen-year-old Alannian is just a prankster in his village. But when he discovers he is the next Incarnation, King Fayavor wants him dead.
For millennia, the Incarnations of the elf Elyyian have kept peace between the elves, humans and dwarves. King Fayavor believed the Incarnations held the humans back from achieving true greatness, so he used ghastly magic to kill the last Incarnation. Fifty years later, war rages throughout the land and Alannian start having dreams about the elf Elyyian.
Alannian discovers he is the Incarnation. Now the king wants him dead. He flees his village, but royal enforcers brutally kill his uncle. With closest person he had to a father dead, Alannian is more alone then he has ever been. Thankfully, an old magician hides the young boy and teaches him in the ways of the Incarnation.
With his growing powers, Alannian sets off to stop the war and the king before the races destroy each other. Servants of the king hunt Alannian and he must learn who he can trust. The lives of everyone Alannian loves are thrust into the lines of war as Fayavor pursues him. Should Alannian fail, then the war will continue and the three races will destroy each other.
ALANNIAN AND THE SWORD OF AZALLYAN is a 100,000-word young adult fantasy where the hope of a world rests on the shoulders of a boy, a prankster, a hero. My book will appeal to the fans Christopher Paolini's INHERITANCE CYCLE. I am working on two follow up novels.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
For millennia, the Incarnations of the elf Elyyian have kept peace between the elves, humans and dwarves. King Fayavor believed the Incarnations held the humans back from achieving true greatness, so he used ghastly magic to kill the last Incarnation. Fifty years later, war rages throughout the land, and Alannian--a thirteen-year-old prankster in a small village--has just started having dreams about the elf Elyyian.
[Something specific happens so that Alannian know he is the Incarnation.] [Something specific happens so that Fayavor learns Alannian is the Incarnation.] Alannian flees his village, but royal enforcers brutally kill his family, and Alannian is left grief-stricken and vulnerable. An old magician hides the boy and teaches him about the Incarnations, and Alannian realizes he must soon accept his destiny instead of running.
As the lives of everyone Alannian loves are drawn into the war, the boy sets off to stop King Fayavor. Alannian knows that if he fails, it will mean more than his own death--for without an Incarnation, the three races will destroy each other and leave the world in ruin.
ALANNIAN AND THE SWORD OF AZALLYAN is a 100,000-word young adult fantasy with series potential. My book will appeal to the fans Christopher Paolini's INHERITANCE CYCLE. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Thirteen-year-old Alannian is just a prankster in his village. But when he discovers he is the next Incarnation, King Fayavor wants him dead.
For millennia, the Incarnations of the elf Elyyian have kept peace between the elves, humans and dwarves. King Fayavor believed the Incarnations held the humans back from achieving true greatness, so he used ghastly magic to kill the last Incarnation. Fifty years later, war rages throughout the land and Alannian start having dreams about the elf Elyyian.
Alannian discovers he is the Incarnation. Now the king wants him dead. He flees his village, but royal enforcers brutally kill his uncle. With closest person he had to a father dead, Alannian is more alone then he has ever been. Thankfully, an old magician hides the young boy and teaches him in the ways of the Incarnation.
With his growing powers, Alannian sets off to stop the war and the king before the races destroy each other. Servants of the king hunt Alannian and he must learn who he can trust. The lives of everyone Alannian loves are thrust into the lines of war as Fayavor pursues him. Should Alannian fail, then the war will continue and the three races will destroy each other.
ALANNIAN AND THE SWORD OF AZALLYAN is a 100,000-word young adult fantasy where the hope of a world rests on the shoulders of a boy, a prankster, a hero. My book will appeal to the fans Christopher Paolini's INHERITANCE CYCLE. I am working on two follow up novels.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
For millennia, the Incarnations of the elf Elyyian have kept peace between the elves, humans and dwarves. King Fayavor believed the Incarnations held the humans back from achieving true greatness, so he used ghastly magic to kill the last Incarnation. Fifty years later, war rages throughout the land, and Alannian--a thirteen-year-old prankster in a small village--has just started having dreams about the elf Elyyian.
[Something specific happens so that Alannian know he is the Incarnation.] [Something specific happens so that Fayavor learns Alannian is the Incarnation.] Alannian flees his village, but royal enforcers brutally kill his family, and Alannian is left grief-stricken and vulnerable. An old magician hides the boy and teaches him about the Incarnations, and Alannian realizes he must soon accept his destiny instead of running.
As the lives of everyone Alannian loves are drawn into the war, the boy sets off to stop King Fayavor. Alannian knows that if he fails, it will mean more than his own death--for without an Incarnation, the three races will destroy each other and leave the world in ruin.
ALANNIAN AND THE SWORD OF AZALLYAN is a 100,000-word young adult fantasy with series potential. My book will appeal to the fans Christopher Paolini's INHERITANCE CYCLE. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Query #14 Redux: "The Anasazi Conspiracy" by Newmancht
Newmancht has re-worked the query for the novel The Anasazi Conspiracy and requested another nibbling from the Goblin. Thank you Newmancht for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
1607 B.C.: Brothers Maska and Ahote come across a curious object. Surely this golden icon must be a gift from the Sun God? Ohhh, but this prize would be woefully cursed, thrusting the Chama clan into chaos and leaving a baffling legacy behind.
1867: Surviving a horrific train crash, broken and bleeding, Stanley is desperate for help. Near death in the open, wild country of the American southwest, he stumbles across a cave. It turns out to be much more than shelter for the night when he discovers an enormous golden Shaman lurking inside, guarding a dazzling temple of untold riches. But would this knowledge die with him?
Two weeks ago: Powerful corporate magnate, Robert Bradley finds someone sniffing around one of his companies for information. Robert has hunch.
One week ago: That "someone" doesn't know he's picked up a tail, or that he'll soon be dead. Robert believes the Anasazi ruins recently uncovered by this man may lead to hidden treasures. His instincts have never been wrong before...and now he has a malicious scheme brewing.
Right now: Jake's plan never included rescuing a beautiful archeologist from the man he was hired to kill. He certainly didn't expect to be double-crossed by his shadowy employer either. There will be hell to pay.
Bradley didn't count on mistakes...or failure. Now his men have a mess to clean up.
In a malevolent twist of fate, two disparate souls are plunged into a race against time and bullets to decipher the mystery of an ancient people and stop the enemy determined to kill them. To fail means the loss of an ancient culture, incredible wealth - and death.
But Jake and Courtney never anticipated the playful banter...the intense looks...or fiery passions escalating as they grapple with coded symbols that will ultimately disclose the location of a cavern of gold and unveil a hidden chronicle that will transform known Anasazi history forever.
THE ANASAZI CONSPIRACY straddles the Historic and Adventure genres and is a complete manuscript available for review at 163K words. This is my first novel and I appreciate your consideration.
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GOBLIN-EDIT
1607 B.C.: Two brothers from the Chama clan of [modern area's name] come across a golden icon they interpret be a gift from the Sun God, but this prize will thrust the clan into chaos and leave a baffling legacy.
1867 A.D.: After surviving a horrific crash, a train engineer discovers a cave containing an enormous golden Shaman that guards a dazzling temple, but will this knowledge die with him?
Two weeks ago: A corporate magnate discovers someone hunting for information around one of his companies. He arranges for Jake [Last Name] to tail the man and, when he learns the snoop recently uncovered a set of Anasazi ruins, the magnate orders Jake to kill the snoop and then makes plans to pillage the site himself.
Right now: Jake's instructions didn't include rescuing a beautiful archeologist from the man he was hired to kill, and he didn't expect his shadowy employer to double-cross him. As Dr. Courtney [Last Name] grapples with the coded petroglyphs that will lead them to a cavern of gold and a hidden chronicle of Anasazi history, Jake must not only re-think his alliances but fight to keep thousands of years of mystery, deception and greed from ending with his own murder.
THE ANASAZI CONSPIRACY straddles the Historic and Adventure genres and is a complete manuscript available for review. This is my first novel and I appreciate your consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
1607 B.C.: Brothers Maska and Ahote come across a curious object. Surely this golden icon must be a gift from the Sun God? Ohhh, but this prize would be woefully cursed, thrusting the Chama clan into chaos and leaving a baffling legacy behind.
1867: Surviving a horrific train crash, broken and bleeding, Stanley is desperate for help. Near death in the open, wild country of the American southwest, he stumbles across a cave. It turns out to be much more than shelter for the night when he discovers an enormous golden Shaman lurking inside, guarding a dazzling temple of untold riches. But would this knowledge die with him?
Two weeks ago: Powerful corporate magnate, Robert Bradley finds someone sniffing around one of his companies for information. Robert has hunch.
One week ago: That "someone" doesn't know he's picked up a tail, or that he'll soon be dead. Robert believes the Anasazi ruins recently uncovered by this man may lead to hidden treasures. His instincts have never been wrong before...and now he has a malicious scheme brewing.
Right now: Jake's plan never included rescuing a beautiful archeologist from the man he was hired to kill. He certainly didn't expect to be double-crossed by his shadowy employer either. There will be hell to pay.
Bradley didn't count on mistakes...or failure. Now his men have a mess to clean up.
In a malevolent twist of fate, two disparate souls are plunged into a race against time and bullets to decipher the mystery of an ancient people and stop the enemy determined to kill them. To fail means the loss of an ancient culture, incredible wealth - and death.
But Jake and Courtney never anticipated the playful banter...the intense looks...or fiery passions escalating as they grapple with coded symbols that will ultimately disclose the location of a cavern of gold and unveil a hidden chronicle that will transform known Anasazi history forever.
THE ANASAZI CONSPIRACY straddles the Historic and Adventure genres and is a complete manuscript available for review at 163K words. This is my first novel and I appreciate your consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
1607 B.C.: Two brothers from the Chama clan of [modern area's name] come across a golden icon they interpret be a gift from the Sun God, but this prize will thrust the clan into chaos and leave a baffling legacy.
1867 A.D.: After surviving a horrific crash, a train engineer discovers a cave containing an enormous golden Shaman that guards a dazzling temple, but will this knowledge die with him?
Two weeks ago: A corporate magnate discovers someone hunting for information around one of his companies. He arranges for Jake [Last Name] to tail the man and, when he learns the snoop recently uncovered a set of Anasazi ruins, the magnate orders Jake to kill the snoop and then makes plans to pillage the site himself.
Right now: Jake's instructions didn't include rescuing a beautiful archeologist from the man he was hired to kill, and he didn't expect his shadowy employer to double-cross him. As Dr. Courtney [Last Name] grapples with the coded petroglyphs that will lead them to a cavern of gold and a hidden chronicle of Anasazi history, Jake must not only re-think his alliances but fight to keep thousands of years of mystery, deception and greed from ending with his own murder.
THE ANASAZI CONSPIRACY straddles the Historic and Adventure genres and is a complete manuscript available for review. This is my first novel and I appreciate your consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Query #18: "Emerald Bearer" by Grant Hadley K
This query is from Grant Hadley K for the novel Emerald Bearer. Thank you Grant Hadley K for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
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ORIGINAL QUERY
Twelve-year-old Samantha never trained to use a magic gem. She never asked to be an Emerald Bearer--she'd never even heard of one. But none of that matters when she finds a palm-sized emerald in the foothills of Arizona. When she picks it up, the huge gem embeds itself in her hand and transports her to Centaunia; a world of peaceful centaurs, evil minotaurs, and a handful of powerful humans with magic gems of their own.
Samantha becomes famous overnight as news of her arrival spreads like wildfire. The centaurs bow before her as if she was royalty. It doesn't take Samantha long to figure out why.
It's been eleven years since the last Emerald Bearer appeared in Centaunia. Since then, raiding minotaurs have been polluting the sacred springs--pollution that turns the centaurs into mindless animals. The purifying powers of Samantha's emerald are their last hope. What's more, they're her only hope of getting back home. But there's something no one will tell her; what happened to the last Emerald Bearer? With the help of three other Gem Bearers, Samantha heads deep into enemy territory in search of the polluted springs. With the dark leader of the minotaurs after her, Samantha has no choice but to fight. That, or learn the fate of the last Emerald Bearer firsthand...
A middle grade fantasy novel, EMERALD BEARER is complete at 58,000 words. This book would appeal to fans of the UNICORN CHRONICLES by Bruce Coville.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When Samantha finds a palm-sized emerald in the foothills of Arizona, she does what any twelve-year-old would: she picks it up. However, the gem then embeds itself in her hand and Samantha is transported to Centaunia, a world of peaceful centaurs, evil minotaurs, and a handful of powerful humans with magic gems of their own.
News of her arrival spreads, and the centaurs treat Samantha as royalty. It doesn't take her long to learn why. Eleven years ago, the last Emerald Bearer disappeared, and since then, raiding minotaurs have polluted the sacred springs, turning the centaurs who drink there into mindless animals. The purifying powers of Samantha's emerald can save these creatures, and in turn, they'll be able to help Samantha get back home.
With the help of three other Gem Bearers, Samantha heads deep into enemy territory in search of the polluted springs. However, the leader of the minotaurs learns of this and comes after her, and Samantha must fight if she wants to escape learning firsthand what the fate of the last Emerald Bearer was.
EMERALD BEARER, a middle grade fantasy novel, is complete at 58,000 words and would appeal to fans of THE UNICORN CHRONICLES by Bruce Coville. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Twelve-year-old Samantha never trained to use a magic gem. She never asked to be an Emerald Bearer--she'd never even heard of one. But none of that matters when she finds a palm-sized emerald in the foothills of Arizona. When she picks it up, the huge gem embeds itself in her hand and transports her to Centaunia; a world of peaceful centaurs, evil minotaurs, and a handful of powerful humans with magic gems of their own.
Samantha becomes famous overnight as news of her arrival spreads like wildfire. The centaurs bow before her as if she was royalty. It doesn't take Samantha long to figure out why.
It's been eleven years since the last Emerald Bearer appeared in Centaunia. Since then, raiding minotaurs have been polluting the sacred springs--pollution that turns the centaurs into mindless animals. The purifying powers of Samantha's emerald are their last hope. What's more, they're her only hope of getting back home. But there's something no one will tell her; what happened to the last Emerald Bearer? With the help of three other Gem Bearers, Samantha heads deep into enemy territory in search of the polluted springs. With the dark leader of the minotaurs after her, Samantha has no choice but to fight. That, or learn the fate of the last Emerald Bearer firsthand...
A middle grade fantasy novel, EMERALD BEARER is complete at 58,000 words. This book would appeal to fans of the UNICORN CHRONICLES by Bruce Coville.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When Samantha finds a palm-sized emerald in the foothills of Arizona, she does what any twelve-year-old would: she picks it up. However, the gem then embeds itself in her hand and Samantha is transported to Centaunia, a world of peaceful centaurs, evil minotaurs, and a handful of powerful humans with magic gems of their own.
News of her arrival spreads, and the centaurs treat Samantha as royalty. It doesn't take her long to learn why. Eleven years ago, the last Emerald Bearer disappeared, and since then, raiding minotaurs have polluted the sacred springs, turning the centaurs who drink there into mindless animals. The purifying powers of Samantha's emerald can save these creatures, and in turn, they'll be able to help Samantha get back home.
With the help of three other Gem Bearers, Samantha heads deep into enemy territory in search of the polluted springs. However, the leader of the minotaurs learns of this and comes after her, and Samantha must fight if she wants to escape learning firsthand what the fate of the last Emerald Bearer was.
EMERALD BEARER, a middle grade fantasy novel, is complete at 58,000 words and would appeal to fans of THE UNICORN CHRONICLES by Bruce Coville. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Query #17: "Flute Music" by Earth
This query is from Earth for the novel Flute Music. Thank you Earth for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
"I have been waiting for you. Please help us, before he destroys us and your mother." The strange woman's plea is sixteen-year-old Mira's first indication of the trouble brewing in her new town.
Mira questions the identity of the threat and finds out that it's none other than her mother's boss and the owner of the powerful Calvert Mining Company - the town's biggest employer and its meal ticket. Mira's mother has been hired to jumpstart the company and make its newest mining technique, Salcopper, operational. The woman, Aiyana, has a simple request - stop Salcopper, as it would totally ruin the town's already fragile ecosystem.
Mira has two options. She could tell her mom of Calvert's disdain for environmental safeguards, which would result in her mom refusing to run the technique or going to the federal authorities. With Calvert's track record of dealing with whistle blowers, Mira could well end up an orphan. So option one is out.
Option number two - find evidence against Calvert
Then time runs out for Aiyana. Her body turns up in the mines next to a stack of explosives. The police claim she died attempting to blow up the mine. Mala suspects Aiyana was set up by Mr. Calvert and his best buddy, the police chief.
That's a real problem because Mr. Calvert is now dating her mom. Desperate to convince her of Mr. Calvert's guilt, but unable to find the proof she needs, she accepts help from Brad, a junior at her school. His motives are suspect, since he's also Mr. Calvert's daughter's boyfriend. But to get justice for Aiyana and save her mother, she's willing to take all the help she can find to face the devil himself.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When Mira's mom is hired to help the Calvert Mining Company perfect a new technique for ore extraction, Mira--like her mother--believes that jumpstarting the company's profits can only help their new hometown. When a local woman named Aiyana starts harassing Mira with conspiracy theories and predictions of ecological disaster, however, the sixteen-year-old decides she has to investigate further.
Mira learns the ore extraction technique is really a engineering trick devised to let Calvert Mining evade environmental safeguards and then legally blame Mira's mother for the damage. Before Mira can warn her mom, however, Aiyana turns up dead--apparently of a botched sabotage attempt against the mine, but more likely of murder.
Now too scared to speak out--especially with the mine's owner suddenly cozying up to her mom--Mira realizes she must find enough evidence to go to the federal authorities alone. If she doesn't, her mother will go to prison and the town's ecosystem will collapse--but if she does, Mira herself could wind up dead.
Flute Music, a [word count] word YA mystery, is complete and available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
"I have been waiting for you. Please help us, before he destroys us and your mother." The strange woman's plea is sixteen-year-old Mira's first indication of the trouble brewing in her new town.
Mira questions the identity of the threat and finds out that it's none other than her mother's boss and the owner of the powerful Calvert Mining Company - the town's biggest employer and its meal ticket. Mira's mother has been hired to jumpstart the company and make its newest mining technique, Salcopper, operational. The woman, Aiyana, has a simple request - stop Salcopper, as it would totally ruin the town's already fragile ecosystem.
Mira has two options. She could tell her mom of Calvert's disdain for environmental safeguards, which would result in her mom refusing to run the technique or going to the federal authorities. With Calvert's track record of dealing with whistle blowers, Mira could well end up an orphan. So option one is out.
Option number two - find evidence against Calvert
Then time runs out for Aiyana. Her body turns up in the mines next to a stack of explosives. The police claim she died attempting to blow up the mine. Mala suspects Aiyana was set up by Mr. Calvert and his best buddy, the police chief.
That's a real problem because Mr. Calvert is now dating her mom. Desperate to convince her of Mr. Calvert's guilt, but unable to find the proof she needs, she accepts help from Brad, a junior at her school. His motives are suspect, since he's also Mr. Calvert's daughter's boyfriend. But to get justice for Aiyana and save her mother, she's willing to take all the help she can find to face the devil himself.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
When Mira's mom is hired to help the Calvert Mining Company perfect a new technique for ore extraction, Mira--like her mother--believes that jumpstarting the company's profits can only help their new hometown. When a local woman named Aiyana starts harassing Mira with conspiracy theories and predictions of ecological disaster, however, the sixteen-year-old decides she has to investigate further.
Mira learns the ore extraction technique is really a engineering trick devised to let Calvert Mining evade environmental safeguards and then legally blame Mira's mother for the damage. Before Mira can warn her mom, however, Aiyana turns up dead--apparently of a botched sabotage attempt against the mine, but more likely of murder.
Now too scared to speak out--especially with the mine's owner suddenly cozying up to her mom--Mira realizes she must find enough evidence to go to the federal authorities alone. If she doesn't, her mother will go to prison and the town's ecosystem will collapse--but if she does, Mira herself could wind up dead.
Flute Music, a [word count] word YA mystery, is complete and available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
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