This query is from an anonymous author for the novel The River. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
When Brad Lucas agrees to join his business partner, Dean, on a fly-fishing trip in the wilds of Northern California, the last thing he expects is to come face-to-face with Bigfoot.
While wading across the river, Brad sees a hulking shape emerge from the forest shadows. He retreats, loses his footing, and the current swallows him. Fighting for breath, he glimpses Dean snapping pictures and laughing. A thundering boom overwhelms the gorge. More gunshots follow. Brad clings to a boulder as Dean’s screams cut the white noise of the river and the wind.
It’s the summer of 1999, the height of the dot-com bubble, and Brad has just made a fortune selling the company he started with Dean in college. Over the years, their odd, antagonistic friendship, fraught with competition and scandal, has deteriorated. Before Brad embarks on a new life with millions in the bank, cocksure Dean lures him to a secluded fishing club to perpetrate an elaborate hoax.
Now a man in a Bigfoot costume lies dead at the river’s edge, Dean is face down in the gravel, and a tobacco-chewing methamphetamine addict who isn’t in on the joke has a rifle aimed at Brad. Not only must Brad save himself, he must determine if Dean is worth saving as well.
Structurally, the book starts in medias res, tells Brad’s story (whose mother is more interested in her German Shepherd than her son), then Dean’s (whose father plays a softball game instead of witnessing his son’s birth)—the tension mounting until the two meet. Ultimately though, this is Brad’s story. After seeking love and affirmation, and mostly finding frustration, he perseveres and stands up to the people who don’t always have his best interest at heart. THE RIVER comically and tragically captures an America rife with greed and deception at the close of the millennium. It has a similar sensibility to Norman Maclean’s A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT and shares the man versus man, man versus nature themes of James Dickey’s DELIVERANCE.
THE RIVER is literary fiction, complete at approximately 82,000 words.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Brad Lucas just made a fortune selling the company he and business partner Dean started in college. Their odd, antagonistic friendship has deteriorated, but Brad agrees to one last fly-fishing trip before they go separate ways. The last thing he expects, however, is to come face-to-face with Bigfoot.
Wading across a river, Brad sees a hulking shape emerge from the forest. He loses his footing, and the current swallows him. Fighting for breath, he glimpses Dean snapping pictures and laughing. Then a thundering boom overwhelms the gorge. More gunshots follow. As Brad clings to a boulder, Dean’s screams cut the white noise of the river.
Now a man in a Bigfoot costume lies dead at the river’s edge, Dean is face-down in the gravel, and a methamphetamine addict who wasn’t in on the joke is aiming his rifle at Brad. Not only must Brad save himself, he has to decide whether Dean is worth saving too.
THE RIVER captures an America rife with greed and deception at the close of the millennium. It has a similar sensibility to Norman Maclean’s A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT and shares the man-versus-man, man-versus-nature themes of James Dickey’s DELIVERANCE.
THE RIVER is literary fiction, complete at approximately 82,000 words.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Query #36: "Hard Nox" by Anonymous
This query is from an anonymous writer for the novel Hard Nox. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Nox Somner is a human lightning rod for tragedy. Parents, foster parents, brother, her goldfish – everyone she loves dies. She is terrified of getting close to people, of what could happen to them. Until she meets someone with nothing to fear– Death, himself.
Grim has a proposition. The boy Nox loves is next to die. Grim will spare Memphis if she helps Grim out of a tiny jam. A lost bet led to Grim's boatman hiding out as mortal River Crowe at Nox’s High School for the past year. Now he refuses to return. With no way to get across, the stack-up of souls this side of the River Styx is becoming dangerous to the living.
To save Memphis, she must convince River to go back. Not on the Reaper’s List, River can’t be taken against his will. She tries to bargain with him, but the only thing he wants in exchange for his return is Nox. If she won’t offer herself up, she has to kill him. Easy as falling off a ladder. She just has to get close enough to let the lightning strike. But once she’s close to River, can she really trade the boy who will never love her back for the one who understands her better than anyone else ever will?
HARD NOX is a 77,000-word YA Paranormal set in River Styx, Ohio.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Nox Somner is a human lightning rod for tragedy. Her parents, her foster parents, her brother, her goldfish – everyone she loves dies. She is terrified of getting close to people, until she meets someone with nothing to fear–-Death, himself.
Grim has a proposition. The boy that Nox loves is next to die, but Grim will spare him if Nox helps Grim out of a tiny jam. A lost bet led to his boatman hiding out as teenager at Nox’s High School, and now the boatman refuses to return. With no way to get across, the stack-up of souls this side of the River Styx is becoming dangerous to the living.
Not on the Reaper’s List, the boatman can’t be taken against his will, so Nox tries to bargain, but all the boatman wants in exchange for his return is Nox's love. If she won’t offer herself up, she has to kill him.
Easy as falling off a ladder. Nox just has to get cosy enough to let her bad luck strike again. But as she grows closer to the boatman, Nox realizes she might not want to trade this boy who understands her better than anyone for the one who will never love her back.
HARD NOX is a 77,000-word YA Paranormal set in River Styx, Ohio.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Nox Somner is a human lightning rod for tragedy. Parents, foster parents, brother, her goldfish – everyone she loves dies. She is terrified of getting close to people, of what could happen to them. Until she meets someone with nothing to fear– Death, himself.
Grim has a proposition. The boy Nox loves is next to die. Grim will spare Memphis if she helps Grim out of a tiny jam. A lost bet led to Grim's boatman hiding out as mortal River Crowe at Nox’s High School for the past year. Now he refuses to return. With no way to get across, the stack-up of souls this side of the River Styx is becoming dangerous to the living.
To save Memphis, she must convince River to go back. Not on the Reaper’s List, River can’t be taken against his will. She tries to bargain with him, but the only thing he wants in exchange for his return is Nox. If she won’t offer herself up, she has to kill him. Easy as falling off a ladder. She just has to get close enough to let the lightning strike. But once she’s close to River, can she really trade the boy who will never love her back for the one who understands her better than anyone else ever will?
HARD NOX is a 77,000-word YA Paranormal set in River Styx, Ohio.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Nox Somner is a human lightning rod for tragedy. Her parents, her foster parents, her brother, her goldfish – everyone she loves dies. She is terrified of getting close to people, until she meets someone with nothing to fear–-Death, himself.
Grim has a proposition. The boy that Nox loves is next to die, but Grim will spare him if Nox helps Grim out of a tiny jam. A lost bet led to his boatman hiding out as teenager at Nox’s High School, and now the boatman refuses to return. With no way to get across, the stack-up of souls this side of the River Styx is becoming dangerous to the living.
Not on the Reaper’s List, the boatman can’t be taken against his will, so Nox tries to bargain, but all the boatman wants in exchange for his return is Nox's love. If she won’t offer herself up, she has to kill him.
Easy as falling off a ladder. Nox just has to get cosy enough to let her bad luck strike again. But as she grows closer to the boatman, Nox realizes she might not want to trade this boy who understands her better than anyone for the one who will never love her back.
HARD NOX is a 77,000-word YA Paranormal set in River Styx, Ohio.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
SMITE THE GOBLIN AGAIN!
After lots of help, and many fabulous suggestions last time I posted my query, I came to the conclusion that I pretty much had to scrap what I had and rewrite the letter from scratch.
This is another way of saying I didn't know what to do.
I knew in my gut that everyone was right when they said the query didn't quite work, but I had no clue what would make it work. I felt like I was trying to save the Titanic by re-arranging deck chairs.
I needed some time to grow a bit of objectivity and lose my attachment to the words I'd already written. So I took a break from the text of the query, but I kept thinking about new ways to sneak up on that beastie and whack it into shape.
What happened (eventually) is a perfect demonstration of the worth of critiquing other people in order to learn how to do something yourself. It's the whole reason why I started this site (well, in addition to finding critiquing fun!)
I've been hanging around Absolute Write lately, critiquing query letters there, and I stumbled across one that I really liked. In fact, it reminded me of a query letter I saw here that I really liked, namely Beckarah's Eyes of Stone.
What these two queries had in common is they featured the story's inciting incident in the first paragraph, then followed it up in the second paragraph with a list of all the shocking ways the protagonist's life had suddenly changed. That structure really drew me in; it helped me empathize with the protagonist.
So, I decided to try to snitch the formula. What resulted is posted below, and I think I'm pretty happy with it, but I would like to hear your thoughts before I send it out.
Mixed into this new query are a few other random ideas I had, like "Cut aaaaaaall the subplots," and "Hey, maybe don't say 'blooddrinker' at all? Zombies are hot; vampires are not."
So please let me know what you think of this new version. What works for you? What doesn't? Where does the wording seem uneven, and can you see a way to smooth it? Does it make sense? Is there too little information? Are there things here that aren't needed and should be cut? How close to being ready do you think it is?
I'd be honoured to hear your thoughts!
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL VERSION:
Wykham, a pacifist and surgeon on an inhospitable world, has just been infected with a disease that leaves him only able to digest human flesh.
He can't go home for fear of infecting his child. His neighbors react with hysteria and violence, and the authorities consider him a vector to be exterminated. Even other infected people admit that suicide might be his only moral option.
So when a group calling themselves 'pure humans' offers Wykham sanctuary, he instantly distrusts them. What kind of person aids a cannibal? Unfortunately, he's in no position to refuse.
Wykham soon learns his allies are descendants of those who refused genetic engineering to survive on the colony planet. Now facing slow extinction, yet immune to the disease, they intend to use people like Wykham as weapons of genocide against the thriving, rival population.
Which includes everyone Wykham loves--unless he can stomach using the freakish speed and strength his disease gives him to stop the pure humans.
Torn between preventing an atrocity and staying true to his non-violent principles, Wykham must accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.
I was represented by XXX of XXX Literary Agency for a previous novel, but we parted amicably, and I am unpublished. "The Blooddrinker and the War Angel" is an 81,000-word science fiction novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
YOUR EDIT:
Please post your critique in the comments, and thank you in advance to all who donate their time and expertise to helping me improve this query! I do appreciate it.
This is another way of saying I didn't know what to do.
I knew in my gut that everyone was right when they said the query didn't quite work, but I had no clue what would make it work. I felt like I was trying to save the Titanic by re-arranging deck chairs.
I needed some time to grow a bit of objectivity and lose my attachment to the words I'd already written. So I took a break from the text of the query, but I kept thinking about new ways to sneak up on that beastie and whack it into shape.
What happened (eventually) is a perfect demonstration of the worth of critiquing other people in order to learn how to do something yourself. It's the whole reason why I started this site (well, in addition to finding critiquing fun!)
I've been hanging around Absolute Write lately, critiquing query letters there, and I stumbled across one that I really liked. In fact, it reminded me of a query letter I saw here that I really liked, namely Beckarah's Eyes of Stone.
What these two queries had in common is they featured the story's inciting incident in the first paragraph, then followed it up in the second paragraph with a list of all the shocking ways the protagonist's life had suddenly changed. That structure really drew me in; it helped me empathize with the protagonist.
So, I decided to try to snitch the formula. What resulted is posted below, and I think I'm pretty happy with it, but I would like to hear your thoughts before I send it out.
Mixed into this new query are a few other random ideas I had, like "Cut aaaaaaall the subplots," and "Hey, maybe don't say 'blooddrinker' at all? Zombies are hot; vampires are not."
So please let me know what you think of this new version. What works for you? What doesn't? Where does the wording seem uneven, and can you see a way to smooth it? Does it make sense? Is there too little information? Are there things here that aren't needed and should be cut? How close to being ready do you think it is?
I'd be honoured to hear your thoughts!
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL VERSION:
Wykham, a pacifist and surgeon on an inhospitable world, has just been infected with a disease that leaves him only able to digest human flesh.
He can't go home for fear of infecting his child. His neighbors react with hysteria and violence, and the authorities consider him a vector to be exterminated. Even other infected people admit that suicide might be his only moral option.
So when a group calling themselves 'pure humans' offers Wykham sanctuary, he instantly distrusts them. What kind of person aids a cannibal? Unfortunately, he's in no position to refuse.
Wykham soon learns his allies are descendants of those who refused genetic engineering to survive on the colony planet. Now facing slow extinction, yet immune to the disease, they intend to use people like Wykham as weapons of genocide against the thriving, rival population.
Which includes everyone Wykham loves--unless he can stomach using the freakish speed and strength his disease gives him to stop the pure humans.
Torn between preventing an atrocity and staying true to his non-violent principles, Wykham must accept that sometimes a monster is the only available hero, and sometimes a pacifist must fight.
I was represented by XXX of XXX Literary Agency for a previous novel, but we parted amicably, and I am unpublished. "The Blooddrinker and the War Angel" is an 81,000-word science fiction novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
YOUR EDIT:
Please post your critique in the comments, and thank you in advance to all who donate their time and expertise to helping me improve this query! I do appreciate it.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Query #35: "The Privileged" by Anonymous
This query is from an anonymous writer for the novel The Privileged. Thank you, Anonymous, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
(And my apologies, Anonymous, for the delay. I was out of town for the weekend and didn't keep up with my email as diligently as I'd intended!)
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
The first day of school sucks. Jonathan Stevens didn’t know what to expect as he crossed the threshold into the chaos that is known as high school. Becoming a social outcast, getting lost in the halls, embarrassing himself over and over in front of cute girls and their boyfriends was definitely expected. Falling face first into a giant hole caused by an earthquake, not so much.
Waking up in the dark underbelly of the earth, Jonathan discovers he’s been kidnapped. Not just by anyone, but by a tightly wound sorceress who tells him he is an immortal, and he is being hunted. But Jonathan is not just any immortal. He’s been designed to be the ultimate immortal. The one person that will bring peace back into the immortal realm and save it from the evil overlord known simply as the Master.
Putting his trust in his kidnapper, Jonathan follows her into the immortal realm where he learns more about who he really is, and what purpose he was created for. Jonathan is the only hope left to purge the realm of the malevolence within its walls. He must find the strength and the will to trigger his power before the Master destroys him.
THE PRIVILEGED is a young adult paranormal fantasy complete at 80,000 words.
Thank you for your consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
The first day of school sucks. Jonathan Stevens expected becoming a social outcast, getting lost in the halls, and embarrassing himself over and over in front of cute girls. But falling face-first into a giant hole caused by an earthquake? Not so much.
Waking in the underbelly of the earth, Jonathan discovers he’s been kidnapped by a tightly-wound sorceress who insists he is being hunted and is an immortal--but not just any immortal. Jonathan was designed to bring peace to the sorceress' realm by saving it from an overlord known as the Master.
Jonathan learns [something specific that deepens the story and raises the stakes]. [He tries to do something meaningful and is thwarted, which raises the stakes again.] He must find the strength and the will to [do something specific, but very difficult, where failure will mean disaster].
THE PRIVILEGED is a young adult paranormal fantasy complete at 80,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
(And my apologies, Anonymous, for the delay. I was out of town for the weekend and didn't keep up with my email as diligently as I'd intended!)
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
The first day of school sucks. Jonathan Stevens didn’t know what to expect as he crossed the threshold into the chaos that is known as high school. Becoming a social outcast, getting lost in the halls, embarrassing himself over and over in front of cute girls and their boyfriends was definitely expected. Falling face first into a giant hole caused by an earthquake, not so much.
Waking up in the dark underbelly of the earth, Jonathan discovers he’s been kidnapped. Not just by anyone, but by a tightly wound sorceress who tells him he is an immortal, and he is being hunted. But Jonathan is not just any immortal. He’s been designed to be the ultimate immortal. The one person that will bring peace back into the immortal realm and save it from the evil overlord known simply as the Master.
Putting his trust in his kidnapper, Jonathan follows her into the immortal realm where he learns more about who he really is, and what purpose he was created for. Jonathan is the only hope left to purge the realm of the malevolence within its walls. He must find the strength and the will to trigger his power before the Master destroys him.
THE PRIVILEGED is a young adult paranormal fantasy complete at 80,000 words.
Thank you for your consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
The first day of school sucks. Jonathan Stevens expected becoming a social outcast, getting lost in the halls, and embarrassing himself over and over in front of cute girls. But falling face-first into a giant hole caused by an earthquake? Not so much.
Waking in the underbelly of the earth, Jonathan discovers he’s been kidnapped by a tightly-wound sorceress who insists he is being hunted and is an immortal--but not just any immortal. Jonathan was designed to bring peace to the sorceress' realm by saving it from an overlord known as the Master.
Jonathan learns [something specific that deepens the story and raises the stakes]. [He tries to do something meaningful and is thwarted, which raises the stakes again.] He must find the strength and the will to [do something specific, but very difficult, where failure will mean disaster].
THE PRIVILEGED is a young adult paranormal fantasy complete at 80,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Helpful Advice for Non-US, Self-Published Writers
If you are not a US citizen, but are a self-published author, Roz Morris has assembled a very clear guide for how to apply for your ITIN number from the United States IRS.
Having that number then allows you to apply to have less of your earnings withheld for taxes by Amazon and Smashwords. Please see Roz's guide at the following link:
And thank you for being a good global citizen! :)
Having that number then allows you to apply to have less of your earnings withheld for taxes by Amazon and Smashwords. Please see Roz's guide at the following link:
How I Got My ITIN NumberNote the IRS themselves are damned cryptic about how to do this sort of thing, so please pass this link along to anyone you know who self-publishes but is not American.
And thank you for being a good global citizen! :)
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Query #34: "The Light of Emet" by Freya Morris
This query is from Freya Morris for the novel The Light of Emet. Thank you, Freya Morris, for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Eleven-year-old Rose wakes up in hospital to be told she’s had a seizure, again. Yet, that doesn’t explain why she can now see pain, growth, love and hatred, all in the flesh. Beasts and creatures are walking amongst us.
Rose has been given the light of Emet, the sight of truth, but her best friend Pete has been cursed by Molech - hatred in its purest form. He tricked Pete by using a new scientific religion called Seudology to possess his soul. Even followers of the new religion look like the un-dead, as Rose sees them for the soulless slaves they’ve become.
Rose and Pete are in the middle of an age-old war. Love itself, Adonai, is fighting Molech for the souls of people on earth. With their fates set apart, Rose is determined to save Pete’s soul. She agrees to infiltrate the new religion but being able to see monsters doesn’t stop her from walking into a trap. Seudologists have been watching her since the beginning, and she might just lose her soul and Pete’s, forever.
THE LIGHT OF EMET is a 47,000-word children’s fantasy novel for 12-14 year olds.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Eleven-year-old Rose wakes in the hospital to be told she’s had another seizure, but that doesn’t explain why she now sees pain, growth, love and hatred in physical form. Beasts and creatures are walking amongst us.
Rose has been given the light of Emet, or 'the sight of truth'. Unfortunately, one thing she sees immediately is that her best friend Pete has been cursed by Molech--hatred in its purest form. Molech tricked Pete using a new religion called Seudology to steal his soul. To Rose, the followers of Seudology look undead because she sees them as the slaves they’ve become.
Love itself, Adonai, is fighting Molech for the souls of Earth's people. Rose is determined to save Pete, and when Adonai asks her to infiltrate the new religion, she agrees. However, being able to see monsters doesn’t stop her from walking into a trap. The Seudologists have been waiting for Rose, and now she might lose both her and Pete's souls forever.
THE LIGHT OF EMET is a 47,000 word upper middle grade fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
~~~~~~~
ORIGINAL QUERY
Eleven-year-old Rose wakes up in hospital to be told she’s had a seizure, again. Yet, that doesn’t explain why she can now see pain, growth, love and hatred, all in the flesh. Beasts and creatures are walking amongst us.
Rose has been given the light of Emet, the sight of truth, but her best friend Pete has been cursed by Molech - hatred in its purest form. He tricked Pete by using a new scientific religion called Seudology to possess his soul. Even followers of the new religion look like the un-dead, as Rose sees them for the soulless slaves they’ve become.
Rose and Pete are in the middle of an age-old war. Love itself, Adonai, is fighting Molech for the souls of people on earth. With their fates set apart, Rose is determined to save Pete’s soul. She agrees to infiltrate the new religion but being able to see monsters doesn’t stop her from walking into a trap. Seudologists have been watching her since the beginning, and she might just lose her soul and Pete’s, forever.
THE LIGHT OF EMET is a 47,000-word children’s fantasy novel for 12-14 year olds.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
~~~~~~~
GOBLIN-EDIT
Eleven-year-old Rose wakes in the hospital to be told she’s had another seizure, but that doesn’t explain why she now sees pain, growth, love and hatred in physical form. Beasts and creatures are walking amongst us.
Rose has been given the light of Emet, or 'the sight of truth'. Unfortunately, one thing she sees immediately is that her best friend Pete has been cursed by Molech--hatred in its purest form. Molech tricked Pete using a new religion called Seudology to steal his soul. To Rose, the followers of Seudology look undead because she sees them as the slaves they’ve become.
Love itself, Adonai, is fighting Molech for the souls of Earth's people. Rose is determined to save Pete, and when Adonai asks her to infiltrate the new religion, she agrees. However, being able to see monsters doesn’t stop her from walking into a trap. The Seudologists have been waiting for Rose, and now she might lose both her and Pete's souls forever.
THE LIGHT OF EMET is a 47,000 word upper middle grade fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration; I look forward to hearing from you.
Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.
Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!
Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Success Story!
TJ Robinson (Taylor) of Query #8, The Family Grim reports the following:
Just wanted to say thanks for the help. I'm working with my dream agent on the revision as we speak. Thanks again!Hurray, Taylor! Congratulations snagging the interest of an esteemed agent, and best of luck with your novel revisions. We hope to see your book on shelves soon!
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