Thank you, Perri!

Thank you to Perri at Lesser Apricots for nominating a certain Goblin for a Stylish Blogger award! (It must have the catwalk-sexy stylings of my luxuriant armpit hair that wowed her. Check that photo of me in the sidebar.)

Normally, one passes these awards on, but I thought I'd instead give everyone an opportunity to introduce themselves. Please say hi in the comment trail!

And, if you post the words "Link me!" in your comment, I will add a link to your blog/website here on the main post! (Be sure to add the URL, if you're not commenting via your Blogger account.)

Behold, the Non-Bashful Goblinites:
Perri, at Lesser Apricots
Beckah-Rah (Who also critiques synopses!)
J. A. Beard, at Rift Watcher (Brand new blog!)

Query #16: "Osland" by J. A. Beard

This query is from J. A. Beard for the novel Osland. Thank you J. A. Beard for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

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ORIGINAL QUERY

Still grieving over the loss of her parents, Gail Dorjee is less than pleased at being shipped off by her uncle to Osland Academy, an elite Seattle boarding school. The smart-mouthed Kansas teen is unimpressed by her new school, its vicious cliques, and uptight teachers. Those problems pale in comparison to an even more bizarre horror--a strange inability to cuss. The startling revelation she possesses the power to control water and her suddenly PG rated-mouth make Gail suspect Osland is more a magical prison than a school.

Now trapped in an emerald ivy-covered jail run by a mysterious principal no one ever sees, Gail must ally with an airhead, a coward, and a cold-hearted boy to challenge the dangerous teachers threatening her life, freedom, and her ability to say a spicy word or two. She must seek out the hidden Principal Osland before Seattle, her friends and even her soul, are destroyed. She'll need more than a bucket of water when she reaches the end of this yellow brick road.

My young adult urban fantasy novel, OSLAND, is complete at 70,000 words. It is a modern re-imagining of the Wonderful Wizard of Oz that should appeal to fans of the works of Richelle Mead, Claudia Gray, and P.C. Cast.

Thank you for your consideration.

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GOBLIN-EDIT

Gail Dorjee, a smart-mouthed Kansas teen, isn't impressed with Osland Academy, the elite Seattle boarding school her uncle just shipped her to. However, the academy's vicious cliques and uptight teachers aren't half as bizarre as Gail's new problem--an inability to cuss. Her suddenly PG rated-mouth, and the startling revelation she possesses the power to control water, make Gail suspect Osland is more a magical prison than a school.

Now trapped in a jail sheathed by emerald ivy, Gail allies with an airhead, a wuss, and a cold-hearted jerk to find the mysterious principal Osland, whom no one ever sees. As Gail challenges the menacing teachers who threaten her freedom and her ability to say a spicy word or two, she discovers a plot that could destroy not only her friends, but her soul, and even Seattle. Miss Dorjee will need more than a bucket of water when she reaches the end of this yellow brick road.

OSLAND, a 70,000 word young adult urban fantasy, is a re-imagining of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. It will appeal to fans of the works of Richelle Mead, Claudia Gray, and P.C. Cast. Thank you for your consideration.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #15: "The Puppet Mistress" by All-Stars

This query is from All-Stars for the novel The Puppet Mistress. Thank you All-Stars for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

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ORIGINAL QUERY

While seventeen-year-old Vaila Grayson is the reigning video game champion, she is overwhelmed by a game with no saves, resets, or continues. Stubbornness won't allow her to walk away and neither will the dimpled smile of her video knight, Sir Cenric Alva. She soon realizes Cenric is not just a collection of pixels, but a real person under a curse.

Unaware he's a pawn in her game, Cenric believes he has fallen victim to a puppet master, an evil magician who controls his movements. This complicates his quest to destroy the Negura, a renegade black magic that threatens to annihilate the magicians of 14th century Spain.

When Vaila's fighting skills fail to deliver against one of the Negura's beasts, Cenric is bitten, but she also cries out when blood dribbles down her arm. Their souls are now intertwined. Emotions and pain alike are shared and death would certainly take them both down.

The guardian of secrets holds the information to defeating the Negura, but finding him will unearth more that just their enemy's weakness. Hidden abilities are rising to the surface in Vaila as she enlists her ingenuity to tackle side quests and terrible monsters. Her greatest challenge, however, is ignoring the sparks igniting between her and Cenric. With the Negura stalking her every move, Vaila has only one chance to stay focused.

"The Puppet Mistress" is a 70,000-word YA fantasy novel with romantic elements, told in alternating points of view. This is the first book in a potential series.

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GOBLIN-EDIT

Vaila Grayson is a video game champion, but even she feels overwhelmed by a new game with no saves, resets, or continues. Stubbornness won't let her walk away, and neither will the dimpled smile of her video knight, Sir Cenric Alva. It's only when Cenric is injured, and Vaila yelps as her own arm begins to bleed, that she realizes her knight is not just a collection of pixels but a real person under a curse.

Unaware he's a pawn in her game, Cenric believes he has fallen victim to an evil magician who controls his movements and complicates his quest to destroy the Negura, a rogue magical entity that threatens the magicians of 14th century Spain. As Cenric fights both the Negura's beasts and Vaila's control, he doesn't realize his soul is entwined with hers and that his actions are endangering a seventeen-year-old girl.

Using her ingenuity, rapidly-developing skills and broader understanding of the situation, Vaila helps Cenric tackle side-quests and battle monsters. However, her bond with the knight is making it too easy for romantic sparks to ignite, and Vaila must fight this distraction as she steers Cenric toward the information he needs to defeat the Negura--because unlike Cenric, Vaila realizes that if her knight falls, she'll die too.

"The Puppet Mistress" is a 70,000-word YA fantasy, told in alternating points of view, which has series potential. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

Query #14: "The Anasazi Conspiracy" by Newmancht

This query is from Newmancht for the novel The Anasazi Conspiracy. Thank you Newmancht for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

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ORIGINAL QUERY

Jake’s plan never included rescuing a beautiful archeologist from the evil man he was hired to kill. He certainly didn’t expect to be double-crossed by his shadowy employer either. In a malevolent twist of fate, the lives of two disparate souls are united in a race against time to decipher the mystery of an ancient people and stop the enemy determined to kill them.

THE ANASAZI CONSPIRACY is a Historical Adventure, weaving a rich tapestry of the enigmatic Chama clan into the fabric of a contemporary mission to steal the discovery of a fantastic archeological find. In 1607 BC, brothers Maska and Ahote make a curious discovery inside a cave on their hunting trip, but the prize they bring home quickly propels their hidden society into chaos and leaves a baffling legacy behind.

Their legacy first comes to light after a horrific train crash in the open, wild country of 1867. When the train engineer survives, badly wounded and delirious, he stumbles across an ancient relic while desperately searching for help. But soon Stanley collapses from his injuries, the secret almost dying with him again. His destiny is sealed when rescued by a merciful Jemez tribe, eventually recovering yet unable to recall the location of this incredible find. His failed search for the lost cavern promising untold riches influences the fate of his descendants, compelling them to honor the clandestine promise he made long ago.

Flash forward to the present, when powerful corporate magnate, Robert Bradley, underestimates his hired gun and the success of a malicious business scheme, the players in this deadly game are plunged into a race against time and bullets. Jake’s endeavor to stop the ruthless adversary pursuing them reveals a brilliant ally in Dr. Courtney Kirkland as she deftly works to unravel the elusive Anasazi petroglyphs. To fail means the loss of a magnificent culture - and death.

But Jake and Courtney never anticipated the playful banter…the intense looks…or fiery passions escalating as they grapple with the coded symbols linking this diverse cast through thousands of years of mystery, deception and greed. Culminating in an explosive finale, they succeed in unearthing a chronicle that will change Anasazi history forever.

The Author is a happily married father of four monsters, ‘er, boys and a history buff. This is my first novel and is a complete work available for review. Thank you for your consideration.

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GOBLIN-EDIT

In 1607 B.C., two brothers from the Chama clan of [modern area's name] discovered a [specific item] while on a hunting trip, and the chaos provoked by that find changed their society forever.

In 1867 A.D., a train engineer staggered from a horrific crash in search of help and instead found evidence of the clan's baffling legacy. When his injuries prevented him finding the site again, he passed the knowledge of its existence to his family.

Today, hired gun Jake [last name] is scrambling to protect Dr. Courtney Kirkland from his double-crossing ex-employer, who wants to pillage the fantastic archeological site Courtney is on the brink of locating.

More is at stake than the loss of a magnificent culture, however. Jake's ex-boss believes he can only get away with stealing the site's riches if everyone who knows about the place is dead. As Courtney struggles to unravel petroglyphs and unearth a chronicle that will change the world's understanding of Anasazi history, Jake must fight to keep thousands of years of mystery, deception and greed from ending in a double murder.

THE ANASAZI CONSPIRACY is a complete [word count, rounded to the nearest 1,000] word adventure novel steeped in one of my personal passions: history. Thank you for your consideration.

Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Also, I'd be delighted if you would please help draw more commenters to the site by mentioning this post to your online friends. Thank you!

New Policy

Hello All,

To help encourage discussion in the comments section, I've decided that I will offer constructive criticism for each new query. This will be just a quick note to say what I thought the original query did well, what I thought could be improved in it, and what I think is still lacking in my own edited version of that query.

I will always try to keep these comments supportive, constructive, and kind, just as--and I am very happy and grateful to see this happening--the blog's other commenters already do.

Anyone who submitted a query to me previously, and who would like me to comment on their query in this fashion also, can leave me a note in the Questions/Suggestions Forum and ask me to re-visit their query and leave my thoughts on it. I would be most happy to oblige you in this!

Thank you all for your attention and continued interest in The Query Goblin site.

~Goblin

Query #13: "White Blood" by Angela

This query is from Angela for the novel White Blood. Thank you Angela for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

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ORIGINAL QUERY

When she hears the king’s daughter is pregnant and seeks to hire a wet-nurse, Maryn has no reason to apply for the job. She adores her life as a talented craftsman’s wife and delights in her infant son.

All that changes the morning fire rips through her home and destroys everything Maryn loves. Nursing newborn Prince Barilan can’t replace what she’s lost, but at least it will allow her to earn a living.

But instead of providing the security Maryn hopes for, her new position thrusts her into danger. Prince Carlich, the king’s charismatic second son, schemes to quietly eliminate his older brother. His attempt goes disastrously wrong, leaving a trail of bodies, the king dead, and Carlich a fugitive. In a desperate bid to salvage his hopes for power, Carlich seizes Maryn and Barilan as hostages.

On the run with Carlich, held prisoner by his blood sorcery, Maryn struggles to escape and find a way to save her kingdom from civil war. One thing might stop Carlich--he needs the magical Kingship Barilan has inherited to rally the people to his side. A spell prevents Carlich from killing the baby, so he seeks Maryn’s aid.

Maryn must choose: will she defy her captor, protect the child she has come to love, and risk attempting the sorcery that can defeat Carlich? Or will she give in to his bribery?

For Carlich offers her the one thing she cannot refuse--her own son’s life restored in exchange for Barilan’s soul.

My fantasy novel WHITE BLOOD is complete at 106,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

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GOBLIN-EDIT

Nursing the newborn Prince Barilan won’t replace what Maryn has lost--a husband and infant son--but at least it will allow her to earn a living. That security disintegrates, however, when the king's charismatic second son, Prince Carlich, botches a grab for the throne and must seize Maryn and Barilan as hostages to save his own life.

On the run with Carlich, and held prisoner by his blood sorcery, Maryn struggles to protect the now-ascended infant king. Carlich still has plans, of course. If he can hijack the magical Kingship Barilan has inherited, he can rally the people to his side and salvage his bid for power. A spell prevents Carlich from killing the baby--but Maryn can help him circumvent that.

Maryn defies her captor's cajolery and threats, determined to protect the child she has come to love. However, when Carlich promises Maryn the one thing she doesn't think she can bear to refuse--her own son's life restored in exchange for Barilan's soul--the kingdom's future hinges on a battle between a mother's love and a woman's strength of will.

My completed 106,000 word fantasy, WHITE BLOOD, is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Question for the Goblinites:

Hello all,

I was hoping to ask your opinion on a delicate matter. I've noted the discussion in the comments sections has been tailing off recently, and I'd like to reverse that trend if possible.

Do any of you have suggestions for what would get you more involved in the discussion for a given query? What sort of things get you engaged in these kinds of conversations? I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter!

Also, one possibility I've entertained is that I, La Goblinne, could become more involved in the comments too. I've avoided doing so thus far in order to uphold my goal of providing judgement-free help to queriers. By voicing an opinion in the comments, I felt I would have to step back from that ideal.

However, I could do this very tactfully, and given that other commenters already say what they think of the queries in the comment section, any writer who truly doesn't want to see criticisms of their work can still just avoid the comment trail.

Do you have an opinion on this second issue? Should I continue to mutely provided editing and re-write suggestions, or should I outline what I think works and what could be improved in the comments section for a given query?

Thank you all for your assistance!

~ Goblin

Query #12: "Thrice-Born" by Sara Jane Wade

This query is from Sara Jane Wade for the novel Thrice-Born. Thank you Sara for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

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ORIGINAL QUERY

I would like you to consider my YA urban fantasy, THRICE-BORN, complete at 60,000 words.

Seventeen years old Andra’s life is full. On top of dealing with the aftermath of drunken sex with the best friend whose advances she’d previously rejected, concealing the growing pain caused by her fractured soul, she also has to make a choice that will determine her standing in Octavian society. As a mere Initiate, she is powerless until she makes her Offering and chooses a Discipline: the spiritual Dyaus who sacrifice a piece of their spirit at the risk of madness, or the immoral but powerful Prithvi, who offer blood.

Andra’s life takes a dramatic turn when a mercenary Disciple attacks her astral twin, Andy, and stabs him with a cursed dagger. If she can’t destroy the spell draining his life, her brother will die in twelve hours. Complications arise as Andra finds out that the Disciple holding the spell is her best friend’s estranged mother, the Prithvi Priestess Alazne. Andra and the rest of her friends battle time, family, and secrets best left buried as they risk everything to save Andy, and stumble in the middle of an assassination plot that could throw their society back into war.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

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GOBLIN-EDIT

Seventeen-year-old Andra is supposed to be preparing for the most important decision of her life, and instead she's mopping up the embarrassment caused by her stupidest one. While her focus should be on choosing a magical discipline within the powerful Octavian society, instead Andra is desperately avoiding her best friend [NAME] so she doesn't have to discuss that drunk sex they had.

However, when a mercenary attacks Andra's astral brother, and leaves him snared in a spell that will drain his life force within twelve hours, Andra realizes she needs [NAME]'s help more than she needs her false dignity. Unfortunately, 'awkward' doesn't begin to describe their interactions after Andra discovers it's [NAME]'s mother who is draining her astral brother's life.

Caught between suspicion and friendship, budding desire and sore regret, Andra and [NAME] battle to save her brother's life, and in the process, they discover an assassination plot that could plunge the Octavian society into a war that initiates like Andra probably won't survive.

THRICE-BORN, a YA urban fantasy, is complete at 60,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Query #11: "A Rocket to the Moon", by Lisa

This query is from Lisa for the novel A Rocket to the Moon. Thank you Lisa for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this! (And my apologies for the travel-related delay.)

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ORIGINAL QUERY

Since January 8th, Lexi Dwyer has written letters to a dead boy. On December 23rd, she was the sole survivor of a plane crash that killed 163 others. She thinks that Liam, the boy she writes to, survived. He didn't.

Catapulted into unwanted fame, she has to fend off journalists and religious crazies, while dealing with exams, embarrassing parents, and a complicated relationship with an older man. On top of that, Liam's 'survival' is literally driving her mad. Plagued by nightmares and frequent visits from Liam, can she keep her sanity in the most tumultous year of her life?

A ROCKET TO THE MOON is my edgy YA novel complete at 60,000 words.

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GOBLIN-EDIT

On Christmas Eve, Lexi Dwyer survived a plane crash that killed 163 others, and that survival catapults her into an intensely-unwanted fame.

Juggling school, embarrassing parents, and her recovery is bad enough, but Lexi must also fend off journalists and religious crazies. She only has two people she can really talk to about the most tumultuous year of her life--an older man, whose relationship with Lexi is growing ever more complicated, and Liam, a fellow survivor she met in the hospital.

Nightmares plague Lexi, but it's only when Liam--who never answers her letters--begins visiting Lexi more and more frequently that she realizes something is very wrong. She investigates, only to learn Liam did not survive the disaster.

Now Lexi must grapple with yet another terror no sixteen-year-old should have to go through--the knowledge that while her body survived the crash, her mind possibly has not.

A ROCKET TO THE MOON is an edgy YA novel complete at 60,000 words.

Goblin Caveat: Some elements that may not be accurate for the novel have been added to this edited version of the query.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!

Success Story! And A Request For More Comments

Beckarah, of Query #2: Eyes of Stone, has this good news to pass on!

Just wanted to drop by and say thanks, because my query, which relied heavily on your rewrite, has gotten 2 partial requests from *BIG* agencies and now I have a full request from a publisher! Trying not to get my hopes up, but there's little doubt I'd have gotten this far without help from awesome (and patient) people like Query Goblin and her followers. Thanks!! :D

Congratulations, Beckarah! May this lead to publication for Eyes of Stone!

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Also, to everyone, Faraci has a very strong re-write for the query of World Book up in the comments of this post and I'm sure more comments on it would be appreciated!

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And finally, to Lisa, your query will be up in about three days. Sorry for the wait, but I'm almost finished with my real-life craziness! Things will be back to normal very soon. I appreciate your patience. :-)

Query #10: "World Book" by Faraci

This query is from Faraci for the novel World Book. Thank you Faraci for the honour of allowing me to work on and post this!

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ORIGINAL QUERY

Seth was good at following the rules. He obeyed his parents, performed his nightly vows, and observed the laws in the World Book with pride – until he met Kinessa.

The Kingdoms of the Land, Air, and Sea follow the World Book – a list of oppressive laws designed to keep peace throughout the Kingdoms. Kinessa, a thirteen-year-old stranger claiming to have amnesia, believes these laws need to change. When Seth’s family shelters Kinessa, her blatant disregard for the World Book initially frightens Seth, but he is intrigued by her rebellious ideas. For the first time he dares to explore the woods in his backyard and visit the ocean, but he faints from shock when Kinessa reveals she’s from the Kingdom of the Sea by changing into a sea serpent.

Kinessa tells Seth that she came to the land, a crime punishable by death, to spy on a secret meeting between the Kings and their heirs. Seth follows her to the meeting, but grows skeptical of her plan when she decides to convince the Crown Prince of the Air to join their side. The prince’s bloodthirsty nature leads to a deadly confrontation, and they barely escape with their lives. Kinessa comes up with another reckless plan and decides to start a revolution in the King’s City of the land. A few people begin to listen to their ideas, but when the Crown Prince catches up to them Seth must rely on his own intelligence and courage to save them all.

WORLD BOOK is a completed 32,000 word fantasy for middle grade readers.

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GOBLIN-EDIT

Seth has always obeyed his parents, performed his nightly vows, and observed the laws in the World Book with pride. However, when Seth's family provides shelter to Kinessa, a thirteen-year-old claiming to have amnesia, her blatant disregard for the World Book first frightens, then galvanises, Seth.

Kinessa believes the laws that keep peace between the kingdoms of Land, Air, and Sea need to change. Responding to the challenge of her views, Seth dares to explore the woods in his backyard and visit the ocean for the first time. However, when Kinessa changes into a sea serpent in front of him, Seth realizes his family's guest not only lied about her amnesia but has a broader plan.

Kinessa says she came from the Kingdom of the Sea to spy on a secret meeting between the rulers of the three kingdoms. When Seth follows her to that meeting, however, he sees Kinessa try to convince the Crown Prince of the Air to ally with the Sea. The prince instead attacks Kinessa, and even with Seth's intervention, they barely escape with their lives. Kinessa is undaunted and decides to start a revolution in the City of the Land, where the meeting took place. A few people begin to listen to her and Seth's ideas, but when the bloodthirsty Crown Prince of Air catches up to them, it's Seth's intelligence--and his new-found courage--that will save them all.

WORLD BOOK is a completed 32,000 word fantasy for middle grade readers.


Have any thoughts about either the original or the re-written query? Please join the discussion in the comment thread!